Well, We're Not Alone Now
by Aerial Arabella
Summary: Rhea, Aerial, circus performer, thought it was going to be another people watching night in the pub. After noticing Alex Turner brooding over his drinks, she heads his way, after all she had dreamt about this moment enough times, why not make it real? When Alex decides to accompany her home, they have yet to realise the affect it will have on both their different lives
1. Well We're Not Alone Now

**-Well, We're Not Alone Now-**

_"Leather jacket, collor popped like antenna,_

_Never knowing when to stop,_

_Sunglasses indoors, par for the course"_

_-17th December 2011-_

The glass seemed to fall in slow motion, the smash drowned out by the noise of the pub. It shattered into a ridiculous amount of pieces on the stone floor. It was the usual situation; drunk men and women writhing around with no spatial awareness whatsoever. Arms, arses and legs flying everywhere, knocking everything over in their unstable paths. I couldn't condemn them though, as I had been doing the very same thing the night before and had paid for it this morning. And here I was again, not even drinking this time, just simply people watching.

When I realised that no one was going to clear up the glass, or had even noticed it's demise, I grabbed my bag and rose from my seat. Walking over to where I had glimpsed a dust pan and brush earlier, because I am just one of those girls who notices that stuff, wedged up behind a chair, next to a green door that said 'Staff Only'. Pushing past the sweaty bodies, I cast a sly glance at one of the men who were sitting at the bar, shades covering what I knew to be beautiful brown eyes. He was hunched over his drink, brown partly slicked back hair glowing in the dim lights. I wouldn't say I was the sort of girl who would freak out if a 'celebrity' suddenly walked into a bar I was inhabiting, however I am not ashamed to admit that I am definitely the sort of girl who walks past them a few times just so I can make sure they are actually real and not a figment of my imagination. Hence my helpfulness in cleaning up the glass. The route to collect the dust pan and brush took me right past the bar where Alex Turner, lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys, was sitting.

As I glided back, or at least I hoped it looked like I was gliding, I took another glance at Alex to see he had taken off his shades and was staring moodily at the drinks on the other side of the bar, rubbing his bottom lip. _No one_ should be allowed to look that damn good. Quick as I could, I brushed up the glass, shoving many a sticky body away from the sparkling pile of sharpness as I did so. Did I mention that these people have no awareness of their own bodies, let alone somebody trying to clear up the glass? I think I did.

Nervously, I made my way to the bar, trying not to be shoved over by the dancers. Seeing that a stool next to Alex had just been vacated by some girl who had been trying to chat him up, I headed for it. I admired her nerve, for if anybody had any sensibility they could see that this man didn't wished to be approached. However at this point in the evening sensibility had deserted the girl, and it seemed me also. Since sensibility had left me, I was left to try and act cool. This was something that I found hard to do, as I was someone who succumbed to being extremely quiet when faced with someone I didn't know. I assure you there is a difference between being cool and aloof, and just being quiet and withdrawn.

This being my usual alcoholic haunt I was known to the staff here and to my relief my favourite barman, Sid, was at the counter sliding Alex some dark looking drink. Many a time he had saved me from unwanted advances, given me some what interesting advice and had generally been someone who you could have a good laugh with. Looking up, wiping his slightly greasy floppy hair out of his eyes, he saw me and smiled, then frowned when he saw what I was carrying. This movement and interesting facial expressions made Alex turn his head and look at me. My face became hot, I was too nervous to meet his eyes, so I stayed looking at Sid. Sliding onto the barstool next to Alex, I thrust the dust pan and brush towards the small barman's waiting hands.

"What the hell happened?" Sid shouted over the noise of the music and conversation that suddenly seemed to have risen all around the bar.

"A lady's drunk ass decided that it didn't like the drink, so it hit it!" I shouted back lamely, tucking a stray wisp of hair behind my ear.

Hearing a chuckle over the din, I turned my head to see Alex watching me, a smile playing on his lips. I gave a quick smile back, before turning towards the now exasperated barman.

"That's the fifth glass tonight."Sid grumbled, snatching the pan from the wooden bar top and shoving it into some unknown place beneath.

Smiling at me, Sid said "I suppose you deserve a free drink for clearing it up."

"That would be lovely, thank you. I'll have a Dandelion and Burdock please hun" I said.

Laying my head to rest on my hands, I yawned. I was so exhausted these days, the intense training I was doing for our new show was insane. Well I suppose that's what you expect from the National School for Circus Arts. "No Pain, No Gain!" was our motto.

Escaping from my sleep deprived thoughts, I smiled at Sid when he put the drink next to my head, my favourite blue coloured straw pointing skywards. Condensation dripped down the bottle, leaving silvery snail marks down the side; I dragged my finger across the glass, enjoying the cool feeling against my burning finger. Nothing's better than a Dandelion and Burdock when one feels exhausted and you're in an overheated pub. Fact.

I lifted my head, leaning on my elbows, I bent over and wrapped my lips around the straw taking a delightfully bubbly mouthful. As the fizzy drink trickled down my throat I became aware of Sid talking me.

"Not much of them left now," he said, indicating the bottle of deliciousness "Everybody wants Lemonade these days, we've been wondering if we should bother getting anymore next time an order is due."

I gasped. "Lemonade is completely overrated." I said, sitting up straight "The distinguished and unique taste of Dandelion and Burdock trumps the too sweet sugariness of Lemonade _any_ day. It's an old classic in my family. If you get rid of it I won't come here anymore." I pointed threateningly at him.

He put up his hands in mock defence against my anguished outburst. "I know that and I agree, it's just that we have to cater to the customer's needs and we can't afford to pay for a drink that nobody is going to buy anymore. I'll try and persuade the boss to keep buying it in. God know's I don't want to lose you, you're the only good thing that happens here on a Saturday night." He gave an embarrassed shrug and turned to comply with some shouting customer's demands.

Putting the straw back in my mouth, I chewed on it, brooding. When I had calmed back down, I became aware of the stare against the side of my head. Turning, I met the chocolate swirls of Alex Turner's eyes as they bored into my slightly intoxicated skull.

"Sup?" I said, trying not to blush when he smiled.

He shyly turned his body fully towards mine. "Oh you know, in a bar, in London, on my own, on a Saturday night."

I smiled and positioned my arm on the bar so I could lean my head comfortably on my hand. "Well if it helps, I too am in a bar, in London, on my own, on a Saturday night." I gave a small shrug and took another pull of my drink. As an afterthought, lifting my brows in suggestion, I added "And now we can be alone together...in a bar…in London...on a Saturday night." I gave a small wink. What the hell was I doing? Just drive him away with your perfetic attemps at flirting. I silently groaned.

To my relief he chuckled, saying "Yeah, seems like that."

He turned away to capture his drink in his strong and elegant hands. Those hands. How many times had I marvelled at them as they played a soul stirring riff, expressed discomfort and delight. Those hands that I had never before thought to witness this close up. Half a metre to be exact. I watched as he brought the drink to his lips, then placed it back down again.

He repositioned himself back towards me and held out his hand. "Alex, nice to meet you Darlin.'"

I'm not ashamed to say that my hand was in his, quick as a flash, his smooth skin sliding against mine. Dirty thoughts flooded my mind. Mentally pulling myself back to the present I smiled and looked him in the eye. "Rhea, it's lovely to meet you too."

And we talked. We talked about over rated drinks, music, seasons and about the pros and cons of split second decisions. What we didn't talk about was what he did. Never once did he mention that he was in one of the biggest British Rock and Roll bands of the last 10 years. I found this refreshing, warming to him even more. There is always a slight fear that when you meet an Idol they're going to ruin the very image of themselves. The one you have painstakingly built to fill up your fantasies and adventures when life is dull. Alex defiantly destroyed much of the image I wasn't really aware I had of him, but he did it in such gentle and interesting ways that all I could do was step back and enjoy the ride.

The differences about his character were interesting and captivating. His voice sounded different, more flowing and silky to how it sounded when recorded. Another beautiful something that I found was his laugh, how his eyes lit up and creased was enchanting. No camera had ever been able to fully capture the full transformation of his face when he laughed. I would say it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, but his un-laughing face does not resemble clouds, and his smile most certainly does not look like the sun. It was something else entirely, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

After a while I excused myself to the bathroom, needing to pee as I had consumed a rather large amount of drinks this evening. Some of which I might add, Alex had bought me.

After doing my business, I washed my hands, then rested them on the sticky light blue counter and inspected myself in the grimy mirror. My cheeks were flushed from the heat and my blue eyes sparkled. My blondish hair was in complete disarray, it had been raining when I arrived at the pub, making it fluff up. I had hastily put it in a messy bun, however stray hair had managed to escape, curling around my ears and face. I admit that I loved my body, it was toned after many hours of hard training that I had endured since I was thirteen years old and had began my circus training. My breasts were on the large side, having gotten my mother's genes and my hair had a slight curl in it when left to itself. I knew I was good looking, I saw the way men and women looked at me, however my confidence wasn't that great. I knew my ears stuck out and I had a rather large nose. When I was twelve I had decided to get a nose piercing with my mother, the result was quite lovely. It took your attention away from the beak and to the shining blue ring which sparkled in the light.

I dismissed these musings and made my way out of the toilets, back to where Alex was resting his dark jean clad legs on my seat, making sure that nobody nicked it. He was leaning over his phone, typing away. How had I become so lucky? I still couldn't quite get my head around him taking notice in me, even if it was just for a chat. He removed his legs as I approached. Casting him a quick smile, I pulled my bag off from the floor and searched for my phone, suddenly becoming aware of how long I had been in the pub for. The bright screen lit up, illuminating my face in what was probably a very unflattering way. I sighed in resignation when I saw the time, having arrived here at 8:00pm, I had been here for a good four and half hours, it was now 12:32pm. Putting my phone back, l looked up at Alex who had been watching the whole time with his careful eyes.

Disappointed, I sighed and said "I am really sorry, I'm going to have to leave. It's getting quite late and as you probably know, London gets a bit dangerous"

"Oh, ok then." he said, a slight frown marring his sun kissed face. I smiled sadly, an experience from the first time I moved up over a year ago had haunted me to this day, making me ever aware of the dangers of drunk men on the streets.

I got off my stool, putting my bag over my shoulder, suddenly awkward, I wasn't really sure what to say. Smiling again, I gave a sad chuckle and then blurted out "It's times like this I wish I was famous so I could have a bodyguard or something. Or a boyfriend..." Embarrassed at what he thought I might be hinting, I looked at the floor. "Well bye, it was nice meeting you." He was quiet and still, so I took it as my time to leave. As I turned and headed to the door I felt a warm strong hand gently grab my shoulder and turn me around.

He smiled his lovely enduring smile and said "Just wait a minute. I'll walk you to wherever you're goin', it can't be that far an' I have nothin' better to do than sit 'ere an' mope." With that he walked back to the bar, grabbed his expensive, but well-worn leather jacket, and returned to me.

_"Oh what a way to begin it all…"_


	2. You've Never Had a Hot Toddy?

**-You Don't Know What a Hot Toddy Is?-**

_"So we all go back to yours and you sit and talk to me on the floor_

_There's no need to show me round baby, I feel like I've been in here before"_

_-17th December 2011-_

The cold hit me with a stinging vividity, making me pull my hood up and clutch my coat tighter against my once overheated body. The snow swirled around Alex and I, unconsciously we moved closer together, brushing shoulders, as if to gather heat between our bodies. Winter was upon us with vengeance this year. For once it looked like we were going to have a white Christmas.

Turning to Alex, catching his eye in the darkened London street, I took a deep breath. "You know it is a little while to where I live, you really don't have to come with me"

I bit my lip and looked down at the icy stones of the pavement. I did want him to come back with me, even if it was just to walk back to my house and then say goodbye, but at the same time I was scared that he might expect more. Don't get me wrong, I do like a bit of a casual one night stand sometimes, I am just that sort of girl, but I just didn't think I could do it tonight. I felt worryingly fragile. I didn't know what had gotten into me.

"Hey, it's ok, I really don't mind Darlin'. I 'ave nothin' better to do, an' I'm in the mood for a walk." He chuckled and took my hand, tugging. "Come on, which way is it? I don't know 'bout you, but I'm bloody freezin' 'ere."

All at once I was filled with a warmth. I wasn't sure if it was his hand in mine or the joy which had filled my body when he said he would come back, whichever it was, I was happy. "Come on then." I said, pulling his hand, directing us towards a dimly lit road that lead away from the pub, into the night.

Where the orange glow from the lights on the road shone, snowflakes twirled and leapt, almost like the butterflies in my stomach. I pointed at them, smiling at their beauty. "Look Alex, aren't they beautiful? Have you ever seen anything so wonderful and free as a dancing snowflake?"

Abruptly, I realised how weird that sounded and seriously hoped I hadn't scared Alex away with my wildly strange imagination. Not hearing anything from him as we walked past a snow laden apple tree, I peaked up to see his face. He was staring at me, laughter played in the creases of his eyes, grinning.

I snatched my hand out of his. "Are you laughing at me? I was just expressing my delight in the surroundings" I snapped at him, as I sped up walking. Yes it may have sounded a bit weird and it would have been ok if he had looked at me like I was a little crazy, but there is no need to laugh.

"Wait. Wait. I'm sorry." I could hear his feet on the pavement as he ran to catch up with my march along the slippery stone. "I weren't laughin' at you in that way. I were laughin' in delight at your ability to express what you see so freely."

I stopped in my tracks. Ok so we had, had a conversation, but to be quite honest it was quite one sided. I had just talked and he offered his opinions in small sentences, nods and noises. He had seemed perfectly fine just to listen to me, even when I apologized for talking so much he urged me to carry on, and I was happy to oblige. So when he sprang this rather long and lovely sentence on me, as you can guess I was surprised. Before I could turn and reply, there was a shove from behind. My foot skidded on the perilously unstable floor. With an "umf", I landed on half stone and half something else. My legs and arms tangled with some unknown being, there was a groan and I struggled to untangle myself when I realised who was below me. It seemed I had stopped just a bit too suddenly. So suddenly that poor Alex hadn't had time to halt before we collided.

"Oh my god. Alex, are you ok?" I lent over his face. His eyes were closed, brow scrunched up.

He opened his eyes, looking slightly bewildered. "Yeah, nothin' seems broken. You're heavier than you look you know."

Before I could help myself, laughter bubbled over my lips. I slumped down next to him on the freezing concrete and laughed. Thankfully he started to laugh too, as snowflakes fell on our glowing faces.

When the chill started to seep through our layers of clothing and our laughter subsided, Alex sat up and looked down at me, brown hair falling over his eyes. "You know, you have amazing eyes. Very blue and black."

I looked away, sure I was blushing. "Well, so do you." I said quietly " I mean they're not blue and black, but they are very nice, kinda like, urm….I'm not sure really. It's hard to put my finger on."

He smiled his sweet, small smile and offered me his hand which I took without question. "We had better carry on, before either of us get pneumonia." He said while pulling me to my feet.

"Ok." Not quite sure what happened back there and shivering, I was happy to carry on going.

We walked on in a companionable silence, past the houses of the rich Londoners until we finally arrived at my step-grandmother's house where I was living. The house was tall and white, a cold looking vine making its way towards the upstairs window. I pushed the rusty green gate aside as we made our way up to the front door. Fishing the key out of my cluttered bag, I unlocked the two locks with my numb hands. Pushing the door open, I quickly ran to the alarm and entered the code. God knows we didn't want the police turning up if it went off. I looked back to see Alex standing on the outside mat, shivering and looking hesitantly at me.

Looking at his thin leather jacket and tired, but still gorgeous face, I made my second split second decision of the night. "Well are you coming in or what?" I said, raising my eyebrows. "Did nobody ever tell you that leather jackets are not as warm as they are made out to be?"

A look of relief flashed across his handsome features. "Thanks. An' yeah I 'ave been told that, but I don't listen to them."

"Clearly." I said dryly as he walked past me into the warm hallway.

Looking around, he looked confused. "Do you live 'ere all by yourself?"

"No. This is my Gran's house, I'm just living here while I do my Foundation Degree. She's not here at the moment, she's skiing in the Alps."

If I wasn't mistaken, that was a smirk that was creeping it's way up his face. His eyes met mine. "So it's just you an' me. Alone...together...again."

I gulped. "Yes. And don't you be getting idea's. I'm not feeling like that sort of girl tonight. If you're expecting more from me, you've got the wrong idea and you can leave right now." I crossed my arms defensively, one brow raised.

Standing up taller, looking me straight in the eye, he said. "I'm not intendin' to do anythin' of that sort. I were just jokin' around. You just seemed like an interestin' woman an' we seemed to be gettin' on well, so I decided to at least walk you home. That's all I expect of you."

Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, I lowered mine to the cream carpet under my feet. "I'm sorry. Some guys…,well lets just say they expect more than I am willing to give. Sorry"

I felt a hand under my chin, lifting my face up. Dark eyes gazed into mine. "Don't apologize. I understand, I really do." I smiled a sad smile. "Please smile again. Properly. It's funny, you seem to glow, brilliantly, and then you just fade. You're so dark…and yet I am sure you have lit the way for many."

Taken aback, I frowned. "Bloody hell Alex, no need to get all poetic on me, it's not that serious." I turned my head away. "Come on, let's have a hot drink. I am fucking freezing!" I realised that the door was still open and we hadn't even turned the hallway light on. I ran my hand across the wall to where I knew the light switch was. We both squinted in the sudden light that blossomed on the walls and our faces.

Shrugging my jacket off, I draped it on the chair that stood next to the hall table, indicating that he could do the same if he wanted. I shook my head at the white t-shirt that was revealed when he slid off his leather jacket. He smiled apologetically. I couldn't say much though, I was wearing my favorite knee length flower printed blue vintage dress with only some black wool tights to warm my legs. At least I had, had my big brown Bench jacket though.

I lead the way into the kitchen, turning on lights as I went. The kitchen was old fashioned, but in a homely sort of way. There were french windows that lead out into a tiny garden opposite the door. There was an island and cupboards that went up to the ceiling over the sink and cooker on your left. On the other side of the island, a big wooden table took over half of the room, a vase of mint sitting peacefully at the end. Photo's covered the walls, some faded and some new. To say the least, it was a very lived in kitchen.

I went over to the electric kettle, filled it with water and set it back in it's base, flicking the switch on, "I'm gonna make a hot toddy, do you want one, or I've got other drinks?" I said while I took two mugs down from the cupboard over the sink.

"What's a hot toddy?..." Alex said in a confused voice.

I whirled around in disbelief. "Are you telling me you've never had a hot toddy before!?"

He looked slightly embarrassed. "No. Should I 'ave?"

My mouth fell open. "Urm...yeah! Seriously? Well then you are definitely having one." Seeing his worried look, I rolled my eyes "Look it's really nice, promise. It's an old Irish drink. It's honey and lemon with a large splash of whisky. Just what we need on a night like tonight. I can't actually feel my toes."

"Alright then. If you say so." He said, sitting down in the squashy arm chair.

"Yes I do say so."

He gave a small laugh. It was so strange seeing him here. Somehow he seemed to be too glamorous to be in this old kitchen, but at the same time he fit in just right. How strange I thought, while I poured the boiling water over the honey and lemon I had put in our two mugs. The steam curled up from the mugs in white wisps.

Making a decision I faced Alex who was leaning back on the chair, eyes closed. His lashes spread a shadow down his cheekbones like crows wings. "Hey, do you wanna go into the lounge, sit by the fire and drink these? There's more comfy armchairs in there, even a couple of sofas if your interested." I smiled when he smiled.

"That sounds great, sweet'eart." A warm glow swelled in my stomach. He unfolded his long limbs from the chair.

I passed him his mug, in which I had splashed a generous amount of whiskey into.

When we got to the lounge, I turned on the soft table light that lit up the shadowed high ceiling of the room. Putting my drink down on the small table opposite the fire I reached and turned the gas on, lighting a match and putting it to the fire place. Flames burst forth warming my face. I silently sent up a prayer of thanks for gas fires. Sure I knew how to light a fire from scratch, but it was such a faf.

I settled myself against the side of the sofa on my left, next to where Alex had sat. My left shoulder lent up against his legs. We both stared into the fire, sipping our drinks, lost in our own thoughts.

After awhile I pulled myself out of the swirling darkness of my exhausted mind and had an idea. It was quite forward and considering what I had said to him earlier he might get the wrong idea but…

"Al?" I was surprised, and pleasantly so, when my lips formed a shorten version of his name.

"Hmm?" Came the answer from above.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" I blurted out. "I mean you would have to sleep with me as the other rooms are being redone and I insist that you don't sleep on the sofa." Against my will I went on. "And I know what I said earlier, but it's just that its so cold outside and it's late and, well, I suppose I trust you not to..." I trailed off. My face burned.

"Ok." Came the reply to my ramblings.

I started in surprise and delight as I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and it gave me a small squeeze. I smiled and rested my head against it. 'God, I hardly even know this guy...' My thoughts trailed off as the fingers of the said hand started to gently caress my cheek.

After a while I broke away from him and stood up, my back clicking. He laughed and I didn't mind. Silently we made our way to the stairs and up, leaving our mugs and turning off lights as we went.

I made my way to my bedroom, tiredness blurring my vision. My room was small, but it was mine and you could tell. I had a small bathroom next to it which I turned the light on in as we went past. Turning the light on in my room, I grabbed my pajamas off my pillow.

"I'm gonna change and brush my teeth. I have a spare toothbrush you can borrow and believe it or not I actually have some mens PJ trousers if you want them. I doubt those jeans will be very comfy to sleep in."

He smiled at me. Would I ever be able to get over the beauty of that smile. I hope not. "Ok, thanks. Yes jeans are not comfy to sleep in, even worn out ones like these" He pointed towards his legs.

I laughed. "Oh believe me I know." I walked past him over to the small white wardrobe that was in the wall. Opening it, I grabbed the PJ trousers from under a shoe box.

I frowned when I handed them to him. "Sorry. They're a bit dusty. Been a while since anyone has needed them."

"It's ok, I've slept in worse" He said, inspecting them. I raised a skeptical brow. He nodded to the truth in his words.

Turning towards the door, I grabbed the handle. "Right then. I am going to brush my teeth and change and you can change now and then you can go in the bathroom ok?"

"Cool." Was the only reply I got. Poor guy, he sounds exhausted, I thought as I closed the door to the bathroom.

Sure enough, when I got back into my room I was blessed by a sweet, heavenly sight. A sight I had never even thought would happen, not even in my wildest dreams. Alex lay on my bed, one arm thrown across his face, shielding his eyes. His bare chest glowed in the light. Jesus christ! If we both weren't so tired I would consider jumping him right there and then. I sat down on the side of the bed where Alex's sprawling limbs did not reach. Thankfully I was in the habit of folding my duvet at the bottom of my bed, so it was no bother to pull the blanket up over both of us. I lent over him and turned of my sidelight, taking one more lingering glance at his face as I did so. Snuggling down I felt content. Then there was movement next to me and Alex pushed his arm under the covers towards me, putting his arm across my waist, pulling me to his chest. I was unbelievably warm, comfy and in bed with an amazing, captivating man, what more could a woman ask for? I could feel his breath against my neck. And then out of no where, he brushed his lips up against the bare skin of my shoulder, I could feel a smile pulling at his mouth. I was done. Snuggling down against Al's warm chest, I sighed, properly happy for the first time in ages.

_"I've been wondering whether later when you tell everybody to go,_

_Will you pour me one for the road?"_


	3. The Dandelion and Burdock Girl

**\- The Dandelion and Burdock Girl -**

_"You're__ rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock"_

_-18th December 2011-_

I watched myself, as If I was nowhere, but everywhere all at the same time. I was running down some stairs in an unfamiliar house, the white walls swirled around me as if they were turning into mist. Picture frames dotted the walls. I was crying, sobbing. "What have you done. You promised me. You promised..."

I watched as I stumbled to the bottom of the stairs, and collapsed on the ground in a heap, weeping. "Please don't. Please don't leave me. Just please, not now...not ever...please" The hall morphed into a green field, grass waved lazily around my still huddled figure. The sunlight shone from an invisible sun. A single point aerial hoop swung softly from a small Oak . A faceless woman with long blonde hair balanced on it, her back to the curve of the hoop. Standing underneath her was a faceless Man, face turned upwards to the Woman. As if by unspoken words, they moved towards each other, lips slow and sure as they met. Hands tangled in hair as each pulled each body towards them. The aerial hoop shook and swung, the Woman jerked struggling to regain her balance. They seemed to fight, the Man pulling the Woman down to the earth, the Woman pulling the Man up to the sky. The more they fought to be close to each other, the more the Woman swung, and the more the Man stumbled on the ground. They were unbalanced. I watched in horror as the lovers struggled, a whisper swirled in the breeze tickling my ear. "She is His, and He is Hers and yet they struggle to be as One, to be One Whole. And so they shall, until each is ready to relinquish what they know and step into each other's Worlds." I trembled as the voice slipped away. The Lovers had now separated. Both were bent, shoulders hunched, hands still grasping for each other. And then to my despair, the Woman seemed to drift upwards towards the gaping Sky, while the Man was slowly being swallowed up by the Earth. "They are unbalanced, and so shall disappear into their Worlds..." I shivered once more, tears slid down my face.

When I awoke, only the feeling remained.

_/\\_/\/\\_

Her head was tucked into my chest, the smell of musk and lavender overwhelming my senses...

Her arm was thrown over my waist, legs intertwined with mine, like ivy we were entangled, like a moth she was drawn to a flame...

I awoke to the cold winter sunlight streaming through the cracks in unfamiliar powder blue curtains. Dust motes drifted lazily. I was swamped in the middle of a white cloud, a feather duvet was wound around my body, my face buried in soft pillows. Body completely relaxed, I was unbelievably hot. Kicking the duvet off me and sitting up, I scanned the room and my memory for some clues as to how I got here. On the wooden chair that stood next to a white dressing table, a flower patterned dress lay across it's back, black tights hanging limply from the seat. A woman's bedroom. Shit. And then I remembered. The Dandelion and Burdock Girl, Rhea. The dark blonde hair curling around a face that was studded by a winking blue nose ring. Sparkling blues eyes that said so much more than her mouth. Oh yes, I remembered her now.

Standing up, swaying slightly, I looked around for my clothes, as I realised that I was in nothing but some flimsy pajama trousers, my chest bare. Finding my t-shirt and jeans neatly folded on the bedside table, I quickly stripped and donned them, my body rapidly cooling. After I had finished I became aware of the steady beat of a bass and singing coming from downstairs. Opening the door, I noticed that it was covered in many pieces of random quotes, pictures and drawings. Studying one particular quote closely, I realised that I recognised it. It was my own words after all. 'Perhaps Fuck off might be too kind' was scrawled across a dirty white card and pinned at a jaunty angle on the center of the door. I remembered writing that lyric well. It had come from a time I would much rather forget, hence the fact that we no longer played it at shows. If only people would understand that songs are memories for me, and some of them I do not want to replay night after night. Shrugging off the feeling of impending doom, I made my way out on to the landing, plush cream carpet warming my feet.

As I made my way down the stairs, the smell of toast and coffee wafted towards me, along with the steady beat of what I recognised as You Know I'm No Good, Amy Whinehouse. And oh god, did that bring back memories. An embarrassing noise from my stomach brought me back to the present, as I stepped off the last step of the stairs. I glanced out of the window in the door at an unfamiliar street. A black Porche drove past. Fancy.

Heading towards, what I remembered to be the kitchen door, I pushed it open to see something I did not expect to see on a Sunday morning, or anytime really. Before me on the narrow corner of a counter, stood a woman with what seemed to be an extremely short dress on, her bright purple clad legs seemed endless as my gaze ran down to her pointed feet. I might add that, on my inspection of Rhea, I noticed that her dress-thing was actually very short, barely covering her bum. I quickly looked down and cleared my throat.

A small shriek came from her as she jumped and dropped whatever she had been getting from the cupboard that was situated high up on the wall. With a loud clang, a can of Baked Beans bounced onto the wooden floor at my feet. Incredibly, it didn't burst.

"Alex! Jesus Christ! Don't ever do that!" Came the indignant voice from above me. Looking up I saw Rhea, flattened up against the wall, still on the counter, hands on her chest, breathing hard.

"Alex, I could have fallen off and died. Not to be too dramatic or anything." She scowled down at me. Crouching down, and swinging herself of the counter she slided past me, to the table, sat down and cradled a steaming cup in her hands.

"Urm, sorry 'bout that. I didn't think." I said, running a hand through what I guessed to be extremely disheveled hair.

"Clearly" Came the disgruntled reply. Taking a shaky gulp of whatever she was drinking, she stood up again. Her back was to the French windows, the sun eliminating her silhouette. Unlike last night when we met, her shoulder length blonde hair fell down on to her shoulders, stray wisps curled around her face. Alex, get a grip. I mentally shook myself.

"Anyway, how did you sleep, and do you want anything to eat?" She said, a smile lighting up her once distressed features.

I put my hand to the counter, leaning on it. "Forgiven me already 'ave we?" A smirk made its way onto my face.

She laughed without opening her mouth. It was an evil laugh. "Oh no, I haven't, I will get you back, don't you worry sweetheart." She crossed her arms across her chest, smirking back. I was liking her more and more.

"We'll see." I wasn't someone who was prone to be jumpy, however I decided to humor her. Plus, I was rather hungry now. I crossed my arms in imitation of her. She rolled her eyes, lips twitching.

"So to answer your questions, yes, from what I can remember, I had one of the best night sleeps I 'ave had in a long time. I don't sleep well you see. At all..." I trailed off, my mind going back to the endless nights of insomnia, the worrying sense of being very much alone in the world.

"And? Do you want something to eat?" Her voice was soft, seeming to have sensed my sudden melancholy. Feeling shy I nodded.

_/\\_/\/\\_

When I had woken up to Alex twinned around me like ivy I had, had the heart wrenching feeling to never let him go. As if any minute now he was going to be swallowed up and I would never again hold his body close to mine. I was surprised at these feelings as they did not seem to belong to me. They belonged to someone who was older, and more world weary. They belonged to someone who was afraid. I had pushed these peculiar thoughts from my head and gazed down at him, in my arms. Ever since his break up with Alexa and his sudden change, ie his hairstyle last month, Alex had seemed to turn into a harder and more 'manly' version of himself. All leather jackets, fags and moody expressions. Gone was the cute wispy hair that had framed his face and made him look 5 years younger than his actual age. In it's place was an Elvis Presley, better known as a quiff. Slick, hard, smooth and to the point, just like the image he seemed to be trying to obtain. However, seeing him like this, face buried in my chest, arm thrown across my body, legs tangled with mine, I remembered that he was still just a man. Still just a man who needed to be held, loved and indulged. I had smiled at this thought, coming to the conclusion that I was just the woman for him. Or at least for the man I had in my head, for all I knew Alex could be someone completely different. But then again, a niggling part of me knew that there was a lot more to this rock and roll dude than met the eye, and I was happy to find out as much as I could.

I had decided to go down and start on some breakfast. However as I was dressing in the bathroom, not wanting Alex to wake up to me half naked, a sudden thought flashed into my mind. Did anybody know where Alex was? I knew that the Arctic Monkeys were in London for a while as they had a few shows here, and I knew that the rest of the band were here too, as a photo had popped up on my Tumblr dashboard of them walking the streets yesterday. If they were the mates they seemed to be, they would be worried and unless Alex had informed them he would be sleeping over at some random woman's house, they couldn't have known. And yet, he still could have sent a text when he was with me, except I was with him almost the whole time until bedtime. I decided I needed to check. First of all I ran down stairs, to where he had left his wonderfully soft jacket, over the back of the hall chair. Finding nothing I decided to check back upstairs, in his jeans.

I tip toed back into the bedroom, cringing when the door made a minute squeak. Alex lay immersed in white duvet, head barely visible, a fond smile played on my lips. It was an image I could definitely get used to. I hadn't had a man in my bed for a long time. Not since...well, just not for a long time. Bringing myself back to the present, I made my way to the bedside table where he had folded his jeans on top of his t-shirt last night. Picking them up and rejecting the seriously creepy urge to hold them to my face, I felt in the pockets. Aha! There! I pulled out a rather smart black Iphone. Pressing the on button, the lock-screen came up of a freaking sunset. See, told you he wasn't as hard as he made out to be, the dude had a sunset lock screen for gods sake! I quickly got over my surprise and to my delight I found that Alex did not seem to have a lock on his phone. Pushing aside the urge to snoop at the contents of his phone, I pressed straight on the message icon, which had a little number '3' by it. 'Agile Beast' was at the top of the message list, closely followed by 'Mum'. Aw. Pressing on 'Agile Beast' I scanned the last few messages.

**Agile Beast**_ 'still wanna catch up on breaking bad with me? 8:21pm_

**Agile Beast** _'what time you getting back?' 9:32pm_

**Agile Beast** _'hey man where are you?' 11:43pm_

And that was the end. Nothing about staying over at mine. We were more alike that I had previously thought. I was terrible at replying to messages, many a time it got me into a lot of trouble.

Stealing a quick glance at the still submerged Alex, I quickly wrote down Matt's number on my hand, with the pen that was on my dressing table, I would text him from my own phone. I replaced Alex's mobile in his jeans.

When I got down stairs I had grabbed my phone from where I had left it in my jacket last night and swiftly walked back into the kitchen, softly closing the door behind me. I had sat down in the armchair that Alex had seemed so at home in last night.

And now it was time to work on how to text the Agile Beast himself, and try to stop him from calling the police about some woman abducting Alex. Going to new messages on my phone, I tapped in Matt's number. Now, what to say...

_'Hey Matt, urm so I just want to say that I have not got your number by kidnapping Al'_

I deleted it all and started again.

_'Hi Matt, so before I start I would just like to say that'_

Again, I deleted it all. Right, just get to the point Rhea, I reminded myself. I started again.

_'Hey Matt, I'm texting 2 say that Al is at my house, I got ur number from his phone. Im not a stalker, promise :p Im just aware that if one of my mates went missing without telling me, I would wanna know what had happened. He's fine, currently asleep. I think. Anyway thought you ought to know, Rhea x'_

Before I could change my mind again I hit 'send' and 'woosh' off it went. Letting out a big breath, I lent back and rested my head against the back of the chair. I had a terrible feeling I may have just made a mistake. I desperately needed a cuppa. Getting up I drifted towards the kettle. After I had flicked the switch on the kettle, a low rumble filled the air. I reached up to get a mug out of the cupboard above it, muscles stretched and contracted, making a small groan spill from my mouth. I was so stiff and sore. They say your body gets used to a certain amount of pain if you keep doing the same exercises. Well, they lied. Or else my body was just different to everybody elses in the entire world. A soft ding cut through the room and my charged body. I turned slowly towards my phone on the counter, ignoring the now boiling kettle. Scooping it up, 'Matt AM 1 Message' lit up the screen. I unlocked it and tapped on messages. Stealing a glance, I read his text.

**Matt AM** _"hi i am glad to hear hes alright, he gave me the slip yesterday wanker -_- i'll get him for it. im sure you're not a stalker :D i do have trust in the human race, thks for letting me know ;) nice name by the way. you welsh by any chance? :)"_

I breathed out a shaky breath, now just to wait and see if he really believed I hadn't kidnapped Al, and wasn't actually calling the police right this second.

I copied his casual attitude, as I texted back.

_"Cool, yeah i'll let him know. And yes, I am Welsh, and proud! :)"_

'woosh'. Gone. Now that was sorted, breakfast awaited my starving body. What to have, that was the real question. Fry up. It was just what I needed, no doubt about it.

I turned on the radio, poured my tea to brew and set about making breakfast. As I did so the memory that Al was upstairs slowly slipped away with time, until I had all forgotten he even excited, a rare occurrence I assure you. I now stood, on my tip toes on the side, humming to Amy Whinehouse, and rummaging through the highest cupboard for a can of Baked Beans. And then there was a strange noise from beneath me, I jumped, the Baked Beans falling from my hands, to bounce on the floor with a loud bang. I turned, back to the wall, hands clutched to my pounding chest.

And there he was. Alex Fucking Turner. Looking like he had just been thoroughly fucked. Or maybe just had a good nights sleep. Either way, the way his dark brown hair was spilling into his eyes, made me weak at the knees. Pushing away these scary feelings, my indignation burst forward. I finished with a very mature "...Alex, I could have fallen off and died. Not to be too dramatic or anything."

I almost felt guilty for shouting at him as he starred with his liquid brown orbs. Almost. I crouched down, longing for the solid floor beneath my feet. And to look somewhere else and not at this sex god. I sidled past him to the table, and took a shaky gulp, barely looking up when he said 'He didn't think'. I gave the reply it deserved. After my tea had settled in my stomach, and my manners slowly came back I stood up. He stared and then blinked. Shit I didn't have something on my face did I? He probably wouldn't tell me if I did. I smiled and proceeded to ask him how his night was and if he wanted anything to eat. His reply was fine, confident and smirky, and then seemed to sadden as his sentence went on. I just wanted to hold him at that moment, but decided against it.

**Hope you all liked it (so far) don't forget to let me know what you think!**


	4. I Can Make You Fall For Me

**\- I Can Make You Fall For Me -**

_"I can't explain but I want to try_

_There's this image of you and I_

_And it goes dancing by in the morning and in the night time"_

_-18th December 2012-_

I had been watching the same cloud change from one creature to another for awhile now, chin resting on my hand, while my other was wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. I was waiting for Alex to carry on with what he had been saying before a Robin on the tree outside had distracted him.

After we had, had breakfast, a rather delicious one if I say so myself, Alex and I had sat with steaming mugs in our hands and chatted. It had started off as a rather innocent conversation, as I explained what I was doing here in London. Of course when I finished explaining why I had decided to do a Foundation Degree in the Circus Arts, it was his turn. Until now Alex had never mentioned that he was in a band at all, so I was surprised when he started to talk about it so easily. I had previously thought that it was something he avoided talking about, something he wanted to hide when he talked to new people. However, he launched into it with ease and a heart warming passion, telling me stories of previous tours and shows. I laughed hard when he told me about the time he got stuck in the loo at the NME Awards. Apparently the other guys will never let him forget it. Some of them I knew the press would have a field day about if they found out, and I was touched that he obviously felt safe to tell me some of the band's dirty little secrets.

What I found rather interesting, was that he never talked about Alexa, or any of his previous relationships while touring. I did recall seeing pictures, that surfaced about 3 months ago, that made it quite obvious that Al was in a relationship with one of those LA actress/models, I think her name was Ariella or something. However, judging by how quickly the pictures disappeared of them, I came to the conclusion that the relationship didn't last long. My suspicions were proven true when Alex started to talk about this year's tour which the Arctic Monkeys had just about ended.

Alex had been sitting for a little while now, just looking out of the windows. I had been trying my best not to stare, however I failed quite miserably , so I stared anyway, Alex was completely oblivious. The emotions that he made me feel scared me. I was afraid of what this was, what it could be. I had not been the most fortunate in love, and in my 19 years, well, lets just say that I had, had my fair share of heartbreak.

After a while Alex drew in a breath and started to speak again. "This tour has been one of the hardest I think. Obviously our first ever tour was extremely difficult, as we were all so new to it. We missed our families an' friends...our girlfriends, but at the end of the day it was ok, we, like, got into the swing of things. I suppose with this one, I were gettin' over, well, bein' dumped." He turned towards me at this point and gave a half smile. "You know of Alexa Chung right?" I nodded my head, not wanting to break this bubble with my voice.

"Well, as you probably know, I were with her for a long time, she 'elped me to cope with the new, urm, world that I had been thrust into. I am positive that if it wasn't for her I would 'ave gone off the rails a long time ago. I owe her a lot. An' at the same time I owe her nothin' at all"

Alex looked down at his hands that were wrapped around a blue and white striped mug. "Well she cheated on me. I won't say with who it were with, an' I don't think anybody else knows, except our closest friends. To say the least, I took it very bad. I relied on 'er a lot you see. At first I were angry, very angry, an' I think that's what 'elped me power through the first few months of this year's tour. An' then I met Ariella an' she was everythin' Alexa wasn't. But I couldn't give Ariel what she needed, I were still so fookin' hung up on Alexa. So that finished quickly, I wish it hadn't, but in the end, we can't really control how we feel."

He stopped there and gave me an embarrassed look. "Sorry, I don't know where this is all comin' from..."

I rolled my eye, and gave a small smile. "Alex Hun, I don't know much, but my mother is a counsellor and if she has taught me a few things, it's that I can tell when a person needs to talk about some shit, so please don't apologize and carry on." I reached over and gave his forearm a small squeeze.

He looked at me then and though he didn't say anything, he thanked me. He continued. "Well anyway, this tour has been exhaustin', physically, an' emotionally an' now I am so fookin' tired, all the bloody time. It's like, this last month, it has all seemed a bit pointless. I've tried to give the shows my all, an' I do enjoy them in the moment, it's just I know I'm not givin' it all I can, an' that makes me disappointed in meself. That I'm not givin' the crowd the very best I can. It's like, urm, I don't really know..."

He trailed off and frowned, looking back out of the window to the bright grey clouds. " I suppose what I need is summat, or even someone new to put all my energy into. I need new experiences, new things and people to write about.. I need..., I need a new muse. Y'know what I mean?"

I nodded my head in agreement. "Yes completely. When I perform I need to have new experiences, tastes and flavours, new feelings to put into my shows, into my routines. Each routine has a little bit of me in it. And if I don't explore new things, there will be no new things to put into it. For me a routine is like a song. A song I sing with my body." I gave a small chuckle. "The questions is, do you get what I mean?"

Alex grinned at me, which made my heart do a little jump. " I think you and me are more alike than I previously thought."

I leaned back in my chair and grinned back. " Yes, I think you're right." As we sat and smiled at each other, I happened to look up at the clock that was mounted on the wall above Alex's head. I jerked forwards in shock, and then jumped up, making the chair skid loudly behind me.

"Shit, shit, shit, _shit_!" I muttered, as I stumbled to the armchair that I have left my phone on. I snatched it up and turned it on. Somehow it was now 12:04pm. I had completely forgotten I had a rehearsal at 1:30pm. Fuck. I turned around, back to Alex, who was now standing and looking at me in bewilderment.

"What's the matter, Darlin'?" A frown now ran across his face.

Disappointment filled every fiber of my being. I so wanted to stay here and sit with this man, and talk. I wanted it so bloody bad. I sighed and looked at him. " I completely forgot I have a rehearsal, at half one today, I have no idea how I forgot. I am so sorry, I would much rather stay here. With you."

His face lifted. The frown disappeared to be replaced with a relieved smile "Bloody hell Rhea, I thought summat really bad 'ad happened." Something really bad has happened, I thought glumly, I have to leave you.

I pushed away this thought and smiled back. "Yes, I can be rather dramatic sometimes. I better go and get my stuff ready. And, urm, I think your jacket is on the chair in the hall."

His face fell a bit has I made the hint that he had to leave, I hated myself for saying it.

"I'll be back down in a minute." With that I jogged upstairs, nearly slipping off one step, and hastily packed my rucksack with my training clothes, a notebook, my phone and purse. Grabbing my black overcoat out of my wardrobe and throwing my rucksack onto my back, I speeded back downstairs, hitting my hand on the stair railings as I went. It fucking hurt. A lot.

"Ow, ow, ow. Stupid fucking railing..." I muttered as I came to the bottom of the stairs. Alex waited for me near the door, leaning up against the wall, arms crossed. He gave me a questioning look. I held up my hand. "Just whacked my hand on the stair railing, I'll live. I think."

He chuckled and walked towards me, his hands reaching out to me. For a minute I thought he was coming in for a hug, but then he stopped about half a foot away from me and held out his hand. It took a while for it to dawn on me what he actually wanted to inspect my hand. I was happy to oblige. His hands were cold and soft on my equally chilly right hand, as he turned my hand round, so he could get a look at the reddening spot on my knuckle. I didn't breath until he let it drop back down to my side. He looked up and smirked, and I could have sworn he knew exactly what effect he was having on me. Gone was the sensitive, open man, and back was the cool, aloof, rock and roll dude. "Seems all fine to me. Nothin' broken, my back on the other 'and, well lets just say that you're heavier than you look an' your fookin' bed is not especially comfy." I rolled my eyes at him, and nudged him out of the way with my shoulder, as I walked to the door.

"Well I'm not gonna inspect your back and personally my bed is very comfy for me, and as it's my bed, neither me nor the bed care what your opinion is." I stated as I unlocked the door and stepped into the chilly street.

"Very well." Came the answer from behind me. I turned and made a gesture for him to hurry up and get out of the house. "I am late you know." He walked past and onto the pavement, looking left and right, up and down my street. He looked back at me and frowned, as I shrugged on my overcoat.

"I have absolutely no idea where we are. Seems quite fancy though." My lips twitched as I walked past him and started walking to the left down the tree lined street.

Making sure he was following me, I replied. "Urm, well, yeah, that's because it is. My Step-Grandmother's husband was in the war and some, like, high up officer or something. Anyway they were loaded. So then he died, ages ago, and she got all the money obviously and bought this place. Don't be fooled by where I live, I am totally skint."

We both jumped back as a black cat leaped across our path and into the hedge of a house to our left. When we continued walking, he replied. "Oh right, an' where is your Nan then, I didn't see her lurkin' anywhere around the house." I heard the smile in his voice, but denied myself a look to make sure.

"Sally does not lurk. And, yeah, she's in France, the Alps to be exact, skiing, as she has a small flat there. It is a really lovely place, I went there a lot after my dad married my step-mum, Sally's daughter, Clare. Never skied though, cause we always went in the Summer, as Dad had too much work." I took a left down another wooded street. Alex followed.

"Oh I see." He said, once again looking all over the place like he had lost something. "Where are we goin' by the way?" He said turning to me. "I need to get to a tube station, if I am gonna get back to mine."

I started to skip along the pavement, feeling light. "Well you're in luck, cause that is exactly where we are going." I slowed down and walked backwards, looking at Alex as he trudged behind me. I laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not trying to kidnap you or anything, jeez"

He gave me a look as he caught up with me, pushing his messy hair out of his eyes. I definitely preferred it down, than all gelled up. And yet the quiff did have a certain allure about it.

I turned back around and we carried on at comfortable pace in silence. I gazed at the passing cars and people, as they carried on with their lives, just like Alex and I. A chance meeting, a split second decision and a night of companionship. And you know what? I was ok with that. Alex had made me feel safe and listened to. He seemed to take me seriously, for instance, he didn't look at me strange when I gave voice to some of my crazy beliefs. I knew deep down that this was too good to last. I was pretty sure that we would now part ways and go on with our own very different lives. I would cherish the memories and then move on to tomorrow. Or at least that's what I hoped to do, but to be honest, I was pretty shit at it and life had a way of throwing up unwanted memories and people in my face. 'What will be, will be' was my Mother's favourite quote and hey, sometimes it made sense to me, sometimes it didn't, just like life.

We had now come up to a small village green, with a few shops lining the one way street. A Sunday Market bustled around us as we made our way to the Tube Station. As we walked past a pastry shop, a young man behind the counter gave Alex a long hard look. I glanced up at Alex to see if he saw this, and saw that he had placed his extremely fashionable Ray Bans over his eyes, looking very much like a superstar trying to hide. I will never understand 'celebrities' with their sunglasses obsession. I suppose sometimes it worked well at hiding who you are, however people are more likely to check you out if you are wearing them on a fucking cloudy day. Like today! Like I said, I will never understand.

Taking Alex's arm in mine I guided him away from the hustle and bustle of the market and towards the 3 stone steps that lead up to the Tube Station. I tugged on Alex's arm. He looked down at me. "What?"

I gave a 'what the fuck' face. "If you're trying to hide behind those, you're failing miserably. You're just drawing attention to yourself, have you not seen the sky today? Its fucking cloudy Alex!"

He looked back up, and gave a shrug. "I like them, and I have a lot of pairs. Anyway, what if I wanna draw attention to myself. What if I wanna be recognised?" His voice was challenging.

I frowned. What the hell had gotten into him? One minute he was a lovely open person, next he was this snarky dude. Anyway, I didn't believe him one bit, this was his mask, and he and I both knew it.

"I don't know what has suddenly gotten into you Alex, but you're not fooling me, so cut it out." I took my arm from him and marched up to the door into the station and on to the platform, swiping my Oyster card as I went. I looked up at the tube times and gave a sigh of relief as I saw that all the trains were on time. Mine was due in 4 minutes, I would just about make it. I went and sat down on a vacant bench to the back of the small station. The bench was very, very cold.

"I wish they would make these out of wood or summat else. I know they can rot and be burned, but at least your arse doesn't fookin' freeze off when you sit on them." Alex commented as he settled down beside me.

"Agreed." I said, looking the other way. "My train is due in about 3 minutes. Just so you know."

"Hey, Rhea, look at me, I'm sorre 'bout that, back there. It's not you." He put his hand on mine.

I couldn't stop myself giving him a reassuring smile as I turned and faced him. I was never very good at keeping small grudges. Plus, he had taken off his glasses.

"It's ok. Do you know when your train is?" I asked, ready to forgive and forget. If he wanted to elaborate, he would.

He settled back against the hard grey metal of the bench and squinted in the sunlight that had burst through the clouds. "Yeah its in like, 10 minutes or summat'"

I made a small noise in reply, and lent back like Alex. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sunlight on my skin. I had tried, and failed to get a tan this year, but then again, its not like I tried very hard. Alex's hand was still in mine, his thumb gently drawing patterns on my skin. I smiled and was content.

And then the train just had to arrive. Trust the tube to be on time when you least wanted it to be. I let go of Alex's hand and stood up, the rush of air from the train made my hair swirl around my face. I pushed it away irritably.

Hoisting the bag onto my shoulder, I turned to a now standing Alex. "Well bye then Hun. It's been lovely spending time with you." Before I could help myself I stepped towards Alex and brushed my lips against his soft cheek. I jerked back around and jumped into the train, just as the doors swished shut behind me. As the train whizzed past, I saw him standing in the station, one hand raised as if he was about to wave. He saw me looking at him, and raised his eyebrows. And then he winked. My heart gave a flutter and I collapsed onto the seat next to me, ignoring the stares of my fellow passengers.

Later that night, after I had gotten home and was settling down to a late tea, a small ding came from my phone. **Matt AM**: _1 Message_ flashed up on the screen. My stomach clenched. I unlocked my phone and read the text.

**Matt AM** _'hes the happiest he has been in a long time, thank you. im sure we'll be seeing each other soon x'_

*****Lemme know what you all think Sav x**


	5. I Am the Flash When You Close Your Eyes

**-I Am the Flash When You Close Your Eyes-**

_"Maybe I was mistaken but,_

_I just cannot manage to make it through the day_

_Without thinking of you lately"_

_-31st December 2011-_

I had never been much of a 'girly girl' as a child, and would frequently get myself muddy and dirty, ripping and drawing on my clothes all the time. However, I had always had a worrying sense of style. So even if I was going to get muddy that day, I would still make sure I looked nice and that my items of clothing went together. To put it plainly, I enjoy looking nice. I enjoy being able to look in the mirror and think, yes I made a good choice wearing this. Of course this lead to times of not being able to decide what to wear at all. Like now, I was stuck.

Yesterday evening, I had got a text from my best friend Jade, explaining the there was a party happening on Friday night and I must come to it, as I had apparently been a very bad friend lately. Since it was in fact going to be New Year's Eve on that particular night, I couldn't refuse, plus I did love a good party. The interesting, and slightly worrying thing about it, was that it was a 'Secret Party'. As in Jade had a got a email, saying the location, time and what to wear, black, with a splash of colour. The great thing about it was that the music played at the parties were by up and coming artists who wanted to to test out there stuff on a proper big crowd. It was a fantastic variety we got, I had been to two in the past and one had been a rather good rock band, and the other had been a country band. I enjoyed both a lot. Jade and I didn't know anyone else who was going to be there apart from each other. To be honest I was pretty excited about it. Until just before Christmas I had been so busy with my rehearsals for our Christmas show that I had, had barely anytime to rest, let alone party. So that brought me all the way back to my dilemma. What to wear. My options were a mini black and white checkered dress, with lovely small frills around the neck, that dipped down into a lovely cleavage showing V. My other option was a semi plain black dress, that showed a load of shoulder and had black sequins around the neck. Chic or sophisticated? There was only one thing for it. Ask the master of fashion himself. Matthew J Helders the 3rd.

Ever since he texted me the night after Alex left, we had been sending texts back and forth, talking about whatever came to mind. I had come to realise that like I had already assumed, there was a very interesting man behind the leather lace up trousers and afro. Breanna, Matt's model girlfriend, was a very lucky girl. I'll be honest, at first I was only really texting him so I would not lose contact with AM, ie Alex, but the more we talked, the more I enjoyed it and after a while I stopped kicking myself about not getting Alex's number and went with the flow.

I put on both dresses and took a quick selfie with each. I then sat on my bed, wrapped up in my duvet and typed a message to Matt, which simply said, _'Which one?'_

Not a minute later my phone chimed and a message from Matt appeared. It read:

**Matt AM:**_'well it depends what sort of party u r goin to...? as it happens we're going to one too :D it's a secret party, we only know the time, location and what to wear, black, with a splash of colour. whatever thats supposed to mean O_O'_

My mouth dropped open as I read this. We couldn't be going to the same party could we? No way, that sort of shit just did not happen to me. I mean, I knew they were back in London from a short stint in Australia, but I didn't think I would actually see them while they were here. I had been trying to get up the courage to ask Matt about Alex, but I had failed and since Matt hadn't mentioned him except for that first text, I assumed Alex didn't really care that much. I was pretty sure Matt would have told him that he had my number.

I texted back as quick as my fingers could move._ 'wait wait WAIT! ur goin to a party? when is it? we couldn't be going to the same one could we? :o'_

I huddled back into my duvet while I waited and scanned my messy room. Clothes were strewn all over the bed and floor, dresses flopped over the back of my chair, while make up littered the top of my dressing table. I had found it hard to find black clothes, as I was quite a colourful person, and most of my dark clothes I owned were training gear and there was no way I was wearing that. I knew I was going to have to tidy up soon. Sally was back in a week's time, and I knew she would have a peek in my room, then drop subtle hints that I needed to tidy up, if it wasn't up to her standards.

My phone lit up again as I received another message from Matt.

**Matt AM:**_ 'that would be so good if we are, i have to meet u soon. its starts at 8:00pm tonight, somewhere in west london, can't quite remember. if we're going to the same party, you should wear the black sequin one :)'_

I did a little dance on my bed, well I say dance, it was more of a wiggle and squeal. I was now 95% sure we were going to the same party. I hoped Alex would be there, after all he did say 'we' and yet, even if it was just Matt it would be fine. We got a long like a house on fire, god knows what we would be like when we actually met. I was grinning at the ceiling when my phone went off again. It was Matt again.

**Matt AM** _'by the way, i'll try and persuade al to come ;)'_

I jumped up on my bed a launched myself skywards, I felt extremely light as I flew upwards. And then I felt very heavy as I landed hard on my not too soft mattress. I sent a short text back to Matt.

_'yep i think we r goin to the same one. do your best do your best for me yeah? ;)'_

I got off my bed, only wearing my favourite black lacy underwear and checked the time on my phone. It was 6:28pm, I was meeting Jade at 7:30pm at the Tube Station as we wanted to travel together. Right, I have 1 hour, I can get ready in that time, I think. I quickly hurried into the bathroom just outside my room and proceeded to wash myself and brush my teeth. After I had done that, I applied moisturiser to my face, and deodorant to armpits. I better remember to take that in my bag. At parties I was not one of those wall flowers, I was in the middle of that dancefloor sweating away with the rest of them. Hence the deodorant. Next was my hair. The night before I had washed it and then put into quick plaits. I now undid them, and shook my head, letting it fall in soft waves to just past my shoulders. I looked in the mirror and smiled. Yeah, I looked pretty good, considering I hadn't even put makeup on all day. I skipped back out of the bathroom, and too my bed wear the black sequin dress waited. I slipped it over my head and checked in the mirror that all was good. I hadn't worn it in a while, and god knows what could have happened to it over the months.

I did little spin, the dress stayed tight against my body. I had forgotten how much I liked this dress. I had gotten it from a charity shop on High Street Kensington and had only worn it a few times since. It was tight fitting and had 3 quarter length sleeves, the skirt length was just above my knees. Short enough to be fun, but not so short I couldn't bend over.

Remembering it was in fact just about January, I decided I was going to need something to cover my legs and some sort of coat. I went and rummaged through one of my draws, and pulled out my favourite black knee socks. I know they weren't going to completely cover my legs, but at the end of the day, they were warmer than bare legs, plus they were easy to take off if I got too hot. After I had pulled them on, I turned to inspect my coat and jacket collection. I smiled and reached out to take my worn leather jacket from off the hook. My mother had, had it when she was in her early 20's, and has passed it onto me on my 18th birthday. I was probably a little too attached to it, but my mother had been in tears when she gave it to me, it had meant a lot to her.

I layed it over the back of the chair, and turned back to my dressing table, make-up was next on the list. I was never one to use make-up often, but over the years a woman does seem to end up with a good amount. It seemed that at birthdays and Christmas, if somebody didn't know what to get you, you got nail varnish or make-up. To be fair, I did get some nice stuff and most of the time I really appreciated the nail varnish. Tonight I was going with silver nail varnish on my clipped short nails, as I had painted them last night. I had bitten them for as long as I could remember, only recently had I stopped, but then I had, had to cut them short, as they were not safe for training. I had the seen the aftermath of acrobatics with long nailed performers, It wasn't pretty.

I sat down on my chair and inspected the make-up selection. I didn't want to be over the top, but I wanted to do something different. I moved forward to rest my elbows on my table, and as my foot moved to accommodate the new position, it stepped on something long and hard. I looked under the table, and there, next to one of the legs, was a stick of lipstick in a unmarked silver case. It must have rolled off the table when I emptied the contents of my make-up back onto it earlier. I picked it up and pulled the lid off. Twisting the bottom, a dark red coloured lipstick appeared. My favourite, I was definitely using this tonight. I puckered my lips and lent forward to the mirror, slashing the redness on. I sucked them in to get a even colouring then let them back out again. Happy with them, I reached over to the far corner of the desk and swiped my de-smudger thingy. I told you make-up presents could be useful sometimes. I applied that, then popped the lid back on and scanned my eye make-up selection. I decided quickly as I noticed that I didn't have that much time left before I had to meet Jade. I decided on Mascara, a smudge of eyeliner and bit of liquid eyeliner to do some cool dots and swirls on the corner of my eye. You could say it was a little party trademark of mine and Jades. I was looking forward to seeing what artwork she had drawn on her face.

Finished, I turned my head this way and that, until I was satisfied that everything was in place. I switched on my phone and saw that I had just over 20 minutes to get to the station.

I jumped up and grabbed my jacket off the bed. Picking up my phone, I scanned the room to see if I had forgotten anything. Seeing all was fine, I shut the door behind me and jogged down stairs, careful not to slip or hit myself on the railing this time. I didn't want to think about him now, or else I was going to get too nervous.

Damn him.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs I bent down and snagged my old worn, Doc Martens from under the hall table. I had, had them for just over a year now and had worn them a lot. They were a dark leather, that was almost black with a pattern of the blue and white flowers inside, they reached just below my knees. They were laced up with blue ribbons, which were fraying slightly at the ends, and were a little grubby. Oh well, it gave them a loved look. As I sat down on the hall chair and laced them up, or was it 'robonned' them up, I remembered that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I really didn't want to go to this party on an empty stomach, because I planned to dance, and I did want to be able to hold my drink for a while at least. I would get some chips or summat on the way, I am sure Jade would be delighted. She is always complaining I eat too much green stuff, while she loves her carbs. However, Jade is one of those women who has an amazing body, who can take that shit into their body's and it does fuck all about it. I'm not saying I don't have a good metabolism too, it's just I felt kinda dirty and yucky if I ate not enough fresh stuff. Not many people get what I'm on about, and I was yet to find someone who truly understood. After I had finished 'ribboning' up my boots, I slipped on my jacket, picked up my bag, double checking I had my phone purse and various other essentials. Satisfied all was there, I put in the code so the alarm wouldn't go off and stepped out of the door.

The chilly December hit me like a refreshing slap. As I walked,, I breathed in the London air and smiled. I do love London, I really do. I knew that I didn't want to live here all my life, it was too busy, too full on, too rushed, but for someone who was just starting out in the world it was the perfect place to start. There were so many opportunities, so many new people to meet, some that would help you on your way and some that will make you trip, but then even they helped you out. They made you keep an eye out for the ones who try and stop you from making your dreams come true. Fuck them. Just keep on marching, and don't forget to smell the roses on the way. That was the motto I liked to try and live by, and hey, sometimes it worked.

As I walked past the once snow laden Apple tree that Alex and I had walked past that night, memories of him slipped past the shaky barrier I had put up the last few weeks. It wasn't that I wanted to forget him and our night together, it was more that he distracted me, and it was really what I didn't need after we parted. Or rather I ran and left him standing, bewildered on a platform somewhere in London. At least I hope he had been bewildered. I hoped I had left a flash in his mind, one that would pop up behind his eyelids everytime he closed his eyes, as if he had been staring at a light too long. The light being me off course. I smiled at myself as I thought this. After spending just 12 hours in his company, his poetic way of talking had rubbed off on me, and to be honest I wasn't sure it was a bad thing at all. I had certainly had a nice comment from my lecturer on how nicely written my most recent essay was. Her exact words were "...you have used the poetic side of the English Language to it's fullest. Well done." I had been quite pleased about that, and had silently thanked Alex.

I jogged over to the other side of the road and turned left up the street to the Village Green. There were a few people knocking around, I smile at a young looking Dad as he went past, a baby strapped to his chest with a sling. He looked exhausted, but glowy all at the same time, new parents normally do. As I got closer to the station I recognised a tall curly haired dark blonde, sitting on the steps that lead up towards the station. When Jade saw me she jumped up and ran over, scooping me up in a warm hug. She smelled of peppermints and Apple shampoo, her favorite. She let go and gave me a once over.

"Looking good babe! I like the eyes. What do you think about mine? Did I go too far on the 'splash of colour'?"

She did a little spin, which showed me that she was in fact wearing a pair of blood red jeans and a black spiral patterned crop top that seem to hang off one shoulder. She had finished the outfit off with a slash of lip gloss, a few sparkles and flicks of liquid eyeliner around the corners of her eye's. And of course, like me she had worn her old leather jacket. I liked it, very Jade.

"You look very sexy and fabulous." I told her, catching her arm in mine and guiding her towards the station entrance. We were gonna be late, but now I was with Jade, it didn't seem to matter as much.

She skipped up the steps with me. "Good, cause thats exactly what I was aiming for!" A small giggle escaped my lips, tonight was going to be fun.

**Sorry, it's kinda short guys, but I actaully really enjoyed writing this and I wish I could have spent more time making it longer. Don't forget to tell me what you think and to SIGN IN so I can reply to all your lovely reviews! Sav x**


	6. I'll Write a Song About You

**\- I'll Write a Song About You -**

_"And I bet she told a million people that she'd stay in touch,_

_But all the little promises they don't mean much,_

_When there's memories to be made..."_

_-31st December 2011/1st January 2012-_

"And would you like salt and vinegar with that?"

"Yes, and can I have a little bit of Mayonnaise too, please?" I replied to the young women behind the counter.

Jade and I were currently in a small chippy a few streets away from our destination. After a short(ish) tube ride we had gotten off and I had explained that I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch. As predicted Jade was delighted that we would be getting chips.

"Do you wanna eat them at the party or shall we find a bench?" Jade inquired from behind me. She currently had her arms linked around my neck, face in my hair.

"Urm, lets find a bench, I think that would be the best plan of action." I said as I paid for our chips and turned towards the door, Jade still attached to me. We parted as we went out of the door into the night. Passing the chips to Jade, I took my phone out of my bag and checked the time. The party had started about 15 minutes ago, but I was content to take it slow and eat the the chips, god knows it wouldn't end until early in the morning.

We made our way to a nearby bench that looked quite dirty, but then again, what did you expect in London. We sat and I unwrapped the paper from around my chips, while Jade did the same beside me. We sat and ate for a while, before Jade licked her fingers and turned to me. I silently groaned, here we go.

"Rhea I need to talk to you."

I ate a chip.

"I don't think you're being completely truthful with me about a certain man."

I ate a second chip.

"Rhea! I am talking to you. You are going to have to tell me about him properly at some point. I mean, you haven't even told me his name. I've told you about my adventure last week, so why won't you tell me about yours?"

I sighed and looked up. "Because Jade, I am afraid if I start to talk about him, I won't stop. I am afraid he is going to take over my mind. He's just that sort of guy." I gave a little smile. "Oh and his name is Alex, Alex Turner." And I waited, there was silence from beside me.

And then: "You what! Why didn't you tell me before! Seriously Rhea you have been like the worst friend. Oh wait. You must have slept together, he's fucking sexy as fuck, I don't even know, but the point is, how did you resist?"

I smiled and turned to Jade. "Well actually we did sleep together." She gasped. "As in, we literally slept in the same bed, together, just like I told you before. And how did I resist you ask? Well I resisted because there is more to Al than just a stupidly good body, and right then, that was what I wanted. Oh and also, we may be seeing him tonight, if Matt can persuade him to come."

Jade jumped up and did a little wiggle, arm waving dance thingy, which got some admiring glances from a group of passing men and women. After she had got it out of her system by dancing and a few choice swear words, she sat back down next to me and grabbed my hand.

"Do you know what this means? Do you! It means dreams do come true!"

I nodded my head in agreement. "Indeed it does my dear Jade, indeed it does." She jumped up again throwing half of her chips into the bin next to the bench. Then she turned and looked expectantly at me.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Prince charming awaits!" She crowed joyfully.

I smiled and was caught up in her happiness. Yes, prince charming awaited, if he had even turned up in the first place. I chucked my empty chip rapper in the bin and turned with Jade down the street towards where the party was being held. It seemed that half of London town had, had the same idea as there was an insane amount of people on the streets. I suppose it was New Years Eve after all. I hadn't celebrated it in full last year for various reasons, so I was extra excited about tonight. My favorite times were when the whole country celebrated one certain day. It was as if we were all connected, all one whole, having fun and not only honoring the thing, but each other. I will always love how kind everybody is on Christmas day.

As we neared the location I checked the directions again on Jade's phone, I was not the best at remembering stuff. As it happened the place we were meant to be going to was quite obvious. It seemed to be a small nightclub, I could already hear the bass from inside. As we neared the two black doors, a few people outside looked up. They too were dressed in black, with a splash of colour, we seemed be at the right place. I checked them out and they checked us out too, I realised that none of them had gone for as much colour as Jade though, and I thought was great.

We stepped through the door and down a dimly lit hallway into the doorway of a rather swanky club. Music and conversation swirled around us, assaulting our ears. The bass from hidden speakers vibrated through my body. I looked at Jess and grinned.

"This place is awesome!" I said in a loud whisper. She nodded back, hard. We stepped through the doorway into the actual club. There was rather a lot of people there, the party had defiantly already started. I turned my head to follow a woman dressed as a black and orange cat, as she made her way to the crowded bar across the room. Lights flashed and her eyes lit up, making it obvious she had contact lenses in. Good for her, she looked amazing. Now we had actually made it here, I needed to get in the mood. I needed a drink. I motioned Jade towards the bar, and she followed, looking around with wide eyes. This was obviously a rather expensive club, whoever was playing tonight was rather rich or had friends in good places. Although the club seemed rather tame now, I could feel that as the night came over us, it would all change. We wedged ourselves on a couple of bar stools on the end of the wooden counter. Both of us started to salivate over the colourful array of drinks. I thought I would start with a good old alcoholic Ginger Beer, my favorite. I asked Jade what she was having.

"Oh I'm going straight in and having some of that fire whisky to warm myself up. Did you not feel how cold it was outside? I'm not sure if I have nipples anymore!" She finished with a dramatic flourish which nearly whacked the approaching barman in the face.

He held up his hands as if to fend off any further attacks. "Woah there, watch out. You nearly had my eye out then." He didn't look to annoyed though, as he leaned on the bar and gave us a once over. "What can I get you ladies tonight?" He smirked, giving Jade the eye.

I grimaced at his suggestive air. There was only a few men who I would react positively towards tonight, and unfortunately I hadn't spotted them yet. Jade ended up ordering for us both as I was too busy looking around for any sign of a quiff or Afro, unfortunately none could be seen.

I looked over towards where the music was coming from and saw beyond the crowd of dancing people a DJ, swaying backwards and forwards as she mixed her tracks. Surely that wasn't the act we had all come to see. It had said that there was going to be a band. I puzzled over this for a while, and then came to the conclusion that she must be the warm up act, and a pretty good one too, my feet were itching to get on the heaving dance floor.

The barman came back with our drinks. I noticed that Jade had gone with a rather small whiskey and gave her a knowing smile. Jade wasn't that great at holding her drinks, I could drink her under the table any day, and I never let her forget it. She scowled at me.

"Anything else I can get you lovely women?" Said the annoying barman, who I wished would just go and disappear into the blackness of forever. He wasn't Alex or Matt, and as far as I was concerned any man who wasn't them could piss off. Even of this guy did have floppy blonde hair that got in his eyes. Normally that would make my heart go a bit all over the place, but not tonight.

"No thank you." I answered as coolly as I could. Just because he was good looking, and oh Jesus did he know it, didn't give him the right to leer over us women. He sensed my what I wasn't saying and departed without another word. Good riddance.

"Hey! Why did you have to do that? Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean I don't like him." Said Jade in an indignant voice. I gave her a look. She rolled her eyes. "Fine he was a bit gross I suppose."

I looked again at the dance floor and I felt my longing grow. I had noticed there were tables dotted around the sides of the room, I indicated a vacant one in the far corner to Jade. Grabbing our drinks, we headed that way. We were jostled and pushed as we made our way across the floor, but in a good way. I smiled again, my body was alive with the bass, fingers already dancing to the music. We dumped our drinks on the table, I took off my jacket and unhooked my bag off my shoulder to push under the table. I was pretty sure this place was safe, but you could never be too careful. Jade followed my lead, shedding her equally gorgeous jacket, revealing her lovely black crop top. She stood up and downed the last of her glass of whisky, as I downed a gulp of my beer. After that we turned in unison and headed towards the floor, ready to show them how to really move.

I gasped for air as I walked back to our thankfully still vacant table. It seemed that placing drinks on them had some how reserved it for us, I told you this was a fancy place. I sat down on one of the plush stools that was just under the table and took a gulp of my now rather flat beer. We had been dancing longer than I thought, and Jade was still going for it. The secret band who were meant to be playing arrived about 15 minutes after we started to dance. They were called Dub Mafia, oh my god could the dub it up. I was so buying their album afterwards.

I lifted my hair up from the nape of my neck and fanned with my other hand in an effort to gets some cool air on my sweaty skin. And then a voice cut through the noise of the club.

"Need some help there Darlin'?" Said the voice from just behind me, I recognised it instantly. I stayed looking at the wall opposite me, letting my hair fall back down to my shoulders. I smiled.

" I can cool myself perfectly well thank you very much Alex." I stayed looking the other way.

"Oh but how can you cool yourself when you're so damned hot?" Came his voice.

I stayed cool for about 2 seconds and then through my head back and laughed hard. I turned still sniggering to were Alex was standing in a very fetching black t-shirt, with black skinny jeans and one of his black leather jackets. Oh baby, you're so dark.

"Are you fucking serious Alex? That was bad, even for you!"

I sniggered again, as he looked away and smiled an embarrassed smile. He rubbed his neck and looked down, his messy quiff pointing to between my crossed legs. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that. I'm not entirely sure where that came from."

"Your awkward 15 year old self maybe?" I suggested, giving him a wink.

He smiled at me. "Yeah probably. Anyway, getting off that rather embarrassing subject, I have a question."

I frowned, shit he sounded really serious. "Yes?" I prompted, watching him settle down on the stool opposite me. He rested his chin on his clasped hands and looked at me. I copied his position and raised my eyebrows.

"Why did you leave me like that? You didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye Rhea."

This time he raised his eyebrows at me. I sighed and turned to look somewhere else that wasn't Alex. I could just about spot Jade dancing with some blonde guy, I hoped it wasn't that barman.

Now was the time to decide whether to be truthful or make something up. I opened my mouth and spoke, really hoping I wouldn't regret what I was about to say.

"Because I wanted to leave you as bewildered as you make me, because I was stupid, because I wanted to pretend it wasn't goodbye." I looked down at the table, and scratched at a bit of dirt. "Because I didn't want to make it more than it was. Lets be honest Alex, where the hell could we have gone from there. I suppose I just thought I would leave quickly and we could forget about each other. Move on." I shrugged, still looking down at the fake wooden table.

"Rhea?"

"Yeah?"

"Look at me."

I did. I couldn't meet his eyes. Shit, shit shit. Why had I just said that? I was going to totally weird him out now, just you wait and see.

"Urm, excuse me." We both jerked our heads up to see a young man with a camera round his neck, a buzz cut and wearing a bright yellow t-shirt. Put all this together and it was just a little bit of an eye sore. He reached out his hand to me, I automatically shook it, he then turned towards Alex.

"Hi, my name is Jeremy and I was wondering if could possibly have your picture? You see I am currently in Kings Uni and I am studying Photography. " He paused and looked down, embarrassed. "And, well, I really like your band. It would be a genuine pleasure to take a photo of you."

He looked back at me and smiled. I stretched my lips in what I hope was some sort of smile. Alex glanced at me from across the small table, I widened my eyes slightly. What the fuck was this? Anyone could have seen we were having quite a serious conversation. Unless, it seemed, you were someone like Buzz Cut here.

Alex seemed to awaken, sitting up straight and smiling his signature smirk. I didn't know who he was anymore. Alex stretched out his hand and stood up. Buzz cut shook it eagerly.

"Yeah man, sure, where do you want me?" Alex drawled, his voice becoming un-bovvered and deep.

Buzz Cut played with the strap on his expensive looking camera. "Urm, well actually I was wondering if I could have picture of both of you?"

My head came up from where it had been looking at the Alex's hands as he lent on the table. A picture with me? Why? If I did let this guy take a picture of me, then knew that it would be on the internet in no time at all. Did I really want this sort of thing to happen already. I mean, Alex and I barely know each other for gods sake. I looked at Alex for some sort of instructions. He looked me straight in the eye and then made the smallest movement with his head. I recognised it as a nod. I made a 'fine' face. I just hoped that people would think I was just another Arctic Monkeys fan lucky enough to get a picture with Al.

I smiled an accepting smile at Jeremy. "Sure, whatever, make sure to get me on my good side though yeah?" I winked at him. He blushed and nodded.

He took his camera in his hands and aimed it at us. "You are fine where you are now actually."

We nodded in acceptance and waited. There was a couple of flashes, then he moved a bit more to the left, aiming his camera at a slight angle. There was another flash, I looked at Alex, to see that he was already looking at me. Suddenly it all became a bit too much. I burst out laughing, which made Alex's face crack into a smile I recognised. There was one last flash, which left lights dancing in my eyes. Jeremy came over to us again, a smile of gratitude on his face.

"Thank you so much. These pictures are going to be great." Alex nodded and sat back down on the stool he had vacated earlier.

"No problem Jeremy, I hope you get some good comments on them."

"Oh I'm sure I will. You are the most well known person I have photographed yet." Jeremy then looked at me and a puzzled look came over his face. "By the way, are you a model by any chance?"

I spluttered. "Are you serious? No, I am most certainly not a model." I snorted.

A look of surprise flashed across Jeremy's face. "Oh really? I just thought you were, you seem used to having pictures taken of you. You look very natural in the photo's."

I shook my head. "No, sorry to disappoint you."

He nodded his head, eyebrows raised. "Have you ever thought of being one?"

I frowned in remembrance. "Yeah actually, I was spotted when I was about 15, but, urm things happened and I was unable to even contemplate it. Plus, I have always had it in my head that if I was going to go into modeling, I would want to make something of myself, before I became a clothes hanger with a pretty face."

Jeremy chuckled and nodded in understanding. "Yeah I agree, there are so many nameless models out there. Anyway, thanks so much for the photo I really appreciate it."

"No problem hun."

Jeremy turned, and made his way into the large crowd. I stayed looking after him for a while, memories causing a bit of a whirlwind in my head.

"A clothes hanger with a pretty face?"

I turned back to the table and finished off my now extremely flat beer. I shrugged. "Just my opinion of most models. Of course some are pretty and clever enough to make something of themselves as models, but I have am neither, so it's not even an option for me."

He shook his head at me. "That's not true. You are a very good looking woman and I know for a fact you are clever enough to get where you want, when you want. The only thing I think you lack is the ability to be ruthless to others, and that would cost you in the modeling business. Believe me, I was a witness to it for a long time."

I shrugged again. "Well then, that pretty much settles it. Modeling is not for me." I got down from the stool and rummaged under the table for my jacket. I found it and slipped it on.

Rotating in the direction of the door, I looked over my shoulder at the still seated Alex.

"I'm gonna go out for a breather, it's quite stuffy in here, you wanna come?"

He nodded and got down from the stool. We pushed our way through the ever growing throng of people. It must be near midnight. I wondered where Jade was, probably still dancing with that dude. I was feeling rather melancholy after recalling memories of years before. From when I was about 15 to 18 I had been in a very bad relationship with someone who was much older than me. He had treated me extremely badly. He had used me and I had been too naive to see it. I was feeling shaky and small, the shoves from the crowd around me seemed to bruise my suddenly delicate frame. I just needed to get out. I would be fine once I was outside.

We finally made it to the door, Alex walked next to me as we made our way up the hall to the exit. I looked at him as he strode next to me with confident steps, head held high. I wanted some of that strength. I needed some of that strength right now. Reaching out my hand, I pulled Alex's arm up and over my shoulders, holding his hand in both of mine. I lent my head against his shoulder, we were perfect height for each other. I could almost feel his smile.

"You alright there love?"

"Mmmm." Was my only reply to him. He seemed content with that.

As we neared the door, I noticed another door, which had 'Balcony' inscribed across it's front. Tugging on Alex's arm, I directed him to it, and tried the handle to see if it was open. It swung towards us when I turned and pulled. Reluctantly I let Alex go, as we made our way up a dimly lit narrow staircase. When we finally reached the top, we burst through the door at the top onto what seemed to be a very neglected balcony. Considering the notice downstairs had been so fancy, I had expected more, maybe even a secret garden or something. There was bits of rubbish strewn across the floor, leaves skidded across in the slight breeze and a abandoned bin stood in the left corner. Lovely. I walked over to the concrete wall that went just about up to my chest and looked over the edge into the street below. We seemed to have climbed a lot further than I had previously thought. I felt an arm slide around my waist as I looked up at the sky.

"Hi." I said softly.

"Hey." Came the equally soft response.

Tonight was so clear I could almost see the stars though London's glow. Or maybe I was just imagining it because I missed them. Growing up in the country I had, had access to the night's masterpieces whenever I wanted, and now I wished I had taken more notice of them while I could. I will admit it freely, I missed it. I had moved away from home to Bristol when I was 16, and before then I had been away often, performing and working with the circus group I was with back then. I missed the cold windy days taking our dog, Shanti, out for a walk along our mile long track. I missed the fields and the woods, the gorge and Albi the horse in the secret field. I missed Mum's cooking, the chatter of all 8 of us round our big kitchen table. I missed my home and oh did it make my stomach ache. I sighed.

"What ya thinkin bout Sweat'eart?" Came his voice next to my ear. I shivered.

"Home. I miss it sometimes you know?"

"Yeah. I do know." He said dryly. I could have kicked myself. Of course he knew what it felt like. Thinking about it, where the hell was Alex's home. As far as I knew he didn't 'live' anywhere.

"Yeah, sorry, stupid question. Alex, where is your home, if you don't mind me asking?" I looked up at him, he was staring across at the 3 story building opposite us. He opened his mouth and then shut it again and looked at me.

"To be honest Rhea, I have no idea. I would say back in High Green, but that would be a lie. High Green was my childhood home, and I am no longer a child." He looked away, and took his arm away from me, I felt instantly colder. I watched as he fished a cigarette packet out of his jean pocket, plucked one out and put it to his lips. Next he drew a black lighter from out of his jacket pocket. Flicking the switch, a flame lit up, illuminating his face for a second, making him look like a phantom. He drew in a breath and let it out. It was so god damn sexy I almost gasped in horror. That shit was so not good for your emotional well being.

After he had taken another pull, he continued, smoke curling from his mouth as he talked.

"I s'pose you could say that Terminal 5 at Heathrow is as much my home as anywhere else. When we arrive back in England I definitely feel like I have returned."

"They say home is where the heart is." I said unhelpfully.

Alex nodded, still not looking at me. "That they do."

It seemed I stumbled across a sore spot for Alex. I really felt for him. He had basically been touring since he was 19 years old, never really having on place to stay for longer than a few months. Well, I heard that he and Alexa had a flat in New York, but with the amount he was away, I hazard a guess that he wasn't there much of the time. Now I was on the subject of touring, the band came into my mind, and then I realised something.

"Alex? Where the hell is Matt?" I jumped up on to the wall and sat facing Alex, my back to the drop down onto the street.

He chuckled. "Urm, well, apparently Brea had some problems and she needed Matt's help immediately. I don't know what it was, and I don't really want to know."

I laughed. "You serious. Matt ditched you because his girlfriend had some 'problems'? Oh, that's so funny." I giggled a bit more and then sobered up. Alex had finished his fag, and was leaning against the wall next to me. It was probably time to go back down and find Jade. Just as I was about to propose this to Alex, my phone, which I had shoved in my jacket pocket earlier, dinged. Fishing it out, I turned it on. **Jade:** _1 Message_ lit up the screen. Huh? I unlocked it and went straight onto my texts.

**Jade:** _'im heading off with this guy that i met, he's really nice. i saw you with alex and to be honest i think you guys should be on your own for now, i saw how he affects you, dont play with this one. im not really drunk, dont worry, i can get a cab and all that shite. love you getta kiss out of him for me yeah? xxx'_

I raised my eyebrows and opened and shut my mouth. So she had left me in a club I had never been to before, with a man I had only met once. I told you we were best friends right? Yeah well sometimes she scares me a bit, by how well she knows me.

"Is there a problem?" Alex asked.

I looked up at him and shook my head. "No, not really, it's just that my friend, who I was here with, has abandoned me for sex as well. What are the odds?"

He laughed at my incredulous expression. "Wow, we are really loved aren't we."

"We sure are." And I agreed completely. I think Matt and Jade knew exactly what they were doing when they decided to leave us to our own devices.

I sent a quick text back. _'i think you know me better than i know myself sometimes. see you later xxx'_

Now the question was what to do. Like I had pointed out to Alex on that night, leather jackets were not as warm as they were made out to be. I wanted to go somewhere and warm, somewhere quiet.

"Hey Al, do you wanna get a hot drink or something? I'm kinda full of the party scene now…"

Alex looked relieved. I think he too was feeling the chill and maybe something else, we both had a lot of shit that we kept stumbling upon.

"Yeah, actually, that sounds great. I saw a 24/7 diner or summat just down the street, d'you wanna go there?"

I nodded in agreement and jumped off the wall. I didn't realise how cold I had gotten sitting on the stone, but now my body was stiff and I wasn't sure if I actually had an arse anymore. I walked to the door that went off the balcony, it screeched in a way I hadn't noticed before. It's funny what we miss when we are so preoccupied by others.

When we got back into the club, the noise, smell of sweat and other unsavory things, made me feel heady and trapped. I pushed my way as fast as I could to our old table and grabbed my bag from underneath. I sent up a silent prayer of thanks. Alex had waited for me at the exit of the club, also seeming to not want to be in its clutches.

"This way." Alex pointed right up the street, and we started to walk. I shivered. Jeez, why didn't I just follow my own advice? It was frickin' December for gods sake, soon to be January. Thinking of that I took out my phone again and checked the time. It was 11:30pm on the dot. Soon to be the new year.

"Are you cold?"

"Yes." I could now see the diner, its lights looked warm and inviting. Just a few more yards to go and then hot chocolate and heat.

"You know, I were once informed by a very insistent young woman. that leather jackets aren't as warm as they are made out to be."

I rolled my eyes. "Hmm, well I do believe she was right and I will try and follow her advice."

He chuckled. "Good, because she's very clever you know."

I smiled and then bit my lip. I instantly regretted it, as I knew that now I had started I wouldn't stop, and I would wake up tomorrow with chapped lips. Great.

"You know you look quite cute when you bite your lip."

"Shut up Alex."

He laughed at my annoyed tone. "Ok."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

We had arrived at the little coffee shop which was named The Cup &amp; Saucer. Original, I liked it. Considering it was nearly midnight there was only a few people in the place, a old man and woman, and a black guy sitting sipping their drinks. I made my way to the counter where a lone woman, probably in her early sixties, sat reading the paper. She looked up, smiled and put down her paper as I neared her.

"What can I get you on this rather chilly night?" I smiled back at her, appreciating her open vibe.

I'll have a Hot Chocolate with all the extra's please and I have no idea what he's having." I indicated Alex.

The woman did a double take as she took in Alex for the first time. He smiled he charming smile.

"I'll have a coffee, black please, love."

Still smiling she turned to her till and tapped in our orders. "That'll be £6:50 please, my lovely."

I started to rummage in my bag for my purse, but Alex put his hand to my arm to stop me. I looked up, lips pursed.

"What?"

"I'll pay Darlin'"

"Fine." I moved to the side, as he got his wallet out of his pocket. Jesus Christ, I swear this guy had magic pockets. I half expected him to pull a frickin' guitar and pick next.

After Alex had paid, the lady said that we could go to a table and wait, she would bring them over soon. We did so and settled in on a table in the far corner, as far away from the door as possible. We craved heat to warm our chilled bodies. After we had sat down I looked over at Alex, grinning.

"So, it's 20 minutes until the new year, any new year's resolutions?"

He shook his head, and looked down at his clasped hands on the table top. "No. I gave up making them a long time ago."

I gasped. "Well you're no fun. Come on, let's at least do one each?"

Alex scrunched up his face. I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on Alex. It'll be fun."

He let out a big huff. Well wasn't he making much ado about nothing,it was only a New Year's resolution after all, you'd think I was asking him to climb Mount Everest or something.

"Fine."

"Good." I smirked. "I knew you would come around." He gave me a look.

"You have to do one too though ok?"

"Of course!" I made a 'duh' face.

He looked up at the ceiling, stretched his arms above his head and then cracked his knuckles. Like I said, much ado about nothing.

He rubbed his jaw and looked at me, I raised my eyebrows and my lips twitched. It was scary how much this man made me smile.

"Ok, got it." He said, a satisfied smile on his lips.

"And it is…?" I inquired.

"I am going to right a song about you."

I jerked back in my seat under Alex's watchful gaze. Well that was unexpected. What the hell was I supposed to say.

"Thank you? I think."

"No problem, it will be a genuine pleasure. Just one thing. If I am going to write about you I will need to see you more often." He seemed to chew the inside of his mouth, a habit I had noticed he had when he was nervous.

I chuckled and crossed my arms. "Why you sneaky bugger. I see what your doing here."

He shrugged and looked at the white plastic table.

I sobered and reached over, taking his clenched hands in mine. He wound his fingers through mine, making my tummy go a just a lil funny inside.

"Alex?"

He looked up.

"I would be honored if you would write a song about me. Even if the song is awful, which highly doubt, I will still listen to it and be grateful that someone bothered to at least try."

Before he could reply, we were interrupted by the lady, bringing over our drinks. She beamed at us each in turn as she placed them down in front of us. After she had done that she clasped her hands together and looked at us both.

"I would just like to say that you two seem like a lovely couple. It's such a delight to see young love."

Rather than correcting her and coursing her possibly embarrassment, decided to humor her.

"Thank you. These look like they are going to be delicious."

She nodded. "Yes, I took special care in making them, I always do with people I like."

I smiled at her gratefully. What a lovely woman.

She turned to Alex and lent forwards, as if she was about to tell him a secret. In a low voice she said. "I also want to say that I know who you are. My granddaughter loves your band very much, I paid for her to come and see you earlier in the Summer. So I was wondering if you could possibly sign something for her?"

A small smile played on Alex's lips. "Yes, of course I will. I am glad she enjoyed it."

The lady squeezed his shoulder gratefully. "Thank you so much, she will be over the moon. Let me just go and get a piece of paper and a pen." And with that she went over to the till, and picked up the stuff she needed. She was back in a flash, and passing the things to Alex. Alex quickly scribbled his signature and a message which I couldn't read as it was upside down. I was never very good at that sort of thing. When he had finished he passed it to the lady.

"Thank you so much. Just so you know, I won't tell anyone you are here, I promise, however I can't promise my Granddaughter won't put this up on the internet or something of that sort."

Alex nodded in understanding. "Don't worry, it's ok if you tell people I were here, just maybe wait until we have gone."

The lady flapped her hands in a reassuring motion. "Oh no, don't you worry love, your secret is safe with me." With that she turned back around and disappeared into the back of the coffee shop.

"Well then." I said eyeing my drink. "Now that's over and done with, down to business I think." I lent forward and licked a wadge of my cream off the top of my drink.

My toes curled in gratitude. It was so good.

"You have cream on your nose."

"I know. Do you like it? It's the new fashion."

"Very fetching Darlin'"

"Indeed."

I wiped it for with my finger and then licked it, Alex eyeing me the whole time.

We sat and drank for a while, and it has to be said that it was possibly the best Hot Chocolate I had ever had. I said this to Alex and he agreed that his Coffee was pretty fine.

After a while of playing with rim of his coffee mug Alex jerked his head up. "Wait a sec! You 'aven't said your resolution, and I bet you it's nearly midnight."

I groaned. I hadn't forgotten, I just had hoped he had. I had no idea how I was going to top his, it was pretty much up there with the greats.

"Urm, I actually have no idea what I should do." I pursed my lips in irritation, I was normally really good at them.

"Come on Darlin', you were pretty insistent on me doing one."

"I know that! I just can't think of one. Your one was so good, I can't think of one that is equal to it. It's very personal Alex."

"Well since I did one about you, maybe you could do one about me?" He spread his hands out in suggestion.

"Yep, that is a good point. The thing is, what do you want from me?"

He looked down at the puddle of lukewarm coffee at the bottom of his cup. He stirred it thoughtfully, then looked up, a peculiar smile on his face. "I want you to stay in touch with me. And I want you to not abandon me on anymore stations without at least giving me a proper goodbye."

My stomach clenched and whirled. It was like he could read my mind. What was this? I had barely known this man for more than a couple weeks and it's not like we had seen each other everyday. I closed my eyes against the unwelcome tears that wanted to form in my eyes. I was so scared that he could hurt me, god know's it was a well known fact that Alex wasn't exactly celibate between relationships, and even then there had been talk. And yet that was what the media said, and they can never be trusted.

Was I strong enough to make commitments like this? Did I trust myself not be stuck in another abusive relationship with someone who cheated, lied and hit me. Like I said, I hadn't been that lucky in love.

I opened my eyes to see Al gazing at me, his brown eyes alive with hidden emotions. He was looking slightly uncomfortable, playing with his hands nervously. He looked away after a while. How could I say no to him. We both knew perfectly well what he was asking me.

I reached across the table and took his hands in mine. They clutched onto mine, strong and sure. I turned them over and looked at them. They were not soft and smooth, on the fingertips calluses browned, a few tiny scars were dotted around, telling tales of childhood adventures, mistakes and dares. They were not hands of a gentle life, they were hands of a man who lived and loved, now they held onto mine like a lifeline, and who was I to deny them safety?

"Ok." I said quietly.

"Ok?"

"Yeah."

I let go of them and stood up, I reached under the table and got my bag from where I had put it earlier. I then held out my hand to him. "Come on, it's gonna be the count down soon."

He stood up and took my hand without any hesitance, fingers curled through mine. We both smiled in thanks to the lady behind the till, and she returned it. I opened the door, the December, soon to be January, night had no effect on me. I was warm inside and out, from the hand in mine. Alex curved his arm around my waist and I did the same around his, hooking my thumb in a vacant belt loop. With my other hand I got my phone out of my jacket pocket and checked the time, 11:59. There were a few people also milling around, presumably from the club as they were wearing the instructed attire. Many of them were staring upwards at the sky, presumably waiting for the fireworks that were sure to appear.

One man, leaning up against the wall of a house opposite, looked up and started to shout "_10...9...8...7"_

I raised my head and shouted with him, Alex joined me and together we shouted in the new year.

"_...3...2...1! Happy New Year!_" The shout seemed to bounce of the walls and into our hearts, happiness coursed through my veins. I looked at Alex, who was looking down at me, a small smile on is lips, the lights from the fireworks glistened in his hair. He lent forwards slowly, just as he was about to reach my lips, he turned his head slightly, and brushed his gently on the corner of my mouth.

"I know Rhea, slowly." I felt suddenly light headed, and I snuggled into Alex's neck, and breathed in his scent. Alex rested his head on mine, and together we watched the start of a new year.

_"...And I hope you're holding hands by new year's eve,_

_They made it far too easy to believe,_

_That true romance can't be achieved these days"_

**So guys, I am really happy with this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it and I hope you can tell! Let me know what you think and thank you for all your lovely review and comments, they truly make my day. **

**p.s Dub Mafia are an actual band and they are really good!**

Sav x


	7. Will You Fall With Me When I Trip?

**\- Will You Fall With Me When I Trip? - **

_"Yours is the only ocean that I want to swing from_

_Yours is the only ocean that I want to hang on"_

_-2nd January 2012-_

I awoke on my front, face towards my door, an unfamiliar scent tickled my nose, spice, smoke and just pure him. I slowly turned my head to see an empty space next to me. I reached over with my hand and tested the temperature of the sheets. The warmth from his body still clung to them like his smell. I rolled over and flopped my arm over my eyes, shielding them from the light.

After the fireworks had finished and no amount of hugging could stop us from freezing, I had suggested that we head back to mine. Now Alex had made it obvious that he knew how I felt, that I wanted us to take our time, I felt safer, less worried about what he might expect. We took the tube back, even though Alex wanted to get a cab, I refused, the streets were going to be so busy, it was sure to take hours. Somewhere along the journey back on the tube, I fell asleep, only to be awoken by Alex, his hands soft on my face. After we had shut the house door behind us, I had gone into the kitchen and prepared another hot drink for us and then headed up to bed, followed by Alex. When we had gone into my room, Alex had gone straight to my wardrobe and fetched the pajama trousers out with such familiarity that I run over and hugged him from behind. After that we had changed and got into bed, sipping our drinks and chatting about mundane things, like how I needed to go shopping tomorrow. When we had finished, we had simply put our drinks aside, snuggled up together and fallen asleep. It seemed coffee had no effect on Alex whatsoever, as he was asleep before I knew it.

Now I lay, trying to hold on to the stray wisps of sleep as they slipped away in the daylight. Alex had told me last night that on Monday, he and the band were heading off to Australia, to do a few gigs there, they all started on Alex's birthday no less. He said he didn't mind, he quite enjoyed doing a show on his birthday. A hollow feeling in my belly had made the smile fall off my face. I didn't want him to go. Ever.

There was a soft click, and my door inched open.

"I'm awake." I said, my arm still over my face, I could just about peek out from underneath it.

"Good mornin' Darlin'"

"Humph" Was my only reply, as I rolled over, hiding my face in my pillows. I didn't want the day to begin. I had stuff to do, places to be, people to see. Bugger.

"Made you some tea. You said you like one sugar right?"

I rolled back over and eyed Alex where he stood, looking gorgeous in his back t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I pulled myself up to rest my back on the headboard of my bed, "Thanks". I smiled at him.

He smiled back and sat down on the side of the bed, putting my cup of tea on the bedside table. Standing up again, he walked over to my curtains and pulled them back, revealing a glorious blue sky. I squinted in the light, my eyes stung, so I shut them

"Jesus Alex, you could at least have warned me." I said, keeping my eyes closed.

I felt the bed dip by my feet and then up beside me.

"I could 'ave warned you, but where would the fun be in that?"

I shook my head in what I hoped was his direction, "Well, I'm blaming you if I go blind.

I cracked my eyes open to see him grinning at me, his mug cradled in his hands. I glanced at his hair I saw it was in complete disarray, sticking up all over the place and falling just into his eyes. I flashed a pointed look at the cup of whatever he was drinking.

"I see you have well and truly made yourself at home."

He shrugged, careful not to spill his drink, "Well I thought I may as well."

"I'm glad you did." I took a sip of my tea.

"Me too."

I put my drink back on my bedside table and looked over, grinning at him, "My tea's perfect by the way, thank you."

"Good, I'm glad."

"Me too." I started to laugh and then I couldn't stop. I was so damned joyful all of a sudden. I missed having this sort of companionship with a guy. I missed just being with one, not having sex, flirting or giving each other the eye, just being.

"Wow, I am so bloody happy right now." I gasped out, after my laughter had subsided.

He raised his eyebrows, "Well, don't your moods change rather dramatically."

I nodded, "Uh Huh."

I stuck my finger in my tea, it was still too hot to fully enjoy. I snuggled back down under the blankets, pulling them up over my head. As an after thought I stuck my bare legs up, making a tent with them, the light shone through patches in the quilt. My legs were now on full display as all I had on was an old t-shirt of mine and a pair of knickers. There was a rustle from beside me, and Alex's body slid down next to me. After glancing at my legs, he too stuck his up, his trouser legs falling down to reveal strong calves.

Still looking at the light through the duvet I said, "Did you ever do this as a kid and pretend you were in another completely different world?"

"Yes." Came his soft reply.

I reached over to him and took his hand in mine. He gave it a small squeeze, and I returned it. After that, he just gently rubbed my hand with his thumb. I was content until I could bare it no longer.

"I am going to have to put my legs down. They've gone numb."

Alex groaned as we brought our legs down, the blanket collapsing all around us. Pushing the duvet aside I came up for air, and was once again momentarily blinded by the light. Not yet daylight, not yet, just let me stay in bed a little longer.

"I can't feel my legs." Alex moaned from beside me.

I chuckled, "Oh you will soon, I promise."

Sure enough, no more than about 10 seconds later, we were both lamenting in pain as the blood flowed back into our legs, filling them with pins and needles. I lay as still as I could, the slightest movement made the horrible feeling swell in my legs.

I slowly turned my head to Alex, "If you move, I will not be responsible for my actions."

Alex looked at me, and raised his eyebrows, "Oh, really…"

The smile dropped from my face, "Alex?"

And then I felt his leg against mine, feeling tingled in shock all up my leg. I yelped and tried to jump away, but more sharp tingles ran up my calf. Suddenly Alex disappeared under the blanket and grabbed my leg. I tried to wriggle away, but Alex had a firm grasp on my ankle, and then he started to tickle my feet. I screamed, half in laughing and half in annoyance, and then went crazy. I yanked my foot out of his grasp, and scuttled over to his side of bed that was near the wall, huddling in the the corner there, my legs screaming as blood rushed through them. I pulled my over sized t-shirt up and over my legs, hugging them to my chest. Alex emerged from the duvet, looking decidedly more disheveled than before. I scowled at him from across the bed. He sat up, pulling the duvet up and around his shoulders, like a huge white cloak, when he was done only his face was visible. I almost smiled, almost. He looked up at me, making his eyes huge, I felt like they were staring into my soul.

"I don't like being tickled." I stated, still giving him the evil eye.

"Does anybody?"

"Yes, just not me."

Slowly, still keeping my eye on him, I crawled over to the edge of my bed and yanked a shopping back from the floor beside it that I left there yesterday morning. Next, still on my bed, I lent over to the chair and rummaged in my bag, pulling a pen knife triumphantly from it's depths. I crawled back to my spot in the corner up against the wall with my findings, feeling Alex's eyes on me the whole time. When I positioned myself back comfortably, sitting with my legs bent to my side, I got a mango out of the plastic shopping bag. I had bought it yesterday and had forgotten to eat it. I held it and applied gentle pressure to it, the flesh just gave way, perfect. Unlocking my pen knife, I started to peel the mango of its red and green skin.

"You're rather peculiar Rhea."

"I know. You can have some if you want."

"Yeah please."

"If you say sorry." I said, still concentrating on peeling the mango, putting the skin in the now empty shopping bag.

He sighed, "I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "That's not good enough."

"I'm really sorry…?"

"Nope"

"Oh come on."

"I'm waiting." I said cocking my head to the side, looking at him from under my lashes.

He pushed his hair out of his face irritably, he must really want that mango, "Rhea, I am really sorry from the bott'm of my heart for ticklin' your feet. Please forgive me, babe?"

I jerked my head up and beamed at him, "Why yes of course I forgive you silly. Please come and share my mango."

He crossed his arms, letting the quilt fall down around his chest, "Well what if I don't want it anymore? What if you've put me off?"

I shrugged, cutting a sliver off the dripping yellow fruit, "I don't mind, I can just have it all to myself then, sharing can be such a bother sometimes."

I took a bite of the of the delicious moist flesh, flavour exploded on my tongue, I moaned in pleasure and closed my eyes, "Oh Alex it's so delicious, it's such a shame you don't want any."

I opened my eyes and peeked at him. He was staring at me, a look of disbelief on his face, his mouth hung ever so slightly open. I raised my eyebrows at him, "What? Sometimes words just won't suffice."

I took another bite, chewed and then swallowed. A smile crept onto my face and then I giggled. He smiled and got onto his hands and knees, pulling the blanket with him as he crawled towards me. He plonked himself beside me and held out his hand. I put a piece in it, making sure to touch his hand as I did so.

Looking ahead at my door he said, "Tell me somethin' about you, Love. Thinkin' about it, I barely know the small things."

I frowned, "Urm ok, if you're sure?"

"I am."

I took in a big breath and let it out. Where to start? "Well I was a festival baby, as in I was actually born in a birthing tent, at a festival. I was brought up in a old farm house on 70 acres of land in South/West Wales. My parents are called Bell and Julian, although everybody just calls him J. They named me Rhea Bella Hallam Lovelock, I got my Mother's surname because I was the girl, and I was 19 years old on September the 17th. "

I was interrupted by Alex, he had turned fully to face me, "Wait, wait, you're only 19? Are you fookin' serious?"

I gave him a challenging look, "Yes I am. Is that a problem?"

He relaxed, and lent back up against the wall, "No. No it doesn't matter. I jus' thought you were older. You certainly don't seem 19, you have the air of a person who has lived and seen a lot."

"Yeah, since I was about 14, people have thought I was much older."

He nodded thoughtfully, "I can see why. Anyway, carry on, it's interesting."

I laughed, "Really?"

"Yes" He said, as he reached over and took another slice of mango.

"Ok, well about a year and a half later they had my brother Kestrel, have I mentioned we were a hippie family?"

Alex grinned at me, "No you haven't, but I think it's great."

I shook my head at him, "Anyway, a year and a half later they split up and Mum got together with with my current step-dad John, who is as much a father to me as my real dad. John already had two kids with his previous partner, two girls called Fey and Dana, and to be quite honest Alex, I can't remember life before they became my sisters. Later on my other brother was born, Arthur, and then a few years later when I was 13, we got parental guardianship of one of our friends, Storm, as his Mother was unable to look after him anymore. He is a brother to me just as much as Art and Kes."

I turned my head against the wall and looked at Alex's incredulous expression, "Jesus Rhea, your family has like the craziest names."

I nodded and smile fondly, "You could say we are unique."

He smiled back at me, "You could say that." He looked out of the window at the still bright sky. "I can't imagine having that many siblings at such an early age. If ever I were to have had brothers, they would be Matt, Jamie and Nick."

"I think that's really quite lovely."

"Me too. Carry on"

I did as he asked, "As we were hippies, predictably me and my 5 siblings were all home educated from birth, and until I went to Bristol to CircoMedia, which is a big circus uni, I had never been in any sort of schooling environment. Saying that though, I did have a tutor from the age of 14, she was lovely, and taught me until I was 16 and I did my GCSE's. I took, English Language, English literature, Maths, Psychology and Child Development. I got A's in all of them, except for Maths and Psychology which I got B's in. As you can guess, I was pretty pleased with myself."

"I knew you were clever."

I shrugged, "I was good at what I did because my teacher was excellent, I loved what I was studying, well except Maths, and I did it at my own speed. Plus I had a goal to work towards, being a professional circus performer, and that always helps."

"Yeah, havin' a goal to work towards is always a good idea, it gets the fire lit."

"Exactly."

"So, basically I have been doing circus training since I was 13 and haven't stopped. And that's how I got these babies!" I held up my arms to the side and flexed my muscles. Some people found it a bit weird that a woman was so well muscled, but I loved them as they were evidence to me that I worked hard and that it was all very real.

Alex reached over and squeezed my arms playfully. He twisted his mouth to the side, "Very nice, but look at these bigguns!" He flexed his arms and my belly did a little wallop.

I turned my head away and sniffed, pushing the embarrassing feelings away, "Yeah, well you are a man after all, they have bigger upper body strength than women. Women are flexible, bet you can't do the splits."

Alex sighed, "No I can't do the splits, and I 'ave never tried cause one day I would like to be able to have children."

I snorted, "You have no idea how many times I have heard that excuse."

Alex shrugged, giving me a smile, "What can I say, men are quite alike in some area's."

"Indeed."

I looked away and rubbed my face with my hand and then ruffled my hair. I stood up and looked down at the still seated Alex, "Come on, we have things to do, people to see, places to go."

Alex scrunched his face up in annoyance, "Ugh, fook, must we?"

I turned around and jumped off my bed, landing rather gracefully if I say so myself. I twisted back to him and put my hands out in a 'whatever' gesture, "You can stay in bed if you want, but I'm hungry, I gotta hang my washing out and I need more food, I am like nearly completely out."

He jumped up, the duvet billowed and then fell behind him, hair flopped, "Fine, but can I 'ave a shower?"

I walked over to my wardrobe, "Yes, of course you can. There are two bathrooms, you can shower in my one just outside my room, there should be shampoo, towel and all that shit in there."

I had opened my wardrobe door and was now skimming the contents for something to wear. Making up my mind, I grabbed what I needed, then walked back to the door and opened it. Alex followed me through, holding his jeans in his hands. Before he went into the bathroom, I turned back around, remembering something.

Pushing my hair out of my eyes, I said, "Actually in my wardrobe at the bottom, I think there is a man's Strokes T-shirt if you wanna wear that. It was my brother's who is around the same size as you. Just if you wanna change out of that one?"

He smiled at me, "Yeah, thanks Darlin, I'll 'ave a look."

"Alrighty then." Giving him one last look, I turned around and headed down the landing, into the other bathroom near the top of the stairs. Unlike my one that Al was currently inhabiting, I could hear the shower being turned on, this bathroom was light and quite fancy. Sally had, had it renovated only about a month ago and it was in the latest fashion; modern but still with the old style. Right opposite the door a small window looked out onto our next door neighbor's garden, and if you strained your head to the left you could just about see the wooded shoreline of the Thames. I loved it.

I dropped my stuff on the light blue chair in there and turned on the shower that ran into a porcelain white bathtub that gleamed in the light. The droplets from the shower hit the glass guard on the side of the bath, casting a slight sheen across it. I pulled the over sized black t-shirt off my body, and then took off my black knickers, revealing my naked body. I held hands with myself and pushed my arms up above my head, crunches and clicks echoed through the room. My body wasn't exactly quiet in the morning. After I had stretched to my hearts content, I stepped into the shower, the water ran down through my hair and onto my body, making me gasp, it wasn't quite hot enough yet. It quickly warmed up though. I only took a small amount of time to enjoy the water and then reached for the my rose shampoo, pouring some in my hand, the showers spray falling down my marked back in rivers, relieving my strained muscles.

When I was done washing I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a fluffy white cloud off the radiator. After I had dried myself, I rolled my hair into the towel and stood up. Turning to the steamed up mirror, I rubbed it clean with my hand, my face appearing in the reflection, makeup from last night making dark smudges under my eyes. I sighed and wrapped my arms around my stomach, holding myself together. Again. I was sick of it. I was sick of being the only one who held me, the only one who caught me when I fell, the only one who was there to tell me it was alright. How I longed to fall and be caught in somebody elses love, in somebody elses adoring gaze, in somebody elses strong arms. I groaned silently at the emptiness that threatened to overwhelm me again. Not again Rhea, don't mess this up. Not again. Mentally shaking myself and shoving the abbis away, I swiped my new underwear off the chair, pulling them on in numb silence. I had chosen my sky blue lacy's for today, the colour brightened my mood gently. After I had finished, I rummaged in my overflowing wash bag and pulled out my moisturiser, deodorant and mascara, it was all I needed today. I washed my face of the left over smudges and applied the moisturiser and the other stuff. When I was done I pulled on my other clothes. I had chosen some woolen purple tights, black knee socks and some mini shorts. On my top half I had chosen a fitted black vest with two little buttons holding it together in the cleavage, it would do for now, I would grab one of my jumpers when we went out. After I had put on all my clothes, I shook my hair out and let it hang free, and then applied a few strokes of mascara.

Satisfied with the natural looking result, I picked up my stuff, opened the door and walked back to my room, my hair dripped down my back. I didn't mind. Hearing the shower still going, I went into my empty room and dropped all my stuff, except my towel, on the newly made bed. I smiled, Alex seemed to have a domestic streak in him after all. Still holding my towel, I closed the door gently behind me, and walked onto the landing, putting the towel to dry on the railings. I then skipped down stairs. My dark mood had past like a grey rain cloud and now I felt lighter, like the sun shining through the window in my front door. When I got to the kitchen, I got the wash basket and pulled my washing out that I had washed yesterday morning, from the machine. I started to hang it out on the dryer in the back room, just outside of the of the kitchen, and then started to sing.

_"...but darlin' you are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception.."_

I trailed off into humming the tune as I put the last piece of clothing on the wooden hanger.

"You have a lovely voice." He said from behind me.

I looked over my shoulder to where he stood, leaning up against the wall, hands in his pockets, my black and white Strokes t-shirt on his body. His wet hair hung roughly down into his lashes, dark eyes stared at me from underneath the wet black strands.

I turned round fully, going to him and taking his hands in mine. I brought them up to my mouth,

"As do you." I said quietly, my lips brushing against his fingers.

I let his hands fall back down to his sides and walked back into the kitchen, with the wash basket. Putting the basket back where it belonged, I learnt up against the counter. I glanced over my shoulder at Alex who had sat on the side of the counter at my side.

"What do you want for my birthday?"

"Surprise me."

"I'm not very good at surprises."

"Rhea, you surprise me all the time."

I looked at him straight in the eye, "That's different and you know it."

He shrugged, "Not really. I'm sure you will work somethin' out."

I raised my eyebrows, "Oh I will, will I?"

He smiled a cocky smile at me, "Yeah."

I grinned at him, "Yeah, you're right, I will work something out."

I clapped my hands together and put them on my hips, "Right then! What do you want to eat?"

"Well what is there?"

"Hardly anything." I pursed my lips in annoyance, I normally had plenty of food. I walked over to the bread bin, lifting the lid of the metal tub, I peered in and picked up a bread bag that was at the bottom, I looked inside to find two slices, both crusts, moldering at the bottom. Ew. Next I looked in the fridge to find nothing edible, but half a tub of Nutella and some spaghetti from the other day.

I stood up and shut the door, turning to look at Al, who was suppressing a smile, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. I crossed my arms in imitation of him and leant back against the counter.

"So today for breakfast we have two apples, some old spaghetti, moldering bread and half a put of Nutella. What would you like?"

Alex could suppress his laughter no more. He leant down and put his hands on his knees, back shaking with laughs.

"When you quite finished." I said in a false irritated voice, I was nearly laughing too.

He looked back up, still grinning, I gave in and smiled back.

"I dunno know Rhea, I always thought you were one of those people, whose houses are stocked with food."

I huffed and turned back around to the fridge, getting the Nutella out of it, and then shutting it, "Well actually I usually do, in fact I am well known for it, but I have been busy….and distracted."

I walked back over to the table, getting a knife out of a draw as I did so. I sat down and started to slice to the two apples up. Alex came and sat next to me with a butter knife and a plate. Without asking me he picked up the pieces of apple and started to spread the Nutella on them in thick swipes, then placing them on the plate. I smiled at him.

"It seems you can read my mind," I said, cutting up the last half of an apple.

He shrugged, "Well they do say that great minds think alike."

I nodded, putting the knife aside, "Indeed they do."

"Oh shit!" I put my hands to my face, "Our tea!"

A surprised expression made its way onto Alex's face, "Oh yeah…"

I jumped up and jogged towards the door of the kitchen, "Wait, wait, I'll go and get them now."

When I arrived at my room, I carefully picked up the still gently steaming tea, thank god, and was just about to go back downstairs, when my phone began to ring. Putting down my mug I picked up my phone and disconnected it from it's charger.** 'Jade'** flashed across the screen, accompanied by a very flattering picture of Jade, her two middle fingers held up in a V across her face. I swiped across the screen to answer the call.

_"Rhea? Rhea?"_

I picked up my mug, wedging the phone between my shoulder and ear, and turned to go back downstairs, "Yeah?"

_"Rhea have you seen? Have you seen the photo's? They are so lovely, especially the one of you two laughing."_

I frowned as I got to the top of the stairs, I started to descend, careful not to spill the drinks, "What do you mean? What pictures?"

_"Are you serious? You haven't seen them? They're like, everywhere"_

I got to the bottom of the stairs, wobbled a bit on the last step and tea slopped over the top, landing on the hall carpet. Shit, "Haven't seen what Jade? I don't understand."

I heard her sigh down the line, _"Ok, so this morning I went online to have a sift through Tumblr, as I had a spare few minutes, and there I was having a jolly time watching a gif of a mouse on a tightrope, when what should appear, but your face. Accompanied by a very good looking man. Oh wait. It was Alex. Basically the whole 'fandom' is freaking out cos there are like 3 pictures of you like three different places."_

I stopped her there, "Whoa, whoa, stop there Jade, stop a minute. There is more photos than the one photo of us in the club?"

_"Yeah."_

I had made it into the kitchen where Alex was typing on his phone, a worried expression on his face. He looked up, questions in his eyes. I waved them away before he could ask.

"What photo's, where?"

_"Urm well, I am looking at them now, there is one of you guys at a table or something, looks like you were having a hot drink and then there is this really quite lovely one of you too hugging, looking up at the sky. It really is a cute photo. And then there is also one of you guys in the club from last night, like just laughing together, its so sweet, it's almost giving me toothache"_

I sat down on the armchair with a thump in shock. Ok, so I had expected the photo of us at the club to make it online, expecting it to pass as a photo of Alex with another fan. But the other photo's? What the hell? Was I so wrapped up in him that I didn't even notice someone take a frickin' picture of us?

_"Rhea? You still there hun?"_

"Yeah…" I said quietly, sinking back into the armchair, vaguely aware of Alex looking at me worriedly.

_"Rhea, I just wanna say that I know you are going to have a look at these pictures, but urm before you do, I just want to warn you, that, urm, some of the comments aren't exactly, er, supportive."_

"I wouldn't expect anything less" I had seen what disgusting judgmental comments people put on the internet.

I rubbed my hand across my face, having put the mugs of tea on the counter next to Alex. To be honest I hadn't expected us to be secret for that long, as god knows the paparazzi follow him around like a disease, but a part of me had hoped. A part of me had hoped that we would have time to ourselves to workout what we are, before other people started telling us what we were. I sighed and looked across at Alex, my phone tucked between my shoulder and ear. He raised his eyebrows at me.

_"Is Alex with you by any chance?"_

"Yeah…Why?"

_"Can I just talk to him for a minute?"_

I frowned in confusion, what the hell did Jade want with Alex? "Er, yeah sure, hang on a sec."

I leant across to Alex, passing my phone to him, he took it, no questions asked.

I shrugged at him, "My friend wants to talk to you, her name is Jade."

He pressed my Samsung to his ear, "Urm, hey, Jade."

I got back up and picked up my cup of tea, I went to the french doors, opening them and stepping outside into the cold sun. From Jade's serious voice I had guessed she wanted to have a private word with Alex. I wrapped my hands around my blue mug, trying to suck as much warmth out of it as I could. I stayed there for a few minutes sipping my tea, and trying not to think about what was happening all around me. I was quite good at it by now. A hand slipped onto my bare shoulder, goosebumps dotted my skin. Alex hung his arms over my shoulders, resting his head on my my left one.

"You ok?"

"Yeah." I sighed, "I just wish it could have waited."

"I know. Matt texted me about them. At least they are good pictures" After a second he added, "Wanna eat our chocolate apples now?"

"Sure." I would look at the pictures later. I pulled away from him and turned round to go back into the kitchen, not quite managing to meet his gaze.

After that we sat and ate our apples and Nutella for a while, occasionally sipping our tea, lost in our own thoughts.

After we had finished and I had drained the last of my tea, I stood up and headed over to the sink with our dirty dishes and knives. Alex followed suit with our cups.

I started the tap, and rinsed our plate, "So here's the deal, I have an appointment today with my Osteopath as my back has been playing up again. Also, I need to get my shopping done, clean up and do some studying. What do you want to do?"

"Well, I have nothing planned until Monday mornin', when we're catchin' the flight."

I looked up at him, hope filled me up to the brim, "You can stay here another night of you want. It would be nice to have company."

"Well if you insist."

I gave him shove with my shoulder. He pushed me back, I giggled and he laughed. Maybe it was gonna be alright after all.

_"I don't know what it is that they want_  
_But I haven't got it to give_  
_She hasn't got it to give"_

**So yeah I know it's rather short, but I just wanted to get this chapter done and out of the way for various reasons. Also with this one I really felt like you guys should know more about Rhea, hence quite a bit about her. Anyway hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, lemme know what you think! Sav x**

**P.s. I want to say THANK YOU for your truly wonderful reviews they mean so much you can't even imagine. They turned such a shit day into a good one the other day xx**


	8. Wounds So Deep, Their Still Bleeding

**-Wounds So Deep, Their Still Bleeding-**

_"My heart was breaking and got left unlocked,_

_Didn't see you sneak in but I'm glad you stopped"_

_-2nd January 2012-_

_"Ow, fook, what the bloody hell is that."_

I ran from my room and leant over the railing, "_Al, you ok?_" I shouted down to where the cry of pain had come from.

"_Yeah, jus' a fookin' dog toy. I stood on it, it's bloody spiky._"

I snorted, and tried not to laugh.

Alex came into the hall and looked up at me where I was hanging over the rails, "Y'know, I can hear you laughin'"

I bit my lip to stop more laughter from spilling over them, "Sorry, I thought you had really hurt yourself."

He scowled up at me, "I did really hurt m'self. Have you seen that thing?"

"Aw, diddums, did your little footsie get hurt? Does it need a kiss better?"

He crossed his arms, still looking up at me, "Well you kissin' my feet would be sight to see."

I got back up, and turned to go back into my room, "In your dreams mate, in your dreams."

His laugh floated up to me from the hallway, making a smile pull at my lips. I got back to my room and proceeded to do what I was doing before Alex's interruption. Sitting back down at my dressing table, I continued with putting a couple of slides into my hair. I couldn't be arsed to brush it today and it was in a wild mood, so what better than to slide my bangs out of my face with a couple pins. Satisfied with the end result, I got up and picked up my blue holey jumper from my bed, slipping it over my head, careful not to catch it on the slides. Next I grabbed my leather jacket off my bed and slid it on, going over to my wardrobe door I unhooked a dark purple scarf from a silver hook and wound it round my neck.

"You ready?" I shouted as I made my way down stairs. When I got to the bottom, I took my bag off the hall chair and leaned down to check inside for all my stuff. We were making our way out for the day, and knowing me I was going to forget something.

"Yep" Came a muffled voice from above me. I looked up to see Alex munching on a banana. I stood up and put my hands on my hips, "Where did you get that from?"

He swallowed, and pointed to the kitchen with his shoulder, "From the fruit bowl."

I frowned, what the hell? I had so not seen it at all. Magic. "Well give us some." I said, and leant forwards taking a bite off the banana. I shrugged at Alex, "Sharing is caring right?"

He scowled playfully at me, "I s'pose so."

I turned back around to the seat and pulled my Doc Martens on, 'robboning' them up as quickly as I could, I had a appointment to get to. While I was doing my left boot, I said, "So what are your plans while I'm having my appointment?"

He leant up against the bannister, watching as I did up the last laces, "Well, I thought I might jus' nip back to mine and grab a change of clothes. How long is the appointment?"

I stood up and went over to the alarm, putting in the code to say that we were leaving, Sally did like her security. "Urm, well it kinda depends how bad my back is really, it could be anything from an hour, to thirty minutes."

Unlocking the door, I pulled it open to a gush of London smells. Lovely.

I felt Alex's hand on the small of my back, guiding me out of the door gently, "Well how about we swop numbers and you can text me when you're done, then we can go an' get your shoppin' done?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." I pulled the door shut behind me, locking the two locks swiftly. Alex dropped his arm over my shoulders as I walked and got my phone out of my bag. Going onto contacts, I looked up at Alex expectantly, "And your number is…?"

He rattled off the digits with such precise certainty that I guessed he was one of those people that knew their card number off by heart. I typed in his number, now what to call him? Smirking quietly I typed in 3 words; **Alex Band Guy**. There, perfect. Next I hit call and a vibrating sound came from Alex's pocket. He took it out, and swiped answer.

He put it to his ear, "Hello?"

I put mine to my ear to, the static from the phones being so close together cut through my eardrum, "Idiot, I'm just giving you my number"

Taking my phone away from my ear, before I had permanent damage, I ended to the call.

He gave me a funny look, slipping his phone back into his pocket. We walked for a while in silence, the only interruption was Alex throwing the banana skin into a bush, I decided not to say anything about it, they did rot after all.

"Why do you have a dog toy on your kitchen floor?"

I rolled my eyes in his direction, "Because I have a dog."

"Since when do you have a dog?"

"I don't, well, it's not mine persay, it's Sally's."

"I haven't seen it anywhere."

"She's staying at one of Sally's friend's houses as I don't have the time to look after her."

A leaf swirled down in front of us, quickly I reached out my hand and caught it from the air, careful not to crush it. I showed it to Alex, "Make a wish."

We slowed down our pace and he closed his eyes, a slight dent appeared between his eyebrows. My eyes moved across his face and picked up a tiny scar, just under his right eyebrow. Unbidden, my hand came up and I gently touched it, holding my breath. His eyes opened slowly, as if coming out of a dream, we had stopped completely now. My fingers fell away from his eye and skimmed down onto his cheek. My fingertips tingled, I gulped and looked away, away from Alex's eyes. Tugging on his hand, I let the leaf fall, twirling softly, onto the pavement. Our feet started to move again and the world seemed to come back to life, as if time had stopped just for Alex's wish.

"What did you wish for?"

"I'm not goin' to tell you."

"Good, or else it won't come true."

"I'm not sure it will come true even if I don't tell you." He said, his voice sounding hollow.

My stomach squirmed, and my hand tightened around his.

We made it to Camden in record time, and came out of the tube station into blinding sunshine that did nothing to heat up the day. We stopped on the top of the stairs, moving aside to let others pass.

"So text me when you're done yeah?" Alex said.

"Yeah sure thing, and then later we can go and get some food, I know this really lovely cafe just up the street there." I pointed in the general direction of the said place. "It's pretty cheap as well, but really nice food."

"A'right, Love, I'll see you later."

Before I could stop myself I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a small squeeze, which he returned, face in my neck. I let go and turned towards my destination, casting a last smile over my shoulder at where Alex stood, just watching. He gave a wink and twisted to the road to hail a cab. I smiled and shook my head, he had a thing for cabs, if it wasn't for me we would have got a cab this morning.

I got to my Osteopaths place with two minutes to spare, waving slightly at the secretary, I bounded up the stairs to his room. I gave the white door a push, it had Roger Atkinson across it in a simple font. I had been seeing Roger ever since I was 14, and he knew more about me than I cared to admit. Not only did he take care of my body, but also my emotional being. He was always there to talk to if I needed, and I suppose thats why I never got a councillor, I didn't need one, I had Roger.

As I made my way into the room, Roger turned from where he was bending over his desk, scribbling on a piece of paper. He looked up and smiled, his deep set laughter lines creasing up.

"Ah, Rhea, on time for a change are we?"

I dumped my bag on the floor next to the small bed to which I was to lie on, "What can I say, I had good morning."

He nodded, smiling at me, "I thought so, your glowing Rhea."

I shrugged, and sat on the bed, laying back, I gazed up at the plain white ceiling.

"Hmm." He came over to me, looking down at my face, "So how has your back been?"

The treatment went well, Roger reminding me again to remember to do my stretches, and listening to me as I rambled on about what I had been upto. I didn't say anything about Alex though. Alex was my secret for a while, and I felt like I wanted to have him to myself for as long as I could, before I would have to start answering questions. The appointment had been quicker than I had thought and I was done in just over half an hour, I had said to Alex on the tube to give it an hour. I waved again at the secretary as I made my way out of the door, she gave me a funny look as I walked out, glancing at her phone then back at me. Huh? I shoved it from my mind and decided to pay a visit to my favorite shop in Camden. It was filled with all sorts of things, some obscenely expensive, and yet you could normally get it down to a reasonable price if you knew what to say. I walked that way, a skip in my step, my body relaxed and free. As it was at least a good 10 minute walk, I pulled out my phone and ear buds, putting them in my ears and putting my phone on shuffle. And what should come on my, but Choo Choo, Arctic Monkeys, well I never. It was one of my favorite songs, so simple, yet so full of life. I walked along to the beat, watching as the people moved around me, so close yet so far away, in their own worlds. I loved London, I really did, there were so many different characters, different styles. Saying that, London had lost a lot of charm for me a while back, however sometimes a small thing would bring back its sparkle.

I made it to the shop in perfect timing as All of My Loving finished. I pulled my ear buds out of my ear, shoving them in my bag with one hand as I pushed open the door with the other. A bell tinkled as I walked into the shadowed shop. It was like tardis, from the outside it looked like a small thing, but as soon as you went in the walls went up and the room stretched out before you, filled with many wonders of forgotten stuff. There were a few other people milling around in the far corner. Now to actually do what I had came to do, look for Al's present. I had seen it the other day when I was here, and now I had come to claim it. I walked over towards the right corner of the shop, past a antique wardrobe, a pile of fur coats of all sorts of shades and mutable lamps. Next to a rather ornate white and gold lamp, there was a table overflowing with bits and bobs, necklaces, rings, earrings, glasses and there, under a silk shawl, hid a notebook. I walked over, and gently removed the shawl, laying it to the side over a fake diamond necklace. Picking it up, I blew the dust motes that had landed on it off the cover, they danced in the air. It was a simple thing, pure leather, with a single string which wound around it to keep it all together. It was about 6 inches tall and 4 across, not too big, not too small. Next to it in a open box was a pen. A very special and beautiful pen in my opinion. It was made from a dark wood, small, and with a small gold band around where the lid of it met the rest of the pen. The colour of it reminded me of Alex's eyes. I picked up both of them and made my way to the counter where a young woman sat, flicking through her phone. She looked up as I approached and gave me a once over, before putting down her phone and turning fully towards me.

I smiled at her, putting what I had chosen on the old marked desk that served as a counter, "I'll have these please."

She picked them up and gazed at them, "Hmm, real leather, nothing inside it, marked a bit on the corner, but not too bad." She put it back down and picked up the pen, giving it a quick look and then replacing it in its case. "That'll be £23.50p please."

I sighed in relief and surprise at the price. I had expected it to be a lot more. I pulled out a £20 note and some coins, placing them in the woman's hand's.

She dropped them into the open cash register and looked back up at me, "Would you like them wrapped?"

"Yes please." It saved me from doing much, I knew for a fact that this place wrapped the stuff in lovely rich black paper. After the woman was done I thanked her and placed his presents gently in my bag. I smiled with pleasure as I walked back out of the shop, I hoped he liked it. Last night, as we had laid in bed he had expressed his despair at not being able to find a suitable writing pad for himself. He had said that ever since his brown one with the fox on had been stolen he had never been able to find one that he really liked, hopefully this one would replace what had been taken. Ever since that first morning, after he had said how he wanted a new beginning, a new muse, I had been pondering over how I could help him with this. Now I had got him this pad I hoped that he would be able to see it as a new beginning, a fresh start. And as for the muse, well now he had me, he did say he was going to write a song about me after all. I smirked with delight as this rather selfish thought.

As I made my way down a street in the direction of the little cafe I had mentioned earlier, my phone went off. _Alex Band Guy:1 Message_ lit up the screen. I swiped across, still walking, keeping one eye on the pavement ahead of me and the other on my phone.

**Alex Band Guy** '_Are you done yet?'_

_'And hello to you too. Yes I am done, meet you back at the tube?'_

I carried on with my phone in my hand, only a few seconds later did I get a answer.

**Alex Band Guy** _'Sorry, lets try that again. Hi Rhea, cool, see you in a minute.'_

_'That's better :) See you in a min.'_

I put my phone back in my bag and kept going. My stomach rumbled, and I suddenly realised how hungry I was. I'm not one of those women who eat hardly anything, my body was used to big meals, with a healthy amount of snacks in between. With the amount of energy I burned up 5 days a week, having only a small breakfast was making my tummy have a emotional breakdown. I took my half a litre bottle of water out of my back, hoping to sate my belly's insistent shouting. As I neared the entrance to the train station I saw a small group of people gathered around something, or perhaps someone. I quickened my step, but slowed again, when I realised that a small group of four young women were gathered around Alex. One of them, a small blonde with red lipstick on, had her arm around Alex's waist, and was holding up her phone towards their faces. After she had finished she gave Alex a small sweet smile and then moved aside as a tall dark hair girl jumped forward and seemed to latch on to Alex with all the force of a leech. She gave him a smile, looking at him from under her lashes. Without seeming to ask she held up her phone and put her lips to Alex's cheek. In a way I could understand her urgency as Alex had changed and was looking particularly gorgeous in a big black over coat, his hair ungelled but obviously brushed and some blue, loosely fitted jeans.

I was now almost at the group, one of the four girls glanced at me and then did a double take. She nudged her friend next to her, who looked up, her eye's widening. I gave them a smile and a little wave.

"Hi." I said quietly, I wasn't really sure what to do. I noticed now the looks the group of us were getting from passers by, some had even stopped and were taking pictures. Great. The girl said hi back, then looked back at Alex. Lovely.

Alex looked up at this point, a look of frustration in his eyes. When he saw me relief flashed across his face and then was gone as quickly as it had appeared. He prised the brown haired girl off him, who seemed bent on getting as much pictures as was humanly possible. Making a decision I pushed past the two girl in front of me with a 'Excuse me' and made my way to Alex's side. As soon as I was near enough, he slipped his arm around my waist, giving my hip a small squeeze.

"It was great to meet you girls, but I gotta go now." He turned to go, but stopped when one of the girls, a young looking teenager, made a protesting noise.

"Please Alex, can I just have your autograph?" Her eyes were huge as she looked at him, a pen and paper clutched in her hands. His shoulders slumped in resignation, and he let go of me, reaching out his hands for the pen and paper. As quick as he could he scribbled his signature on the paper and then handed it back, giving the shaking girl a warm smile.

Her face went bright red, "Thank you, I really love your band."

Alex chuckled, "As do I."

Through the whole exchange I could feel the other girls eye's on me, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see the brown haired girl had her phone out, pointing straight at me where I stood at Alex's side.

Alex's arm slid back around my waist, pulling me gently in the direction of the cafe I had pointed out earlier. He waved at them, I also put my hand up in what I hoped was a wave, but I wasn't very sure, my mind was whirling. Our feet quickened as we made our way up the road to the corner to the street that the cafe was on.

"Well then, that was interesting." I said, after the silence had gone on too long.

"Sorry about that Love." He said, his voice soft and far away.

I looked up at him, and then put my head on his shoulder, holding him closer, "Don't apologize, it comes with the territory after all." As an after thought I added, "I'm sure I'll get used to it."

He looked down at me out of the corner of his eye, "Plannin' on stickin' around then are you?"

I nodded, "Yeah, if that's alright."

"That's very alright, Darlin'"

My phone dinged, I reached for it in my bag.

Jade: 'more of them coming up, look recent, you out in Camden by any chance?'

My mouth dropped open. Jesus fucking christ, that happened fast. We had barely been gone a minute and already the pictures were up.

I texted back, 'Fucking hell, they travel fast, that was like 2 minute ago!'

"Who is it?"

Still looking down at my phone, I tapped on Instagram, typing in #alexturner, "It was Jade. The pictures are already up." He didn't answer.

I gasped as the results to my search came up, among-st the old pictures of Alex and the rest of the band, pictures of us only to minute ago, appeared. I tapped on one, the heading read, 'NEW PICTURES OF ALEX. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GIRL?!'. The picture wasn't very good quality, but it was good enough to show me frowning looking to the right, while Alex gazed down at me. Jade: 1 Message flashed on the top of my screen.

Jade 'well what did you expect, your hanging out with elite now Rhea x'

The elite indeed. 'I don't know what I expected, just not this x' I typed back.

I dropped my phone back in my pocket as we had come to the cafe door. Alex pulled away from me, pushing the door open, and then stepping aside to let me in. I gave him a small smile of gratitude.

It was small old fashioned Italian cafe sort of place, long and narrow it stretched downwards like a long hall, tables lined the wall, a fair few people accompanied them, but didn't look up as we came in. Thank god. About halfway down the room there was a small staircase upwards to a small balcony type place with a few more tables placed around the floor. I indicated that we should go up there, and stepped towards the stairs leading up. When we had walked up, I made my way to a small table for two near a little window that looked out over the street below us. Alex smiled at my choice of seating. We sat, and I dropped my bag gently at my feet, before putting both elbows on the table, leaning my chin in my hands.

"They have the most amazing pizza's here. They are the perfect size as well, and...", I widened my eyes, "...they have the best salads, none of that floppy leafy crap you get in most places these days."

He smirked at me, "I see you get excited by food."

I put on my most serious face and sat up straight, "Alex, apart from performing, food is the only thing that sustains my body, mind and soul."

His face cracked into a adorable smile, his dark eyes lighting up. I smiled back, and looked away, slightly embarrassed under his gaze.

"Hi guys, what can I get you?" I looked up to see my favorite waiter, standing over us, giving me a warm smile. James was a tall bloke with a shock of bleached blonde hair that was cut roughly just above his ears, in his nose was two small black nose studs on either side, mascara blackened his eyelashes. James was gay, and a extremely proud one at that, I loved him, a lot.

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his thin waist, giving him a hard squeeze which he returned with equal strength. I stood back and gazed up at him, a big smile stretching my cheeks, "Jesus J, where the hell have you been?"

He waved his arms around in the general direction of everywhere, "Oh you know, around, seeing people, living." He looked down and blushed, "Spending time with my new boyfriend."

I brought my hands to my cheeks, my eyes wide, "Oh my god. Please tell me it's Louis, please say you guys finally stopped pretending not to notice each other."

He nodded shyly, playing with the pen and notepad he held in his dainty hands. I smiled gently at him, and gave him another hug. Putting my hands on my hips triumphantly, I said, "I really shouldn't say this but, I told you so."

He looked at me fondly and bit his lip, "Yes Rhea, you did and I should have listened to you."

I pretended to dust myself off, smiling in satisfaction, "Well what can I say, I'm pretty good at matching people together."

He raised his eyebrows at me, imitating my earlier pose, hands on hips, "And what about you missy? Don't think I haven't noticed the rather gorgeous man behind you."

I whirled back around to Alex, "Oh sorry hun, Alex this is J, we met the first day I moved up here."

J put his arms on my shoulder giving me an endearing smile, "I practically raised her. Poor thing. Didn't know how to function in big ol London town, did you sweetheart?"

I shook my head sarcastically, if that's even possible, "Nope not at all. I was totally in need of his 'expertise', living in Bristol for over 2 years hadn't prepared me at all."

I rolled my eyes at him and sat back down, "Anyway, are you gonna do your job who what? I'm bloody starving."

"Yes I am. I was just being sociable, not that you would know anything about being sociable." He cocked his head to the side, giving me and inquiring look. My smile faltered, but I managed to keep it on my face. I gave my head the tiniest shake, not now, not here, not with Alex present.

Understanding my message, he turned to Alex, a charming smile lighting up his pale face, "So what will it be Alex of the Arctic Monkeys" He gave him a wink, "Don't think I didn't recognise you."

Alex smirked and held out his hand, which J took eagerly, "Nice to meet you J."

J let go of his hand, "Nice to meet you too man."

I watched them happily, they seemed to be getting on great. You could say I have quite a crazy bunch of friends, I didn't stick with a particular style if you know what I mean.

I poked J in the side, my stomach now seemed to be having a seizure I was so hungry, "Oi, I'll have my usual please."

"Alright, alright." He noted it down on his pad, "You not eaten or something"

I groaned, "Oh J, you have no idea what I have been through this morning. All I've had is an apple, an apple J."

"Actually that's not true, you've ha-" Alex voice cut in, laughter en-laced with his rich voice.

I interrupted him, my finger pointed in his direction, keeping my eyes on J, "Shut up you, I'm trying my best to get us more food here."

J's face turned serious, although there was a playful gleam in his eye, "Well then, this is a serious matter, I will tell the cooks to make haste, as my lady here might just expire."

I put my hands together in a praying motion, "Thank you good sir, your services will be rewarded with riches beyond belief. I swear it upon this knife right here on this table." I indicated the small butter knife on my left.

J shook his head, "Always the drama queen."

I sat up straight, outraged, "Urm, look who's talking."

J shook his head at me again, and then turned to a grinning Alex, "And for the third time, what can I get you?"

Alex nodded his head in my direction, "I'll 'ave what she's havin', whatever that may be."

I raised my eyebrows at him, "Well you better have a sweet spot for some spice, my friend."

"I think I can deal with it." He answered, giving me a challenging look.

I shrugged, "We'll see."

"Alrighty then, I'll be off and leave you two to your own devices."

I did a 'shooing' motion in J's direction, "Be gone slave."

With a 'huph' J whirled around and made his way back downstairs to the kitchens.

I glanced at Alex, who was leaning back in his chair arms crossed, gazing at me.

I shrugged, slipping off my jacket and scarf, "What can I say? We have a peculiar relationship."

"Yeah I thought I picked that up." He said, pulling off his over coat, to reveal a blue V necked sweater.

I gave an approving nod, "Very nice."

He stroked across his chest, "Why thank you, I have had this for a while and it has never let me down." He lifted up the hem at the bottom to expose my Strokes t-shirt underneath.

I smirked at me, "Couldn't part with it I see?"

"Well it was warm wasn't it? And it wasn't exactly warm in my hotel room when I changed, Matt had left the window for some fookin' reason."

I chuckled and poured myself a glass of water from the jug that was situated in the centre of the table, I offered some to Alex and he passed his glass to me to fill. I did so carefully, twisting the neck of the jug, so that the water didn't drip onto the table.

Just as I place the jug back, my phone began to ring. I delved into the depths of my bag, aka the sack, and pulled it out to see '**Clare**' emblazoned across the screen. I gave an apologetic look at Alex and swiped across to answer, putting the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

_"Hey Rhea, can you please help me?"_

"Urm, yeah, maybe, I'm not sure, what's the problem?"

_"Bobbie is being a right little miss and is having a tantrum. She was refusing to get into her car seat, the only way I managed to get her in was to say that I would phone you up and she could talk to you."_

Bobbie was my 6 year old step-sister, and you could say that she had quit a temper on her. My poor step-mum, Clare, was at a loss at what to do a lot of the time. Bobbie absolutely adored me, probably because I spoiled her rotten whenever I saw her, which wasn't often. It saddened me that I wasn't there to see my younger siblings grow up, I also had a baby brother, Zeb, who was on the verge of turning 4, and I tried to talk to them as much as I could.

"Yeah, sure put her on, I actually have company at the moment, and we are waiting for our food, but I have a little while to talk to her."

_"Oh are you with Jade?"_

I smiled at Alex who was watching my every move, "No, I'm here with somebody I met a couple weeks ago, he's called Alex and he's lovely."

Alex gave me a quizzical look. I waved my hand at him.

_"Oh really? Anything you need to tell me Rhea?"_

"Nope, nothing of yet, it's compli-" I was interrupted by a shout from Clare's end of the line.

_"Mum! I want to talk to her now!"_ There was a scrabbling noise, and then Bobbie's high pitched voice came through the speaker, "Rhea? Guess what happened in town today."

"Hang on a sec Bobs, let me just do something." As it was only Alex and I up here, I pressed the button for loudspeaker and put my phone down onto the tabletop,"Sorry, it's my lil sis, she wants to tell me about what happened in town today."

Alex nodded, "How many siblings do you have exactly?"

Smiled and felt smug, "Seven…"

Alex shook his head at me and was just about to say something when Bobbie interrupted again, _"Who are you talking to?"_

"Just a friend of mine, called Alex."

_"Hello Alex, how are you?"_

I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing at loud, Bobbie would not appreciate that at all.

"I'm alrigh', thank you Bobbie." He said, leaning over onto the table, "How you doin'?"

_"I'm really happy cause today I got to hold a puppy from this man in town and it was really small and had nearly no hair and he licked my hand."_

She finished in a rush and took big breath before continuing to describe every tiny detail about the puppy and how Mummy had let her go on a ride after. Mostly we just listened and exchanged glances and smiles, occasionally falling in to fits of silent laughter at something Bobbie had said. It is truly extraordinary how a different a 6 year olds version of the world can be. After just over ten minutes had passed, Clare asked Bobbie to bid us goodbye, which she did with much complaining. When Clare had hung up, I breathed out a sad sigh. I really did miss her very much, she was my only sister who was actually related to me through blood, and although I didn't love Fey or Dana any less, Bobbie still had a special place in my heart.

I looked up at Alex who was sitting back playing with his fork with one of his hands, the other lay relaxed on the side of the table.

"So yeah, that was my baby sister, she likes to talk a lot."

He smiled a bit, still concentrating on the fork, "I could see, or rather hear that." His voice was quiet and soft.

I frowned at him, taking the hand that was playing with the fork in mine,"Hey, whats up hun?"

He looked up and leant forwards, putting his other hand around mine, "I'm alrigh' love."

I raised a skeptical brow.

"Really love it's fine." He looked down at our clasped hands, "You're very lucky to have such a big loving family you know."

I smiled at him, giving he hands a squeeze with mine, "And you have many people who love you too, don't feel down."

"I don't feel down, I'm here with you."

I looked down and blushed, "Thanks."

"Alright you two, break it up, these are heavy you know."

We lurched apart as J's voice brought us out of our bubble. J's arms were covered in plates, two perfect sized pizza's and two bowls of salad balanced precariously on his lengthy arms.

We sat back, making space, so J could place our food in front of us, the smell made me nearly faint with hunger. As soon as he had placed mine in front of me I went to grab a piece of the already sliced pizza, but J's hand came out of nowhere, catching mine and holding me from my food. I glared up at him, "What?"

He raised his eyebrows at me, "I do believe you have forgotten your manners. A thank you J, would be nice."

I rolled my eyes, pulling my hand out of his grasp, "Fine, thanks J for bringing us our food, now may I eat?"

"Yes."

I needed no further encouragement and fell on the piece of pizza with all the force of a lion. The pizza was my favorite, smothered in all sorts of veg, chilli chicken pieces and goats cheese. I moaned in pleasure. This was possibly the best pizza I had ever had in my entire life.

"I'll leave you to it." I barely glanced at J as he departed, too preoccupied with taking another bite of heaven.

I took a second to glance up at Alex, who was devouring his pizza with the same amount of ferocity as me.

For what felt like a age we ate our food, barely looking up. Eventually, when I had inhaled about three quarters of my pizza. I picked up my glass and brought it to my lips, taking a long drink, refreshing my taste buds. I closed my eyes while I drank, savoring the clear coolness that washed around my hot mouth. Like I had said, there was a fair bit of spice on these pizza's.

I opened them to see that Alex had also taken a break, he was picking at his luscious salad with a vacant expression, gazing into nothing. He absentmindedly brought a piece of lettuce up to his lips, chewing on it thoughtful.

I leant my elbow on the table, resting my chin on my hand and gazed at Alex. For a while he didn't seem to notice, and then, ever so slowly he looked up, his eyes meeting my eyes last.

"Hello there."

"Hey." I winked at him.

"Have I got something on my face?"

"Yes."

He lifted up his spoon, trying to see his face in its reflective service, "What is it?"

"Well in the middle of your face you have a nose, then just below there you have this thing called a mouth, and then, you're never gonna believe this, you have eyes. _Eyes Alex!_"

Alex put down the spoon, and gave me a look. I smirked.

"Very funny Rhea."

I laughed, "I know right."

I picked up my fork and started on my salad, piecing a cherry tomato with it. I popped it in my mouth, it burst, filling my mouth with flavour.

My phone dinged, I sighed. Seriously, couldn't people just leave me alone for a day?

**Rae** _'Hey love, can you come in at 4 tomorrow please? We have a new delivery of mat's and I need your muscles, unfortunately mine won't suffice x'_

I smiled despite myself. Rae was one of my most favorite people on this earth. She was my former aerial teacher, and had taught me until I had gone off to CircoMedia, and although she was 10 years older than me, I could say with confidence that she was probably one of my best friends. When I had moved to London she had offered me a part time job teaching aerial with her on a Sunday and Monday night. I had jumped at the chance as I would get to work side by side with one of my closest friends, and also the pay wasn't half bad.

_'Sure thing, see you at 4 x'_ I texted back, and then replaced the phone in my bag.

"Sorry about that, people seem to be in need of me a lot today. It was just my boss telling me about work tomorrow."

"Oh ok, you have a job?"

I frowned at him, stabbing at a piece of cucumber, "Yes, of course."

"What do you do?"

Munching on the cucumber, I said, "Well, I teach aerial, which includes, trapeze, aerial hoop, flying trapeze and so on, for a few hours every Sunday and Monday night."

Alex raised his eyebrows, "That's sound pretty awesome."

"I am actually quite good at what I do you know."

"I never thought weren't" He gave me a small smile.

I smiled back, eating another bit of salad, "This is nice, being here, with you"

"Yeah it is, thank you Rhea."

I gave him a puzzled look, "For what?"

"For taking me in, for letting me stay over, for making me laugh..."

I blushed, damn this man, "It's a pleasure, I assure you."

"Well I am quite charming I s'pose."

I shook my head at him, and then gave in, "Yes you are."

Having finished my salad, I started on the last couple pieces of the pizza, like I said, I liked my food, "So, hows about we rent a film tonight?"

"Sounds great."

"And I was thinking of making chicken korma, with rice and some steamed veg…?"

Alex nodded, his eyes gleaming, "Yeah, that sounds really good Rhea, thanks."

"No problem hun, I quite enjoy cooking, especially when it's for somebody else as well." It was true. I loved the satisfied feeling I got when I saw someone enjoying my food.

"You done with that?" Alex pointed at the one solitary piece of pizza on my plate.

I glanced at his own empty plate, and laughed, "Yeah," I pushed it towards him, "Here you have it, I'm stuffed."

He grabbed it off my plate and took a large bite, "I like that you eat a lot. Sometimes I look around an' all I see are women countin' calories an' saythin' they can't 'ave this, and they can't 'ave that. Seein' you eat so much, an' with so much relish, is a refreshin' sight."

"What can I say, I like food, and I don't exactly stuff myself with crap. Plus I do, do a lot of exercise, so that always helps."

Alex nodded in agreement, finishing the last of the pizza with one bite.

I got my phone out of my bag and checked the time,_ 3:46pm_. Right, it was about time that I got my shopping done and I still needed to finish off my essay, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah." Alex said and pushed back his chair, pulling off his over coat from off the back of the it where he had placed it earlier.

I also got up and pulled on my jacket, wrapping my scarf round my neck. Picking up my bag I checked that Alex was ready and started to walk down the stairs to the till.

As we made it to the till I noticed that we got quite a few stares, mostly directed at Alex. I decided that I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, I wasn't sure I could handle any more fan business, I was still feeling quite overwhelmed by earlier on.

"That'll be £22 my darling." J said from behind the till. I reached into my bag and took out my purple and black purse, unzipping the top of it.

"Don't worry, I'll pay."

I shook my head at Alex, "Oh no you won't mister."

Seeing that I was completely set on paying, Alex seemed to give in, "Fine, but I'm paying for me'self"

"Fine."

J laughed at us, holding his hand out for the money which Alex and I handed over. He placed it in the till and printed off the recipe, handing to me.

"Urm, Rhea can I have a word with you?" J said, a serious expression coming ver his face. J very rarely was a serious guy. Something was up.

"Yeah sure hun."

J glanced at Alex. He seemed to get the message and gave me a reassuring smile, "I'll just go outside and have a fag. I'll wait for you."

I smiled at him gratefully and then turned to J as Alex headed towards the cafe door, a few tables followed his progress until he shut the door behind him.

J came round the counter and stood in front of me, hands on hips, "How are you doing Rhea. And I don't want any of this 'I'm fine' shite ok?"

I took his hand in mine, "Actually J, I'm better than I have been in a long...long time."

J noded thoughtfully, "Yes you seem better. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch that much recently, I just got so caught up in stuff with myself and Louis. I have been a bit of a shit friend, especially as you were, urm, well, unwell…"

I looked down at the floor, feeling old emotions of despair flicker in the darkness at the back of my mind. I rubbed my hand across my face, sighing, "No really J, I'm alright. I'm getting back on my feet. The feelings come back every now and again, but I can handle them now I have something...someone knew to accompany my thoughts."

J looked at me knowingly, "I can see that. Just be careful. He seems like a lovely guy, just you know, you don't have the best track record.I think Rhea, sometimes you just have to follow your own advice."

I laughed, although there was no humor in the situation. You could say I wasn't a very well person. To be honest I didn't really know what was wrong with me, and neither did the doctors. Sometimes I would just get ill. I would be exhausted, dizzy and, well, depressed. It could last days, weeks, even months in some dreadful cases. I was only just recovering from my last bout of it and it had been rather short, only spanning a couple weeks, but it had been very hard on me. Memories of bad, bad times would swirl around my head, blinding me to everything but them. Many a time Jade, J or Sally would find me curled up in a ball, unable to even speak. It seemed that a lot of men just weren't able to except this part of me. I had been told more than once that I was damaged goods, and I can assure you, it certainly doesn't do wonders for your self esteem. I would feel so shit about myself, that for a long time even the smallest compliment would have me falling into any man's lap. However saying all this, I was the best I had been for a long time, things seemed to be looking up.

I took in breath which shuddered into my lungs, and let go of J's hand, but not before giving it a reassuring squeeze, "I think this time it's going to be ok J, really, everythings different."

J gave me a skeptical look, "Rhea you said that about the last gu-"

I interrupted him, getting irritated now, "I know what I said J. You just need to trust me on this ok?"

He gave me a long hard look that made my insides squirm, but I kept his gaze, I had to make him believe that I was better.

He sighed, "Ok, just remember if it gets ruff, call me ok, don't go through the shit by yourself again. You have people that love and worry about you a lot Rhea."

I bit my lip, "I know."

A small charming smile lit J's face gently, "Anyway, you better be off, I'll see around soon, I'm sure." He went in for a hug, which I returned with full force.

I waved goodbye to him after kissing him on the cheek, and made my way outside to where Alex was drawing on the last of his fag. He turned towards me and offered his hand. I took it and led us towards the nearest Tesco's, like I said, I didn't have loads of money and Tesco's was a life saver.

"You alright love?" Alex asked, throwing the last of his cigarette in a bin.

I looked at him and gave him a big smile, "Yeah actually, I am really rather brilliant."

Ales leaned over and kissed the top of my head, his hand going on the side of my neck. My skin tingled where his skin touched mine, "Good, cause darlin, I know there is stuff you aren't tellin' me, but I'm gonna wait until you do."

I swallowed thickly, tears pricking the corners of my eyes, "Thank you Alex."

_"Coax me out low,_

_Sink in to tomorrow,_

_Coax me out low and have a spin on my propeller"_

**Hey my lovelies, so here it is, a new chapter! Yay! Please tell me what you think, I am just loving your reviews!**

**By the way I will be trying to follow AM'S original tour of 2012, but I may take some liberties with dates and stuff. **

**Also, I would just like to say to the reviewer who told me about their friends people assholes to her, well let me just say, friends are generally not assholes to you, if they do treat you like shit then there is something wrong with the friendship...maybe you need to have a long look at what your friendship is. Just a suggestion, your review it hit me hard. The fact that you would tell me something like that brought tears to my eyes, so thank you, if you, or anybody else, want to talk to me about stuff, just PM me, and I will be happy to talk, I've been told I'm a good listener.**

**Love you guys! Sav x**


	9. Writing My Heart Away

**-Writing My Heart Away-**

_"It's these times that it tends,_

_The start to breaking up, to start to fall apart_

_Oh! Hold on to your heart"_

_-2nd/3rd January 2012-_

I shivered as the fog soaked into my jacket. My feet moved quicker and I huddled down into myself, so that only my eyes could be seen between my hood and scarf.

"This is one thing I don't miss while travelin' around. The English weather is _fookin' appallin'_ sometimes." Alex growled from behind me, as we trudged along back to my house. "I told ya we should 'ave got a cab."

I pursed my lips. "Yes I_ know_ you said that, there is _no_ need to keep reminding me." My voice came out irritated and muffled by the cloth around my mouth,"You know I can't afford a cab and before you say you could have paid, I just want you to know, that just because you're some rich ass fucker, doesn't mean you can go around paying for everything. If you're going to complain anymore, will you just get your own _bloody cab_."

We had gone shopping and the weather had been lovely, lifting my spirits to the highest level of happiness to the point where I had almost been giddy. The shopping had been an adventure, Alex pushing me round in the trolley and persuading me to buy some ridiculous chocolates. When we had finally left Tesco's, my cheeks had been sore with laughter. However as we had made our way home on the tube, the sky had darkened and the chill had crept up on us. As the weather had changed, so had Alex's mood and by the time we got to the last station and got off, Alex's mood was foul and he barely talked to me, only snatching a bag of food off me and striding in the direction of home. I had nearly forgotten about getting the film from the small film rental store, but had remembered at the last moment. Trying to get Alex's preference on what film he wanted to watch was almost impossible, so I had just snatched up a film my dad had recommended, paid and then stormed out. And now, yet again Alex was moaning about wanting to get a cab. He was getting on my nerves and I was having second thoughts about letting him stay another night. Part of me never wanted him to go, but the more he moaned and complained, the more my mood darkened.

"I'm not going to apologize for havin' money Rhea."

I stayed looking at the wet pavement ahead of me, only a street left now and then warmth, "Don't worry Alex, I don't expect you too."

Alex speeded up so he was walking next to me and looked at me. I could feel his eyes on the side of my face, but kept looking straight ahead. "What the 'ell is the matter Rhea? One moment you're great, the next you're like this."

I stopped then and turned to him, poking him in the chest with my free hand, "What's the matter with _me_?" I almost shouted, "What about you then? All you've done since we finished shopping is moan and groan, or just be completely silent. Trying to get a word out of you, apart from about you wanting to get a fucking cab, is like trying to get blood out of a stone."

He took a step back as I jabbed him in the chest and looked surprised at my outburst. Good, I'd had just about enough of him.

I whirled round, and marched the last 10 metres to my house, pushing open the gate with so much force that the old rusted thing gave a loud shriek as it's old hinges struggled to work. Without looking back at Alex, I shoved my food bag into his hand, which he took without question, and unlocked the door with my almost numb fingers. Just as I pushed open the door, there was a loud crack from the sky and rain fell as if someone had just turned on a power shower up in heaven. I felt Alex against my back as he struggled to stay in the shelter of the porch as the rain lashed down around us. Walking in, I punched in the security code and took off my damp jacket, hanging it over the small radiator on the wall. Sitting on the hall chair I started to undo my boots, but kept messing it up as my hands were swelling up from the cold, like they always did.

"Here, let me love, my hands aren't so bad." Alex knelt down, having taken off his overcoat and hung it on the railing up the stairs.

I pushed his hands away, "No, I can do it thank you very much."

I didn't want his help, I didn't need him. He gave me a look. I sighed and leant back, pushing hair out of my face, "Fine, whatever."

While he undid the ribbons with quick swift movements of his fingers, I pulled the pins out of my hair, letting it fall back down around my face. The scent of roses clouded the air, I breathed in and closed my eyes, relaxing.

"Done." Alex got up and picked the two bags of shopping off the floor, making his way to the kitchen, turning on the kitchen light on the way. I turned my head and gazed after him, blinking slowly. With a small groan, I pushed myself up, my feet protesting as the weight of my body was once again put upon them. I swear a day out in town left me as tired, as if I had just finished a day at Circus Space. Walking towards the kitchen, I found Alex taking out the shopping from the bags and placing them neatly on the counters.

Without turning around he said, "D'you want the ketchup in the fridge or the cupboard?"

Without answering, I walked over him and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his back.

He stiffened and then relaxed, placing his hands on my clasped ones at his waist.

"Well in the normal world you would put ketchup in the cupboard, but I'm feeling a little otherworldly at the the moment so lets take a risk and put it in the fridge."

Alex's laughter vibrated through him and then in to my body. I joined him with a small laugh of my own, already feeling a little better. Alex turned and pulled me into his arms, I made myself smaller, bringing my arms between our chests.

Alex rested his chin on my head, I had to bend my back a bit to accommodate this position as we were around the same height, "I'm sorry, love, I'm not really sure what got into me…" He trailed off.

"It's alright. I think we're both just a bit...unsettled by events and maybe the future…"

"You could say that."

I smiled wryly and detached myself from his warm embrace,"Come on, lets put these away and then I need to go and finish writing up my essay. Then I'll start on the fo-"

"We'll start on the food." He said, interrupting me."

I smiled at him fondly, "Yes, then we'll start on the food, it shouldn't take too long. And then the film I suppose."

He shook his head at me, "You like things planned don't you."

I shrugged and turned, grabbing a pack of carrots and another one of potato's off the counter, "What can I say, Mam liked things planned, and it seems to have rubbed off on me."

Pulling open the fridge, I distributed the veg into their rightful places. I heard Alex move behind me, the ketchup coming into my line of sight. I took it, placed it in the door and sang quietly, "_...oh the boy's a slag, the best you ever had…_"

I felt a light tap on my head, "Shut up you, I'm not that bad." Alex said, a smile in his voice.

I stood back up, my ankle clicking. I gave him a wink and went to put the rest of the shopping away.

When we had finished I felt a little bit awkward, "Well then, now thats all done, I'm gonna leave you to do whatever, I should only be an hour or so." I said to Alex, leaning against the counter with my hip. "There are some books in the lounge and you're welcome to put the fire on to warm yourself up an-"

I stopped as Alex's hand clamped across my mouth, stopping me in mid sentence. He took it off slowly, looking in to my eyes, "Shh." He put his finger to his lips, "I can manage Rhea, just go and do what you need to do ok?"

Feeling slightly light headed I nodded and wandered out of the room. When I reached the hall, I snuck a quick glance behind me and snatched up my bag from where I had left it hanging on the hall chair. I then jogged upstairs, a skip in my step. When I got to my room, turning the side lamp on, I pulled out the two black paper packages, hoping they hadn't suffered any damage from the day out. Giving them a quick once over, I decided they look perfectly fine. Sitting back, I picked up the larger of the two packages and began to carefully pull the bits of sellotape off it.

When I was younger, I was given a notebook by my Godmother to use in whatever way I wanted. On the first page of the handmade book she had written a little message to me saying that she loved me, believed in me and that if I needed anyone, she was there. I have forgotten the exact words she said, but whenever I felt bad I would go back and read it. Somewhere along the lines I had lost it, probably as I was moving around so much, but I will never forget what comfort those words gave me. And that was my plan now. To write something in Alex's book. I wanted to write words that he could look back on, and receive strength, comfort, and maybe even love from. So here I was, painstakingly picking off the sellotape, just for a few words.

Finally, after muttering a few choice swear words, I managed to unpick all the tape and gently unwrap the thing. Careful not to the rip the paper, I pulled the notepad out and caressed the soft leather of it, feeling a sense of wonder at the sudden change of events in my life. Getting up off my bed where I had sat to unwrap the book, I walked over to my desk, putting it down and selecting my favorite black ink pen from my selection. I had a thing for nice pens. I loved the feel of writing with a super sharp pencil, a richly inked pen or some fabulously coloured one. Putting the tip of it to the soft unmarked paper of the pad, I took a breath and went to write. And then stopped. What the hell was I supposed to say? If I was honest with myself, I barely knew much about him. What was the point in this? He probably didn't even want a measly old pad and pen from some fucking charity shop. Sitting up straight, I made an effort to shove these thoughts away. Just stop Rhea. Just stop and breathe and think. I took a deep breathe and once again put pen to paper, slowly but surely writing my heart away.

When I was done, I carefully put the wrapping paper back on, my mind in a dreamy state, the dim lights in my room doing nothing to lighten my mind. I put the packages in the corner of my wardrobe, where they wouldn't get squashed or seen. Next I went and sat down at my desk/dressing table, and pulled out my laptop from in the draw that was under it. I opened it up, the light momentarily blinding me. Opening my essay file, I put my hands to the keys. Right Rhea, it's time to wake up now.

About 50 minutes later my brain had officially turned to mush, and I was pretty satisfied with the finished piece. As I shut my laptop back down, I looked to my left and saw my camera hanging off the hook inside my wardrobe that I had left open earlier. A mischievous smile crept onto my mouth and I stood up, my joints clicking, and unhooked the camera. Quietly , careful not to make the stairs squeak, I crept downstairs. When I got to the bottom I heard the crack and spit of a fire, and ever so slowly peaked my head around the lounge door that had been left open about a foot. And there he was. Sitting, legs crossed, head resting on his hand, reading some book. As he was sitting right next to the crackling fire, the glow from it cast different colours through his hair. I gradually lifted up the camera and turned it on, wincing when it made a small beep. Alex stayed completely still, totally absorbed in whatever he was reading. Making sure the flash was off, I brought my eye close to the old thing and took aim. I pushed down on the button and a quiet click emanated from the device. Still Alex made no show of hearing the noise. Taking this as a sign to continue, I took another photo. This one however, seemed to be louder than the other and Alex jerked his head up and looked in my direction. I guiltily pushed the door open more and stepped through the doorframe.

I held up the camera, "Sorry, I couldn't resist. You're beautiful photogenic."

He shook his head at me, smiling and then patted the sofa next to him. I walked over and sat down, still clutching the camera. He put the book down, flapping a corner over and draped his arm around my shoulders. I snuggled into his chest, and stared into the fire.

"What d'you plan on doin' with those pictures?" He said, his voice guarded. I could hear the unspoken question. Was I going to 'leak' these pictures?

I looked into the fire, my breathing slowing, "I'm going to print them out or perhaps put them on my phone, so that when I feel the need, I can look back and remember. Pictures are for memories, Alex, and thats all I plan to use them for."

Alex shifted his arms so that I was closer to him and my head was on his chest. With a sigh he rested his chin on the top of my head. I felt safe and warm, completely surrounded by him.

We just sat, and rested for a while until Alex broke the silence, "Did your essay go alright?"

I lifted my head, "Well my brain couldn't take another ounce of it, but yeah, I'm pretty pleased. I enjoy writing."

"Yeah, well you do strike me as someone who would like to write. You like words don't you."

It wasn't a question, more of a statement, but I answered him anyway, "Yes I do, a lot. There is something about writing that I can't quite explain." I chewed on my lip and then continued, "I suppose it's like through my hands I can live my dreams, my idea's and share them with people."

"Exactly."

With a sigh I moved away from him and went to stand, "Come on, we better start on the food. My week starts tomorrow and I don't wanna be going to bed too late." I reached out my hand and pulled him up when he took it. Holding hands by just out fingers, I pulled him into the hall, dropping off the camera on the way, and then walked to the kitchen.

"What time do you have to leave tomorrow?" I asked, letting go of him and getting the rice out of the cupboard.

Alex leant up against the counter and rubbed his chin, " Urm, well, we're not leavin' until early Monday mornin', but we gotta get stuff done before we leave, so I s'pose I should probably get a cab 'round 10:30 tomorrow mornin'."

I looked away at the rice packet, cutting it open with a pair of scissors from the draw.

"Oh ok." I took a pan out of the cupboard, filling it with water, "You're going to be gone for a long time aren't you..." I said quietly, my voice trailing off.

I felt his arms around my waist, "You could come and visit?" His breath tickled my neck, and I shivered, goosebumps dotted my skin.

"Alex, I can't go all the way to fucking _Australia_."

"Yeah I know that love, but we're going to be in Europe after. We'll be in france in February. And you'll get to meet Miles, I think you guys will get along really well."

I turned my head so that my cheek rested against his, "I suppose I could scrape enough together, I haven't been away for a long time. It would have to be on a weekend though…"

"It is. And darlin, will you just let me pay for you to come over? Please?"

I rolled my eye towards the ceiling, taking a deep breath, letting it out in a huff, I said, "Fine, but I must pay you back in some way or another…" I trailed off and scanned my mind for something I could do. I suppose I could maybe cook.

"Darlin' your company will be payment enough." He practically growled in my ear.

I pushed out of his arms, holding the pan of water in one hand, and brought it to the cooker, "Alex, just shut up. You know what I mean."

He laughed behind me as I poured the rice into the pan of water, "Yes I do. Don't worry we'll find something for you to do."

I turned around, facing him, "Good. Now here have this knife and help me cut up some veg will you."

He brought his hand to his head in a salute, "Yes, ma'am."

I walked over and whacked him on the shoulder, then handed him the knife that I had got out earlier, "Here, take this before I am forced to use it."

Alex frowned at me and took the knife out of my threatening hand. I turned and clapped my hands together,"Now, how about some music!"

Later on, after we had chopped, danced and cooked, we settled on the floor to wait.

"I am so hungry." Alex said from where he sat, leaning up against the cupboard, "It's like eating that pizza was just a dream, an' now I've woken up in the real world to find that I've actually slept through the whole day and not eaten at all."

"Stop being so dramatic. You're not going to die." I said, sitting across from him, leaning up against the opposite cupboard.

He raised his eyebrows at me, "And how do you know? We could actually be in a dream and our actual bodies are starving cause we haven't eaten for so long. So even in the dream we feel the hunger and yet no matter how much we eat, we will never sate our longing for food."

I blew a bit of my hair out of my eye, as it had come loose of my messy bun, "I suppose what you say could be true. We could in fact be in a dream right now. Meeting you could be a dream, our memories that we have made together may be in in fact all made up. Perhaps nothing is real…" Alex watched me with a avid fascination, "Perhaps I will wake up any moment now, alone, in a world that I no longer know how to live in as I have tasted the wonders of this world."

My eyes glazed over and my mind took a dream like state as if understanding my words. Dreams indeed. Dreams swirled around us, all day, all night. Our dreams were what made us get out of bed in the morning. Our dreams were what made us make our choices in life. Our dreams, our end game…

My mind's wanderings were interrupted by the sudden loud beep of the alarm telling us that our food was finally ready. It took a moment for me to tell my body to move and by the time I was on my way to standing, Alex's hand was held out to help me up. I took it and he pulled, making me fly into his body, landing with a slight thump against his chest. He grinned down at me, his dark eyes meeting my light ones. Opposites attract they say, suddenly that made more sense to me than it had ever done before. Slowly I moved out of his grip and went to turn off the cooker as it's beeping had now become insistent. The music from the old stereo on the side had turned into a soft and ever so slightly haunting melody, that made shivers crawl down my spine. I turned round to meet Alex's searching eyes. He held out his hands to me, which I took in mine, he then pulled me towards him.

"Dance with me." He said ever so softly, his voice seeming to come from somewhere else.

I pulled my hands out of his and wrapped them around his neck, while his encircled my waist. Slowly we moved to the gentle, yet deep beat of the song. I wrested my forehead against Alex's and shut my eyes. Breathing in his breath, smelling his scent, feeling his heat against my body, we seemed to become one breathing, living, feeling being. We breathed in and out together, and I swear I could feel his heart beating with mine. The music twirled and whirled around us, making me become heady and detached from my body. The rain battered against the french doors, the wind whistled through the trees and gaps.

The song finished with a ring, from what I suppose must have been a bell. It did the trick anyway, and my once dream fogged brain seemed to jump awake. With a shock, I become aware of exactly how close I was to Alex's mouth, and I turned my head away, fear coursing through me. Not now, please not now, I just couldn't. I pulled my head away from Alex's and looked into his eyes, just in time to see disappointment disappearing to be replaced by complete blankness. Guilt coursed through me, and without really thinking I leant forwards and pressed my lips to the corner of his mouth, lingering there for a minute before pulling away and giving him a small smile. He returned the smile, and gave me a quick peck on the forehead, before letting go of me and moving towards the food.

"Come on love, we better eat this before it goes cold, although god knows I'm so fookin' hungry I could probably eat it just the same."

So we ate, and talked, mostly about food, cooking and the logistics of me coming over to see him in February. It turned out they were going to be in Paris, somewhere I had been wanting to go for a long time. I had only ever been once and only for a couple of hours, as were on our way to Morocco and we had a few hours to spare between trains. Of course we had gone straight up the Eiffel Tower, where Kestrel had proceeded to puke on the second highest floor. It had been a rather gross comedy moment, as just as he had been sick some dude fell out of his wheelchair, causing everybody to step back, in to Kes's sick. I told Alex the story and he had laughed and then told me that he was in fact trying to eat and didn't really want to be thinking of Kes's puke at that moment in time.

After we had washed up, which took much longer than it should have, as Alex seemed to like playing with bubbles a lot more than I would have guessed, we meandered into the lounge to settle down to the film.

"So my Dad told me about this film and to be honest it does look really good. I hope you like it." I handed the film to Alex to inspect, which he did with a certain curiosity.

He nodded in acceptance and moved towards the DVD player under the small TV just across from the fire. I went and settled down in the corner of the small sofa opposite, while Al fiddled with the device. He was kneeling down, giving me a rather splendid view of his butt. I won't lie to you, I did check it out, but then averted my gaze as soon as he looked like he was finished with the DVD. He stood back up and walked towards me, giving me a small smirk. I winked back and curled my legs up under me. Without any hesitance Alex lay down and rested his head on my lap, clutching the remote in his hand. At first I was still and tense, but then relaxed and put my hand to his head, feeling his hair wind around my fingers. A sigh escaped his parted lips and his eyelids fluttered closed as the film started to play.

"Oi, don't you fall asleep now mister. I'm not watching this film on my own." I said quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace that had settled down around us.

He didn't open his eyes, but his mouth curled up into a half smile, "I'll do my best love, but I'm not promisin' anythin'"

"Ugh, you're impossible."

"Only for you babe." He said, laughter in his voice.

I scowled down at him, "Only for you indeed." The actual film had now started and Alex's eyes opened, turning his head, he started to watch the few opening seconds. I gazed down at his face, my fingers weaving through his soft hair and was content.

_/\\_/\/\\_

My alarm woke us from our slumber. I reached over, my brain still befuddled by sleep, and tapped 'Dismiss'. I slumped back down, snuggling back into Alex's chest, where he lay behind me, arm around my waist.

After a little while I said, "I don't like this day already." My voice cracked with disuse.

"Mmm." Came his reply.

Sighing, I sat up, pulling the duvet with me and pushing my hair out of my face. I yawned, my jaw cracking. The morning light spilled in through the gaps in the curtains, grey and unyielding.

Turning I gave Alex's shoulder a poke, "C'mon sleepy head, you've only got like 45 mins until you need to leave.

Alex groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. Deciding to give him a minute, I leant back up against the headboard. We hadn't gone to bed as early as I had hoped and had sat up way too late, talking. As we had headed up to bed, late as it was, Alex had phoned for a cab to come for him at half ten the next morning. Although it was now only about ten in the morning, it felt like it was early as hell and I wanted nothing more to snuggle down and go back to sleep. It was a Sunday morning through and through. I rolled onto my knees bringing the duvet with me and stumbled off the bed.

Alex lay curled up in the centre of it, his body completely visible as the duvet was now wrapped around my body.

"No...I'm not goin' to..." Came his muffled voice from under the pillow, "...You can't make me…"

I looked up at the ceiling and let the duvet fall to carpeted floor. Crawled onto the bed in nothing but my thigh length white nightie, I pulled at Alex's arm, my body week with sleep. Giving his arm a yank, I slumped back down on the bed and peeked under the pillow.

"Al, come on, you need to eat and I would like to spend a little bit of time with you before you go."

With a grunt of utter annoyance Alex pushed the pillow off his head and sat up, keeping his eyes firmly closed. I sat up too, crossing my legs and waited for him to open his eyes. Which he did after a minute, every so slowly peeking out from under his eyelids. I cocked my head to the side and gave him a small smile. After a little while of just staring at me, he returned the smile, his eyes drooping and sleepy. It was possibly one of the sexiest and adorable things I had ever seen. His hair was wild, sticking up and falling all over his face. I indicated the door with my head and stood up, going to my wardrobe, pulling out one of my step-dads old green holey jumpers. Pulling it over my head, I came through the head hole with a gasp, hair going all in my face. Checking that Alex was still preoccupied with waking up, I took his presents out from their hiding place. I then grabbed a pair of my black knee socks and pulled them on. By that time Alex was standing too, rubbing his face and then walking over to the curtains. He pulled them back with a flourish that belong on a West End stage.

"I'll go and make some coffee." Not waiting for his reply, I walked past him to the door, grabbing a hair band from off my bedside table.

I shivered as I descended the stairs, the air cooling as I went lower. When I got to the kitchen I filled the kettle, and switched it on, the sound of it filling the heavily silent room. I pulled my hair up, mushing it up into the semblance of a bun, although no sooner had I put it up, stray strands curled around my face and down my neck. I was never good at the hair stuff, I would bet that Alex knew more about hair styles than I did. Pulling the mugs out of the cupboard above the kettle, I placed them on the white counter, the slight noise they made as they hit the hard plastic seemed to cut throuth the room. I looked up at this point, looking at the iron grey sky outside. Graying clouds skidded across it, as the small tree in the tiny garden swung from side to side, the wind pushing it from it's roots.

I heard his soft foot step across the wooden floor, just as the kettle started to boil. I switched it off and poured it steaming into the coffee pot on the side. I half expected Alex to wrap his arms around me, in fact I was waiting for it. But he didn't. He came and stood next to me, looking out towards the garden, shoulder bushing mine.

"This is weird." I whispered, not really sure if I had actually said it outloud or had simply thought it.

"Yeah it is, just a little bit."

I pushed his presents towards him, from where I had placed them on the side, "These are yours. Don't forget them."

Alex took the smaller of the two packages gently in his hands, turning it this way and that. I took this moment to look him over, seeing that he had changed into what he had been wearing yesterday. After he had inspected the package to his satisfaction, he looked at me, touching his knuckles to me cheek,"Thank you Darlin', when did you get these?"

I blushd and looked down, my cheek tingling from his touch, "Urm, yesterday. After seeing Roger."

He lifted my face up, his hand under my chin, "Thank you Love, I'm lookin' forward to openin' them."

I took my chin out of his hand, "Good." Picking the coffee pot up, I poured the dark liquid into our separate mugs. The smell filled the air, waking up my senses, as my emotions fell into the pit of my stomach, curling into knots.

I handed Alex's mug to him, but it stayed in my hand. Looking up, I saw that was he stareing at me, "What?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

Without saying anything he took the mug out of my hand and then placed it back down on the side. I looked at him, confused. Before I knew what was happening Alex's hands were cupping my face, his lips coming towards mine. Quick as a flash I jerked my head out of his grasp, twisting completely out from in front of him to the other side of the kitchen. Alex turned with me, his face portraying shock. And hurt. My insides became a formidable ocean of feelings.

Alex threw his arms up into the air, "What the _'ell_ is this Rhea, " He said, his voiced raised, "One minute you seem all for it, the next you're pushin' me away like anythin'."

I looked down at the floor, wrapping my arms around my stomach, "I don't know." I lied. I did know, but it was just too...too embarrassing, weak.

Alex stormed towards me, a scowl on his face, "No Rhea that's not good enough. You 'ave _no right_ to play with me like this. Either you want me or you don't. What is it that you want? "

I turned towards the window, away from his accusing eyes, "Look, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm leading you on. It's not my intention. It's just well I don't like you like that Alex." My heart clenched, pain lancing through my being.

I felt his hands on my shoulders, spinning me around to face him, "_Bullshit!_ Absolute fookin' _bullshit_ Rhea. You know as well as I do that there's somethin' between us. It may not be much, but there is _somethin'_. Don't you dare tel-"

At this point I had, had enough. I looked him in the eye, "_Fine! Fine Alex. If this is what you want, here have it. I'm scared._" I said, my voice rising higher and higher, "_I'm scared ok. I'm fucking terrified of what I feel when I look at you. When you touch me, I swear bloody fireworks go off in my nerve system!_" I stormed over to the counter snatching his presents up and shoving them into his hands.

I looked back at him, my voice quieter, but just as forceful, "Alex baby, you are going to break my heart one day, I know it. Nothing you can say will change my mind about this. Men are just liars and thieves, taking whatever they want, whenever they want."

There was a ding as the doorbell was rung. The taxi was early. I pointed towards the door, "There, saved by the fucking bell. Just leave will you."

I turned back to look out of the window, using all my strength to hold back the tears that threatened my well being.

His voice was shaky as he spoke, "Rhea, I...I neve-"

I whirled around. I couldn't take it anymore, "_Alex, just go will you. Just go. I don't need you and I don't want you."_

His face changed completely as I shouted these words in his face. It became blank, his eyes darkened, becoming dead. Without a word he turned, still clutching my presents. My fucking heart he held in his hands, and now he was walking away from me.

I gripped the side of the counter, steadying myself as the front door slammed and Alex disappeared into the waiting taxi. As soon as he was gone, I collapsed into the armchair, my whole body shaking with sobs. I had lost him, as I knew I would. All men are liars, all men are thieves I chanted to myself, as once again I held myself together.

Up above me, standing side by side, two coffee cups were still steaming, the vapor making patterns in the air.

_/\\_/\/\\_

3 miles from Rhea's house, a taxi dashed along the wet streets, inside Alex Turner tore at one of the black packages on his lap, revealing a leather notebook. He slowly unwound the leather string and opened it to reveal some words in her handwriting.

_Hey, happy birthday my lovely! Don't have too much fun without me yeah?_

_So, I don't really know where to start with this, but here goes._

_Someone onced asked me if I believed in love at first sight, and I said no. And to this day I stick by my answer. I believe that love can not just happen. It doesn't just spring up from nowhere. It is built up over time, strengthening like good wine, until one day you take a sip and it's perfect. The perfect time to say 'I love you'. And Alex baby, we both have hurts so deep their still bleeding, but honey, I want to get to that day with you. I want to get to the day when I will be able to say those three small word. I'm terrified about this, but you make me strong. You are my home away from home._

_Sweet dreams hun,_

_Dandelion and Burdock Girl_

_"Well the morning was complete._

_There was tears on the steering wheel, dripping on the seat…"_

**So again, thank you for your lovely reviews, Sav x**


	10. If You Fuck With My Heart

**-If You Fuck With My Heart…-**

_"About as subtle as an earthquake, I know,_

_My mistakes were made for you"_

_-14 January 2012-_

The table groaned under the pounding of our fists as we kneaded the dough. Puffs of flour swam in the air, making the already stuffy kitchen, dense looking. The light above our heads illuminated the orange and white walls of the big family kitchen. My hands were red from the constant movement, but I rejoiced in the task, it took my mind elsewhere, to places even he couldn't reach. I watched my hands turning the white dough, this way and that, pulling it, stretching it, until it was fluffy with life.

"I think that should be enough now, put them in the bowl, then place them on the fire to rise. Don't forget to put a tea towel over it now." Said my mother from where she stood to my left, hands caked in the stuff, flour dusted over her entire being. Mam was never a clean chef.

"Mam, I have made bread with you before."

She waved her hands at me in a dismissive gesture, flinging a small amount of dough off her fingers and into the air, "It's just habit Rhea. I swear I have to re-teach Kes how to make bread everytime he gets round to helping out. Right lazy bugger he is."

I shook my head at my Mother. She was always bad mouthing her children, but with such affection and love did she raise us, nobody cared what she called them.

After I had placed the dough in the big mixing bowl and put them on top of the fire place to rise, I went and washed my hands of the sticky mixture. When I was done I stood and stared out of the window into our overgrown front garden. It was now nearly dark, the last rays of sunshine streaming in through the glass.

I had come back to my Mam's because I had missed my family with a passion, so I had got the first train I could that Friday and headed to Wales. Well at least thats what I had told her. It had been nearly a week since he had walked out of my life. After I had screamed and shouted at him, until he left. Just remembering the scene made my almost cripple with sadness. I hadn't told anybody what had happened, not even Jade who had bugged me about it so much I had shouted at her. I didn't shout at Jade, I just didn't do that sort of stuff to her, so after I had raised my voice, she had left me well alone. So alone that I hadn't spoken to her since Tuesday. It was now Saturday and although I was home, my heart was elsewhere.

Since that Sunday Morning, I had been walking around in a dream state, running on instincts and my friends generosity. Many of them were used to my down times, but this time it was different, and they knew it. Like Jade, many had tried to get it out of me, even some of my teachers at Circus Space, but I had closed down with such force that they had left me well alone. So far that was me. Alone. But now I was back home, I had been waiting for Mam to pick up something was wrong. So far she hadn't mentioned anything to me, but when she had picked me from the small station in our local town, she had frowned and given me a extra big hug. Since then she had not been patient with my siblings loudness, and had saved me from many bouts of questions that had been fired at me from all of them. She knew something was up, and I think she was just biding her time. Waiting until it was just me and her. And now she had found it. All the others had gone out to see our Auntie play football in Cardiff, it was big game, but I had stayed at my Mother's insistence.

"Rhea?"

I turned round to face her. She stood leaning up against the small fridge, giving me her full attention. My Mam was tall, round cheeked and wild haired. Rarely was she completely clean, usually she would have earth under her nails from her obsessive gardening, ingredients from whatever she had been cooking, or perhaps even a smudge of makeup gone wrong. I loved her with a fierce passion that had me up and enraged if anybody was to say anything even slightly offensive about her. She had been there for me when my friends had disappeared, and my heart and very body was broken. She had supported me in my wild pursuits of circus, scraping together money for my travels with various groups so I could get the experience she had once dreamed of. She had been there for me when my father had given up on me, abandoning me because I wasn't what he had envisioned I'd be. To him, circus was just a passing phase, and I would one day realise that I should go to a 'proper' universite and get a 'proper' degree. He had lost his way somewhere between his marriage and choosing work over building up a strong relationship with his children. I had given him all my love and attention until I had realised that he gave me next to nothing in return. That was the day I had left and not talked to him for over a year. That being the year that I had started with him. Jamie. The man who had damaged me so much I couldn't bare to love the man I wanted.

As Mam stared at me, these thoughts raced through my head, making my emotions go wild.

"Rhea, it's time to tell me whats going on. No more hiding. We both know it does you no good."

That was it. I broke and rushed her to her side, burying my head in her chest, hiding from the cruel world we must live in. After I had cried for a little while, Mam guided me towards the lounge where we sat on one of our old dusty sofas and I told her everything. I told her about how he made my feel when he smiled, I told her about how his touch made my skin feel electric, I told her about how whenever he spoke my ears where filled with the sweetest sound of his voice. But most of all I told her about my mistake. About I had pushed him away, I was scared, weak and alone.

"The fear that grips me when I think of having to commit to a relationship with him makes my knees weak. He'll be away so much, and we both have such different lives and dreams and wants, I have no idea how we can possibly make it work."

Mam shook her head at me, "And so what if it doesn't work? If you really do have strong feelings towards him, you'll work it out, trust me. How do you think J and I have been able to stick it out all these years? Because we try. We try hard to make it work, and it does. I love J so much that sometimes it scares the shit out of me."

I rubbed my hand across my wet face, and sniffed, "Yeah, but what if it isn't meant to be? What if he just ends up hurting me and then leaving?"

Mam took my hand in hers, "And then you'll move on. You'll have good times. It's just like your Dad and I. We were together for a good amount of years and although I have problems with him now, I will never forget the good times that we had. I will never forget that for some time, albeit briefly, I was in love with him and it was the best feeling. We had a great time together, obviously it went it a bit sour towards the end, but I wouldn't change the past for anything. Being with him helped me grow and become the person I am now. Plus I did get two rather lovely children out of it."

I slumped back against the sofa and pulled my knees to my chin, "I just, I can't explain it….I...suppose that in him I see something that scares me. I see his devotion towards me, his affection and I just don't feel like I will be able to meet his needs. I suppose I'm scared of letting him down…"

"And what about your needs Rhea? You have been in what, 3 relationships so far and one of them fucked you up so bad you can't have a good relationship anymore? Don't give Jamie the satisfaction of seeing you struggle to find love. That man did things to you that make me want to ring he fucking neck, so don't you dare become somebody you're not because of him. You are a strong and loving young woman Rhea. If this is meant to be, you'll work it out. Sure there will be days where you don't even want to see their face, but then it'll be over and you'll move on and make up."

I stared down at my black jean clad knees and let my mind struggle over the possibilities of the future. What Mam said was true. I would not let that bastard affect my lifes decisions anymore. He had done enough already. Affected me in ways I dare not even consider.

My head jerked up as the door was pushed open with a bang, my various siblings stumbling through the kitchen and towards where we sat on the sofa, Mam still holding my hand. I hid my face, as they traipsed in, not wanting them to see me like this. I was the strong one. I was the one who looked after their hurts and tears. I was the big sister.

Dana came and sat next to me, tapping me on the shoulder, "You alright Rhea?"

I looked up, not meeting her dark gray eyes, "Yep, I'm fine."

Dana pulled my left arm up and over her shoulder, so that she was now cuddled into my chest. It brought back painful memories.

"Then why have you been crying?"

"Because I was sad, but I'm fine now."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head, "No. Not anymore."

"Ok."

I kissed the top of her blonde dreadlocked head. I did love her sometimes. She knew when people needed space, unlike some people.

Mam had now got up from beside me to help J put the shopping away, and my younger brother Kes bounced onto the sofa next to me, making Dana and I jostle, the top of her head hitting my chin.

"What's up Rhea?", Kes said.

I sighed and was about to answer, when Dana interrupted me, "Shut up Kes, leave her alone."

Kes gave Dana a playful frown and then leant forwards and gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Love you sis."

_/\\_/\/\\_

_"Just leave!...I don't need you and I don't want you! Just go...!"_

_Alex's blank face and dead eyes stared at me. He turned to go, leaving me in the swirling abyss of despair. Tears trickled down my cold cheeks, dripping into ice. I was so cold. So cold._

_In the distance along the dark hall he shone like flickering passion. I needed him. Why did I send him away? I ran, slipping and sliding on the ice floor at my feet. My limbs stiff and sore as the ice traveled through my veins._

_"Alex wait! I'm sorry, I need you. I need you so much. Please, come back…" I screamed after him, my voice was silent, but he heard me and turned. The light got brighter._

_"You said you didn't need me Rhea. I won't stay where I'm not wanted…" His voice carried along the hall. He turned to leave, opening the door, walking outside._

_I crumpled to the floor, my inside being ripped apart._

_"I do need you, I do…"_

I do need you...Alex…" I whispered, waking from my nightmare. My covers were off my bed and I was cold. So cold. I blinked in the dark, feeling the cool air chilling my already freezing skin. Flicking on the light above my bed, I sat up, pulling the covers up and around me, warming my chilled flesh. The soft light from the small lamp illuminated my childhood bedroom. Memories flickered in every corner. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and my hands came away wet, tears making my fingertips glisten. I had been crying. Pulling my curtain aside from the window beside my bed, I saw that it was completely black outside. Next I picked up my phone that was charging on the bedside table. _3:17AM._

I had gone to bed early as I was emotionally and physically exhausted by the day. It's all I seemed to do when I come home. Sleep. I was now wide awake and staring at the camera on the small wooden table across the room. Without thinking about it too much I walked across the cold wooden floor and picked the old device up, my hands shaking slightly. Getting back into bed and snuggling down into my blankets I turned it on, the small screen lighting up. I went onto pictures and stopped when I got to him. There he was, glowing softly in the light of the fire. I bit my lip to stop it wobbling and flicked to the next picture. Looking closely, I now saw the beginnings of a small smile forming on his lips, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He was either smiling at something in the book, or had known I was there all along.

I needed to speak to him. Now. I needed to at least hear his voice say my name. I dropped the camera on the bed and snatched my phone up, fumbling to type in the PIN. Before I could change my mind, I quickly flicked through my contacts until I came to his. I pressed on his number and held the phone to my ear, breathing fast. The phone rang. And rang. And rang, until finally it stopped, and my stomach dropped as I heard his voice. It was only his answer machine. I slowly brought the phone away from my ear and ended the call. There was no way I was leaving a message, it would just be embarrassing. And anyway I had heard his voice, kind of. I put my phone back onto charge, and lay back down, tears slowly dripped down my face, until I scrunched my eyes shut, shutting them away behind my eyelids. It was a sign. It must be. It obviously wasn't meant to be, and I had to except that, I had t-.

I sat up straight as my phone lit up, vibrating softly. Snatching up my phone, I saw that Alex was calling. Phoning me back. Now it was actually here I hesitated, not sure if I could do it. Jamie's face came into my minds eye.

"You'll always be mine Rhea. Mine! Do you hear me?" I pushed his voice away. He was gone. Finished.

Before my minds wanderings got the better of me, I pressed answer and brought the phone to my ear.

"Hi?" I said softly, my throat constricting.

_"Rhea?"_

"Yep."

There was silence from the other end, all I could here was his steady breathing.

"Alex I...I really miss you."

There was the sound of him letting out a breath and then he replied, "_I miss you too Rhea._"

I gulped and look at my wall, "Alex, I'm...really sorry for what I said, I just, I don't know. I suppose I find it hard to trust that someone would like me in that way. Well, like me enough to stay anyway."

I heard him sigh, "_An', I'm sorry too. For tryin' to force you into somethin' that you're not ready for._"

I sat up straight, "No. Alex. I am ready...sometimes. Just right then I was all over the place. You make my head spin. It's like I can't think properly when I'm around you."

"_Well that goes both ways._"

I blushed, thankful he couldn't see, "Well what can I say...I can be quite delightful sometimes." I said before my mind caught up with my mouth.

He chuckled, and my eyelids fluttered as I absorbed the sound, "_There she is. I knew she hadn't completely gone._"

I smiled. Just hearing his voice was making me feel better. If I were just to touch him…

"_Rhea,_" His voice took on a serious note, "_I know this is hard for you and I'm gonna take this phone call as a sign that you want to be back in touch with me. I just want you to know that I 'aven't felt like this about someone for a long time. I'm willin' to wait until you're ready, if that's what you need. Just don't play with me, I can't take it._"

I curled up my left hand into a fist, until my short nails bit into the skin of my palm, "Alex, that's the problem. I've waited too long to move on in my life. I haven't let anybody close since, since him, and I'm scared that if I don't let someone in soon, I wont ever be able to. I'll lose my nerve."

I pulled myself together, bring my arms around my knees and positioning my back up against the wall, "Jesus Alex, I'm so scared…"

His voice was utterly serious now, "_Rhea, I won't 'urt you. I'll never intentionally go out of my way to cause you pain. I won't leave you._"

I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling, the cracks were dark where the light couldn't reach them. I sniffed, my eyes watering again, "But Alex you will leave me. You'll leave me when you walk away. You'll leave me for stages and parties, where women will fawn over you for your attention. You'll leave me at train stations and airports. You'll leave me for new countries and experiences. You wont be able to not leave me, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to hold a relationship together with such distances that are sure to appear between us. I'm damaged goods Alex. I've been told, and It's true. I let people down."

"_We're all fookin' damaged goods Rhea. We just have to make do with what we 'ave. Make mistakes, fall over an' break, then put ourselves back together again. Rhea, you're stronger than you think, Love. An' anyway it won't just be you holding it together. A relationship is a two way thing"_

I put my hand across my mouth to stop the sob that wanted to come forth, "Alex, I don't fucking deserve you."

"_Yes you do. You deserve so much better than me, but I'm willin' to give all I can to make it so you get the affection an' devotion you deserve. It's like that book you gave me. It's a new start, a new beginnin', a new world to explore an' write about. I want you to be there with me. I want to get to the day where the wine is jus' right, an' I can say those three small words._"

My mind flashed back to the note I had written, I had completely forgotten about it. He was my home away from home. A tear slid down my cheek.

"_You're my Dandelion an' Burdock girl Rhea. You're my muse. My new start._"

I sniffed again.

"R_hea, are you cryin'?_"

I swallowed and choked out, "No."

I could nearly hear him rolling his eyes at me, _"I don't think you're tellin' the truth._"

"Ugh fine. I am crying. I'm crying because you're so god damn….I don't even know what you are…You're just the best ok? Happy now?" I wiped my hands across my eyes. Where the hell were these tears coming from?

"_Well no, but yes at the same time. I think I'm gettin' through to you a bit. Rhea, since I left I've been watchin' paint dry just thinkin' of you._"

I gave a snotty sounding laugh, "Well I think you're exaggerating a bit there."

"_No, it's actually true. We 'ad a couple of the walls in the truck re-painted an' all I've been doin' is sitting, watchin' it dry and writin'._"

My heart skipped a beat, "You've been writing?"

"_Yeah._"

"Oh god."

"_What?_"

"It's actually real. This is all real." I had suddenly fallen into a state of shock.

He laughed and then there was a loud voice from his end of the line.

"_Matt? What the fook man_?"

There was what sounded like a scuffle from the other end of the line and then an unfamiliar voice said my name.

"_Rhea? It's Matt,_" There was another scuffle and heavy breathing filled the receiver, I pulled the phone away from my ear and frowned. What the fuck? "_No Al, just lemme say somethin' to 'er."_

"Matt? You alright?"

"Y_eah I'm fine, Al's just bein' a dick and not lettin' me speak to you so I'm gonna make this quick. Basically Al's been completely borin' and mopin' around. He needs you Rhea. He's jus' not the sort of guy who can cope with rejection, especially one from someone like you. So please, I'm beggin' ya, just come and see him, please._"

I suppose at the end of the day it was as simple as that, "Ok Matt, I'll be seeing you in February. In Paris."

"_You fookin' serious. It were as easy as that? I really don't know what Al was goin' on about._"

There was a noise from his end and then Alex's voice was again in my ear, "_Sorry 'bout that, he totally just like came up behin' me and took the phone off me."_

I giggled and then stopped abruptly. I had laughed more in this one phone call than I had in the last week.

"Alex, it's fine. So you still up for me coming to see you?"

There was complete and utter silence on the other end. I had the feeling his wasn't even breathing.

Finally he let out a breath, "_Yeah, I would like that very much_."

"Ok then, I'll be seeing you soon. You're playing at the L'Olympia place on Friday the 3rd aren't you?"

"_Yeah._"

"Well I'll meet you there, I wont be able to get there until later on, as I don't finish training until about three, and then I need to get the flight and so on."

"_Bloody 'ell. I can't believe this is actually happenin'. After what you said I thought that was it, it was over before it had begun._"

I smiled sadly. "Alex hunny, you're in deep now, there's no escaping."

"_I will never want to escape from you._"

"Hmm, we'll see. Alex?"

"_Yeah?_"

I swallowed and held myself a little tighter, "Alex, if...if you mess around with me, I...I won't, I don't think I will be able to get back up again. And I swear to god Alex, if you fuck around with my heart, it will take a long, long time for me to forgive you."

"_Rhea,_" His voice had gone low and soft, making me shiver, "_If I were with you right now I would kiss all your worries away. I would show you how much you mean to me. But I'm not. I'm halfway round the fookin' world so all I 'ave are words. I will never intentionally hurt you. Ever. I swear to god Rhea, you're too precious to me to hurt."_

"Ok." I didn't know what else to say.

"_Ok?_"

"Ok."

I bent my big toe and it clicked, "Alex, I really want to see you soon...I miss waking up to you, we had a little routine."

"_Yeah, it's funny after sharin' a bed with you for jus' two nights, it really got me into the habit of it. My bed on the bus is small, but seems empty."_

"Well my beds huge so imagine how I feel."

He chuckled and then shouted to someone. His voice was muffled and I deduced that he must have his hand over the speaker.

After a minute of shouting and a muffled bang, he returned back to me, "_I've gotta go__, when you called we were actually doin' a run through for the show tonight. Gotta get back to it now."_

The corners of my mouth turned down from where they had been in a small smile, "Oh, ok. Sorry, it's kinda awkward timing."

"_No, don't apologize. I'm so 'appy that you called, to be honest I wouldn't 'ave had the courage after...after that mornin' when you…"_

I picked up where he trailed off, "The morning where I was a total bitch to you."

"_Rhea there are bitches and then there are jus' people who get hurt and scared like you and they react to stuff._"

"Hmm, if you say so."

"_I do say so_."

"Oi you, thats my line."

"_If you say so_."

I couldn't help letting out a snort of laughter, "Anyway hun, I'll speak to you later, sometime. This bloody time difference is gonna get to me. Plus its just dawned on me how long we've been talking and how much thats going to cost me."

"_Don't worry about the cost love, it all goes to my phone and as you pointed out, I've got plenty of cash_."

I cringed when he said that, jeez, I could be so rash sometimes, "Ok, well, bye then."

"_Bye._"

There was a pause as each of us waited for the other to hang up.

"Alex? You still there?"

"_Yeah._"

"Hang up dick head."

"_No you hang up_."

I rolled my eyes, "Ok, this is getting way too corny for my liking. Goodbye, I'll speak to you later." Before I could change my mind I took the phone from my ear and ended the call. My back crunched as I put my phone back on the charger and I wished more than anything Alex was here to laugh at the noise. I settled back down into my blankets, and switched off the light. The blackness enveloped me in it's soft folds and instantly my eyelids started to droop.

_"You're my Dandelion and Burdock Girl Rhea…"_

_/\\_/\/\\_

The early morning sun woke me as it gently filtered through the gaps in my dark red curtains. I blinked slowly and then sat up with a jolt as I remembered the nights events. Throwing back my duvet, I jumped out of my bed, my legs still wobbly from sleep, and raced out of my room. I burst into the kitchen, to find Mam, Fey and Art at the table, in the various stages of eating breakfast.

They all looked up as I made my entrance, "You alright?" Fey said, a piece of toast halfway to her small rosebud mouth.

I nodded, a grin spreading across my face, "Guess what."

"What?"They were all looking at me know. A knowing smile came across Mam's face. She knew. Somehow.

_"I'm going to Paris!"_

My salvation lay in his love, I could feel it in my very being.

_"Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start"_

**Hey my lovelies, so I know not that much happens in this chapter, but it had to be done to move onto bigger and better places. Also just to let you know, as the chapters get longer and more complicated, it will probably take more time to write them, so please be patient with me :)**

**Thank you SO much for your reviews of the last chapter. I was literally crying the other day because of you guys. This is the first time I have ever written this sort of stuff, and the fact that a normal 15 year old girl can get such lovely and supportive reviews just astounds me. So again thank you, you make my days just that little bit brighter.**

**Sav x**


	11. You Got Me Baby, Are You Mine?

**-You Got Me Baby, Are You Mine?-**

_"I guess what I'm trying to say is I need the deep end_

_Keep imagining meeting, wished away entire lifetimes"_

_-3rd February 2012-_

I zipped my suitcase shut, hopefully for the final time, and stood up straight. So this was it. I was really doing it. My cab was due any minute and I was finally, finally, packed and ready to go. I was so fucking nervous my hands were shaking and I had to sit back down on the side of my neatly made bed. I had booked my flight to Paris as soon as was physically possible, and then waited for the time to come when I was to pack and start my journey to meet Alex. Today my mind had been completely accompanied by Alex, making my attention span extremely short, and let me tell you, I got shouted at more today than I have even in my entire time at Circus Space. My excuse was that it was the weekend, and I was looking forward to the break. Many of my teachers had given me a skeptical look, but had decided not to pry, knowing that my ability to shut them out was legendary. After the day had finished, I had rushed back home, triple checked my packing and called a taxi in preparation for my escape. I mean journey.

I looked out of my bedroom window and heard Jade's laughter as it floated up from downstairs. Jade had been brilliant in calming me down and helping me pack. As soon as I was back in London, I had phoned her up and apologized, telling her everything. She had told me off, as I knew she would, for pushing Alex away, but had also been sympathetic to my struggle and given me a huge hug when we had met the next day. She was now somewhere downstairs talking to Sally who had arrived a little while back. I had told Sally that I was just going to Paris to have a little break and she had insisted on paying for my taxi to Heathrow. I loved Sally a lot, she had been extremely supportive in my decisions, however she had the tendency to gossip, and right now I didn't want my life talked about with her multiple old lady friends.

My bedroom door opened and I looked up.

"You ready? Your cab just arrived." Jade said as she sat down next to me. Her frizzy blonde hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, small springs of hair arrowed out from her temples. She looked brilliant.

I nodded slowly and then jumped up, flicking my hair off my shoulder, "Yep. Help me take my stuff down will you?"

She shook her head at me, "Yes, of course, just, take a breath Rhea."

I raised my hands above my head and breathed in, letting the breath out as my arms came down. As soon as my hands were back down by my sides, I grabbed my black suitcase and bag, putting it over my shoulder.

I looked over behind me, back to where Jade was still sitting on my bed, "Come on lazy bum, grab that bag will you."

I turned back around and opened the door with my leather clad foot, stumbling through and out onto the landing. I made my way down the landing and then the stairs, into the hallway where Sally was waiting for me.

Sally was a tiny women who just about came up to my shoulder, she had a cloud of white and gray hair which she kept wazy, pulling it back with a couple pins. Her bright pink lips stretched into a smile, revealing strong white teeth, "Are you all packed Darling?"

I smiled gently back at her, hearing Jade coming down the stairs behind me, "Yes, although knowing me, I've probably forgotten something."

She nodded in agreement, her old face crinkling up in laughter. Sally turned and opened the door for me, revealing the waiting taxi. I walked out and the cab driver pulled open the boot for me, where I dumped my suitcase. I turned back out of the way as Jade placed my other small bag next to the it.

She opened her arms and I walked into them, wrapping my arms around her small waist. I nestled my face into her neck and breathed in her scent, feeling more relaxed than I had in days. It was all going to be ok. Just breathe Rhea.

"I love you Rhea, I'll miss you."

"Love you too Jade, like, so much."

I felt her laugh and then she pulled back, I moved away to give Sally a hug as well and then opened my door.

Sally and Jade stood together, arms round each others waists. They held their hands up and each gave me a little wave.

"See you guys." I got into the can and settled down on my seat, I was never very good at goodbyes.

"Ready?" The driver asked in a deep and gravelly voice.

"Yeah, thanks."

We set off, and I rested my head against the back of my seat. The time had finally come to put my issues aside and embrace something new. Someone new, in to my life. We had decided that I would stay for the weekend and catch a flight back early Sunday afternoon. They had shows every night that I was there, but I didn't mind at all. I loved concerts a lot, so much so, that I was sure that I had probably spent half of my lifes earning on concert tickets. Plus, since I would be watching the Arctic Monkeys, aka, one of my favorite bands, I would be pretty much in heaven.

The journey was only about half an hour but seemed to take an age. I swear the world slows down when you're in a hurry just to try and teach you patience. I wasn't really in a hurry to get to Alex, in fact I was kind of freaking out about seeing him, I was more worried about missing my flight. I was already going to miss part of their show at L'Olympia, and this annoyed me, so the thought of missing it all pissed me off. I had to be there to see him play. I had to reacquaint myself with him before I actually met him again. I was worried about how we would react towards each other when we say one another. Would we not be able to think of anything to say, would we have an awkward conversation...would we kiss? I suppose the only way to find out was to wait and see, yet my mind flickered through every scenario humanly possible.

I looked down at my legs which were clad in black wooly tights, it was still winter after all. Playing with the hem of my small blue and white striped dress, I bit my lip. It had took me a long time to decide what to take to wear. I wasn't really sure what was going to happen, ie would we go out, or just lounge around...would he be seeing me naked? To be on the safe side I had packed a bit of everything, so my suitcase was bulging. My excuse was that you had to have the right clothes for the right occasion, it was just a little thing of mine that had to be indulged.

After about 20 minutes the taxi stopped, and I gazed out at the huge building which now loomed above me. Every time I arrived at Heathrow Airport it took my breath away. There was something so modern and majestic about the glass and metal structure that made your heart do a little jump of pride at the human race. We sure could build some extraordinary places. And destroy them.

The cabbie got out of his seat and went to open the boot for me, as I opened my door and stepped out into the wind. It blew my loose hair all over my face, into my eyes and mouth. I grabbed it in one hand and shoved it under the collar of my leather jacket, hoping it would stay there long enough for me to get inside. The cabbie handed me my luggage and I got my purse out of my bag, handing him the agreed price for his services. I thanked him, grabbed the handle of my suitcase, made my way into Heathrow.

_/\\_/\/\\_

Ticket please Madame."

I handed the stewardess my ticket and looked at the door towards the airplane. Ok, so I traveled. A lot. And yet, I hated planes. A lot. They just did not make sense to me. How the fuck did a huge metal structure fly through the sky when it weighed bloody tonnes? I just didn't trust them, and would try and not fly in them anytime I could. However, with time being short I had put my personal preferences aside and booked the stupidly expensive ticket for a weekend in Paris. I sure hoped I wouldn't regret it.

"That'll be all, please make your way into the plane." Said the small women across the counter, handing me back my ticket.

I thanked her and moved on with my hand luggage, my legs going a little wobbly as I made my way down the tunnel. I swallowed, Rhea, you can do this, as soon as its flying you'll be ok.

Some how I got to my seat with no trouble, only a little trip into the metal container, and shoved my luggage into the space above my head. Just as I was about to sit down, I felt something bang into my leg, I looked down to see a small head of dark brown curls.

"Jake! Please be careful where you're going. There are too many people to run around sweetie."

I looked up to see a young woman sitting in the seat next to me, a baby clutched to her chest. She met my eyes, "I'm so sorry. Jake's used to a bit more space to run around than this."

Jake had now gone back to his mother's side, looking at me with wide dark eyes. I smiled down at him and then at the mother. I held out my hand, "I'm Rhea. Don't worry about it at all, I know exactly how he feels."

Her face cracked into a lovely smile which completely lit up her young face. She shook my hand, "I'm Maria. Thank you so much. You wouldn't believe how many people have shouted at him today. I swear people have no patience with small children these days.

I settled back in my seat, turning my head so that I could still see Maria, "I know right. It gets on my nerves how much they are expected to behave like adults."

I looked down at Jake who was clutching onto his mother's sleeve, inspecting me, "And how old are you?"

He looked up at his mum, who gave him an approving nod and then back at me, "Me two." He said, his voice babyish and high pitched. My heart gave a little squeeze as my older sister syndrome kicked in.

"Really? Are you looking forward to flying on this airplane?" I indicated the plane around us.

He shook his head, his smooth forehead puckering up into a frown, "No, me don't like the feeling' in me stomach."

I smiled down at him and nodded, "I know the feeling, I don't like flying at all."

He stared at me and was about to say something when he was interrupted by the speaker somewhere in the plane announcing our departure. Oh god.

Maria lifted Jake into his seat and fastened his seatbelt and then did the same to herself, holding the baby to her chest. I was dying to see it's face, but it was turned the other way. Maria noticed me looking at the baby and smiled, "This here is Alice, she was born a couple months ago."

I clapped my hand across my mouth, I adored babies, "Oh my god. If you need any help over the course of the journey looking after her, or Jake, just let me know."

I could now see the dark bags under Maria's eyes and the way her eyelids drooped slightly, "I am sure I will use your offer somewhere along the journey." She said, smiling gently.

And she did. Not long after we took flight, Jake came and sat on my lap while I read him story and Maria napped. It turned out they were heading back to see Maria's french husband, Phillip, who lived in Paris, as they were returning from seeing Maria's family. I told her as little as I could about my plans, only that I was going away for the weekend for a break. She had accepted this story without question, and I was glad. She carried on to tell me more about her husband. Apparently he traveled all round the world for his job, she confessed that many times she had considered leaving him as she hated him leaving, but she had stayed. Why you might ask? Because at the end of the day, he was her everything and she his. After Maria had told me this, my mind ran from one thought to another, thinking about being left again and again by Alex. Would I be able to take it? I wondered on this until Jake demanded another story be read to him. For the rest of the flight I sat with Jake and entertained him until he eventually fell asleep on me after about half an hour. I plugged my headphones into my phone and flicked through my albums, one of my arms holding Jake to my chest. What to listen to? There was only one thing for it. It was time to get up to date, again, on the Arctic Monkeys music. I pressed on Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not and leant back against my headrest, the first chords of The View From the Afternoon gracing my ears with it's melodie.

_/\\_/\/\\_

I was awakened by a squirming on my lap, and then a sudden painful feeling in my ear as my earphones was yanked from my ear hole. It seemed that Suck It and See's calm songs had made me fall asleep. I looked down to see that Jake had woken up as well and had my earphone wire in his small hand as he frowned up at me.

I blinked, "Hey…" I said quietly, my voice soft as you never knew what mood a toddler was in after they had woken up.

"I want food." He said, pointing towards Maria, who was still fast asleep, the baby also still out for the count.

Before I could answer there was a squeak as the speakers came to life, proclaiming that we would in fact be landing in Paris in a minute. "Please fasten your seat belts"

The noise of the speaker and the sudden movement around her, woke Maria. As soon as she had rubbed her eyes, she looked around wildly until she spotted Jake on my lap. Jake saw that she had woken and slid off my lap, toddled over to her, where she picked him up and plopped im in his seat. After she had fastened him in she turned back to me, "Has he been alright?"

I stretched my arms above my head and yawned, "Yeah, he's been a little angel, tell you the truth though, we've both been asleep most of the time."

Maria smiled and ruffled Jakes hair, "Yeah, the travel has definitely taken its toll on us all."

I nodded in agreement and then wrapped my arms around my stomach in a vain attempt of holding my innards together as we made our descent. I started to quietly chant the true names of every muscle in my body, trying to take my mind off the fact that we were hurtling towards earth in a metal object.

When we finally landed, with a rather big bump, and a loud grind, I breathed a sigh of relief and released myself from my own death drip. I heard Maria also breathe a sigh of relief next to me and gave her a smile that plainly said, "I hear you sister."

The plane came to a halt and the entire carriage of people burst into movement, the clicking of seat belts being unfastened echoed round the room. I undid mine and stood up, pulling on my jacket that I had taken off earlier, then reached up and dragged my my bags out from above me. They came down with a thump, nearly landing on my head, but I lurched to the side just in time. Just as I turned around I became aware of a small presence near my legs. I looked down to see the now familiar mop of brown hair at my thighs.

"Bye Rhea." Jake said, his voice quavering slightly as his mouth moved around the unfamiliar name.

I bent down and wrapped my arms around him, feeling my heart flutter as he did the same, "Bye bye sweetie, you take care yeah?"

"Yeah." He broke free and ran back to his mother side.

I leant back as two old ladie bustled past, and then walked forwards to give Maria a farewell hug, "Bye, it was lovely meeting you and your adorable children."

"You too." She said as she gave me a one armed hug as she was holding Alice with the other.

After a few more parting words were said, I gave them one last wave and made my way out of the plane and into Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport, aka, Roissy Airport. I submerged deep into myself as I walked in the bustling crowd passengers. I only became fully aware again when I was standing just outside of the exit to the airport, the warm wind whirling around me, whispering in my ear. I walked to a line of taxi's and tapped on the window of one, the burly french man inside looked up from his newspaper and went to open his door. I quickly stepped back out of his way as the big man vacated his vehicle. Now there was quite few things Alex didn't know about me, some important, some not. One of them was that I spoke fluent French. In circus, one of the biggest countries that has the biggest and best school's is France, so basically if you want to get into any of the big schools or companies, it helps a lot to know french. Plus, they will literally refuse to teach in any other language except French, so go figure. To say the least I was extremely happy that I knew it now.

The cabbie opened the boot of his taxi and motioned for me to put my bag and suitcase in, which I did so, keeping my shoulder bag with me. I thanked him and got into the back while he walked to the drivers side and sat down.

"L'Olympia, 28 Boulevard des Capucines, 75009 Paris, s'il vous plait Monsieur."

He nodded, "D'accord.", and turned back to the wind screen, turning the engine on. It came on with a slight rumble which filled the car and blocked out the sound of the wind that danced round the car.

I leant back and looked out of the window at the darkening sky, the clouds were huge and fluffy, reminding me of sitting on the duvet with Alex. Seriously, the smallest things made me think of him, it was kind of ridiculous, and yet there was certainly worst thing you could think about. I looked at the time, Alex had said that they were on at seven pm. It would take around forty minutes for the taxi to get to L'Olympia, and by then they would have been on stage for a good amount of time. Oh well, at the end of the day, I would be seeing him soon, but then again, not soon enough. My body ached to be held by his, my hands twitched in preparation to hold his, my lips tingled in the hope of touching his. Jesus, I was already turning into a lovesick fool, then again, what did I expect? This was Alex we were talking about here, you would be a fool not to see his almost perfection. I had been a fool, and I still regretted it, I only hoped I could make him believe how sorry I was for the horrible things I said. We had texted and phoned each other a bit, but we were both so insanely busy and the time difference had been a right bugger, we had barely had much connection over the last week or two. I missed him so much it would surprise me out of my daily routine, making me stop and just realise it was all real all over again. That man take my breath away, and right at the bottom of my heart I hoped I had the same affect on him, because if I didn't, this was going to fuck up so bad.

The lights of Paris flew by blurring in the rain that had now began to pour from the heavens. People walked and ran along the streets, together or alone, bathed in the light of the city. Ever since I had been here when I was younger just for those few hours, Paris had stuck in my head like a glowing light of suggestion. There was something hidden in the lights and the people, the small back alleys and the artistic spirit, that called to me as though it was my home. I could never really explain it to anybody, nobody understood what I meant, so I had kept it to myself, and now, here I was, in a country that seemed as much my home as home, going to meet him. They say that perfection does not exist, but in my books this was as close as it got.

We stopped at a traffic light, and I gazed out at a couple on the pavement, arms around each other. They were young, but on the verge of middle life, the way they stood portrayed such comfort and familiarity that it made my chest hurt. Would Alex and I be like that, or would the flower die before it had seen a second Summer? I reminded myself that the only way to find out was to wait and see, but still my hands shook and I looked away as the taxi moved forwards again. Raindrops slid down the window, leaving silvery memories of them in their wake.

Alex had came into my crazy world like a cool and calm river, washing away my hurts and losses, and yet pulling up old injuries that I had hid just under the river bed. How I loved and hated him for showing me things I thought I had lost. To be honest though, I think I had done the same to him.

The taxi came to a halt outside a brightly lit building.

"Nous sommes ici Madame."

We are here indeed. As I looked out of the murky window, I could see 'Arctic Monkeys' and 'Miles Kane' lit brightly by red lights on a huge billboard over the doorway to what I presumed was L'Olympia. There was quite a few people milling about outside, and even what seemed to be a few police standing guard. I wondered if this was just the usual thing or if maybe they were here as an extra precaution against AM fans.

I jumped out of the cab, adrenalin suddenly coursing through my veins. The driver was already out, rounding his shoulders slightly against the now gentle rain that fell from above us. He held my suitcase while I fished in my bag for my purse and got out the appropriate amount of Euro's. We traded the suitcase and money, then said farewell to each other. After the cab had drove away, I just stood there for a while and stared up at the lights, the rain falling softly around me. The building that loomed above me was tall and elegant, like an old fashioned countess, its walls were made out of white stone which was carved beautifully. I moved my suddenly stiff limbs towards the entrance and through the doors into the lobby. The plush red carpet gave way under my feet as I made my way to the desk that was at the far end of the long room. The lobby was all rich reds and dark wood, couches were dotted around the place and posters were stuck up every now and again on the cream walls.

When I arrived at the desk, I brushed my damp hair over my shoulder and smiled at the middle aged woman who sat behind the dark wooden counter. "Hello, I've come here to meet Alex Turner. He's playing here with his band here, the Arctic Monkeys..." I said hesitantly, I was still getting into the habit speaking in French.

She stood up and went to shake my hand, "Ah yes, I have been warned of your arrival."

Relief coursed through me. Alex had said he would alert the staff here of my arrival and have a backstage pass ready for me, but still I worried. I widened my eyes slightly, "Oh no. That doesn't sound too good." I said jokingly.

She laughed and ducked down, reappearing with what looked like a pass for me, "No no, he seemed very excited about seeing you." She gave me a knowing look as she walked round to my side.

I blushed and looked down at my leather clad feet, "Well I hope so."

"Believe me, I know a young man in love when I see one."

I looked back up at her and took the pass which she handed me, "In love? Maybe"

Looking down at the small card, I saw that it was red and had my name, 'Rhea Lovelock VIP' written across the front. Fancy.

I shoved it in the pocket of the small jean shorts I was wearing under my dress. The dress was kinda short and I didn't really want to give anybody an eyeful if I bent over, hence the shorts.

The women watched me with a twinkle in a her light brown eyes and then gestured towards my luggage, "Would you like me to take care of that until you will be needing it?"

I nodded enthusiastically, "Yes please, that would be great, thank you"

I helped her put them just behind the desk, taking out my phone from my bag and putting it in my pocket as I did so. She said that I could pick them up when I left. I thanked her again and then she asked my to follow her.

I did so, walking to some stairs across the almost deserted lobby, "Now I'm not going to show you backstage as it's all very dark around there and you will probably get in the way. Anyway, you'll get a better view from the balcony."

I decided not to inform her that I was used to be being behind stage, and followed her up two flights of stairs. When we finally came to a landing, I could just about hear the bass of music and the scream of the crowd.

Margaret, she had told me her name on the way up, had stopped just outside of some thick looking double doors, "Before we go in I was told to tell you that at the either side of the balcony there are doors that lead directly backstage, so just go down those when the show has ended."

I nodded, and she pushed open one of the doors releasing the smell and noise of a good concert. I walked in behind her, to be blinded by flashing lights and almost deafened by the ending notes of what sounded like Brianstorm. I looked around to see waving arms and bobbing heads. The overwhelming smell of body odours swan around me in the thick air, but I didn't mind. All I cared about was his voice, it broke through the shouts and screams of the crowd like a knife and I stumbled on something on the floor as Margaret and I pushed our way to the front of the balcony.

"Thank you Paris! 'ow's everybodeh doin' upstairs, thats what I really wanna know?" Alex said, sounding slightly out of breath. I could just about see him now as he gazed up towards the balcony giving the people around me a wave. They went crazy and I was jostled into Margaret just as we got to the front of the crowd. She tapped me on the shoulder and indicated that she was going to leave, I nodded and mouthed thank you again. As soon as she turned to go I swung my head round to look at Alex, and gasped. Jesus, he looked so fucking good. He was still waving up at people around me, his quiff was messy and sweat made his face shine in the lights. He was wearing a black shirt with two red roses on each shoulder, and to be honest I don't think I had seen anything more sexy in my entire life. I leant over the side of the balcony, my hair falling in my face. Reaching up, I pulled it out of the way, squashing it into a bun with the hair bobble on my wrist. This movement caught his eye, and he seemed to squint up at me. His eyes widened and I grinned, then put my finger to my puckered lips, giving him a wink. He smirked and I felt my insides squirm as he held my gaze and then turned away to look at the crowd at his feet.

"And 'ows everybodeh downstairs?" He said, his voice going deep and growly as he stretched out the last word. The crowd below me went wild in answer to his question.

"Alright then, lets play The View From the Afternoon ladies and gentlemen…" He trailed off as he readied his hands on the guitar that hung on his body. He strummed the electric guitar, the lights flashing and he started to head bang to the music. I went a little week at the knees as I watched him play. I swear when he got off the stage I was going to, well I wasn't actually sure, but it was going to be something big.

Throughout the song I could feel his eyes on me and after a while I wasn't just feeling hot from the body heat around me. When The View From the Afternoon had finished Alex took a swig of his drink and then jumped up onto the podium that Matt resided on like a king looking over his domain. The crowd below me moved like disturbed water as Alex bent down and said something into Matt's ear. Matt's face cracked into a smile and he glanced up to where I was standing, his eye skimmed over me, and I remembered that he actually had no idea what I looked like. They exchanged a few more words and then as if by unspoken consent, Alex jumped off the podium and the sounds of I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor filled the place.

The show carried on without a hitch as they played classic after classic monkey tunes, Brick by Brick, This House is a Circus (that made me laugh) and Still Take You Home. I completely got into it and danced and sang with the rest of the people that swarmed around me, and all the time his eyes were on me and mine were on him. My heart gave a little squeeze when Miles came out onto stage after Still Take You Home and they played one of my personal favorites, Little Illusion Machine (Wirral Riddler). The way they performed on stage together was just extraordinary. The little glances and touches made me really see for the first time the strong relationship between the two of them, they were truly like brothers and it warmed my heart.

Miles left the stage just before the song ended, while Alex did a bit of solo guitar that made me lick my lips in delight. They then played Pretty Visitors which I sang along to, line by line, and lapped up the almost rapping Alex. I loved Pretty Visitors just for the fact that it was so different to any of their other stuff. The way Alex sang it was just brilliant, considering a normal person struggled getting their mouth around the tongue twisting lyrics. After they had finished, Alex dedicated the next song to all the girls, which made all the women and girls in the room scream,and I was not ashamed to say that I screamed too. Although I did have an excuse as, as Alex talked, he looked straight up to where I was standing. Our eyes met across the room and the whole place seemed to disappear, I was completely submerged in his hot gaze. He broke the eye contact to play the first chords of Suck It and See. I was pretty sure that years later I would still tell the story of this moment.

I was happily staring dreamily at Alex as he sang away about kisses that could crease the rain and shangri la girls, and then he started to sing the chorus for the third time.

_"Suck it and see you, you never know, sit next to me before I go, jigsaw women with horror movie shoes..."_

He looked up and met my gaze again, "_...Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you, Rhea.._"

It took a moment for it to sink in and then I froze my gentle swaying and stared at him, but by he had turned away, back to the crowd. I brought my hand to my mouth, tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Do not cry Rhea, do not cry. I took a big breath and gulped, holding back the tears. You are here to enjoy yourself, not get all soppy because he sang your name, I told myself. How could I ever have doubted him? If that wasn't a pretty big declaration of affection, then I didn't know what love was anymore. The shock didn't wear off until halfway through the next song, Do Me a Favour, and by then I was in a kind of dreamy state, my eyes never leaving Alex.

I was shocked when Richard Hawley came on and I saw the the likeness between him and Alex. It made me giggle the way they both had a quiff, although you could say Richard's was a little outdated, considering he now had a receding hairline, although his still sang with all the vigour of his youth.

Watching Alex on stage was so different to anything I had ever experienced. There is certainly a difference between hungering after an artist at a concert and then just going home, to knowing that after they have come off stage you will be able to see them, to touch them, to talk to them. To be honest, now I think back on the days spent in Alex's company, I wasn't sure how it happened, I suppose I let down my guard. I swore I would never fall for someone like this again, and yet I had fallen hard. I guess I should have seen it coming, but it caught me by surprise, I wasn't looking where I was going and I fell into his dark eyes.

The last song they played was, predictably, 505, accompanied by Miles, and I'm not ashamed to say that I did in fact cry. There is just something about that song that catches you unawares, and makes you re-think a lot of things. It made my chest ache and tears fall from my eyes as I watched my man on stage, singing his heart out. When an artist writes lyrics you forget just how personal they can be, as they come straight from the heart. You are lulled into the illusion that they don't mean much by crap bands and songs that have been written by 10 people. With 505, I suppose I felt like I saw straight into Alex's heart and life, the lyrics are so raw and simple you would have to be made out of stone for the words not to prick your heart.

The last tones of the song trickled away into the air and they waved goodbye. The crowd screamed, but I didn't hear them, as Alex vacated the stage. This was it, it was time to see him. An urgency I didn't know I possessed took over me and I pushed my way along the balcony, past sweaty bodies and loud voices that washed over me. I almost fell over feet and chairs, and god knows what else, but nothing could really stop me as I half ran, half stumbled to the doors leading down to the stage. I finally got there, panting, sweat making the fine hairs stick to my damp skin, my mouth dry. I now saw that to access the stage you had to swipe a card. I momentarily panicked and then remembered my VIP card thingy. Yanking it out of my pocket, I swiped it and a small light on the device turned green, allowing me entrance. I pushed the thick door open and was blinded by a brightly lit stairway that was completely white except for the black stairs that lead down, down to him. My boots squeaked on the slippery surface of the stairs, as I flew down them, my eyes wide, trying not to fall. When I got to the bottom, there was one small black door, I stopped just outside it, took a deep breath and then pushed it open. Complete darkness. My eyes slowly adjusted, and I could now see people walking about in the small corridor backstage, carrying guitars, amps and various other things. I walked in slowly and squinted up the hallway at the figures trying to see if I recognised any. Where was he? I was just about to despair when a soft light was turned on, gently lighting up the space.

And then I saw him. And he saw me. We just looked at each other for a minute. He held a small white towel in his left hand and a bottle of water in the other. Without breaking eye contact he slowly put them on the floor and stood back up, his entire expression was complicated, his face a book in a language I didn't yet understand. I could take it no longer and I ran. I ran towards him and into his open arms, jumping and wrapping my legs around his waist, feeling his strong arms wind around me, holding me to him. I met his eyes, and then leant forwards and our lips met. He tasted of tequila and cigarette smoke, and smelled of sweat and spice. My whole body vibrated with energy and I was barely aware of him pressing me up against a wall and slowly letting me slide down to my feet. My hands found his face and hair, stroking and caressing, familiarizing themselves with the feel of him. He was all around me. His hands were felt hot through my one layer of clothing, and I longed to feel them on my skin. His lips on mine were gently pushing mine open and our tongues met. I opened my mouth more and moaned quietly, Jesus fucking christ, this is how wanted to be forever, with him. We finally broke apart, gasping, and Alex's mouth moved to my neck, sending tingles all down my body. I was vaguely aware of eyes on us, but paid no heed. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered except him. I inhaled sharply as his lips found the spot behind my ear, and my knees gave way slightly.

Without thinking really thinking about it, I spoke the words that had been in my head for days, "Alex, you got me baby, are you mine?"

He stilled, and then moved his mouth right next to my ear, I closed my eyes, "Always."

He moved his head, and I opened my eyes again to meet his.

In this world we are surrounded by all of these lies and people who talk too much. He now had got the kind of look in his eyes, as if no one knew anything but us. I suppose at the end of the day we are only dreamers, and I'm only dreaming of him. Alex, you are, and always will be, my dream.

_"Your love is like a studded leather headlock_

_Your kiss it could put creases in the rain"_

**So there you go! I dont know about you, but I know that all I'm thinking, is about fucking time! I really hope this lived up to your expectations of the first kiss, teehee, and I haven't let you down.**

**Also, I said in the last chapter about being patient and I just wanted to say I wasn't saying it because people were being impatient, it was more just warning to you guys that it may take longer for me to write the chapters.**

**Thank you again for the brilliant and just incredibly inspiring reviews! Sav x**


	12. It'll Be Alright, I Promise

**-It'll Be Alright, I Promise-**

_"Well you cured my January blues_

_Yeah you made it all alright_

_I got a feeling I might have lit the very fuse_

_That you were trying not to light"_

_-4th February 2012-_

Do you ever have those mornings where you can't remember anything? It's like nothing exists, you have no memories. There are no endings, beginnings, yesterdays, todays, or tomorrows. All you have is right then, in that moment. In that moment of appsalute purity and bewilderment you are nothing and everything. Well that's how I felt when I woke up. I lay there in complete nothingness, feeling sleep gently slip away to the back of my mind.

I slowly became more aware that I was in fact human, and awake. I also became aware of the hand. On my thigh. My very naked thigh. I snapped open my eyes and saw, well I couldn't really work out what it was. I pulled back my head a bit, my eyes taking in the thing in front of me. I squinted and saw it was just Alex's neck, fine stubble shadowed it and his face. His breathing was slow and deep, far away from me in another world, dreaming. I now realised that I was curled into his body, my bare leg in between his, what felt like, jean clad legs, my arms pulled up between our chests. Talking of chest's, Al's was completely bare, my hands pressed flat up against it. Now I was aware of my body's where abouts, thoughts and memories started to stumble and fall into my consciousness, pictures, emotions and conversations whirled around my head.

I remembered now. After we had kissed, although that seemed to barely cover what we had shared, I met the rest of the band. They were, as I predicted, genuinely some of the most well mannered, funniest and loveliest group of guys I have ever met. I also met Miles and Richard, although Richard had to leave pretty soon afterwards to catch a flight. At first I could tell they all eyed me with a bit of well hidden suspicion, but I didn't take it personally, god know's they had a right to. Who knows how many people had come into their tight knit circle, then turned out to be leeches who sucked all they could out of their achievements. I didn't blame them, to be honest I would be a bit worried if they didn't view me with at least the smallest amount of suspicion.

While I chatted with them all, Alex's arm around me the whole time, Breanna and Katie both appeared to remind Matt and Jamie that they had planned a double date that night. Jamie and Matt had given them the puppy dog eyes, and they had relented, suggesting that we all go out together for something to eat and a drink. So thats what we did, except we ended up drinking a lot more than we ate.

We had made a quick stop at the hotel where they were all staying, which was just a 3 minute walk up the street from L'Olympia, so that the guys could change their clothes and I could drop my stuff off in Alex's room. It ended up that Matt had, had to bang on Alex's door to get us to hurry up, Alex had grabbed me from behind as soon as we had entered his room and we had been completely engrossed in each other until Matt had reminded us that he was "Fookin' starvin'.". Alex had quickly threw on a white shirt and his blue leather jacket, grabbed my hand and we had ran downstairs to meet the rest of them. After we had, had a delicious meal at some cafe/restaurant place down the road, we had made our way to a club that was about 10 minutes drive from L'Olympia. It had been extremely loud and full to the brim with young people, a Friday night in Paris, it was extraordinary. After we got there, we got straight down to the drinking, having a few shots each and then us three girls hit the dance floor. We tried to persuade the guys to join us but they all refused except Miles, they said they were happy to watch and make sure that other men kept their hands off us. We had laughed and turned to go Miles swinging his arm over Breana's shoulders, however Alex had grabbed me from behind, pulling me in for a rough kiss. We had only broke apart when Breana grabbed one of my arms and said there would be plenty of time for that later. After that everything got a little blurry. I remember walking back to Alex, having more to drink and dragging him out to dance. Then after that it was just flashes of memory. Dancing, shots, cigarettes and lights. Kisses, sweat, touches, dark corners that hid us from the light.

From that moment onward it was near complete blackness except for the remembrance of the feeling of hands on my body and lying in a bed. Disappointment coursed through me. I really hoped we hadn't slept together, like that. I wanted our first time to be, well, I wanted to completely sober, I wanted to remember it at least.

I did a quick assessment of how my body felt. My head was pounding slightly, but my body felt relaxed, nothing ached or was sore. It seemed that it wasn't telling me that I had, had sex, so I assumed, and hoped, we had just gone to sleep. Or maybe done other stuff, but my mind refused to go there when I was pressed up against him. Talking of Alex, his hand had now slipped higher up my leg, and I realised that I was actually resting my head on his other arm.

I slowly moved my head away from him, and extracted my leg from his grasp, our skin stuck together for a second and then we were apart. I squinted around the room, everything was bright colours and right now I wished for my thick curtains at home, at least they were sympathetic to people that drank too much.

Feeling a cold breeze to my left, I looked to see soft linen curtains billowing slightly in the breeze from what I guessed to be an open window. Moving as quietly and smoothly as a hungover person can, I put my feet on the floor and made to stand up, the duvet falling off my body. Only then did I become aware of what I was wearing. Or rather what I wasn't wearing. I was literally in just my underwear. I glanced back at Alex who was still asleep, his face half buried in the pillow on my side of the bed, the rest of the bed stretched out for miles behind him. I stayed looking at him, taking in the slightly puckered lips and the soft rise and fall of his bare chest that just poked out from under the covers. He looked completely sure of himself, lying there, with nothing to bother him except the dreams that I could see gently dancing across his face.

I stood up and the room span slightly, making me sway, and scrunch my eyes up. Ok, so I was a little more than just hangover, I was tired. What time had we gone to bed last night? I looked around the room to see my clothes in a pile that looked like someone who had, had too much too drink had tried to be tidy. I glanced again at Alex, still asleep. Taking small steps, I walked towards the white curtains and towards the light, gently brushing them aside when I got there. The light from outside filled my vision and I was blind, my head screaming in pain. I clamped my eyes shut and then opened them slowly, letting them get used to the light. When they had finally got their vision back I moved forwards onto the tiny balcony that was just outside the two french doors. The chill from outside hit my bare skin and made me shiver, yet my senses seemed to become fully awake as I gazed down at the street below me. For a minute I simply looked, taking in my surroundings.

It was like some old fashioned French film. A few people walked along the street below me, cream coloured buildings loomed up above them and across from me. Everything screamed wealth and it was so god damn beautiful. A few small trees lined the street, their naked branches reaching up to the over cast sky. I shivered again, the cold creeping into my bones.

"Rhea?"

I gasped slightly as he called my name. Turning around quickly, I shut the glass door and pulled the linen curtains out of the way, but kept them up against my body, letting them cover my almost nakedness. Alex was sitting up, leaning on one arm, rubbing his face with the other. He looked up as I pulled the cloth away from the window, and a small smile of relief stumbled sleepily onto his face.

My lip's twitched, "Hey."

He lay back down and pulled the covers up to his chin, so only his head peaked above it, "What are you doin'?"

I jerked my head in the direction of the window behind me, "Just having a breath of fresh air." I was kind of nervous now about my nakedness. Sure my underwear covered all the 'important' bits, but I suddenly felt naked, physically and emotionally. What the hell had we done last night?

"'ave you finished?" He said, his eyes shining.

I frowned slightly, "Finished what?"

"'aving some fresh air."

I nodded, still keeping the cloth around my body.

He sat up again, leaning up against the headboard, letting the duvet fall to his waist. I averted my eyes. Keep it together Rhea.

"Well then, I'm ready." A mischievous smile lit up his face.

I couldn't help smiling back, even though I had no idea what he was talking about, "For what?"

He shook his head at me, his hair falling into his eyes, he brushed it away, "Well, for my mornin' kiss of course."

I couldnt help it and I laughed out loud, letting it fill me up. Sobering, I gazed at him for a second. Fuck it. Yanking the curtain aside, I dashed towards the bed, leaping at the last minute so I landed just on Alex's legs. He brought up his hands and placed them around my back, pulling my forward. I rested my hands on the wall behind him, so that I stopped just before I reached his mouth.

I cocked my head to one side, "What's the magic word?"

He rolled his eyes and brought his face closer to mine, just so our noses touched, running his hands up my back. Our eyes met, and I sucked in a breath, my stomach filling with butterflies.

"Please?"

I pretended to consider this for a minute, but Alex had, had enough. He moved his hands to the back of my neck and brought our faces together, my chest touching his. Our lips touched, and I couldn't help but smile into the kiss, his lips curled up on mine, and he laughed quietly into my mouth. I pulled back, and then gave him one last peck. Crawling off his lap, I pulled the duvet aside, and slid back underneath it, the heat from his body instantly started to warm me.

"Jesus Rhea, you're freezin'" Alex said, as he wrapped his arms around me.

I turned into them and brought my lips to his neck, letting them brush up against his skin, while I talked, "Yeah, well thats what happens when you go outside in only your underwear."

He shivered slightly at the touch of my mouth and I smirked. Yeah, I still got it. "May I ask why I'm wearing next to nothing?"

"Well, when we came back last night you were, like, complainin' about bein' really hot or summet, so I undressed you…" He trailed off and then started again, "I can't really remember much, but I know nothin' 'appened, you were very tired."

Relief coursed through me. I slowly dragged my teeth across Alex's neck, tasting salt on the tip of my tongue, he pulled me closer, "I'm glad nothing happened, like that." I stopped and brushed my lips against his, then started again, "I want to at least be able to remember it…" I trailed off, and closed my eyes as his lips dragged down my cheek.

"Oh Rhea…" He pushed my back onto the bed, the mattress sagging beneath our combined weight. I lifted my head up and gasped as he kissed my neck. I couldn't think of anything to say. I was idiotically entranced by the way he said 'Rhea'. The tone of it. The way his lips formed the vowels. The timbre of his voice stuck in my head like music. He was like a song I had heard when I was a little kid, but forgot I knew until I heard it again.

Alex had now moved downwards towards my belly, I arched my back, my eyes fluttered closed. The stillness of the room was filled with my gasps. If this was how I was going to be with him, there would be nothing left of me afterwards except a pile of ashes.

The silence was suddenly broken by the my belly gurgling in protest. Alex stopped, his face still pressed against my skin, laughter filled the air as he chuckled. I relaxed and let out a giggle. Trust me to ruin a moment like this for food, but then again, my love for food was extremely strong. Alex lent up to so that he was straddling my waist, and grinned down at me.

I laughed, "Well, the stomach has spoken. I'm sorry, but I must comply to its needs."

He brought his hands to his chest as if he had been wounded, "And what 'bout my needs?"

I spread my hands, "Well I think you can wait, because if I don't eat, your needs will never we tended to. I'm sorry, I just feel like I am filled with air at the moment, if I don't eat soon, I will actually expire."

He groaned and rolled off me to my right, landing on the bed with a thump. He made a noise of pain, and brought his hand up to his head, "Ah, my head…"

I looked at him, and rolled my eyes, "Well, in case you haven't noticed, when you drink a lot, you get a hangover the next morning." I said sweetly, pushing the hair off his forehead. He caught my hand in his and brought it to his lips.

"You're mistaken. I never get hangovers." He said grandily.

I snorted, "Bullshit.", and pulled my hand out of his, leaning over him and then lying over his chest sideways. Stretching out my hand I grabbed what looked like a small menu off the side table. I squirmed back to my side and rested my head on Alex's chest.

"So on a scale of one to ten, how hungry are you?"

I felt him sigh, "We're actually goin' to eat?"

I rolled my head to the side and looked up at him, "Yes Al, we are actually going to eat, and then I need a shower because I feel like that club last night is still all over me.

I ran my hands through my bed hair, and came to a sticky spot at the end of one of the strands. I sniffed it. Vodka and pineapple. Ew, I hate vodka.

Groaning in disgust, I sat up, throwing the menu in his direction, " I have Vodka in my hair. Great."

I threw the duvet off me, no longer caring about my nakedness, and stood up, stretching my arms above my head. I could feel his eyes rake over me.

"You're temptin' my patience."

Looking over my shoulder, meeting his hot eyes, I gave him a wink, "Remember, patience is a virtue."

He slid back down into the bed and pulled a pillow over his face, "Fook virtues."

I leant down and swiped what looked like a grey hoodie from off the floor, "Please don't. Now you're with me, I'm afraid I'm the only one you can fuck." I said this as I pulled the hoodie up and over my head, shoving my arms down the sleeves. It smelled of him and I took a breath, closing my eyes.

"What did you just say?"

I turned round to where Alex was staring at me from his nest of the covers. I got down onto my hands and knees, and padded towards him across the bed, "I said," I brought my face close to his, "The only one you can fuck, is me. Got it?"

He swallowed, his eyes moved to my lips. I brushed them up against his and he his hands wound into my hair. After a little while I pulled back, and reached my hand up to cup his face, "Now, can you order some food? I'm just going to go to the loo."

I crawled back off the bed, standing and walking towards the door at the other side of the room. I opened it, and shut it quietly behind me. The room I was in now was a sort of lounge/kitchen. Big windows rose up to the ceiling on one side so that they looked out across the street to the opposite buildings, while a couple of couches and a chair were arranged around a small fire place. There was a desk in one corner and a TV rested on another table next to it. There was a bunch of red roses in a vase on a small table near the door that lead out to the landing. When I had come here with Alex last night I had barely taken in the room, as I was more occupied with kissing him than anything else. Now as I looked around the room, I felt very far away from home. I wasn't used to this...this wealth. Sure they were only staying for a night or two, but still this must be costing a fortune, it was a four star hotel after all.

My toes curled into the thick cream rug underneath me as I made my way to another door across the room. I pushed it open and gasped at what lay before me. It was a huge bathroom, complete with jacuzzi and a claw footed bath. I shut the door behind me, the click from the latch cut through the grand room before me, it was nearly the size of my bedroom for fucks sake. I walked over to the giant mirror that took over much of the wall to my left, underneath it were two identical sinks, complete with gold taps. I looked in the mirror and gasped in shock. Jesus, I looked awful. There was bags under my eyes, left over make up smudging them darker, my lips were swollen looking and red, and was that a spot? I ran the cold tap and cupped the water in my hands, letting it run through my fingers. Taking a breath, I splashed the water on my face, letting it shock me awake. I opened my eyes, watching the rivulets run off my face. Rubbing at the make up under my eye, it revealed much lighter skin underneath the black stuff, I wiped until there was none left. Grabbing a white towel that hung next to me, I brushed off the last bits of water on my face and then leant up against the sink, breathing hard.

I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, letting this happen. Shit. Deep in my heart I knew I was going to be ok, we were going to ok, but on the surface old fears lay waiting like snipers ready to shoot me with doubt whenever they got a chance. I rubbed my hand across my face and sighed, I was not going to think of this today, I was going to enjoy as much time as I could with him before he left. Before I left. I gulped back a whimper of despair and half ran out of the room, not bothering to shut the door as I went. I shoved open the door back into the bedroom, my eyes wildly searching for him. He was standing at the window, holding the curtain aside as he gazed out towards the real world. Smoke curled from the last bit of a fag in his hand, a car honked and I could now now hear the hum of the city around us. Life moving forwards, alway moving.

"Alex?"

He jerked round as if he had just woken up, letting the curtain sway back into place, "What?"

"Catch me."

He through the cigarette butt out of the window, and I ran, he opened his arms, his face splitting into a gorgeous smile. Jumping, I wrapped my legs and arms around him, nestling my head in his neck, and breathing in his scent. He held me by my bare thighs, and I hooked my feet together behind his back.

"You alright love?" I could smell the smoke on his breath.

"Hmm, yeah…" I said in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he could hear me. But of course he could, he could everything I heard.

We stayed like this for a little while, ok to just be with each other. We didn't need anything or anybody else. A life is measured by moments like these.

Our moment was eventually broken when there was a 'ding dong' from the direction of the door. Alex gently lowered me down to the floor, my feet tingled from the lack of blood in them, I didn't mind. He held my head to his mouth for a minute and then let me go, "I'll get it." On his way out he swiped a black t-shirt from off the floor.

I watched him walk away, and bit my lip. Walking over to where I had noticed my shorts from last night lying on the floor, I picked them up and slid them on over my black knickers. Before I went out, I quickly grabbed my phone from out of my bag that was half under the bed. I gazed fondly at the rumpled sheets.

Alex was laying out a few steaming dishes on the table next to the small kitchen area when I walked into the room, the person who had brought the food up was nowhere to be seen. There were croissants, fruit, toast, eggs, and jam, my stomach gurgled and I went and sat down on one of the four seats around the wooden table. Alex sat opposite me, clasping his hands together.

I leant forwards, resting my chin in my hands, "So any idea of what you want to do today?"

He shook his head, and pulled a pile of toast towards him, "We gotta go an' do a run through for the show tonight at four, but until then I'm free to do whatever really. What would you like to do?"

I scrunched up my face and sat up straight, pulling my hair up with the hair bobble that was always on my wrist, "Well, I don't know about you, but I would quite like to see a bit of Paris before I go." Now time had become part of the conversation, I turned on my phone to look at the time, _'11:08_'. Wow, it felt a lot later, but the again, time plays tricks on us all.

Alex was concentrating on buttering and didn't answer until he was done, "Yeah, whatever really, I'm 'appy to just hang out...with you." He pointed his buttery knife at me and then went back to buttering another piece.

Smiling, I snitched a piece off his plate and took a bite of the carby goodness. He lifted his head slowly, eyebrows raised, my mouth twisted as I struggled to keep back a laugh, he just shook his head at me and returned to what he was doing before.

Putting down my toast I reached across and snagged a pot of what smelled like coffee off a tea tray beside us. I poured it into the small coffee cups between us, finishing them off with some milk and a teaspoon of sugar in mine from a small china pot.

Without talking, we moved around each other, eating and occasionally reading things from the English paper that had been brought up with our breakfast. My feet were in Alex's lap and he held them in his hand as he ate and read the paper on the table next to him. I loved the simplicity of it, I felt completely relaxed.

"Rhea?"

I looked up from an extremely boring article on how the world was going to end this year, "Yeah?"

"Do you mind…" He stopped and looked down at his plate that was almost empty, "Do you mind me being, like, quite a bit older than you?"

He continued to stare down at his plate, I frowned at him, but he didn't meet my eyes. Putting aside my bit of the paper, I leant towards him and pondered his strange question. Where the hell had this come from?

I played with my fingers, looking down at the chipped black nail varnish, "No it's only what, seven years...No I don't mind, at all. What I do mind is what other people think of it. I hate to admit it, but it's true."

I looked up and met his eyes, "You haven't seen any of what people are saying have you?"

His brow puckered in confusion, "No I 'avent."

I picked at an abandoned crust on my plate, "Well, they urm, found out who I am, just by looking for other pictures of me on the internet I suppose."

"And?" I could hear the badly disguised concern in his voice, it gave me strength.

"Well lets just say there have been some lovely supportive comments, saying how happy they are to see you happy and so on. And then there are the other ones." I stopped and blinked, "Apparently I'm using you, I'm a whore, slut, hoe, money grabbing bitch, a stupid man stealing little girl, a-"

"Rhea, stop. Just stop it."

I looked up at him, tears filling my eyes. Why do I have to do this? Why do I always have to ruin everything?

"I'm sorry." I said quietly, taking me feet out off his lap and looking at the wall behind Alex's left ear.

"What the 'ell are you apologisin' for Rhea?" I looked into his angry eyes, " You 'ave absolutely nothin' to say sorry for."

"No Alex, I am a whore and a slut. You don't know anything about what I used to be like." I heard his intake of breath, "You deserve Arabella, not silly old broken me."

There was silence from the other side of the table.

"Who the fook is Arabella?"

I smiled without humour, "She's was my imaginary friend, and in some ways still is. She's everything I'm not. She's beautiful, clever, talented, strong and pure. When she gets things wrong, she works it out, when she falls, she gets up again, she protects the people she loves."

His hands slipped into mine, and I held onto them like a lifeline.

"But Rhea, I want you." I looked up at him, meeting his patient eyes, "And I want Arabella, cause sweet'eart, you are Arabella. You're beautiful, clever, talented, strong and ever so pure. When you get things wrong, you're alright, you work it out, when you fall you get back up again, I've seen it with my own eyes. And fookin' 'ell do you protect the ones you love. Don't you ever let some stupid silly little girls change what an extraordinary woman you are."

My mouth trembled. I leant forwards and ever so gentle pressed my lips to his, opening my mouth and breathing him in. Our mouths moved together, as one, complete. I sighed and pulled back, disconnecting my hands from his. He blinked at me, his mouth in a relaxed smirk. I bit my lip, and smiled back, suddenly embarrassed.

I jerked my thumb back towards the bedroom, "I'm gonna go and, um, have a shower." I stood up and turned to go. Stopping when I was halfway to the door, I ran back to his side. Leaning down to him, I cupped his face in my hands, "Thank you." I brushed my lips against his and then jogged out of the room.

_/\\_/\/\\_

After I had grabbed a change of clothes from my suitcase, I went and had one of the most perfect showers I have ever had. The power behind the jet of the water pounded into my sore and stiff muscles, making me groan. It was so good. I decided to indulge in the hotels complimentary shower soaps, shampoo and conditioner, I was going to smell like a florists when I got out of here.

I gasped in wonder when I vacated the shower. The bathroom was warm, it was such a luxury, as at home the bathroom was normally fucking freezing. Drying myself I revelled in the luxurious feeling of the fluffy towel against my skin, the smell of roses hung in the air. I could see very clearly how easy it was to disappear into this world, this world of money and all things perfect. I shook my head at myself. Really I should know better, I had seen behind the glitter and gold, and all is not as it seems, all this extravagance is just an extremely flimsy shield against the real world.

After I had dried myself I quickly shaved, brushed my teeth, moisturised myself and blow dried my hair with the hair dryer that was hung by the side of the bath. When it was nearly dry I piled it on my head, and started to put on what I had chosen for today. I had decided on a dark blue cotton dress that ended just above my knees and had a sort of wrap around on the cleavage area. It was something I had bought in South of France last Summer. Reminding myself it was cold outside I pulled on some thick black tights.

Now my hair. I let it fall down around my face, and stared at it for a minute. I made up my mind on a simple crown plait, it was my favourite hairstyle and you could say I was quite a dab hand at it now. I separated my hair down the centre and started to plait it on one side, up and around my head. Tieing the end of that plait with a tiny plastic band, I then started on the other. When they were both done, I pulled them around my head, pulling some hair out to frame my face, and pinned them into place. When I was satisfied with the look, I grabbed my makeup bag and pulled out mascara and my red lipstick. I put both on, did a last check and opened the bathroom door, carrying my bath bag and hairbrush though the lounge area and into the bedroom. Alex was bent over one of his bags which was shoved into the small walk in wardrobe, pulling out clothes and holding them up. He was at this moment in time inspecting a dark grey shirt that had a vintage look about it, I could see a pair of black jeans neatly folded next to his feet.

I padded quietly across the thick carpet and stopped by the neatly made bed, "I like that one." I said quietly as not to surprise him of my presence.

My efforts were to no avail and he swung around, holding the shirt to his chest, pushing his hair out of his face, "Fookin' 'ell Rhea, make some sound will you."

I snorted and walked over to my suitcase, "Oh I'm sorry grampa, your ear aids not working today or something?"

I felt him behind me before he touched me, it was as if my body was always aware of where he was. His arms slid around my waist, and his lips found my neck. I closed my eyes, and sighed.

"By the way, you look beautiful. I love you hair like this."

I smiled, and then pulled away, he hands stayed on my neck as I bent down, putting my stuff back in my suitcase, "Well you still smell like the club, so go and shower before I have to make you."

He chuckled, as I bent my head, looking through my stuff, "I would be more inclined to, if you were to join me."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm sorry babe, but I wouldn't want to get dirty again." I stood back up and looked at him from under my lashes, pursing my lips and cocking my head to the side.

I wobbled as he stepped forwards and caught my head in his hands, pressing my lips to his, our teeth met and I gasped into his mouth. I ran my tongue across his lower lip and he groaned, pulling me hard against him, my hands found their way to the bottom of his t-shirt, fingers skimming along skin.

A loud banging from the direction of the door suddenly reached our ears, Alex pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. We were both out of breath, eyes closed.

"Fook sake" Al pulled away from me and turned in the direction of the door, I reached out and grabbed his arm.

"It's alright, I'll get it. You go and have a shower."

He nodded, then casting me one last look, sauntered towards the door and out to the bathroom. I took a deep breath, glancing in the small mirror on the dressing table to check everything was in place. My eyes were bright and my cheeks red, a glimmer of a smile was evident on my mouth.

I made my way to the door out into the lounge and then headed in the direction of the other door that lead out of the hotel suite. I unlocked it and pulled it open, coming face to face with Matt. I jumped back in surprise, "Jesus christ Matt don't _do that._"

"Sorry." He said, not sorry at all.

"He has this thing about trying to give people heart attacks when they open the door."

I looked round Matt to see Breana, her brown eyes taking everything in.

I walked back into the room, followed by them both, "It's alright. I grew up with four brothers and lots of guy friends who thought it was absolutely hilarious to scare me. You could say I built up a resistance."

Matt snorted behind me and threw himself into one of the armchairs, looking around, "I swear Al always gets the nice rooms. Where is the man anyway?"

I indicated the door to the bathroom, where the shower could be heard running, "Having a shower, he needed it. When we woke up we both stank of that club last night, I swear they like sprayed us with some shit in there."

Breana smiled and sat down on the arm of Matt's chair while I sat on the edge of the table, "Yeah, I know what you mean, last night was pretty crazy, to be honest I can't remember loads of it."

I nodded and rubbed the back of my neck, stray hairs catching on my hand, "You're telling me, after we had those first few shots, it just flashes of memory, they must have been strong stuff."

Matt let out a snort of laughter, "I'll tell you what I do remember. I remember one of the bouncers comin'' up to you and Al, where you were makin' out or summet in the corner, and like pullin' you two apart, cause you were really going for it. Well as you can guess Al wasn't that 'appy 'bout it so tried to deck 'im. Totally failed. I think that was 'bout the time we left."

I put my hand to my mouth and let out a snort of laughter, "You fucking serious? I do not remember that at all."

Breana laughed and leant back against Matt, "I'm not surprised, we were all bloody pissed."

I laughed and looked at how easily they moved around each other, it really was lovely.

Breana reached over and snagged the paper off the side of the table sliding back onto Matt's lap, she opened it up and scanned a page, Matt reading from behind her.

I turned and started to clear up the remains of breakfast, piling the plates on top of each other and the other dishes above them. Just as I finished with the last dish I realised that there was no longer the sound of the shower trickling out from under the bathroom door. I picked up my phone from where I had left it on the table and plugged it into the small, but powerful, looking speakers on the side. Wealth, right there people. I turned it on and pressed shuffle on my music. Black Magic Woman, Fleetwood Mac, poured from the speakers, I cringed and was just about to press next when a shout from Matt stopped me.

"I love this song."

Leaving my phone on the side, I turned back to him and raised my eyebrows at him, "Really Matt?"

He nodded his head enthusiastically, "Yeah, really. We done a cover of it before, 'aven't we Brea." Breana nodded in confirmation of his words.

I waltzed over and held out my hands, "Well then, care for a dance?"

Breana got up, and sat on the side of the armchair, giving Matt a push on the shoulder, "Go on, you two dance, I wanna film this." She said as she pulled her phone out of her small designer jeans.

Matt jumped up and grabbed my waiting hands, "You don't need to ask me twice."

I giggled as he twirled me around, and then we started to dance around the room. I was surprised at the easiness in which Matt moved to the music, and low and behold, he knew the waltz. We danced together, a smile permanently on my lips, our laughter filled the room, while Breana giggled from her chair, pointing her phone at us. As the song speeded up we started to move our arms around more, spinning, and moving our feet in small quick steps

Matt's face glowed, "Jesus Rhea, you can really dance."

I shrugged, moving my shoulders to the beat, "Well I didn't leave college with a distinction in Dance for nothing you know."

Matt laughed and twirled me around pulling me to him, so that my back was pressed against his chest, my arms crossed on my chest.

"Oi! What you doin' with my woman wanker?" Came a voice from behind us. We whirled around to face Alex where he stood. I breathed in a sharp breath as I saw him. His hair was newly done in a messy quiff, his face smooth, devoid of stubble and his clothes clung to him. My gaze ran down his body, all the way down to his feet that were red from the shower, my belly clenched at the normality of it. Sometimes you see someone in such a bright light, you forget that they are really, just human. Matt let go of me, but I looped my arm over his shoulder and gave him a wink.

Alex started to grin at us, as we tried to hold in our laughter. "What do you think we're doin'?" Matt said. Breana couldn't hold it back any longer and let out a soft snort, bowing her head in giggles. I let out a laugh and then couldn't stop, I clung onto Matt for support, although he too was finding it hard to keep upright.

Alex crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, tapping his foot, just looking at him made me laugh more, "When you're quite finished." He said, his false irritated voice enlaced with laughter.

My stomach was starting to hurt, and I bit my tongue, hoping to stem the flow of my laughter. It worked and I took a deep breath.

The music had now changed to one of my aerial performance pieces, the haunting music filled the room. I walked back to my phone and went to pause it, tapping the button and unplugging it from the speakers.

"What was that, I don't recognise it from anywhere?" Alex's voice graced my ears from just behind me.

I turned round to face him and he brushed a bit of hair out of my eye, "You wouldn't, it was especially made for me by a friend of mine, it's called Pandora."

Alex nodded in acceptance, "Well, it's quite beautiful."

"Yeah, it's my favorite song to perform to so far."

"I would love to see you perform at some point." His voice was low.

"And I would too." Matt said from across near where Brea sat.

I bit my lip, "That would be great if you could. I...well, it's one of the things I love most in the world."

I felt Alex's thumb swirling against my hip bone and dared not look up at him as I said this. It used to be the thing I loved most in the world, now I wasn't so sure.

I came back to the present as Matt spoke, "Go on the then Rhea, do a bit of circus for us."

I scanned my mind for something simple, and then smirked, "Alright, Alex, lie down." I said as I disengaged myself from him.

"What?" He looked at me, completely puzzled.

I raised my eyebrows at him and pointed at the floor, "Lie down, on your back, on the floor, please."

Matt snorted, and I heard the click of Breana's phone. One thing I had learnt about Brea in the short time that I had known her was that she loved to document things, her photography skills were superb. She had let me flick through some of her pictures the other night, I had been in awe of some of the moments she had been able to capture.

Alex was still looking confused but did as I asked, and went and lay down in the middle of the room where it was mostly empty. I rolled my wrists and shoulders, cracking my neck to the side, Alex gave me a worried look from on the floor. I winked down at him and went to stand just above his head, facing his feet.

I tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and pointed at his face, "Now don't move ok?"

He nodded, keeping his mouth shut, a crease had appeared in between his eyebrows, I couldn't help letting out a laugh.

I leant down and placed my hands on the floor, either side of his chest, kicking my legs up into the air and straightening my body, until I was completely upside down, my toes pointing towards the ceiling. My dress fell down but managed to cling to my butt, although I couldn't care at all if anybody saw my knickers through my tights.

"Fookin' 'ell." I heard Matt exclaim.

Keeping my muscles completely controlled, I walked my hands down towards his feet, my body barley wobbling. Alex had now lifted himself up so he could see me better and was he resting on his elbows, looking at me, a small smile on his lips. An idea popped into my head and I walked my hands backwards until my head was level with Alex's. I opened my legs until they were in a split position to give me more balance, and leant forwards touching lips to Alex's. It was really quite weird kissing someone upside down, but It worked and his mouth moulded around mine. Before I could let my body relax into the kiss, I stag-ed my legs behind me, and then brought them down to the floor, so I was in crab position over his legs, I rocked myself to standing and blew stray hairs out of my face.

Bringing my hands above my head and pointing one foot forwards, I did a bow, "Ta da."

There was clapping from Matt and Brea, as I came up from my bow, and Alex got to his feet.

He crossed his arms, and gave me a once over, "Y'know you see that shit in theatres, at all those big shows an' you just put it down to magic of it, then you see it 'ere, in an ordinary hotel an' it becomes very real an' you're just like, _holy shit_, people can actually do stuff like that."

I looked down shyly, scrunching up my toes in my tights, "Well what can I say, a lot of work goes into it."

Alex put his hand to my cheek and I looked up, "You were brilliant darlin'"

I bit my lip, "Thank you." I turned my head into his hand, and half closed my eyes.

"Alright you too, enough of that, what's the plan for today?" Matt interrupted. I heard an audible smack, I assumed Brea had hit him for ruining the moment.

I heard Alex smile, and opened my eyes fully, sliding my left arm around his waist, while he draped one arm over my shoulders.

"Well we were planning to go out…" I left an unspoken question on the end for Alex, I wasn't sure if he wanted it to just be us, I didn't mind really. I was coming to enjoy Matt's and Brea's company more and more, as I spent time with them.

"Do you guys wanna tag along?" Alex picked up from where I had left off, I gave his side a small squeeze.

"We would love too." Brea said from Matt's side, meeting my eyes. I looked into her dark ones, and saw the unspoken question, were we really sure, or we were just being nice. I smiled at her, and she visibly relaxed.

I disentangled myself from Alex's warm embrace and turned towards the our bedroom, "Well I just need to go and grab my coat and boots."

Brea got up from the chair and grabbed Matt's sleeve, "Yeah, ok, we'll go and get our stuff ready, meet you in the lobby in about ten minutes?"

I glanced at Alex, who nodded. Before I got to the door, I turned around nearly bumping into Alex who was right behind me, as I had remembered something, "Hang on, what about the others?"

Matt waved at the air in front of him, "Ah, don't worry about 'em. James has already gone out with Katie, an' Nick is out shopping for Kelly or summet, maybe we'll meet up with 'em later."

"And what about Miles?"

"I'll send 'im a quick text." Alex said from behind me, pulling out his phone from his jean pocket.

"Cool, just text them or something to see if they want to come, I don't know, whatever you think." I said to Matt, and then turned back in the direction I was heading. I heard the door shut just behind us as we made it to the bedroom door. Seeing that he had finished texting, I grabbed Alex's hand and pulled him into the room, to the bed, where I leapt, holding onto him the whole time, we landed with a thump. Our legs were entangled, my head on his chest, and left arm under his head, while the other sprawled across his chest, the fingers making creases in his shirt where they gripped the material.

I closed my eyes, and nuzzled my face into his neck, he pulled my closer, "Are you really alright with them coming, or are you just being nice?"

There was a moment of silence, and then he took a breath from the warm air around us, "I think it will be nice, for all of us to go out again.." He trailed off and I felt his fingers twirl across the back of my neck, "They seem to really like you. Matt...he, well, when I came back an' told 'im what 'appened, not going into details, he gave me a right lecture on 'ow I should 'ave gone back an' kissed you until you were mine."

I snorted, letting out a small laugh and then sobered, "He's probably right, although I said some truly horrible things, I'm not sure he would have stayed if he had been in your shoes." My voice was muffled in skin, and I was started to feel a little light headed from his scent.

I felt him carefully kiss my brow, sending tingles down my spine, "Oh I wouldn't be so sure. Breana, gave 'im a lot of shit when they first started together. He did things I wouldn't ever 'ave 'ad the guts to do. Now I'm not so sure what could stop me from being by your side an' kissing you."

My gut twisted, and my voice was barely audible when I spoke, "I bet the Atlantic Ocean will."

Alex had told me that they were planning to do a tour with The Black Keys for their El Camino Tour of America and various American festivals from March all the way through to near the end of June. After this short tour around Europe that ended on the 8th of this month, they would be free for just about three weeks and then were traveling out to America for the 2nd of March. Knowing that I had barely a month with Alex until he was away across the world for nearly four months almost brought me to tears. I knew that I could go and visit him for a while but my Summer break didn't start until the end of May. I suppose that I did have my Easter break in April, but it was only for a little while.

Al's voice brought me out of my mind and back to the now, "We'll sort something out. We'll 'ave to, I won't, I _can't_ not see you for four months, that's just insanity."

I sighed and sat up, scorching off the bed, " I know, I know, I just...I don't know, it just makes me feel weird imagining you all that way away, making all those new memories without me there to see them or even be a part of them."

I heard and felt the bed give way underneath him as he sat with me at the end of the bed. He didn't touch me except where our shoulders brushed against each other. Opposite us was a long mirror, reflecting our images back at us. I looked at him through the mirror, as he looked back at me on the reflective service. We looked so different, my skin was peaches and cream, just like my grandmother always said, my hair blonde with gold entwined, my eyes bright, the blue emphasised by the deep black around the colour. I stared at him as he sat next to me in all his dark glory, his skin made nut brown by the Australian sun, hair almost black and eyes the colour of dark chocolate. I shivered as they bored into soul, searching for the dark places I kept hidden from everyone and myself.

Breaking eye contact, I stood up and shakily walked to my suitcase to pull out my black over coat and Doc Martens. I heard him move behind me towards his stuff, the rustle of his clothes drifted through the air.

"It'll be alright, I promise." He said, although he sounded more like he was muttering it to himself, than speaking to me.

According to Shakespeare in Sonnet 116,_ 'Love's not Time's fool'_ and I sincerely hoped it was true.

_"Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift_

_The type that sticks around like summat in your teeth?_

_Are there some aces up your sleeve?_

_Have you no idea that you're in deep?"_

**So there you go, it took me what feels like ages to write this chapter, I'm not really sure why, it just took a lot out of me. Also I have been quite unwell for a while now. I think about a day after I put out my last chapter I fainted and had a panic attack, and let me tell you I have never been so scared in my entire life. Your reviews were what made a smile come back on my face, and started me writing again when I felt like I could hardly do anything, so thank you so much.**

**Sav x**


	13. All You People Are Vampires

**-All You People Are Vampires-**

_"I ain't got no dollar signs in my eyes that might be a surprise but its true_

_I'm not like you and I don't want your advice or your praise or to move in_

_the ways you do, and I never will"_

_-4th February 2012-_

Brea's arm is looped through mine, and the other through Matt's muscular one. She's flicking through her phone, I am making sure she doesn't hit anybody on the pavement, while Matt is talking amicably about how they're planning on getting a dog. I'm half listening, and half elsewhere, looking around Paris as it spreads out below,above and around me. I am also aware of him behind me, his voice hushed as he speaks with Miles. They're huddled together, heads bent, shoulders brushing. I have no idea what they're talking about.

We had met the others down in the lobby in a rush, nearly falling down the stairs as Alex pulled me down the carpeted steps. I had been laughing and out of breath when we got to the gathering of people, happy and elated. However as soon as we had got there, Alex had kissed me on the forehead and went straight over to Miles who was outside having a fag, Break and Matt had latched onto me, and since that moment we had not exchanged a word. At first it had been fine, I was happy to see them together, laughing and exchanging what looked like interesting conversation, but as the day wore on, I started to look over my shoulder more and more at their entwined figures. They looked like twins with their shades and over coats, you could say I felt like the odd one out.

It seems that after spending just this small amount of time with Al, I had become used to feeling him by my side. I had gotten used to the fact that I could just reach out and he would be there, ready to touch and support me. As the sun climbed higher in the sky and my feet started to ache more against the concrete of the pavement, the more my resentment grew, until to my horror, I was wishing that it had just been us going out. I hated the feelings that were gnawing in my stomach, knowing that they were really just past memories feeding the bad emotion, and yet they ate until I was in a foul mood.

I was watching my feet stamp on the hard ground when Brea poked me in the side, "We're here."

I looked up and saw words reading _'Frenchie To Go_' across the black wood of a small cafe. Finally. Not only was I feeling left by Alex, but my hunger had returned, making my mood more sour. Seeing that I wasn't having the best of times, Matt had suggested that we go and get something to eat. I could have kissed him, except that my, well whatever he was, was standing behind me. He probably wouldn't have noticed though, so wrapped up was he with his BFF.

Brea pulled me closer to her side "Cheer up, you'll feel better soon, food is on it's way." I smiled down at her, feeling glad for knowing that she saw how I was feeling and took notice of how food enhanced my good mood. They were both gems.

Matt pushed open the glass door into a rather fancy bistro, modern with the old touch of antique, it was beautiful. I had heard of this place from Sally as she went here a lot and apparently the owner had cooked with Jamie Oliver. According to Sally, the man also has a restaurant so expensive even she doesn't go to it, which is why she comes here and I couldn't blame her. It was the sort of place where you could wile away many rainy afternoons, sipping coffee, reading poetry and pondering lifes many meanings. It was my kind of place.

We made our way to a small table, four stools were set around it, I grabbed a fifth one from an empty one next to it and placed it at the head of the table. Predictably Matt gave me a look, imposing his will with his signature smile, making it clear that it was his, Matthew J Helders the Third's right to sit at the head of the table. I shook my head at him, and went and sat on the stool next to the big windows that looked out onto the street, taking off my coat and folding it on the floor at me feet. Brea sat next to me, while Alex sat opposite me, and Miles beside him. I picked up the menu from the middle of the table, opening it, my eyes instantly glazed over, refusing to take in the information. Ugh, get your head in the game Rhea.

"Are you actually goin' to read that or just stare at it?" He said from behind the brown and green paper.

I pulled the menu down so that only my eyes were visible, and looked at his brown orbs as he had now taken off his shades, "I'm not sure, maybe you should consult with Miles about it, thats all you've seemed to want to do since we left."

I pulled the menu back up, blocking him from my view and cringed, instantly feeling bad. I glanced over to the other's, but they were engrossed in looking over the food items, not paying attention to our quiet conversation.

I felt a brush against my leg, and jerked it back before I realised it was just Alex's foot against my calf, "Rhea?"

My eyes stayed fixed on the food prices. I refused to cooperate right now, even if my conscience was having a right go at me, "_What?"_

I heard the scrape of a stool on the dark stone floor and peeked round the menu, Alex wasn't there. I lifted up my head fully, looking for him, only to feel a small touch against my neck. Turning around in my seat, I looked up at him, meeting his confused eyes.

He brought his fingers to my face, and caressed my cheek, "What's the matter love?"

I closed my eyes and leant into his hand, "Ugh, I'm sorry. I just...it's just my stuff, it doesn't matter." I didn't meet his eyes as I said this and heard him sigh in irritation.

He moved forwards, pushing my legs aside so he stood in between them, I leant my head up against his chest, and he rested his chin on my head, "Well it does matter to me, cause it matters to you."

Now he was with me, I felt like my earlier worryings were totally uncalled for, and speaking them out loud would make me sound silly and over sensitive, so I stayed silent.

"Rhea?"

I turned my head towards the window, still resting it on his chest, "Can we talk about it later?"

There was a pause, and I felt him lift his head off mine, "Fine, if you're sure."

I nodded my head, and then looked up at him, meeting his eyes again.

I smiled and chewed my lower lip, "Hey."

His face cracked into his smile, and he let out a small laugh, leaning forwards, he brought his nose to mine, "Hey yourself."

I touched my lips to his, tentatively at first, but as he leant into it, I let my earlier worries slip away, becoming completely engrossed in him.

After a while we broke apart to take a breath, "So we were talkin' to our tour manager the other day," Alex said, his voice husky, "An' we've been asked if we wanna to do a small performance or summat at the Olympic Opening Ceremony. What d'you think?"

I pulled back from him, my eyes widening, "You fucking serious?"

"Yeah." He nodded, laughing slightly, "Why the tone of surprise? Don't you think we're good enough?"

I tutted and lightly smacked him on the arm,"_No_, you guys are amazing, I was just surprised they would consider asking you, you know, as you don't normally do that sort of thing. Plus, this is the Olympics we're talking about here. It's a pretty big deal."

Alex scrunched up his nose in the most adorable way, "Well, I suppose if you're into that sort of thing. I always thought the Olympics were a bit over- rated."

I nodded, "Well of course it's over-rated, _but_ it's still quite a big deal. I mean, you'll be performing in front of thousands, even perhaps millions, the whole world basically."

"Our biggest show yet." He said, chewing the inside of his mouth. He was nervous about it.

I brought my hand to his cheek, "You'll be great, I think you should take the offer, I mean, come on, it's something to tell your grandkids about right?" I put on a croaky deep voice, "Oh when I was young, I weren't just playin' on the computer like you skallywags, I were up there, makin' a name for me'self, performin' in front of millions at the Olympics."

Alex chuckled, the skin around his eyes crinkling up, "I suppose so. Just promise me you'll do that voice again for me at some point."

I cocked my head to the side, "Only if you promise to take up the offer?"

Alex took a deep breath in and then let it out in a loud 'huff', "Fine, if you insist, but I'll 'ave to double check with the others."

"Good." I said, a satisfied smile on my lips. They were going to rock that stadium like never before.

I felt his eyes on us before I saw him. While Alex went and kissed the corner of my mouth, I turned my head once more to the window and spied something odd. There was a man across the street with a huge camera, half crouching behind a bin, looking straight at the cafe. I frowned, what the hell was he doing? I saw a small flash come from the camera, and started to feel a bit worried.

Noticing that I was more preoccupied by something else than his kisses, Alex stopped and looked in the direction of my gaze. He let out a soft groan, "And it's started."

I twisted my head to look at him, "What's started?"

He nodded his head towards the camera man who was now standing up, pointing his camera straight at us. And then it dawned on me, and I hid my face in Al's shirt. Shit. It was weird enough having fan's come up and ask for pictures, but to have what looked like a professional photographer shamelessly taking photo's of us, well it was just strange, and kind of scary. Though Alex's kind words this morning had calmed most of my fears about the judgement of his fans, a part of me still quailed at the thought of new pictures for them to judge.

"Don't 'ide Rhea, let 'im see your face." I looked back up at him, his hand on my cheek, "They want you to 'ide, they want to be able to spread stories 'bout us. Let them see that you're not afraid of them, let them see that you're strong enough to withstand their intrusions."

Alex's words hit me hard, and I sat up straighter, giving the camera one last look, then turned my back to the photographer. Touching my lips against Alex's once more, I twisted back round to the table, while Al hung his arms over my shoulders.

"So what's everyone having?" I said, and Alex squeezed my shoulder, making a smile tug at the corners of my mouth.

"I'm havin' the beef burger, with all the extra's." Matt announced proudly.

I snorted and looked back down at the menu that I had took into my once shaking hands. I scanned down the list of interesting sounding food, until my eyes lit upon my favorite. Grilled sweet chilli chicken and mozzarella salad. Yum.

I pointed at it, "I'll have this, it's my favorite."

"Well I'll 'ave the same then." Alex said softly in my ear. I reached up and wound my fingers through one of his hands that hung over my shoulder.

"Are you sure?"

"Uhuh."

Before I could help myself I brushed my lips against his cheek.

"Really you two?" Matt chuckled from the other end of the table, "We've got food to order 'ere, if you 'avent noticed."

I looked away from Al, to see that there was in fact a small waitress staring at us, unblinking. Her smooth cheeks had a pink flush to them, her fingers nervously played with the pen in her left hand.

"oh désolé à ce sujet." I apologised.

I felt Alex jerk back, and lifted my head to look at him, his eyebrows were raised in shock, "You speak French?"

I shrugged, and looked back down, "Just a little something I have up my sleeve."

Alex chuckled, "You, Rhea Lovelock, are full of surprises."

I smiled down at my hands, and then looked back up at the waitress, "Alright guys, what do you all want, I can order it if you want?"

Brea cocked her head to the side, "Well we wouldn't want to miss a chance at putting your talents to use would we?" She stated, a mischievous smile on her lips.

I grinned at her, "Why thank you. So, whats it going to be?"

There was a moment of silence and then their orders poured forwards which I translated and added on their special requirements to the flushed waitress. She scribbled them down with a nervous jolt in her fingers, continually glancing back at Alex, who was completely oblivious, or at least was pretending to be. I felt my hackles rise as she stared at him, licking her small pink lips. He was mine. Mine.

"Well, I thinks that's all thank you." I said in French, my voice was harder than I meant it to be. She jerked her gaze away from her inspection of Al, and back to my eyes. I raised my eyebrows slightly, she got the message and turned back to the kitchen area.

I stared after her retreating figure, and couldn't help noticing the way her butt swung more than was usual. Sure check out a guy, make a point of it, but for fucks sake, when he has his arms wrapped around another woman and is kissing her, leave him the fuck alone.

I looked over at Brea, and raised my eyebrows at her, she nodded and shook her head in disgust. Relived it wasn't just me who had noticed it, I folded up the menu, and placed it back in the centre of the table. Alex gave me another squeeze on the shoulder, and then returned to his seat next to Miles, who was also following the waitresses walk.

I felt a light rap against my shoulder, and turned to see Breana was now facing me, "Can I ask you something?

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, "Yeah…"

"Well I got some really lovely photo's of you and Al today," She indicated her phone that lay on the tabletop, "And I was wondering if you would mind me posting them?"

I frowned, "On what?"

"Just on Instagram. I don't have to, I really don't mind, I just thought I would ask you in case you are really against it. If, you know, you want to keep things quiet about you two."

I shook my head, "We may as well get it over and done with. God knows I would rather you posted pictures than someone who doesn't even know me." I was glad she had asked, because at the end of the day, people were going to find out anyway, what better way than to let Brea make it official. If it even was official.

I glanced over at Alex who was typing into his phone, "Is Al alright with it?"

Brea rubbed her bottom lip, giving Alex a quick look, "Yeah, he's fine as long as you're fine with it."

I spread my hands, "Well then, do what you want, and tag me in them so I can see yeah?"

She smiled, her dark eyes lighting up, "Awesome, of course I will. You know..." She stopped and took my hand in hers. Lowering her voice she carried on, "I'm really glad you've given Al a chance, he, well, he just wasn't having the best of times before he met you."

I squeezed her hand gently, "Well you know what, I'm pretty glad I did too. It's turning out a lot better than I thought it would."

She nodded, "You really are quite a find Rhea, don't let anybody ever tell you otherwise ok?"

I bit my lip and looked down at our joined hands, "Ok."

She gave my fingers a last squeeze and then turned back to Matt who was trying to get her attention by repeatedly tapping her side.

I twisted my body back to face Alex who was still typing away on his phone, and rested my elbows on the table, placing my chin in my hands. I looked out of the corner of my eye, towards where the photographer was still standing, his head was bent and he seemed to be looking through his pictures. He wore a brown over coat, his handlebar mustache was waxed to perfection. Now I had got over my initial fear of him, I started to laugh quietly to myself as he stood out there in the cold, taking photo's of me in my nice warm cafe. I turned so I was full on facing him, a stupid grin on my face, then, as if sensing my gaze, he looked up and met my eyes. I blinked at him, my lips still stretched in laughter. Quick as a flash he held up his camera towards me, I was quicker though, and held up my right hand, my two middle fingers pointing upwards while the others curled into my palm. He took the camera away, frowned and then waddled down the street. Feeling rather proud of myself, I turned back to the table, resting my palms down on the smooth light wood.

"Nice one." I lifted my head and met Miles's gaze.

I let out a small laugh, "Really?"

He nodded, smiling, and I felt myself warm to him more, remembering what a good time we had, had last night, "You'll get into the swing of things fine."

"Well I'm glad to know you have faith in me."

Alex was following our conversation and joined in, "I'm glad he does too." I didn't miss the pointed look he gave Miles, and Miles's slight roll of his eyes, maybe I hadn't been completely forgotten in their earlier conversation after all.

Soon after, our food arrived and we got down to the important task of eating our way through the delicious meal. I'm just going to say it, the French sure know how to cook. We chatted about this and that, although mainly about me, as they all seemed extremely interested in the most mundane things that I did. It made me realise how little I actually knew about them, even Alex, and visa versa. I was generally quite good at making friends, keeping them was another matter, but I was glad that they seemed to have taken a liking to me, it was going to make this journey a whole lot easier.

When we had finished we paid the reasonable amount and walked back out into the cold streets. It was time for the boys to head to La Zenith to do a run through, but first Brea wanted to stop at some shop down the street.

Alex was holding me close to him, his arm under my coat, hand splayed across my hip bone. We were silent, just walking together, the others conversation's moved around us. I was warm in his embrace, except for my hands, my hands were freezing, they were numb. I smirked down at the ground and moved my left hand slowly under Alex's coat until I came to the hem of his shirt. Quickly, I brought my hand underneath the cloth and onto his skin, instantly the warmth seeped into my chilled flesh.

Alex jerked, and looked at me in surprise, "Fookin' 'ell Rhea, some warnin' next time maybe."

I giggled, keeping my hand on his skin, "I'm _so_ sorry." I said, my voice filled with sarcasm.

"They're like bloody ice packs." He exclaimed, putting his hand under his shirt, on mine.

I nodded, "Yeah, just imagine what my feet are like."

He groaned, "Just keep 'em away from me in bed, I would like to not freeze tonight if that's alright with you."

I laughed, moving to the side so that I wouldn't step in a suspiciously brown pile of muck on the ground, "Don't worry, I'll keep to my side of the bed."

"Well_ all_ of you doesn't 'ave to keep away from me, jus' your bloody feet."

I snorted, "Fine."

Looking up, I saw the moody sky that peeked through the branches of the sleepy trees that ran along the road beside us."

"I wish I had my camera." I stated to no one in particular.

Of course Alex answered me, "You like taking pictures don't you?"

"Yep, I like to capture memories."

His thumb was making spirals against me side, "Is it a recent thing?"

I shook my head, stray wisps of hair falling in my face, "No, I've loved doing it since I was like nine. I used to have an old polaroid of my Mam's, she gave it to me for my 10th birthday, bad idea, I had no idea how to use it properly. But before I trashed and lost it, it was one of my most treasured possessions, I adored how the pictures came out."

"Have you got one now?"

"Nope, unfortunately, I've never had the cash to get a decent one."

"That's a shame." Alex's voice sounded distant, as if he was remembering something.

"Yeah...I'm sure I'll get one at some point, I'm quite good at saving money."

"Well that's good, cause I'm not." He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, "Well good thing you're not short of any then, innit?"

"True that." He said dryly.

We carried on in silence, until we came to a small clothes shop and the rest the group disappeared inside without a backwards glance. We stopped just outside the door, "Do you wanna go in?" Alex asked.

I shook my head, turning and placing my forehead to his shoulder, "Not really, I'm quite happy here."

His head resting on mine he made a content noise, "Me too."

I lifted up my head, and closed my eyes, but just as Alex came in for a kiss I put my hand across his mouth, "I refuse to kiss you with sunglasses on."

Taking an arm from my waist he brought up his hand and took them off and looked at me. I took my hand from his lips, "Happy?" He asked.

"Nearly…" I cocked my head to the side.

He gently shook his head, and I wound my arms around him under his coat, and kissed him. We wander through this troubled world, never really knowing where our destination is until someone shows us the way. Life began when I saw his face, and oh how good it felt to be alive again.

After a while Alex took his lips from mine, and brought them to my forehead where they brushed against my skin as he talked, "So I'm thinkin' about gettin' a tattoo, what d'you think."

I stayed still, "Well it depends on what you want. If you're going to get a spider web or some shit on your face, then I'm going to have to object."

I felt his laugh vibrate through me, "Maybe when I 'ave my middle life crisis or summat. No, I was thinkin' more along the lines of the Yorkshire rose, and like Sheffield underneath, on my forearm."

I frowned, trying to remember the image of the rose. I vaguely remembered seeing it, but the picture was fuzzy in my mind, "Sounds great, personal. Are you sure though?" I knew this was very personal to Alex as I saw it in his eyes how much he missed home, but still I hoped he wasn't going to make a rash decision with this. Tattoo's are for forever, a fact many people seem to forget.

"Yeah, I am, completely, I've been thinkin' 'bout it for a while now."

"Well then, I trust you to make the right decision, and it's going to make you look hot as fuck," I said, bringing my lips to his ear, "As if it's even possible that you could look better than you do."

He twisted his head, seeking my mouth. A throat was cleared and we jerked apart, "You two ready to go, it looks like we've got company"

I turned to look where Miles was pointing, to see a group of four photographers walking at a fast pace towards us, cameras pointed like guns. Fuck sake.

Alex groaned in annoyance and went to pull away from me, but I held him close, "I think I'm going to go back to the hotel while you go and rehearse."

He frowned, twirling a loose strand of my hair round his finger, "Why?"

"Well I actually have a load of stuff I need to do, it's my last year at Circus Space, and to say the least, they're trying to drown us in coursework."

He nodded, looking back at the rapidly approaching men, he glanced at Miles who nodded and hailed a taxi.

Alex pulled away from me, and this time I let him, "You get this one darlin', we'll get another."

I nodded, holding onto his hand, "Alright, I'll see you later. Do you want food for when you get back?"

He looked behind him to where Matt and Brea had appeared from the shop, "Yeah, I should be back at around five-ish, thanks."

"No problem." I let go off his hand, and walked towards the cab, then stopped when I felt a pull on the back of my coat. I turned around, "What?"

He raised his eyebrows at me, "A kiss goodbye would be nice, if its not too much to ask."

I bit my lip and took a step back to him, "Sorry."

He pressed a quick but passionate kiss on my mouth and then let me go, "I'll see you later."

I licked my lips, "Sure thing."

I returned back to the taxi, and saw that Brea was already in the back seat, "I'm gonna go back to the hotel, as I've got stuff that needs to be done too." I smiled at her, glad she was accompanying me back. Looking once again over my shoulder at Alex, I saw to my horror the photographers were crowding around the guys, as they pushed their way to another cab which had just pulled up. Lights flashed.

Quickly sliding myself into the back of the taxi, I shut the door and breathed a sigh of relief.

Brea reached over and took my hand, "Don't worry about it, you'll get used to it as time passes."

As time passes.

_/\\_/\/\\_

I had been watching him for a while now. His eyes were shut, flickering like the fire that glowed over him. He was curled up on the sofa, his head on the palm of his hand, breathing even and heavenly as it filled the room and me. He was so tired. I saw it in the way he talked, the way he laughed, walked and lived. His very being was exhausted, all I wanted to do was hold him and shield him from the world that wanted so much more than he could ever give. Here in this darkening hotel room you could almost believe it was just us here, right now, no others. Just us.

Brea and I had parted ways when we arrived at the hotel, and I had got straight down to wading my way through my assignments. I had nearly jumped out of my skin a while later when one of the staff rung the bell, delivering Alex's shirt that he had worn the other night, washed and dryed, it smelled nothing like him. As soon as I had sat back down, Alex had come in, head bent, eyes blinking shut. We had only exchanged a few words as he ate the sandwich that I had asked to be brought up earlier. He told me that as they were heading to Toulouse the next day, it was an eight hour journey, so they were going to have to leave earlier than we had planned for. I had taken this news in silence, and Alex hadn't added anything, once again our time was cut short by this tour.

After Alex ate, he asked me to wake him up so he would have time to get ready and drive to La Zenith. He had then lay down on the sofa and fallen asleep, I hadn't heard a peep out of him since. Seeing that he was preoccupied with sleep, I had gone on the computer to arrange the change in times that I would have to leave, it hadn't taken long, so now I was gazing across at him.

I held in a laugh as I looked once again at Alex's feet. It turned out that not only did this hotel give you expensive toiletries, speakers, and jacuzzis, but they also provided you with a dressing gown and some rather interesting looking slippers. Slippers which Alex currently had hanging off his naked feet where they rested on the arm of the small sofa. They were snow white and those horrible flip-flop sort of ones which let your toes stick out of the end. Ugh. Alex had pulled off his leather boots and slipped them on with a contented sigh, forcing me not to comment on the way they looked.

I got up from my seat next to the desk where my laptop and I had resided for the past hour or so. My joints crunched, and I groaned quietly, looking forward to seeing Roger again when I got back, he did things to my muscles that could only be explained by magic. I walked over to the door to the bedroom, and quietly opened it, leaving it ajar as I walked through and into the shadowy room. Scooping up my phone from the bedside table, I moved over to the french doors, opening them to the cool evening air. Breathing in deeply, I switched the phone on and noticed I had two messages. I pressed on the message icon, and saw that they were from Jade and Mam.

**Mam:** _'Hey lovely, missing you. I hope all's going well with that Alex of yours, I couldn't stop worrying about you putting yourself down last night, you know how I am. Just know that I think you're making the right decision. Love you lots xxxxx'_

My heart constricted as I read her words, she truly was a wonder. I missed her too, a familiar ache walloped in my chest. We hadn't had it easy over the years, I was away a lot and it took a while for us to adjust to the new life that I lived.

Deciding not to text her back because of the cost, I would reply tomorrow, I tapped on Jade's text. It was new, sent only twenty minutes ago, a link was attached to it.

**Jade:** _'Hey, so im missing you like a lot, weekends suck without you! Ok, so i came across this like 5 mins ago and i had to let you know about it as i know you would read it at some point anyway. Dont take it to heart lovely, you're amazing, love you xxxx'_

My gut twisted in apprehension and I tapped on the link, the cold wind whirled around me, making the curtains wave. The page loaded fast thanks to the hotels brilliant WiFi and an article from one of those gossip blogs appeared. The headline made me gasp.

**Alex Turner's New Teenage Love Interest**

_Alex Turner and the rest of the Arctic Monkeys were seen last night (03/02/12) in the company of a certain young blonde. Alex and the girl, who has been named as Rhea Lovelock, have been seen multiple times over the past month. There was speculation when three pictures of them together looking extremely cosy were posted on New Years Eve. An insider said they were all over each other that night, and left together in a cab, presumably to Alex's hotel where the Arctic Monkeys were staying._

_More pictures were posted by some lucky fans that met Alex the next day, depicting them very close, arms around each other. After that there was a brief hiatus of photo's, then last night multiple pictures surfaced of them together at a club in Paris, celebrating AM's successful gig at L'Olympia. According to a witnesses, Turner and Lovelock were pulled apart by bouncers when things got a heated towards the early hours of Saturday morning. Alex tried to hit the bouncer, but missed and was asked to leave. They did so, followed by the rest of the band, including their girlfriends and Miles Kane. It has been reported that Alex was not only seen kissing Rhea behind stage that night, but also sang her name in Suck It and See, while fans looked on._

_Rhea Lovelock is reportedly residing in London, training at the National School for Circus Arts, and is only a shocking 19 years of age. Going a bit young there aren't we Alex? At 26 years old, Alex has been on the scene for a while, having a 4 year relationship with Alexa Chung, and a small affair with Arielle Vandenberg a model/actress born and bred in LA. He has also been seen with a number of women over the past year. It seems that Alex is making his way down to the pecking order. Our question is, why this teenage circus freak when he has access to so much better? We'll be keeping our eyes open for any gold digging here._

The phone slipped from my grasp and smacked the hard floor beneath my feet. Anger and fear ran through me. How in God's name did they know this shit? Was nothing safe from the story grabbing journalists of today? So I was a circus freak, I was at the bottom of the pecking order, I was the gold digger that was always there waiting to get their chance. A tear slipped down my cheek, falling to the floor. Did people have no sensitivity these days? I slowly crouched down, and picked up my phone, robotically checking to see if the screen was broken. It was scratched, but still intact. Like me. This was but a scratch on my armour, I would not fall, I would not shatter under the pressure and expectations. I took a breath of the refreshing air that swam around me, letting it out slowly. Wiping my finger under my eyes, I took it away and saw it was wet but no blackness marred the skin. Thank god for waterproof mascara.

Turning, I shut the glass door behind me, it was time for me to wake him. Padding through the room, I walked through door that I had left open, and into the warm lounge. Dropping my phone on a chair, I crouched next to Alex's sleeping body and cocked my head to the side, he didn't need to know about this. My mind went back to what he had said earlier _'...It does matter to me, cause it matters to you.'_ No, he had enough on his plate at the moment, he was so tired, I could deal with this on my own, I was used to doing it on my own.

"Hey...Alex?" I said softly. He didn't stir, his breathing steady. I inched closer and brushed my lips against his eyelids, cheeks and finally mouth. He breathed in sharply, and I pulled back.

"It's time for us to leave."

_We might not make the perfect partners_

_but tonight we make a pair_

**So there you go! Really enjoyed writing this, especially as they're now TOGETHER! MAKES ME SO HAPPY! Thank you again for your wonderful reviews, I can't fully express how wonderful they make me feel, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.**

**To the people who asked me about considering a career in writing. Well I suppose it is a possibility, and yet I kinda have my heart set on going to circus school and being a performer of the circus arts. I don't know really, I defiantly enjoy it now, I could maybe be a writer in my spare time...**

**By the way, I also run an Instagram account on AM and me if you wanna follow me on that? It's aerialarabella . Also I do a Tumblr account about AM , so if you all wanna follow me on that it's space-age-country aerialist . Link is on my profile.**

**Love you ALL! Sav x**

**P.s. thank you for your well wishes. I am almost fully recovered, so YAY!**


	14. Climbing On My Desire

**-Climbing On My Desire-**

_"Tomorrow I'll be faster_

_I'll catch what I've been chasing after_

_And have time to play_

_But I'm quite alright hiding today"_

_-4th February 2012-_

I shrugged on my jacket, and held out my hand for Alex's. He took it, pulling me against him. I could almost see the energy that hummed around him. His face still shone with the after affects of the show, fingers twitching slightly as if they were still playing. The show tonight had been a complete success, and I had thoroughly enjoyed it. This time I had been allowed back stage, and had danced and chatted with Brea and Katie, it would definitely go down as one of the best nights I have had yet. And still the night was not over. It was only about 10pm now, although it felt like much later. Today had been the longest day of my life, and in some ways I hoped it would go on forever. I loved the thrill of all these new experiences and people. Watching him on stage was like a drug. A drug I was now hooked on. The way he moved, sang and performed was so god damn sexy, that all I had wanted to do through the whole show was run on and kiss him until the world ended. Of course I couldn't do that, so had waited until Alex had bounded off stage, scooped me up in his arms, and kissed me until we both had been gasping for breath. It was worth the wait.

Now we were heading outside into the night, where fans waited and camera's flashed. I hesitated just in front of the doors that lead out, not really sure if I was ready to face them. Alex looked back at me, his sweet small smile giving me strength. I gave his hand a small squeeze and took the step out of the door and into the light rain that misted around the group of us. Brea and Katie were also in the arm's of their men who shielded them from the rain. As if to copy them, Alex wound his arm around my waist, pulling me into his body as we walked up to barrier that held pack shouting fans. Never had I witnessed anything like it. It was not the craziness that you see with the likes of One Direction and The Beatles, but still the look they had in their eyes as they gazed at the boys made me feel uncomfortable. And then their eyes turned to me, and I could see it. They were thinking exactly what I was thinking. Why the hell was I here? Who was I to stand next to Alex Turner and act like I was someone special?

I lifted up my mouth to Alex's ear, "I think I'm going to get in the car…"

He turned, confusion evident on his face, "Why?"

I shook my head slightly, "Alex, I don't belong here, my place is behind the scenes, not here, not with all the cameras and shit."

He closed his eyes, taking a breath and then whispered furiously back, "Rhea, you _belong 'ere_ jus' as much as I do. Jus' as much as Katie an' Brea do. People know that the girls are as much part of our lives as the Arctic Monkeys an' more. People know that 'bout them, an' they should know it 'bout you too."

I licked my lips where the rain had landed on them, "Ok. Sorry, I just-"

He put his finger to my lips and said more softly, "No, shh. Not only do _they_ need to know you will now be at my side whether they like it or not. _You_ need to know that _I_ want you 'ere, with me."

I shook my head at him, "You really are something else Mr Turner." I lifted my head up and brushed my lips to his, closing my eyes, savouring the soft touch. Opening my eyes again, I saw his still closed, "You should probably attend to your fans, we've got plenty of time together. I get to spend all night with you, they don't."

Alex glanced at the people behind the metal barriers, "Thank god."

I lightly smacked him on the arm, "Don't say that."

He rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean. I only want to be with you tonight."

This time it was me who rolled my eyes, "Just go."

He turned towards them, where the other guys were busy signing and talking to people, Brea and Katie by their sides, "We both go."

"Yes."

I stood by his side, smiling at the people who he was talking to, their stilted English sometimes getting the better of them. Occasionally I would translate for him, and he and the fan would give me a small smile of gratitude.

I glanced up at where the street lamps shone down on us. The rain had now turned into a heavy mist that swirled in the wind. I watched in awe as it was shaped into waves and swirls, so much so you could almost imagine you could see the wind. It was so beautiful. In the glow of one of the lights, two men stood, their well muscled bodies casting large shadows down on to the glowing floor. They looked at the crowds with a professional eye, waiting to spot anybody that would cause a roucas. Never would I have imagined that one day I would be under the protection of professional bodyguards. How times had changed.

I felt a tug from Alex's arm around my waist as he leant in to take a selfie with a young woman. I learnt away so I wouldn't photo bomb their photo, but the woman gestured for me to be in the picture. Feeling slightly out of place I put my face next to Alex's and stretched my lips into what I hoped was a nice smile. There was a click and then we pulled apart and Alex and I bid goodbye to the woman who was smiling like Christmas had come early. Looking around I noticed that the others were now heading towards the waiting black cars the sat along the pavement. Giving the crowd of fans and photographers a last wave, Alex moved us towards the shining black cars. He let go of me as we neared the door, which I opened and slid onto the soft leather seat, moving up so Alex could sit next to me. It was just us in the car, the others having chosen the other vacant ones.

Alex closed the door to the weather and lights, immersing us in the dark warm gloom of the car. Lights from outside cast a few beams down onto our laps. The car's engine started with a soft hum, the faceless driver pulling away from the curb. It was an half hour journey back to our hotel.

I breathed in a sigh, wiping raindrops off my face, "Well…that's something I don't do everyday."

There was silence and then, "Sorry."

I frowned at Alex as he stared ahead, "What for?"

He continued to look forwards,"For puttin' you in that situation. I know you don't like avin' all those pictures taken."

I leant my head on his damp shoulder, "It's ok. I'm going to have to get used to it if I plan on sticking around aren't I?"

Alex let out a soft laugh, "So you 'aven't been scared away yet?"

"No silly, if anything you've enticed me further into your circle of crazy fame."

"Not too far I hope. I don't need another person who is blinded by all the crap."

I smiled sadly, and took his hand. He stroked mine with his thumb, "No Alex. I'm not, and I never will."

"You 'ave no idea how glad I am that you can say that with such confidence…" He stopped and kissed my forehead, "With all the crazy shit that goes on round 'ere, I need someone who I can turn to who hasn't been pulled into the fookin' hungry jaws of fame and fortune. It's all a load of bollocks."

I was silent, processing his words, and them simply said, "I know." Because it was true.

We sat in silence for the rest of the journey, holding hands and close to each other. I looked out of my window and felt the throb of an unspoken question. There was something in the air about us tonight. Like we were both waiting for something to happen. For one of us to make the move, whatever the move may be. It tingled across my body when he stroked my hand, the waiting. This was our last night together for a little while and it felt like anything could happen.

We eventually pulled up outside the hotel, the lights from the lobby looking warm and inviting. Alex pushed open his door, and held it open, while I got out to stand by his side. He slammed it shut, making the raindrops on it splatter to the already soaking ground. He placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me towards the big doubles door that lead into the glowing warmth. I heard car doors shutting behind me and turned my head to see the others vacating their cars, heads bent against the wind that moved around us like a lover. I smiled at Jamie and Katie who were directly behind us, they smiled back, Jamie giving me a wink. I twisted my head back around as I we made our way up the small flight of stairs. As soon as we were in the hotel we made straight for the lifts that lead up to our individual rooms. Matt pressed the small gold button and we heard the creak of the lift as it zoomed down towards us. None of us spoke, as if we were content to just be in each others company. It was enough.

The doors opened, revealing a small mirrored container. We all piled in, squishing against each other. I was pretty sure it wasn't meant to hold four people, let alone eight. I giggled as I was pressed up against Katie's back, her head almost under my chin. She really is tiny. She laughed, twisting into Jamie's chest so that there was more space. I waited there pressed up against Al's and Katie's bodies. And then I realised something. We weren't moving. Like, at all.

"Guys...has anyone even pressed for a floor?" I asked, holding back my laughter.

There was a moment of silence as everyone waited for the someone to speak. I sighed and reached over Katie, pressing one of the glowing buttons on a panel on the wall, "You fucking serious guys?"

"I can not believe we just did that." Brea said from across the small room as the lift hummed to life. I started to laugh, and then the rest of the group joined in. Soon we were all in hysterics, our laughter bouncing off the walls around us.

The lift eventually shuddered to a halt, and the door slid open, revealing a carpeted hallway. Our mirth subdued, we vacated the lift and stopped outside.

"Well then, see you guys tomorrow." Matt said, holding Brea to his side. There was a murmuring of consent, and I hugged Katie and Brea, high fiving the guys. Matt stopped me as I came to him.

He nodded his head towards Al who was talking to Nick and Jamie, laughing at something, "Do me favour Rhea, an' make sure the bugger gets up on time will you? He doesn't know the meanin' of bein' on time that one."

I laughed, "And why doesn't that surprise me. Yeah, I'll do my best."

We parted ways as each of them came to their doors. Ours was last, and we pushed open with a sigh of thankfulness. Finally.

The room was dark except for a small lamp which glowed softly in the far corner. I flicked a switch, and a light on the ceiling bloomed to life, killing the shadows that lurked in the corners. I pulled off my wet jacket and flopped it over the side of one of the sofa's, then leant up against it, facing Alex.

He rubbed the back of his neck, his messing quiff pointing downwards, "So, I'm gonna go an' 'ave a shower…" He said, indicating the bathroom door.

I nodded, biting my lip, "Ok, shall I order some food? I don't know about you, but I'm really quite hungry."

Alex shrugged off his jacket, throwing it over the back of the sofa next to mine, "Yeah, please."

He turned to go, but I took a step towards him and grabbed a handful of his shirt in my fist, pulling him back to me. He turned, a smile on his lips. I dragged him closer until we were chest to chest. Winding my arms around his neck, I brought his face close to mine. His arms slipped around my waist, hands splayed against my back.

"You were great tonight." I said quietly, looking into his eyes.

He closed them, resting his forehead on mine, "So were you."

I chuckled, "I didn't do anything."

He shook his head gently, "You did more than you will ever know."

"Well I'm glad I could be of assistance." I said, leaning closer.

"Me too." His lips were almost on mine. I closed the last gap between us, shutting my eyes and surrendering to the feel of his mouth on mine.

Eventually I drew back, needing air. I took my arms from around his neck and gave him a small push towards the bathroom, "Go shower, I'll order the food."

"Fine." He gave me one last look, and then walked away into the bedroom. I watched the door until he reappeared carrying a bundle of clothing. He glanced at me as he walked past, and I smiled, folding my arms across my chest. When he had shut the bathroom door behind him, I walked over to the telephone and picked up the menu beside it. After looking down the long list of foods, I chose what I wanted and phoned up the restaurant. I hoped it wasn't too late for food. There was a few rings, and then a voice answered, I asked if it was still ok to order food. They said it was fine so I said what I wanted and then hung up.

Taking a breath I walked over to the fireplace and turned on the gas next to it. Flame burst to life, warming my face, making me half close my eyes against the heat. Satisfied it was working, I walked to one of the sofas and flopped down, closing my eyes for a second, before opening them and starting to unlace my boots. It took a while, but I finally pulled them off and flexed my toes inside the dark material that encased them. The room was rapidly heating up and my toes felt squished in their tight confinements. Lifting up the skirt of my dress, I pulled my tights down off my legs, where they stretched and then finally freed my feet. I flexed and unflexed my toes until I felt they were suitably agile. Then I just sat on the sofa and gazed into the fire until I was brought back to the present by a small ding from the door.

The staff member who brought our food was quiet and quick in his delivery of his goods, and was out of the door before I could thank him properly. I frowned, and came to the conclusion that it _was_ nearly eleven' o'clock at night and he probably just wanted to get home.

While I was laying out the food on the table, I heard the bathroom door open and the smell of his shower drifted into the room. I stayed looking at the table, setting out the last dish, listening to his movement around the room. Hearing the bedroom door open I glanced over my shoulder to see his back disappearing into the room. I placed my hands on the edge of the table, bowing my head, yawning.

"What 'appened to the back of your legs."

I twisted round so I could see the backs of my knees. The skin there was discoloured and redder than the skin that surrounded it. On my left one, there was a scrape that was about an inch long. It didn't look especially bad, considering how it could look, to be honest I was rather proud of them. They proved to me that I worked hard.

I turned around to face him, leaning up against the table, "Well I'm hanging from my knees a lot aren't I. When you're doing that for hours on end against a hard metal bar, or dropping down silks which burn through your skin, you end up with some injuries. No pain, no gain right?"

He nodded, his brows scrunched up as he looked down at my legs. His newly washed hair flopped down onto his face, and if I wasn't mistaken that was my Strokes t-shirt he was wearing, "You're a crazy lady."

I went and sat in my seat at the table, hooking my bare feet around the legs of the chair, "If you say so." Alex came and sat opposite me, leaning back in his chair, his on me.

I smiled shyly under his gaze, looking down at my plate, "What?"

"You look beautiful today."

"What? As opposed to yesterday?"

He shook his head, reaching to play with his fook, "No, you look beautiful everyday."

I raised my eyebrows and let out a snort, "You wait until you see me when I'm ill, that'll change your mind. And let me tell you, I get ill a lot."

"Rhea?"

I looked up at him, "Yeah?"

"Just except the compliment."

I brought my hand to my face, putting my fingertips to my lips, "Ok, thank you. And Al?"

"Yeah?"

"You look beautiful everyday too."

He smirked, and if I wasn't mistaken, a light flush spread across his face, "Thanks."

"And you look _especially_ good when you wear _my_ Strokes t-shirt."

Alex let out a laugh, and reached for the food, "I know right, I think I may 'ave to keep it."

I crossed my arms, "Well then, it's only fair that I have something of yours."

"Hmm, we'll see. I'm gonna 'ave to 'ave a look through to see what you can take."

I rolled my eyes, and reached over to fill my plate, "Fine."

We ate, relishing the succulent venison and vegetables, washed down with extremely smooth red wine. I had been brought up on good food, I hadn't even been to Mcdonalds until I was 10 years old, never had Coca cola until I was nine, so I was able to truly appreciate the food set before me. Mam had always said that no matter how little money we had, she would never let it affect how we ate, and although we certainly had lean times, she kept to her word.

I licked my lips, and leant back in my chair, holding my small glass of wine in my right hand. I was warm, full and drowsy. Except that it was still there, waiting in the air. That question between us.

Alex had also finished eating and nodded his head towards me, "Good choice there love, that were delicious."

I raised my glass to him, "Well I did my best in the choosing and the cooks here aren't half bad" I took a sip of my wine. It was very good. "So, I've got something to tell you." I said, looking back at him.

He took his glass from his mouth, "Yeah?..."

"I'm getting my belly button pierced. I've had the appointment booked for months, and Jade and I are getting it done tomorrow evening." I smirked at him.

He raised an eyebrow and twisted his mouth to the side, "Well, good for you. Isn't' it going to get in the way of your training?"

I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Good, he wasn't going to have a hissy fit about it like so many other people would. It was my body.

"Na, I've done it now for a reason. We're just doing a lot of paper work at the moment, so the worst of it will have time to heal before it gets banged around a lot."

"Alright then. It's gonna look great, very sexy." He winked at me.

I laughed and stood up, "I'm glad you think so." Stretching my arms above my head, I yawned, still clutching my glass. I pushed my chair back, and softly walked to the sofa that was directly opposite the fire, placing my glass on the side table next to it. Standing in front of the blaze, I brought my hands to my head and began to pull the pins from my hair.

"Come 'ere. I'll do that." Alex said from behind me. I turned to see that he had sat down on the sofa, his eyes were hooded as he gazed at me.

"Alright," I said softly, my voice barely cutting through the heaviness in the room. The heaviness of what I know recognised as desire. I went and sat down between his parted legs, feeling his hands appear on my scalp, where they carefully began pulling the pins out and placing them on the small table.

I stared into the fire until my eyesight was blurred, "So, you know when you have this break before you go to America?"

"Yeah," A plait tumbled down onto my shoulder. He started on the next one.

"Well, what do you plan on doing then?"

There was a pause and I felt his fingertips skim the back of my neck, "Well I actually 'ave a flat in West London which I thought I would stay. So you know, I would be close to you..."

I smiled, and stroked his knee which was near my head, "That's what I was hoping for."

"An' I also 'ave to visit me parents of course."

"Of course."

We were silent for a while, Al's fingers slowly unwinding my hair until it fell in soft waves down the back of my neck. Even when it was fully undone, Alex continued to run his fingers through it.

I closed my eyes and sighed, "You know this is one of my most favourite things in the world, people playing with my hair."

He chuckled lightly, "Well you won't be short of attention from me in that department, it's so soft I could do this for hours." His voice was husky and I shivered.

I was so hot. My whole body was burning from his touch. I wanted more. Slowly, I stood up and walked over to the fire, turning it down so it was only a slight glow. I twisted around to face Al, where he sat, eyes bright and hooded as they ran down my body. I swallowed. Putting my fingertips to my lips, I met his gaze. My whole body was alive. I could feel the rough edge of my bitten nail against my tongue. I bit my lip, my teeth catching on the dry skin. I licked them.

I felt light headed as I walked towards him. When I got to his knees, I straddled his lap, my dress hiking up to reveal my white thighs.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Alex ran his hands gently up them, my skin was on fire under his touch, "Rhea..." His voice was barely a whisper.

I slid my hands up his bare arms, and moved my face to his, our lips a centimeter apart. I breathed in and closed my eyes, leaning closer until the pressure of my lips were on his. His taste was of the red wine we had drank and something else. Something so sweet and delicious I wanted to kiss him until there was no more breath left in us. His ran his hands up my back, and mine slid under his t-shirt, onto his washboard stomach. Muscle flexed under my hands. My breath shuddered out of my mouth and into his as he hands found their way under my dress. I was ablaze under his touch. I leant my head back, giving him more access to my neck as his kisses skimmed down from my mouth, down my neck and into the V of my dress. I wound my fingers through his hair, the strands still damp from the shower. Finding the hem of his t-shirt I started to pull it up and over his chest. He lifted his arms to help me, and it passed without a problem off his body. I threw it to the side and met his hot gaze. My hair was in my face and I pushed it back with a hand, licking my lips again, tasting his kiss. I could feel him through his jeans, hard against my thigh. I surveyed his chest. It certainly wasn't 'buff' but long and well muscled.

"Good enough for you darlin?"

I grinned at him and kissed his collarbone, muttering against him, "Oh, it'll do." Taking his hand, I stood up, "Come on." And walked towards the bedroom, he followed me willingly.

The bedroom was lit by the solt lamp on my side of the bed. I lead us over to the bed, where I turned to Alex, winding my arms around his neck. I looked up at it him and smiled. Then laughed and buried my face in his neck.

He lifted my head up, his hand under my chin,"What?"

I shook my head slightly, still smiling, "I don't know, I just, I'm so happy, you have no idea."

He raised his eyebrows, "You wanna bet?"

I rolled my eyes at him as he dipped his head back to my neck and began to explore. The humour that had once filled my mind evaporated to be replaced with an urgency I had forgotten I possessed. I bent my knees, sitting on the edge of the bed and bringing him down with my. Putting his hands to my shoulders, he slowly pushed me back, his lips again on mine. I moved up until I was in the middle of the bed and Alex started to push my dress up my body revealing skin. His mouth followed the dresses path, sending tingles down me, I gasped. Reaching to my side I undid the zip there and helped Alex pull it over my head, by sitting up, half on his lap. His bare skin shone in the light, my hands instantly moving to skim my fingers across the smooth flesh. His eyelids fluttered closed as my name slipped from between his parted lips.

We explored each others bodies leisurely until even that was not enough. I bent my hand behind my back, and unclipped my bra, letting it fall into my other hand and tossed it off the bed. Alex dark eyes ran down me, and he shook his head, "You're so fookin' beautiul Rhea, how has anybody ever given you up?"

Reaching out he cupped my breasts, swirling his fingers round the erect nipples, making a small moan escape my mouth. I bit my lips as his mouth followed his hands in exploring. Jesus christ. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through this. Surely I would burn up before the night was finished. He lit a heat inside of me that only got stronger and stronger the more his body was against mine.

It was now that I lost all train of thought. Hands everywhere. Skin, tongues, fingers urging me on until I knew no more. The last pieces of clothing pulled off and chucked into the unknown corners of the room. We didn't care about anything else. All that mattered was us. Now. Here. In this world of our own that we had curated, we were selfish beings, only hungry for each other.

His hand was between my thighs exploring the heat there with skillful fingers, readying me. I was ready. My whole body screamed for him to do the last act, the one that made him truly mine. Nobody would take him from me after this, no one. I met his eyes briefly. A smile of absolute contentment was on my lips. He pushed into me with a strong thrust, my breath came out in a shudder. My eyes closed, he groaned into my neck and I wrapped my legs around his back. We moved together, hips meeting hips, lips and hands all over. Faster. A storm started to flicker in me, lightning sparked all through my body, making my fingers dig into his back.

"Oh Rhea…" He breathed into my mouth. I answered with a word that sounded something like his name though I wasn't sure.

Then suddenly I am falling. I am raining down in pieces. I am scattering like light. My hips jut up and my muscles contract around him. He shudders and calls out my name once me as he too loses himself.

It takes me a while to once again hear more than our ragged breathing, and feel more than our skin stuck together by the light sheen of sweat that covers our naked bodies. I was never really lonely until the day I was born, since then I masqueraded in a skin I have worn. Now slowly he was pulling back the layers life had thrown over me. Covering me until some days I didn't even know my own face. Oh how he made my heart ache for it.

He gently pulled out and rolled to the side, still half on me, "Ah, Rhea, Rhea, Rhea…"

I smiled, and ran my fingers through his hair, where he buried his head in my neck, lips lazily kissing a trail to my heart. I pushed his shoulder so that he lay on his back and leant up onto my elbows, trailing my hair onto his face. His eyes were closed, and a smiled played on those lips of his. I pressed mine to them, kiss after small kiss until he pulled my head hard against his and kissed me fully.

"Well you get an A star baby." I giggled against his mouth.

He stroked the side of my face, "And you were out of this world."

I lifted my head up proudly and chuckled, "Well you know…"

"Yes I do know."

I rested back down on the bed and Alex placed his head on my beast. We lay in silence, letting our breathing come back under control again. Alex lazily etched the shape of my hip bone with the tips of his fingers, while I ran mine through his hair. A thought occurred to me as I idly relayed our lovemaking, and I decided I had better tell him, "Just before you freak out, I'm protected. There won't be any emergency visits to the hospital for a morning after pill tomorrow."

He lifted his head up briefly in surprise, "Oh shit, I completely forgot 'bout that."

"I know and so did I. Glad I thought ahead."

Al sighed, "Me too." Resting his head back down on me, yawning.

I rubbed my bare leg up against his side, "Not tired already are we?" I laughed.

He raised up above me with a sudden movement, so that all I could see was him, and straddled me, "I'll never be too tired to take care of you, if you get my drift" He smirked down at me.

I raised my arms above my head, "Oh I certainly get you drift Mr Turner. Well then, I'm ready to be taken care of."

"It would be my pleasure." He growled and bent down.

"Alex what are yo-," My eyes widened as I felt exactly what he was doing. "Oh my god."

_/\\_/\/\\_

Later that night I awoke to feel the bed beside me empty. Pushing up, I felt delightfully sore and sated, content. I rubbed my eyes and squinted around the room, looking for Al. I saw him hunched over the desk at the far side of the room. The small desk lamp was lit, illuminating whatever he was doing.

"Alex?" My voice was croaky from lack of use, or perhaps over use. He had sure made me scream.

He snapped his head round, "Hey."

I slumped back down and closed my eyes again, "What are you doing?"

I heard the click of the switch on the lamp and his light footfalls on the carpeted floor, "I were just writin' summat down."

I yawned and curled onto my side, "Well come and sleep, we gotta get up early," My words were slurred by the sleep that was already curling back into my body. I felt the bed covers move, and the mattress give under his weight.

"I know."

He was silent, his chest to my back, breath warm against my neck, "Rhea?"

I was almost back asleep but answered to the seriousness in his voice, "Yeah?"

"I don't want to leave again."

I snuggled back into his warm body, his bare chest soft against my naked back, "Me too Alex, me too."

_"I found a place_

_full of charms_

_A magic world_

_In my baby's arms"_

**Well, they did it. Don't lie to me. This is what you've all been waiting for isn't it! I know it, you know it, we know it. Well I'll tell you a secret, it's what I've been waiting for too. And you all have NO idea how hard it was to write this. I am still very much a virgin, who's only resources were my many book, various films and parents who have been completely open about sex all my life. I hope I did it justice, because I have no idea.**

**Also this is your Christmas present from me. To say thank you for all your support. I kinda wrote in a hurry, because I have been ill in bed for four days, and I wanted to get it to you by Christmas so really hope it's ok. I'll probably go back over it and edit a bit in the next few days.**

**AND HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE VIDEO!? It was the best Christmas present I have got so far. I love them so much.**

**Love, Sav x**


	15. Space Age Country Girl

**-Space Age Country Girl-**

_"Never again, never again, oh,_

_will there be another one quite as desirable as you"_

_-5th February 2012-_

With my knees up to my mouth, I am perfectly round. I am watching him. My body hums with energy and yet my mind is sleepy. I have been lying here for what seems like an age, not wanting to move from my perfect position. From where he is sleeping before me like an Angel who let me, a mere mortal, into his heart. It is a blessing and a curse that he has my heart too. He will probably show me the best and the worst days of my life, and I him. But thats how it works right? This relationship thing. I had lay here since the first rays of sunlight warmed my eyelids, announcing the days arrival. It was nearly time for him to wake, but I hated to do it. Let him have more time away from this world. Just a little longer of silence. Just a little longer for me to admire his beauty and know that it was mine.

A buzz rippled through the silence of the light room. I lifted my head to where the noise had come from. His phone. On his side. Not thinking much of it, but for my need of information on why someone would text at this time of morning. I leant over him, my hair skimmed his cheek, but he didn't stir, and I lay back down without incident. Squinting slightly at the brightness of his screen, still that sunset, I swiped unlock. He had a message from Matt.

**Matt:** _'im outside your door'"_

Ok. Matt was outside our door. That much was clear. Now to go and find out why. I slid out from under the warm white duvet, pressing my feet to the lush carpet. I took my time in wandering to the bedroom door that was still wide open. My foot snagged on something on the floor, I looked down in surprise to see my knickers caught on my big toe. Well he sure had a good throwing arm on him to get them all the way over here. I sniggered and pulled them on, I'd change into some others later. It occurred to me that I was still very naked when I was halfway through the next room. Looking round for something else to wear, I saw his, my, t-shirt still on the floor from where I had thrown it. I slipped it over my head, pulling my hair out from where it had got stuck underneath the collar. It barely covered anything, but I really couldn't care. It was only Matt. We both had people we would pretty much do anything for, we weren't about to take offence to each others nakedness. Still, he had only met me the other day, you never know, I may have misjudged him.

When I unlocked the door, he didn't bat an eyelid except to ask if the t-shirt was Al's. I replied with the truth, "No, it most certainly is not. It is mine, and I'm taking it back until I have in my hands a piece of his clothing. So it may be a while."

Matt laughed tiredly, and rubbed his eyes, "I'm pretty sure he'll give you summet. I'm under the impression he quite likes seein' girls in his clothes."

I raised my eyebrows, disbelief evident in my voice, I said, "Oh is that true? He seemed quite reluctant to part with his clothing yesterday. At least the clothing in his wardrobe, the stuff he was wearing on the other hand…" I finished with a wink. I was surprised at what came out of my mouth then. It was too easy to talk to him.

"I bet." His voice thick with his laugh.

"Anyway," I waved my hand dismissively, "Any reason you are here, or is it just for an early morning visit?"

He nodded to the room behind me, "Well I were gonna make sure Al were up. If I make him actually get up, he usually stays up an' isn't late."

"You did ask me to make sure he was up in time you know. I said I would."

He frowned, and scratched his cheek where stubble darkened his skin, "Did I? To be honest with you Rhea, I don't remember much from last night. Me an' Brea didn't stop the drinkin' jus' cause we left the show."

I shook my head at him and yawned, covering my mouth. My breath probably wasn't that great, I didn't want to blind him. "S'alright hun, I was just about to get him up when you texted."

"You answerin' his texts now are you?" His eyes twinkled playfully.

I laughed, "Na, not yet at least. I was just curious as to who was texting at this time in the morning."

"Well good to know, cause I don't want to to 'ave to worry about sayin' stuff I shouldn't and you readin' it."

I nodded and pointed at him, "That's right. We all gotta keep some secrets."

He turned to go, "That's true. Alright I'll see you later."

"Yeah, bye." I closed the door softly and briefly pressed my head to the hard wood. Oh yes, we all have got to have secrets, or else what's left of us?

Rubbing my face and yawning yet again, I padded back into the bedroom where Alex's soft snores still continued. Not for much longer. Smiling to myself I grabbed onto the edge of the duvet and gave it a yank, revealing Al in all his naked glory. Well I never, theres a sight I'm going to be able to see again and again. It would never get old.

Alex groaned and sat up in surprise, his eyes wide. I dropped the duvet so that it half lay on the floor and bounced onto the bed, "Wakey wakey sleepy head." I sang in my best chirpy voice.

Without giving me a glance, he snagged the duvet with his foot and pulled it back over himself. His muffled voice soon came out from under it, "I'm not gettin' up until you give me a proper wake up."

I crossed my arms and sank down next to his covered head, "And what would that consist of?"

There was a pause, "Bein' nice to me."

"Oh really, and why would I ever be nice to you?" I poked some part of him with my toe. He inched away.

"I 'ave no idea, but I just want you to be"

I picked up the corner of the duvet and stuck my head underneath, "If you insist."

I crawled under the blanket, and pulled it so it covered my whole body. He reached out and dragged me against him, putting his head on my chest, "You're wearin' clothes."

I nodded, and moved my head slightly to stop his hair tickling my nose, "Mhm, we had a visitor."

"Well we'll 'ave to do somethin' 'bout them won't we…" At first I thought he meant the visitor, then I felt his hands feel up me until they found the edge of the t-shirt and tried to yank it above my head. I held down on it firmly, "Whoa there cowboy, hold your horses. You haven't even said good morning to me yet and here you are just ripping off my clothes like I'm some wanton lady you picked up off the street." I said, pretending to be outraged.

"Well you are aren't you?" I heard the laughter in his voice.

Pushing away from him, I sat up and flicked my wild hair out of my face. Yanking down the top part of the cover I revealed Alex's flushed face, "No, you met me in a _pub_, not the _street_, and_ I'm_ the one who picked you up, not the other way around."

He stared up at me, "Fine." I raised an eyebrow, "Good morning…" I held a straight face until I could no longer, "Morning." I smiled back.

He blinked at me, "Now can I tear your clothes off?"

"Yes, if you like."

I shrieked in delight as he pulled me back under the covers.

_/\\_/\/\\_

"We should really get up now."

"I know."

"I said to Matt I would make sure you got up on time."

"I know."

"No Alex, we have to get up now."

"I know."

I pushed up off his chest and glared at him. He widened his eyes in innocence, "What? I agreed with you."

"Well in this case at least, actions speak louder than words." I turned away from him and sat on the edge of the bed, stretching my arms above my head. Sauntering to my suitcase, I picked out some purple underwear and pulled them on, humming to myself. After I had clipped my bra up, I faced Alex again, who was still lying in bed, a cigarette in hand, smoking at the ceiling.

I placed my hands on my hips, "You know I'm pretty sure it says not to smoke in here."

He waved his hands dismissively, "It's only one."

I rolled my eyes, and returned back to pulling out some clothes for myself, "And please get up now, you need a good bit of time to do your bloody hair, or are you not going to bother today?"

"I'll jus' comb it or summat. Its still got a bit of umph in it. It's not like I'm goin' anywhere special today."

I pulled out some black skinny jeans, and a dark blue tight vest top, "Whatever, just hurry up."

"Just give me a moment to enjoy my fag will you?"

I stood up and looked at him again. He had the fag hanging limply from between his lips, sitting up and running his hand through his hair. He look very good. I pointed my finger at him, "Stay right there, don't move a muscle."

He froze and and I bent back to my suitcase, unzipping it as fast as I could, "But you just said to get out of bed, you can't jus' go changin' your mind now."

Triumphantly, I pulled my camera out of the corner of the suitcase, and proceeded to turn it on. Without looking at him, I pointed towards his face, "Just stay right there ok. I have to get a picture of you."

"You could 'ave jus' said."

I looked up and smiled, "I could have, but where would have been the mystery in that?"

He smirked, "That is true."

I winked and held the camera up, "Of course it is."

He started to laugh quietly as I took photos of him, "Do you want me to do summat?"

I peeked around the camera, "No, you just stay right there. You're perfect."

I took a last one, "Well, thats done, I'm going to wash." I snatched up my clothes and skipped out into the bathroom, stopping on the way to plug in my phone and put on my feel good playlist. Turning it up loudly, I Can See Clearly Now, Johnny Nash, blared through the small speakers. I danced into the bathroom, leaving the door open, and continued to get ready for the day, singing along at the top of my voice.

I felt amazing. My whole body hummed with energy, there seemed to be a smile permanently pulling at my lips, I could just float away. I danced while I put my jeans on, which proved harder than I thought it would be, but I managed.

The door gave a small squeak as it was pushed open fully as Al walked through. He had changed into a pair of dark blue jeans, but his chest was bare, I ran my eyes over it openly. He grinned, catching the direction of my eye, and flicked the white t-shirt he was holding at me. I finished buttoning the top of my jeans, and stood up straight, just in time to miss the tip of the material. I rolled my eyes at him and turned to face the mirror again. My hair tumbled down one shoulder, slightly caught in my bra strap. I tugged at it thoughtfully. Was it an up or down day? Through the mirror I watched Al run the tap and dash water on his face, making himself gasp. Bursting into movement I pulled a hair bobble off my wrist, tying up my hair quickly, out of the way of my face. I would have it up today, but would do it properly after I washed.

Copying Alex, I turned on my tap and washed my face and under my arms. The water felt clean against my skin and I revelled in it. I squeezed out some moisturiser and applied it in dots to my cheeks, nose, chin, and forehead. Just before I rubbed it in I became aware of Alex looking at me through the mirror. My mouth twisted, "What?"

"You look awfully cute right now." He said, smiling at me.

I did a small sarcastic bow, "Well I'm glad it seems to make you happy."

He nodded, "Oh that it does."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his nose, "And you make me happy too." I laughed and looked away shyly, "I'm sorry, I'm being really soppy right now."

"Hey, its ok with me."

I met his eyes again and kissed his mouth. I could feel his bare skin against me. So soft and electric. I pulled away and laughed at him, "You are now covered in my very expensive moisturiser. You should feel honoured." I stated.

Still holding me to him, he looked at the mirror and laughed at his reflection. White cream had smeared pretty much everywhere. I let him go and began to rub mine in, "Just rub it in, it'll be fine. You'll just have extra soft skin today."

He copied me, "Well I can't really complain 'bout that can I."

I shook my head, "Nope."

I put on my deodorant and pulled on my vest, then let my hair fall back down again. Slipping my hand once more into my bag, I pulled out my favourite hair applicant. It was an oval shape and slightly bent inwards, made in the silver knotwork of celtic origins and had been my Nan's. On each end there was a hole that a carved small wooden stick is stuck through. I wound my hair into a bun and stuck the silver knotwork to my head, pushing the stick through. It held, and was tight.

"Thats beautiful." Alex said, touching my neck lightly.

I smiled at him through the mirror, "Thanks. I love it."

I finished with a swish of mascara, and a star drawn next to my eye. I had been known for them when I was in my early teens, my own personal trademark. Winking at myself, I giggled. So this is what happens when you get properly laid Rhea, how very pleasant.

The song had now changed to Second Hand News, Fleetwood Mac, as I thoughtfully made my way back to the bedroom. I nodded along to the bouncy tune while I shoved stuff back into the suitcase. Wiggling my ass in the air, I bent, zipping up the side and singing along. I stood back up and began to dance around, bringing my legs and arms up high. I heard his laughter and smiled, it was so good to hear him laugh, I was going to miss it.

I finished packing, and then helped Alex with his. He had an insane amount of clothes, although most were kept in a nice folded order. It didn't take long and we were soon shoving down some breakfast, hurrying so we could be ready on time. We ate with Rumours playing its songs quietly in the background. Halfway through the meal though, the song changed to Go Your Own Way, and I don't think I had ever moved quicker. My chair skidded back with a screech, and I ran to change the song. I hit the skip button full on, and it changed to Songbird, one of my favourites.

"You alright Rhea? I don't think I've ever seen you move that fast before…"

Sitting back down, I took a sip of my lemon tasting water. I barely noticed it in my mouth, "I don't want to hear that song."

"May I ask why?" His voice had lost that playful tone it had carried for the last hour, sensing my sudden melancholy.

I ran my finger around the top of the glass, "Yes."

"Why?"

Glancing up at him, a small smile on my mouth, I replied "I had a friend when I was 15. Meg was 21, and everything to me. She was who I wanted to be. I loved her a lot. On the first of June, I hear my Mam talking quietly to someone outside. I can tell somethings not quite right. I go outside, and my Mam is crying, and I start to cry, although I have no idea what has happened. She proceeds to tell me that Meg has been killed in a car accident that night on her way back from a festival." My voice is emotionless as I relay the story again, "I had dressed all in black that morning, no idea why, I just felt like it. So her funeral is two weeks later and hundreds of people show up. I get to sit by her coffin. The service is beautiful, there are so many people crying. I cry so much, I wonder if I will just dry up. It comes to the moment where the coffin is being taken away. Meg's boyfriend is moaning and crying across from me, he had to be carried in. When they take the coffin away we are all asked to stay in the church. We do and that song comes on. Go Your Own Way overflows onto our senses from everywhere and it plays over and over until someone remembers to turn it off." I lick my lips, "Since then I just can't bare to listen to that song."

"I'm so sorry Rhea."

I look across at him and cock my head to the side, "It's alright. I've mostly come to terms with it. Just not that song. I just can't, and it's ok. There's always the skip button."

He asked no more questions and we continue to eat. Slowly conversation is picked up again, and it is mostly forgotten.

I have on Al's grey hoody, the sleeves pushed up as I picked at the last of my food, waiting for him to finish. An abandoned egg lay on the edge of my plate.

I pointed at it, "If you ever cook me an egg with a runny yoke I'll never forgive you." I said, only half joking. I hated them. They were absolutely disgusting, the thick goo that filled my mouth. Just the thought of it made me feel sick.

"Won't be doin' that then." Al commented, glancing at the slimy white pancake. He wolfed down the last bit if his food and stood up, licking his fingers. I stood up too and piled plates on top of each other.

"Just leave that for the staff-"

I stopped him there, "Don't say, because its what they're paid for. Yes I know that, I just like to do it."

He held up his hands, "Alright…" He walked to the bedroom, and after a minute I followed.

In silence we picked up our luggage and dragged it to the door. We would have to do a second trip for Al, he had a lot. Traveling round with his home, I just couldn't do it. We were already five minutes late, but now the time had come I moved slower than I normally did. Please don't make me leave him again I begged to no one in particular.

We got to the lift and waited for it to come up to us. I looked out of the corner of my eyes at Alex. He stared at the shiny silver doors opposite us.

"I'm going to miss you." My voice was quiet and didn't carry. He heard me, "Me too Rhea."

The doors slid open and I walked in, my suitcase made a clicking noise that tapped annoyingly at my ears. He followed me in and I heard him let out a breath as he dumped one of his enormous bags onto the floor, "Hold the door open so I can get the others will you?"

"Sure." I said, and put my hand to where the door was sure to slide out. He brushed past, leaving only his scent for me. I rested my head against my hand that leant on the lift and sighed. Was it always going to be like this? And this was only for four days. How the hell were we going to cope for months?

He came back with his last bag, locking the door behind him, and dumped it on the floor, before going to stand in front of me. I let the door slide shut, and it did so with a soft swish of air. We stood in the silence until Alex placed his hands either side of my head, we are just about the same height, and kissed me. I breathed a sigh of relief at his closeness, I was so scared how easily I felt left by him. Forgotten. Our hands roamed across each other with a new familiarity that can only be born from the shared experience of becoming lovers. I used to cringe at that word, lovers. It used to remind me of those horribly embarrassing movies of those people 'in love'. I hated them, until now, until I found him.

I reached up, and stroked my hand down his cheek, looking deep into those dark souls of his, "Remember those walls I built Alex? Well baby, they're falling down so fast, they barely put up a fight. It's like you've woken me up. You're breaking every rule I put up, and its the risk that I'm taking." My breath shuddered out and I blinked back tears, "You're everything I need and more, you're the only I want." I looked at my fingers casting shadows on his skin, "It's funny, I swore I would never fall again, and I'm not, cause you're making me fly. High, way up there in the sky that I never thought I would touch again. You're my angel and you've given me back my wings..."

I held back the lump in my throat that wanted to jump forwards and drown me, "...You have no idea how thankful I am for that."

I looked again, at him. His head was slightly tilted to the side as he gazed at me. He ran his thumb across my bottom lip, and then dragged his fingers across my cheek. Bringing them away, he inspected them where they glistened in the light. My tears on his fingertips. My heart in his hands.

He met my eyes again and shook his head gently, a smile sadly pulled at the corner of his mouth, "Darlin you have opened my eyes again to the excitement life has to give. I had forgotten what it was like to hold a woman like you in my arms, cause there is no one like you. You are the first an' last of you kind an' I 'ave been lucky enough to catch your attention." He stopped and wiped away another tear that trailed down my cheek, "You 'ave no idea how lucky I feel to be wanted by you. I question myself, how could a heart like yours ever want a heart like mine?" He stopped again and seemed to look for words, his eyes searched mine. I was still as a statue, awestruck by he who stood before me, " I'll see you very soon, and when I get home, for you Rhea are now my home, I will lay down by your side, and make sure everythin' is ok. I will make everythin' alright, just so I never 'ave to see the hurt in your eyes again."

He brushed his lips to my trembling ones, "Don't cry Rhea, I won't be gone for long. I'll be home soon."

I nodded and hugged him to me, "I know, I know." He held me until my breathing evened, then looked at me again, his eyes questioning, "You ready?"

Taking one more deep breath, I nodded, "Yes." I felt him reach and press the button for downstairs. The lift burst to life. The dreamy air which had come over my mind disappeared to be replaced with an aching in my chest that made me hold him closer. Eventaully the lift had come to a halt and the doors slid open revealing the bright lights of outside. We were momentarily blinded and then jolted into movement. We stumbled out with our bags, and one of the portly bell boy people came over to help Alex with his extra luggage. I could just see the others through the glass doors at the end of the lobby. While Alex gave the keys to the room back at the reception, I slowly swayed towards them.

The air outside was refreshing, and my mind fully cleared, waking me up. There was a snap in it which made me pull Alex's hoody closer to my body.

"Oh, so they finally show their faces. Only twenty minutes late." Matt's voice boomed loudly from the group near the huge tour bus that towered over the pavement. I jerked up my head and moved towards them, "Yeah sorry about that. Kinda lost track of time."

He crossed his beefy arms, "I can see that."

Brea, who stood next to him, hit his shoulder, "Shh Matt, let it be."

I playfully hit the other, "Yeah Matt, let it be." I was only half joking, and he got the message. I wasn't annoyed, I just didn't want to have to talk about it.

"I asked for a taxi for you Rhea." Al said from behind me. I smiled at him from over my shoulder, "Thank you."

He wound his arms around my waist and kissed my exposed neck, "No problem. It'll be 'ere any minute."

"Yay…" I said, my voice filled with sarcasm.

"Better get your goodbyes over, you don't want to miss your plane."

I twisted my head round, "Oh that soon?"

"Yeah."

I slipped from his grasp and went to bid goodbye to the others. Katie was actually heading back home, while Brea and Miles were accompanying them around the last bit of France. It wasn't a very sad goodbye, as in reality I would be seeing them soon, as they were all planning to stop in London before heading to Sheffield, or something like that. I suppose it felt different with Al and I as this would be our first separation since we officially got together. Knowing that I was going to have to go from this to saying goodbye for months almost broke me right there and then, but I pushed it away and concentrated on saying goodbye to my friends.

The taxi pulled up as the last hug was being given to the somewhat reluctant Jamie, and Alex started to put my stuff in the boot. Such a gentleman at heart.

I gave the guys a last wave as they all climbed into the bus, and walked over to Alex who was leaning up against the side of the taxi, holding something in his hand.

"What's that?" I asked as I neared him. The taxi driver waited patiently inside, Alex must have said something to him.

He looked up, "Something for you."

I leant over his hands, "Ooh, really?" I loved presents.

He turned so he was the one now leaning over me, as I leant my back against the taxi, "Yes, and its very special. I would have waited until Valentine's day, but you know, I couldn't wait." He smirked.

I raised an eyebrow, "Oh really?"

"Yes. Here, have it." I looked away from his eyes and to the package he was giving me. It was flat and a square shape, covered in white paper, hard although had a delicate feel to it. It had to be a CD.

I grinned at him, "Oh my god, Alex, is this a CD?"

His eyes crinkled at the corners, "Maybe, don't open it until you get home ok?"

I groaned, "Fine."

"Good bye Rhea," He looked lovingly at me. Lovingly? Ugh, what has gotten into us? We've gone all soppy.

"Goodbye Al, see you in four days. Have a good time."

He chuckled, "Yeah, see you in four days."

He gave me a kiss which lasted longer than it should have, and then let me go. As I got into the car with my bag and present, I glanced back at him, "By the way, I'm keeping this hoody."

He crossed his arms, "We'll see."

I sat down, and looked up at him, "We will indeed."

His mouth opened as he stared down at me, and I saw his chest rise and fall, his eyes fluttering closed and then open, "Ok, Bye."

"Bye."

He grabbed the top of the door, paused, then slammed it shut. I leant back in my seat.

"Shall I go now Madame?" The drivers heavily accented English reached my ears.

I opened my eyes and answered in French, "Yes, I've got a plane to catch." I then glanced at the clock on his dash, and gasped, "Shit, _go go go. _I'm_ so_ late."

_/\\_/\/\\_

The plane ride was a blur, no Jake and Maria to keep me company this time. I just listened to music and day dreamed about the upcoming weeks with Alex. And in my bag that package waited. It burned in the back of my mind, making me continuously glance at it, my fingers itching to rip the wrapping off. But no, I would not succumb to my childish impatience, I would wait. And so I did. All the way across the channel, through the airport, out into London, in the taxi home and through the door I waited. And then I could wait no more.

Thankfully Sally didn't expect me back this early and was nowhere to be seen. I couldn't be arsed with her questions at the moment. I just wanted to open the damn thing. As quickly as I could I lugged my stuff up to my room, and dumped it on a pile on my bed. I sat down with a bump next to it and got the package out of my bag, ripping the delicate paper off. It was indeed a CD. Plain and white, the front was only marked with Alex's scrawl. It read 'Are You Mine?' in big letters made by a black biro. I pulled open the side to reveal a plain CD which too had the name of what I supposed was the song. To my surprise there was in fact a small booklet, made in the same creamy colour of the Suck It and See album cover. I slipped it out and flicked it open to the first page where Alex's handwriting swished down the page.

_To my Space Age Country Girl_

_It's so quiet while I write this, I can almost hear you dreaming. You know when you meet someone, and they just are already the person they're meant to be? Well thats you. It wasn't hard to come up with words for this song, it was hard to pick the right ones, there were so many that I wanted use. But I had to pick just the right ones to describe you, to fully capture the brilliance that is you. Even now I doubt I did you justice, for how can a word describe one who surprises me at every turn. Every minute I spend with you, I am finding out about a new part of you. And a new part of me. No word can describe that._

_You don't have to fear anymore. Stay strong, stay gold. I'll be back soon._

_Alex x_

I put my hand across my mouth. The booklet shook in my hand. A bird sang outside my window. The sky moved on and I sat frozen. He'd actually done it.

With shaking hands I picked the CD out from its case and brought it over to my CD player. As I walked over, a piece of paper fluttered down from where the CD had been. Putting the disk on the player, I stooped and picked up the slip of white paper. Again his words jumped out at me.

_Turn it up loud and read the lyrics afterwards. I know you._

He was right. It was very like me to read the lyrics before the song. Hang on, lyrics? There were lyrics? I picked up the booklet again and flipped it to the next page, past his message. Sure enough lyrics fell down the page. Before my mind could catch up with my eyes, I read the first line '_I'm a puppet on a string, Tracy-_' I tore my eyes away, and threw it back on the bed. I would follow His Almighty's orders.

Popping the lid of the CD player over the disk, I turned up the volume, hit play and waited. Guitar burst into life and I sat through the most shocked three minutes and twenty one seconds of my life.

It was perfect. Everything was perfect. My blood boiled, and tingles trickled down me until I was pure energy. My body moved to the beat as it vibrated through me. His voice, his everything. It wasn't' just music. It was him. And it was me. He's written a song about me. And that note. I was done. He had me, there were no more questions to be asked, except that one. The one he wanted me to ask.

When the song finished, the last words still ringing in my head, I scrambled in my bag for my phone. Locating it in the darkest, grimiest corner, I lifted it out, my whole body filled with adrenalin. My fingers twitched as I turned it on and went on to messages. Quick as I could I typed the question to him.

_'R U Mine?'_

_"You knew that he'd be trouble right before the very first kiss "_

**Hello my beautiful, wonderful readers. Hope you enjoyed this one. I quite enjoyed it, nice and simple. Also it was about time Rhea heard the bloody song, I've been waiting for weeks to write this.**

**The bit about Meg is 100% true. It happened this June of this year and I still can't listen to that song. It's just, it being Christmas and New Years is soon, well it made me think of her, and how she couldnt be here. So I just wanted to honor her memory by incorporating her in this story.**

**Thank you again for all your lovely reviews, they make me laugh, squeal and cry. No joke.**

**Love Sav xx**


	16. A Song Is Never Just Sad

**-A Song Is Never Just Sad-**

_"I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is I need_

_Call up to listen to the voice of reason_

_And got the answering machine"_

_-9th February 2012-_

Let me tell you something about myself. I'm someone who enjoys doing a lot of things over and over again. I very rarely watch new films, preferring to watch the same ones again and again, memorising each line and expression. The books on my shelves are worn from me continually re-reading them. If you look at what music I listen to, you will see that it has changed very little over the years. Many a time it would be by pure accident that I would discover a new artist, band, a new sound. It was just my way, I liked my routines. I found a comfort in repeating the small things. I think it probably came from having such a chaotic childhood as I travelled so much, leaving home early, it gave me a steady feeling. One that I craved at times of emotional turmoil. Like now. I was lying on my bed, flicking through Instagram, wishing I wasn't, but I couldn't stop myself.

I hadn't been on Instagram for a long time, too caught up in things that were a lot more important than keeping my followers updated on being a circus freak, as you would probably agree. However, now that I had a while to lie about and do nothing I thought I would have a look at what was going on. I wish I hadn't. As soon as I had gone and turned my notifications back on, my phone had gone crazy, forcing me to turn the notifications back off again. I had gained an insane amount of followers, there were comments on every one of my pictures, all my photos had hundreds of likes. Well I suppose thats what happens when you get tagged in a photo by Breana Mcdow, and start to date a rockstar. I had been rather excited as I scrolled down my photos, reading the comments and replying to a few of my favourite followers. I was careful not to say too much though, and kept the answers to a minimum. However, the amount of negative stuff started to get to me. The pictures that Brea had put up were lovely, they made a funny feeling of belonging well up in me. However, maybe it hadn't been a great idea for Brea to put up those photos. I was starting to think I may have made a mistake, by allowing her to. The things people were saying was just plain horrible. They were beating down my shaky confidence that Alex had built up for me only a few days ago. I chided myself for thinking this. I couldn't rely on him to say everything's alright, he wasn't always going to be there to make me feel better.

I threw aside my phone in frustration and stared at the ceiling from my position on my newly made bed, scowling. Seriously, some stuff though, just really wasn't anybody elses business, why couldn't people just understand that? My body convulsed as it coughed and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand. Not only was I tired from my most recent sleepless nights, I had somehow procured a cough. I was not impressed. It was probably the late girly nights that I had, had with Jade, and also, I just didn't sleep sometimes. My body would be screaming for sleep but my mind would have way too much worrying to do about stuff that really wasn't my problem. It's just how I worked, and it sucked big time. Especially as Al was back tonight, and I really didn't want to be coughing all over him. I would probably just end up falling asleep on him, knowing me. I was able to sleep at the times when I least wanted to. Such is my life.

I rolled onto my side, pillowing my head on my arm and stared at the wall. There was a rip in the wallpaper and my fingers itched to pick at it. I scratched some dry skin on my forehead, it always got worse when I was tired, and curled into more of a ball, bringing my knees to my chin. The sun was setting outside, casting its last rays across my room. I could feel just the slightest warmth from it on a strip across my back. My hair fell across my arm, and I pulled at the strands of red that Jade had insisted on putting in. It looked pretty cool. I didn't really care. I was wearing a purple sports bra, some trackie bottoms, and my scarf. The past few days I had been giving my new piercing as much airing as possible. The swelling had pretty much all gone down now and it was looking great. I loved it.

It was warm in my room, I was starting to feel extremely drowsy, the thought of going back outside made me shudder. Alex and I had arranged to meet at Heathrow. He would stay the night at mine, then tomorrow, while I was at Circus Space, make himself at home in his flat in West London. I had talked to Sally a couple nights ago about what I had actually done while in Paris, and how I wanted him to stay tonight, but he would be in his own place afterwards. She had been slightly hurt at first that I hadn't confided in her, but had come around to the idea quickly, Sally did love to meet new people. Thinking of this made me quietly groan, so much to do. Right now all I wanted to do was curl up under my duvet and fall asleep. My body was jolted by another coughing fit. Ugh. There was buzzing noise from my phone, and I threw my arm behind me, patting around on the cover until I located it. It was a text from Alex.

**Alex Band Guy: **_'You still up for meeting me? I can just come to yours on my own if you want'_

I sighed, and flopped my arm across my eyes. I _really_ didn't want to have to go out again. I was feeling the worst I had in a long time, just thinking of getting up made me dizzy with tiredness. There was another buzz from the phone and I peeked out from under my arm.

**Alex Band Guy:** _'Missed you.'_

My gut twisted, and I sat up. Well that pretty much made my decision for me. Of course I was going to meet him. I missed him too. So much. I texted back.

_'Of course I'll come to meet you. Missed you too...a lot. x'_

I always thought you knew when you truly cared about someone by the time you missed them. It's about who you miss at two in the afternoon when you're busy, not two in morning when you're feeling lonely. To be honest I missed him at both times, make what you will of that.

Slowly I stood up. I should probably change. There were probably going to be cameras, and if I had anything to obtain, it was my image. I wasn't going to let them say I didn't care about looking good. If they did, I was going to be very pissed.

I pulled open my wardrobe and stared without seeing any of the clothes. Finally, taking a shuddering breath, I pulled out some black skinny jeans with rainbow skeleton hands on the butt, and my leather jacket. That would do, I would zip the jacket up so as not flash too much flesh, and I'd wear my scarf as well. I had just over an hour until their plane came down, so I pulled on the clothing as fast as I could.

I swayed as I wound a white blue flowered scarf around my neck, a sudden wave of dizziness over taking me. Just keep it together Rhea, it won't matter soon. I jogged down stairs, but kept a steady grip on the bannister.

The cold outside made me keep up a steady pace to the tube station, the darkening sky running along above me. I was feeling slightly high from my exhaustion when I boarded the tube, and sat in a haze of day dreams the whole ride. It really is strange dreaming with your eyes wide open. My dreams weren't even very interesting. All I thought about was what to cook for dinner tonight, my next essay, what food I needed and so on. The life of a student. Party, party, party.

The carriage shuddered to a halt and I walked out with the rest of them, pushing to get to the places I needed to be. How lonely everyone looked. I may have only lived in London for just over a year, but I had been coming here for years, and it has to be said, it is the loneliest city I have ever been to. Everyone lives so much in their own worlds, that they just don't seem to notice anyone else. I saw it, and it made me sad, not only for them but for me, because I knew, I too succumbed to it on occasion.

I ran to catch another tube that went directly to Heathrow, and stood pressed up against someones back. He was quite tall and smelled of sweat. It wasn't very pleasant, but he looked like he had, had a hard day. He smiled at me when we came to the stop, letting me out before him. I smiled back at him. And there are the ones that make it worth it.

The rush of the airport made my dizziness even worse, and I took a moment to catch my breath by the wall, closing my eyes and letting out a few coughs. I checked my phone, and saw that I had just over five minutes until they were here. The others were all parting ways, going to hotels and flats. And Alex was coming home with me. I smiled to myself as I stood in the waiting area, that damn man had me all in a twist. I had never felt so good. I shut my eyes again and all the world seemed to drop dead around me. I lifted my eyes and all is born again, sound rushing back into my ears. Well at least emotionally I had never felt this good. Physically was another matter. While I waited for them to appear out of terminal 5, I absentmindedly plaited my hair in a side plait, tying it at the end with a black bobble from off my wrist. I glanced to my right and saw Costa's bright lights. The idea of coffee passed through my mind, but I pushed it away, it was exactly what my body didn't need right now.

The hum of the crowd around me changed, and I lifted my head from inspecting my nails, I really needed to stop biting them. A smile of relief stretched across my face as I saw their familiar faces. And him. God he looked great. In his leather jacket, black T, dark glasses and jeans, he was sex on legs and all mine. Fuck yeah!

I pushed my way forwards, feeling like if I wasn't with him in the next five seconds, I wouldn't make it. _"Al."_ I said, my voice slightly raised. He had already spotted me though and was wheeling his stuff in my direction. My feet quickened their pace and soon I was close enough to see him properly. I reached him and my eyes ran over his face. It had only been four days, but man, it felt like four weeks.

"Rhea…" His voice was warm, and if I was not mistaken, full of relief. He slid the designer shades off his eyes.

I saw now that they were ever slightly glazed over, the skin underneath them shadowed, and only now did I notice the way his shoulders were slightly hunched over. The differences about him were so subtle you would only see them if you were accustomed to looking at every detail of his being. Like I was. I smiled at him and put my hand to his face, "Hey."

He wound his arms around me and pulled me against him, coming in for a kiss. I closed my eyes, and met his mouth head on, losing myself once more in being with him. Our own world. Breathing in his breath, I tasted cigarette smoke on my tongue.

I pulled away and wrinkled up my face, "You taste like your fags."

He grinned, and let out a small laugh, "Sorry about that, I had to 'ave one back then. There's some gum in my bag, I'll get it out later."

I shook my head at him, "I never said I minded.", I mumbled before kissing him again.

He pulled back after a minute, and I then felt the eyes on us, becoming aware we were in fact in Heathrow airport. I turned to face the others, who were standing patiently, "Hey guys."

They greeted me with hugs and fist bumps, until I went back to Al's side and we made our way out of the building. I was aware of people shamelessly watching us and I may have glanced a camera or two, but to be honest, I couldn't give a damn. Who cared?

We picked up the rest of their luggage on the way and Alex commented on my hair, tugging affectionately at the loose plait.

"When did you do this?" I like it, it suits you."

"What the plait or the dye?", I replied, as I lugged a bag of his onto his trolly. His glasses which I had placed on my head wobbled a bit, and I went to hold them steady.

He pushed the bag into place, "Both, but I were talkin'' mostly 'bout the dye."

I held the lock of hair, and looked down at it, "Jade did it the other night. She stayed over and insisted she experiment on me. I just read a book and didn't really notice what was happening until after."

Alex chuckled, pushing his guitar case into a more secure spot on the pile of his stuff, "You know, I still 'aven't met Jade."

I looked up at him in surprise, "God, you're right. Well we'll have to do something about that. You guys will get on great.", I laughed, and then let out a few coughs, bringing my hand across my mouth.

Alex placed his hand on my arm, "You alright?"

I let out another cough, "Yeah, I've just aquired a cough. I'm not feeling great."

He ran his eyes over my face with a new interest, "Yeah, you're lookin' quite tired."

I covered my face with my hands, "Oh god, I probably look like shit. I've been sleeping really badly."

He pulled my hands away and brought me to his side as we followed the others progress out of the building, "You and me both." A camera flashed to my right, but I didn't look or care.

I glanced at him, and kissed his cheek, "I noticed. You don't look too great yourself."

He laughed, and put his mouth to my forehead, breathing in, "We make quite a pair don't we."

I giggled and closed my eyes for a second, feeling him so close to me, "That we are."

Eventually we all made it outside, the cold winter weather pulling at our clothes. We separately hailed taxis and loaded the stuff into the individual cars. When everything was where it was meant to be, we exchanged a few words with the rest of them and made a loose plan to meet up soon. I swapped numbers with Brea, and then bid them all goodbye.

Slidding into the taxi, I sighed in relief, and closed my eyes, letting out a huge yawn. Al let out a similarly loud one next to me, making me smiled. The taxi started, noise humming in the background. I turned my head and let my eyes take in his face again. Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place that nobody else can. I moved my hand from my lap and wound my fingers through his long ones, lifting his hand up and kissing the soft skin on the back. He made a small sound and looked a me, a smile dancing in his eyes. He didn't have to say anything, but I felt it. He was here now, we finally had time together.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you so much for the song, I can't express how it made me feel. I know you said you would write it, but I never believed,", I stopped and searched for what I wanted to say, "I never believed you would put so much into it. That you would bother to care enough to...well, write something like that."

He ran his hand down the side of my face, "I don't write half heartedly Rhea. An' even if I wanted to write it with only half of my heart, I wouldn't be able to, cause, you 'ave all of my heart. At the end of the day, I'm jus' a romantic fool."

I closed my eyes and turned my face into the palm of his hand, "That you are."

We held each other in silence the rest of the journey, letting the calm air surround us. Alex would finally be meeting Sally tonight. When I had told him, he had seemed completely fine with it. To be honest, I was probably the more nervous one. And Sally wasn't even the worst of it, the rest of my family was huge and loud. Brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles and grandparents would all want to meet him, and I qualed at the thought. I wasn't really worried about how he would react with them, it was more the other way around. What would they think of him? He certainly wasn't my usual type. Other guys that I had dated were out going, pierced, long haired men, who had been brought up like me. Their childhoods were spent on the fields of festivals, learning how to cook by helping their mothers in communal kitchens, learning how to drive at the age of ten so they could help their fathers earn money, getting their first taste of weed at thirteen, that was my sort. Alex was nearly the complete opposite, and perhaps that was exactly what I needed.

The taxi pulled to a smooth halt outside the house, and I looked out of the tinted window at the vine that climbed up the house. It was looking good, more alive than it used to. I opened my door and stepped out onto the hard pavement. Alex and the taxi driver got out of their doors, walking around to the boot. I left them to haul Al's stuff out and went to open the front door. I smelt rain on the wind as I twisted the key in the second lock and glanced at the almost black sky. The street lights eliminated much of my view, but I could just about see clouds boiling above me.

Twisting the key, I was able to push the door open, a cloud of warm air surrounded me. I walked into the hall, turned on the light and automatically punched the code into the alarm. Alex and the taxi driver were bringing in the last of his stuff when I had finished. The bags filled the narrow hallway. His home, right there before me, so easily destroyed. I watched him pay the driver, with a smile and a handshake. He walked back in and shut the door quietly behind him. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about him. What I do know, is that there's something in the way he moves that makes me feel like I can't live without him. It takes my breath away and scares the shit out of me. I want him to stay. With me. For a very long time.

"Come on. We'll put these in my room." I said softly, indicating his stuff. He nodded, picking up some of the bags. As he walked past me up the stairs, I let my hand trail down his arm and saw a smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

We did a couple of trips up and down until all his stuff was half in my room, and the rest in the hall as there just wasn't enough space. When all was done I collapsed on my bed, unzipping my jacket for the first time and unwinding my scarf.

Alex slumped down next to me and let out a sigh, "I'm fookin' exhausted."

I sat up and looked down at him where he lay, his arm thrown across his eyes. He seemed to sense my gaze and removed it to meet my eyes.

"I noticed," I replied, "you been staying up a bit too late?"

"Not by choice." He yawned and ran his eyes down my exposed chest, "You just been wearin' that the whole time?"

I glanced down and remembered all I had on was my sports bra, letting out a cough, I said "Urm, yeah. Giving the new piecing some air."

He sat up more, leaning on his elbows, and looked at it properly, "Well it looks great," He looked up and smiled at me, "I like it alot."

I grinned at him, "Well I'm glad you approve."

He laughed, but it had a forced edge to it. Sitting up properly, he pulled me to him so I was straddling his lap. I bit my lip and brought my forehead to his, "Somethings bothering you..." I said. Something wasn't quite right.

He sighed again, and moved back until he was leaning against the wall. I watched his face and saw thoughts and emotions twisting around in his eyes, "Alexa texted me…" He said, his voice dead.

Shock coursed through me, but I didn't let it show, "What did she want?"

He pushed a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, "She said she wanted to talk...'bout what 'appened."

I held his hand in mine, "And...do you want to?"

He ran his hand through his quiff, messing it even more, "I don't know…" He trailed off and looked back at me from where he had been staring at the wall, "I kind of do, but at the same time, I don't know what we would say to each other. It was months ago that shit hit the fan, an' I feel like we said all we could back then."

I tilted my head to the side, "But do you truly feel like it's all done? Because, all I know Al, is that the way you're reacting to this makes me think that you still have stuff that needs to be sorted out."

"So do you think I should see her?"

I shook my head at him, "Alex it's not up to me whether you should go or not. Do you feel like you can sort the rest of this shit out on your own, or is there stuff still left unsaid?" He stayed silent, frowning down at our joined hands. I swallowed, and let a breath out. My stomach twisted at the thought of her pulling him back again. Everyone knew that they had, had a pretty much perfect relationship, for years they had been the 'dream' couple. How the hell was I going to match up to bloody Alexa fucking Chung? It was extremely early days in our relationship, pretty much anything could go wrong.

Alex looked back at me again and stroked his fingers along my neck. The feeling sent shivers down me, and I glanced at his lips, "I don't think I'll meet her. We 'ave said all we needed to. There's nothin' more to say to each other." He stopped and smiled at me, "An' anyway, I'm 'ere with you now. I don't want anythin' to spoil our few weeks together."

I caught his hand as it trailed down towards my chest, and brought his finger to my mouth. I rubbed them against my lips, and studied him. Was he really sure about this, or did he just not want to rock the boat? I knew both of us were scared to fuck stuff up, but if things didn't get sorted out in the early stages, they could seriously mess stuff up later on. And yet at the end of the day it was his choice. He still hadn't completely confided in me about what had happened. Who was I to judge his decisions?

"Well if you're sure," I replied and then turned my head to let out a cough.

"I am." His voice sounded certain, and I pulled strength from it. Sniffing, I turned back to him and leant in for a long, over due kiss. He gave it to me with enough passion to make me want it to last forever, except my body had over idea's. I thrust my head away as not to splatter him with my germs and coughed again. After I was finished, I laughed, "You know, I can't guarantee I'm not contagious."

He chuckled and slid down so I was now lying on top of him. His arms came up to the small of my back, pushing me to lie on his chest. I did so willingly, surrendering to more of his kisses, "I..." He kissed me, "...don't..." Kiss. "...care…" Kiss. I laughed at him and ran my hands through his hair. I could feel the gel on them but I didn't care. He was here. The kisses became more heated, and gasps escaped my lips. He rolled me over so I was on my back, and hovered over me, breathing hard. I ran my eyes over his face, from his bright eyes and parted lips, to his flushed cheeks and that scar below his right eyebrow.

"Come here." I whispered and pulled him back down to me.

As he loved me my mind reeled. I didn't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of looking for answers. So tired of pushing it all away. All those well meaning guys who had tried, only to be pushed aside for men who I knew would leave me as soon as they got what they wanted. I hadn't wanted anything more than someone to hold me. Someone to treat me like I was beautiful. No, Alex was making me want more, more than the bare bones of affection. Oh, it was going to hurt. We were going to hurt each other, but thats how it worked. It would hurt, because it mattered. That's how you knew you had something. At least, that's what life had taught me, and it had yet to show me any different.

When our skin touched, white hot electric coursed through me. When he called my name, it was music to my ears. When he worshipped me with the same devotion of a man whose life depended on it, I knew that I had tripped over something special. Now the thing that had tripped me was helping me back to my feet. Something good always comes with the bad, a song is never just sad.

_/\\_/\/\\_

I watched as an airplane blipped across the evening sky, a red light speeding across black velvet. They flew over every five minutes.

"Sally will be back soon." I muttered against Alex's shoulder.

"Hmm." Was his only reply. His hand made circles against the skin of my lower back. It was now completely dark outside, and Sally's return was long overdue. She had been out to visit her son, my step-uncle who lived about an hour away. I wasn't really sure if this was how I wanted her to find us, so I prepared to extract myself from Alex's embrace. When I did so however, he made a noise of protest, pulling me closer.

I trailed kisses down his neck and a small smile appeared on his lips "Al, I have to get up. I've got to make food. I did actually say I would cook tonight."

His eyes fluttered open, and he looked at me, dark and sleepy, "D'you 'ave to?"

I nodded and kissed his nose, "Yes. You can stay here though, I can get you up when the food is ready. I think you have need of rest more than me."

He closed his eyes again and let out a breath, "Yeah…" He turned his head into the pillow next to my face. I took one last look at him, and then pulled away. I instantly felt the distance, but carried on getting out of the bed. The warm air of the room kissed my bare body, as I stepped off the edge of the bed. I picked my jeans and pants off the floor, from where they had been thrown earlier, and pulled them on. Next I put my bra and a black plain t-shirt on, then tied up my hair in a high ponytail. I glanced over my shoulder back at Alex, to see he was cuddled up in the duvet, his breathing even and calm. Emotions tripped over each other at the sight of him in my bed. Who'd have known that, that split second decision that Saturday night in December would have led to this. I had made some awful decisions in my time, but that one certainly wasn't one.

Alex made a noise in his sleep, turning to the side, frowning. I went to him and stroked some of the hair off his brow, feeling it soft against my fingers. I had never felt like this. To be honest it's horrible. It makes you feel so god damn vulnerable. It opens up your chest, your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. Something I had been so scared of, and now? I just didn't know. My cards were on the table, and I was showing hearts. Brushing a soft kiss to his lips, I quietly opened the bedroom door and snuck out.

_"Nobody I asked_

_knew how he came to be the one_

_to whom you surrendered"_

**Hey my lovelies! So chapter 16, and things are getting a little deeper. Or, at least that's how I am seeing things. How about you? Please tell me what you think. I'm so enjoying your wonderful reviews. They just make me so goddamn happy!**

**Sav xx**


	17. More Than Just A Dream

**-More Than Just A Dream-**

_"And even if they were to find us_

_I wouldn't notice, I'm completely occupied"_

_-11th February 2012-_

I woke up because I couldn't breath. It probably had something to do with that fact that my face was buried in my pillow. His pillow. I lifted my head up and squinted at the clock to my right. It was a small wooden thing that glowed at night and annoyed the hell out of me. Hence the t-shirt that had been thrown over it. I poked my arm out from under the covers, and flicked the garment off, revealing the time, 9:37am. I slumped back down, careful to leave room for breathing, coughed, and closed my eyes again. I had time.

I had said that I would look after a friend of mines kids today. I loved doing it, plus it was an extra bit of money. Clara was a super Mum, her husband Dylan was away a lot of the time, one of those proper working 5 days a week, 9 to 5, type of guys. She looked after her two young children with a patience and love that I marvelled at. We had met by chance at a coffee shop when her oldest son, Charlie, tripped over and cut his knee walking into the shop. I had rushed over to help her as she already had in her arms her newborn daughter Piper. From then on we had kept in touch and I regularly looked after her kids so she could have some nights out and time to herself.

She had been hesitant to take up my Saturday, but I had talked to Alex about it and he had been totally happy to take care of them, so I had assured her it was all fine. I had arranged for her to drop them off at Al's flat at eleven this morning.

Feeling Al's leg brush up against mine, I turned my head to look at the ruffled hair at the back of his head. We had gone to bed way too late last night. Brea, Matt and Nick had all come over, Jamie and Katie having already returned to Sheffield and Miles gone to see Suki. We had stayed up late just enjoying each others company. The boys had sung for Brea and I, and it had been the funniest thing, considering we had all had quite a bit to drink by that point. They had left soon after, and Alex and I certainly hadn't gone straight to sleep. You could say we were still making up for lost time.

We had been spending every moment we could together after Al had got here the day before yesterday. I had left him yesterday morning to move his stuff out of mine, as I had, had to get to Circus Space, but I had got off early and came to his as quickly as I could. We cleaned the place as it had gathered dust in his time away, and ordered a pizza when we were done. The others had turned up soon afterwards. I smiled into the pillow as I recalled these memories.

Alex moved again, turning over towards me, pulling the whole duvet with him. I held onto my part until he was done. In sleep his face was clear and candid, devoid of the lines that everyday life forced on us. His lips were ever so slightly parted, begging to be kissed. I inched forward, until I was so close I could see each pore, each mark on him. I remember seeing a picture of him for the first time. He was looking over god knows what, his eyes far away, probably thinking up some clever lyrics. What hit me though was that the picture was completely real. It was absolutely bare of any edits, no editors tools had touched it. And still, _still_ he looked like an angel. That was the moment I took an interest in him, and not only their music.

I moved the last inch and pressed my lips to his, soft and gentle, they gave way under mine. "Hmm…", was his reply. I pulled away, but only about a centimetre, and watched a slight frown appear on his brow. Smiling, I kissed him again. This time he seemed to realise what was happening and slid his arm around my waist. I felt his smile against my lips, and snuggled into him closer.

"Good morning," I mumbled against his kiss.

"Mornin'." He replied, as he moved his lips to just below my ear.

I squirmed away, trying to hide my neck from him, "That tickles,"

He chuckled and pulled away, "That was the intention."

I let out a laugh, and laid my head on his shoulder, while his arm wound around my shoulders, hand curling into my hair. He yawned, which made me yawn and cough again. The bloody thing just didn't want to let go of its hold on my body. For a while we were silent, letting our minds try to awaken to the new day. However, my eyelids started to flutter closed as I became more comfortable in his embrace. I could hear his breathing even out again, and closed my eyes for a second. I would get up in a minute. We really, really shouldn't have stayed up so late. My mind ticked closer to sleep, my body sinking into the mattress. With a momentous amount of will, I opened my eyes again, and lifted myself from Alex. He didn't stir, it didn't matter, he wasn't the one looking after the kids. Not only did I need to get ready for the day, but I also needed to quickly make the flat child proof. I knew for a fact that there was still a couple of wine bottles on the sides, Alex's guitars were in easy reach of small hands, plus my laptop and all my work was spread out on his desk. Yes, I needed to sort out a few things.

Gently disentangling myself from Alex, who made a small noise and rolled over, I slid out of the bed and stood up. Thankfully the room was warm, and I didn't need to hurry to get clothes on, so I wandered towards the en suite bathroom that lead out of Al's bedroom. As I made my way across the middle sized room, I picked up some of my clothing off the floor and flopped it over the back of the chair that was half under his desk. Leaning up against the side of the wooden table was his guitar, its smooth surface shining slightly in the morning light. I softly plucked at one of the strings, and it made a small, clear sound that resounded throughout the room. It truly is a wonder the stuff Alex can do on a guitar. Last night I could pretty much sing any tune for him and he would pick it up instantly, finding just the right chords to go along with my voice. I had been mesmerised by the way his fingers picked at the strings. The way he seemed to completely disappear into his own world when music flowed from him.

I pushed open the bathroom door that swung out to reveal Alex's rather lush bathroom. It wasn't insane to the extent that the one in Paris had been, but it was enough to make me go, really? Though not huge, the room did have a wide quality to it, that made me feel like I had walked into a bit of a cavern. One of the things that really stood out was the bathtub. Over in the left corner the over sized bathtub resided, it's white porcelain glowing into the light from the large windows that looked over into his tiny back garden. Before he left I was definitely having a go in that, and perhaps Alex would even join me. I smirked to myself as I made my way over to the toilet. After I had done my business, I wandered over to the window and looked up at the bright sky that rolled above the flat. Pressing my forehead up against the glass, I breathed on it, until I couldn't see anything through the fog. I gently fluttered my eyelashes against the hard surface, and small slices of the outside appeared before me. I pulled back and laughed at myself quietly, I could be so weird sometimes.

Washing my hands in the smooth white sink that stood under a mirror, I checked myself out. Considering the late nights I had been having, I was looking pretty fresh, though still not my best. Looking into my eyes, I raised my eyebrows at myself, then winked. Once again I snorted, what had happened to me? It had been a while since I had felt like this. Probably had something to do with that guy sleeping in the other room.

I dried my hands and vacated the room, leaving the door ajar behind me. I glanced at the lump still residing under the covers. Seriously, Alex could probably sleep through the end of the world, wake up, and still expect everything to be the same. Me on the other hand, well, that was a completely different story. I was a very light sleeper, and I would get up at the slightest noise. I envied him, a lot.

I carried on through the room until I made it to the big wardrobe that was built into the wall, and slid the door open. My bag was dumped on the floor, next to Alex's. His stuff was still only half unpacked and I had a feeling it would remain that way. In truth he was only here for a little while, there really was no point in unpacking it all. I crouched down to my bag, and pulled out some pants and a bra, holding them in my hand I stood up and moved to the long mirror that was on the wall to my right. I ran my hands over my naked body, rolling my neck and stretching my arms above my head. Putting my hands to the bottom of my back, I arched it, until there was a satisfying crunch.

"Now that is what I like to wake up to."

I whipped my head towards where Alex was lying, his head pillowed on his arms. I grinned at him, and bent to pick up my underwear.

"Oh don't put those on, on my account." He said, his eyes running over my body.

I slid the pants up my legs, "Oh it's not, I assure you. I'm afraid that if I don't cover myself sufficiently, I may never walk from this room."

He breathed in deeply, looking up at me, "That is very true."

I turned back around to the mirror, and started to clip my bra up, then frowned. Letting the bra drop to the floor again I turned to to the side, then the other, "Alex?"

"Yes Rhea."

"Does my left boob look bigger than my right?" I turned to face him, so he could see for himself.

He frowned and inspected me, "I can't see any difference."

I frowned back and cupped them, weighing each in my hands, "I swear one feels heavier than the other."

Alex started to laugh, and sat up properly, "All I can say Rhea, is that I 'ave made a few very thorough inspections of them, an' I can say with absolute confidence that they're exactly the same."

I gave them one last look and then picked my bra back up, "If you say so."

As I clipped it up, and pulled the straps over my arms, I sighed, "You know what I envy?"

"What?" He replied from behind me. The bed made a noise as he crawled off it.

I watched him through the mirror and carried on, "I envy women who can just not bother with bras. They can just slip a top over their heads and get on with the day. They have have the option of not having to bother with an uncomfortable wire thing strapped to their chest. If I did that, I can tell you right now, I would get some funny looks."

Alex chuckled as he appeared behind me. He pushed my hair aside, and kissed my neck, "You got a bit of an obsession with breasts today, love?"

I frowned at him through the mirror, "No. I've just been more aware of them lately. Probably has something to do with the fact that you wont leave them alone." As if on cue, his hands snuck up under my arms towards them. I smacked lightly at his hands, "Not now. Just because I'm naked, doesn't mean I'm free game."

He groaned at me, and pulled his hands away to run them down my naked back, "Fine."

I removed myself from his embrace, picked up the bra, and walked back to my bag of clothes, "Thank you."

He made a noise of grumpy consent, but swaggered into the bathroom. I swear he was way more cocky these days. I smiled slightly, then again, so was I. I picked through my clothes until I found some that I liked, a denim, button up dress, and wandered into the bathroom again, to wash, and make myself ready for the day.

Today was going to fun. Or at least, thats what I was hoping for. Charlie and Piper were normally easy to look after. They were easily entertained and I was hoping that Al wouldn't mind helping me with them. I had asked him if he minded them coming over, or if he wanted me to go back home, but he had been completely fine about it. I may have even detected a bit of excitement of the prospect of looking after them.

I was making coffee in his smart, but rather empty kitchen, when I realised that I hadn't gone swimming in a long time. It was definitely a random thing to remember and yet, now that I had, I wanted to. I loved swimming with a passion. And I mean really swimming, not paddling around, making waves. I mean, swimming for so long that you feel like you can go on forever, like you're invincible. You become entranced by the water, the way your body slides through it, the pull in your muscles. Maybe I would ask Alex if he would like to join me for a swim.

"I'll 'ave one of those if you don't mind."

I smiled, and continued to pour the hot water into the coffee pot, "Already one step ahead of you mate."

"What would I do without you?"

I felt his arms around my waist, "Make your own coffee."

"Hmhm." Was his only reply as he kissed my neck. I turned my head, and he touched his lips to mine. Sighing in contentment, I twisted into his arms, and wrapped mine around his neck. Careful not to knock over the things on the side, Alex lifted me up onto the hard stone of the island. I opened my legs so he could fit in between them, and pulled him closer. He let out a quiet moan that filled my mouth. My breathing became faster, and I started to feel slightly light headed as he seemed to surround me.

After what might have been seconds, minutes or even days, I pulled back and buried my head in his neck, breathing hard, "You," I stopped and took another deep breath, ",will be the death of me. I swear it."

He laughed softly, and pulled me closer, nuzzling into my hair, "An' you mine, my beautiful Arabella."

I smiled at that, my heart squeezing. We stayed silent for a while, our breathing evening out. Then, by unspoken consent, we let each other go, and I turned to pour the coffee into two mugs which Alex placed next to me. The steam curled up, filling my senses with the intoxicating smell. When they were filled, I hopped down off the side and walked over to Alex's newly stocked fridge. Though the contents was still meager, there was the essentials, so I easily located the new milk that stood alone in the door. The coffee clouded when mixed with the milk, and I stirred it thoughtfully, thinking over the last few weeks. Again. It was all I seemed to do at the moment.

I dropped a teaspoon of sugar in my mug, then turned to Alex who was popping some toast in the toaster, "You know, you still haven't taken me out on a proper date yet. We kind of just happened."

He looked up, brushing hair out of his eyes, "That we did. Do you want me to?"

I picked up my coffee and blew on the surface, making it riple , "Yeah…it would be fun," I stopped and smiled at him, "Do you want to?"

"Yeah, it would be fun." His lips twitched.

I rolled my eyes at him. Brushing my hair off my shoulder, it was getting long, I picked my phone up off the counter, and checked the time. Nearly half ten, man how time flies when you're having fun.

We proceeded to eat breakfast, and chat about nothing much. There was the starting of a routine with us. The easiness in which we moved together sometimes made me just stop and smile. As I watched him talk, the expressions that flitted across his face, I remembered what feeling truly safe was. Some part of me still watched him with all the wariness of someone who was expecting to be thrown aside again, and yet here in his house, with the sun shining in brightly through the window, I felt like pretty much anything could happen and it would all be fine. We could work it out together.

We were in the bathroom brushing our teeth, Alex was messing with his hair, when he pointed at my toothpaste, "What the hell is that?"

I looked at it in my hand, and squeezed out the green stuff on to my toothbrush, "It's toothpaste darling." I said, sarcastically.

"Ok, I know what it is, but it says Aloe Vera toothpaste. Don't you just use Aloe Vera for when you get burnt or summet?"

I put the tube down on the side, and let some water run over the brush, "Yes it is, but you can have it as a toothpaste. I've also had it as a drink, very refreshing, face cream, even a sort of cake thing." I indicated the tube, "Do you want to try it?"

He was silent for a minute, frowning down at it, his hair momentarily forgotten. I snorted, "It's only toothpaste Alex, it's not going to kill you."

He laughed and picked it up, "I know, I know." I watched as he squeezed it on his toothbrush. I bit my lip as he brought it up to his mouth. There was something I hadn't told him, it was very, very strong.

Sure enough, as Al proceeded to brush at his pearly whites, his face turned from relaxed to one of severe discomfort. I started to laugh, as he spat it out with such force that it hit the back of the sink. I laughed harder, as he continued to spit, and run water into his mouth.

Finally, his face scrunched up, he stood up straight and gave me the eye, "That," he pointed his finger at the innocent the tube, "is the most vile thing. It fookin' burns."

I sighed, and shook my head, "You just can't handle the fire." I sighed again, "You're just not man enough to take it." I gulped back another laugh.

I squealed as he grabbed me from behind, and pulled me hard up against his chest, "Oh I'm a man. I think I 'ave proved that to you more than once."

I turned my head away to stop him seeing my smile, "I'm not sure it's enough, if you can't handle the toothpaste..." I trailed off

Without any notice, he pushed my up against the side, and put his hands to the side of my face, pulling me in for a kiss. He kissed me with such passion that memories of him flooded back, and I started to get hot. Eventually, he pulled away, and leant his forehead against mine, "There, that enough of a manly kiss for you?"

I laughed softly, and pecked him on the lips, "It's more than I could ever have asked for."

_/\\_/\/\\_

The doorbell rang as I was tidying away the last bits of the previous night's adventures. I stood up from putting my coursework out of reach and said, "I'll get it."

Alex nodded from where he was sorting through his vinyls that were organised in a few boxes against the wall. He had a fantastic collection, and I couldn't wait to get time to sift through them.

I jogged down the steps from the kitchen and through his front door, into the hallway that Al shared with the neighbours. I had yet to meet them, but from what Alex had said, they weren't exactly sociable. I walked down the narrow space to the front door, where I could just about see the silhouettes of Clara and perhaps Piper through the blurred glass. Unlocking the door, I swung it open to be welcomed with Charlie's squeal of, "Rhea."

"Cariad.." I replied with the Welsh term of 'love' and immediately leant down to engulf the small boy in my arms. Holding him to me, I breathed in his smell, my affection for him making my stomach clench. After a small while he let me go, but clutched my hand, as I stood up and smiled at his Mother. Clara was looking great as usual. Sure she had the tell tale bags under her eyes, but her eyes were bright, her smile big as she stepped forwards to pull me in for a warm hug. As I hugged her I was careful not to squash Piper who was struggling in between us. At a year and a half old, she was a small child, feary like even, her white blond hair blowing in the light breeze. I smiled at her and held out my arms, which she happily leant into. I cuddled her and kissed her smooth brow.

"I'm so sorry to take over your Saturday." Clara apologised again.

I lightly touched her arm in reassurance, " Really, it's fine. I've missed these two."

She tilted her head to the side, and smiled at me, "Well, thank you again. Dylan and I just don't normally have a chance to hang out like this."

I shook my head at her, "I know. I hope he's taking you somewhere nice."

She smiled shyly, "He says it's a surprise. To be honest I'm a bit worried, but I suppose at the end of the day, we'll have a good time."

Now that she was free of children hanging onto her, Clara set about pulling the big bag off her shoulder, "So all their stuff is in here, " She indicated towards the bag, I nodded, "And I'm so sorry, but I got halfway here and realised I had completely forgotten the push chair."

I waved my hand, dismissing her apology, "It's fine. We'll manage, won't we my lovelies?"

"Rhea don't need push chair. She big an' stwong cos she does circus, she can carry us." Charlie said from beside my hip. I laughed down at him, "Well maybe not both of you at the same time, but it isn't just me today who's going to be looking after you."

As if on cue, I heard the door from upstairs open, and Alex's soft footfalls on the steps down to the front door. Clara looked behind me, her eyebrows raised slightly. She glanced back at me, giving a small nod, "I approve."

I rolled my eyes at her, and turned to look at Al who had appeared behind me. He was looking especially good in a black long sleeved top that had three small buttons near his neck. Two of them were of course unbuttoned. I smiled at him, as he came to stand next to me in the doorway. He placed his hand on the small of my back, and I leant into him. I introduced them all, the kids gave him weary looks, while Clara smiled at him approvingly until all the pleasantries were over and it was time for her to go. Saying that she would see us at four, she walked back onto the street, and into her car, Piper's lips started to wobble, but I quickly consoled her with a kiss and a cuddle. Charlie on the other hand needed a bit more than that, so I promised him a story book when we got back upstairs. With him, and Piper holding onto me, I stumbled back up, while Al picked up the bag and followed. When we closed the door behind us, we stood in silence until four year old Charlie asked Alex who he was, and why he was here. Al then crouched down before the boy, and explained everything. While I watched them together my heart gave a small squeeze. There is just something so lovely about a man engaging with a child, it's so sweet it makes your toes curl. Well mine certainly did.

The children soon became accustomed to the new place and the strange man that was hanging around with their Rhea. Piper took a while to let go off me, but soon she was off and away exploring the flat as I kept an eye on her, while I did last night's dishes. Al found out the hard way that Charlie liked to talk to me in Welsh when he wanted to say something secret, and would frequently run back to me to whisper his new findings in our language. Dylan was in fact Welsh, and had asked if I wouldn't mind talking to them in the language as much as I could. I had been happy to comply, and would do it as much as possible. Now Alex was here however, I would catch myself talking Welsh to him, then have to repeat what I had been saying.

I was lying on the sofa while Piper lay on my back, when Charlie came in and asked what the guitars were for. Alex, who had been reading next to my feet, got up and proceeded to fetch his acoustic guitar. With Charlie by his side, he strummed on the instrument, then helped the boy place his small hands on the appropriate strings. I smiled up from my book at them, and felt Piper stir on my back as Charlie and Al's music filled the room. Watching Al's fingers over Charlie's, tender in their touch, I felt tears start to prick at my eyes. I blinked rapidly, and sat up to accommodate Pipers riggling. Pulling her around onto my lap, I let her snuggle into my chest. Alex looked up from Charlie's fascinated expression, and met my eyes, smiling. I smiled back and gave him a small wink, chewing on my lip.

He had just been a wonder in accepting my life as it was. When I had woken him up to meet Sally the night that he had returned, he had been nothing but polite, funny and charming. You could say Sally had been swept off her feet. Sure he had been quieter than usual, but that was how he was with new people, something I was starting to notice. He liked to wait and watch before he decided to show who he was. A slowness that was a welcome relief in my spinning world.

I laughed quietly as I watched Charlie try to stretch his small fingers in a C on the strong strings. Popping Piper to the side, I stood up and stretched, my joints clicking. I was starting to get hungry again, and I was sure the kids would want something to eat soon. Then maybe we could all go for a walk, god knows I needed to get outside, I was starting to get a touch of cabin fever.

"I'm going to make something to eat. Do you want to come and see what you want?" I directed this question at Charlie, whose interest with the guitar was already starting to wane. He slid down from Alex's side, and walked over to me as I scooped a whinging Piper back up and made my way back into the kitchen.

"I'll 'ave some too." Alex shouted from behind me. I raised my hand above my head, two fingers in the air, "You can get it yourself."

He playfully groaned, and I heard the slight jingle as he put his guitar back down to follow me into the kitchen.

The kids decided on beans on toast, and I insisted on some chopped carrot to accompany the not too healthy meal. Looking through Alex's cupboards, I decided that he really needed to go shopping. And soon, or else there would be nothing to eat tomorrow. While I heated up the baked beans, and the kids played at our feet, Alex came and wrapped his arm around me. He wrested his chin on my shoulder and kissed me behind my ear. It tingled, and a tiny laugh spilled from my mouth, "You alright hun?", I asked.

"Hmm." He answered, as I stirred the bubbling red mixture. Putting one of my hands over his, I brushed my lips against his cheek, "You know, I think you need to get some shopping done. You're almost out of food."

"Yeah, I know. I jus' can't be arsed."

I rolled my eyes, "Well, I'm not going to be over here often if you can't get some food together."

"Well thats where you come in." He said, laughter in his voice.

"Oh really?", I said, my eyebrows raised, "Well I'm your girlfriend, not your fucking maid, so you can get that idea out of your head right now."

He tutted me, "Rhea, language, there are small ears around.

I switched the flame off, "Ah fuck you." I said, but my voice was lowered.

"Yes please." He practically growled into my ear. I swallowed, but pulled away from him, getting plates out of the cupboard on the wall, "Now who's the one being inappropriate?"

He let go off me, and let out a laugh, which made me laugh, however it soon turned into me coughing. The bloody thing just wouldn't leave me, and I had the sneaky suspicion that in the next few days I would come down with something hard. I really hoped I was wrong. I had so much to do, I really couldn't afford to be ill. Literally.

The children ate quickly, and I was aware of Charlie continually glancing out of the window, and his swinging legs. He had too much energy for his own good, it was definitely time to go out. However there was one thing that was worrying me a little. Basically everybody knew that Alex was back in London, so obviously there would be photographers on the look out for him. Usually I wouldn't mind, but now I had the kids, I was unsure as to how wise it was for them to be photographed. I had briefly talked to Clara about it, and after she had got over the fact that I was dating a famous person, as she put it, she said that at the end of the day she would prefer for there to be no pictures. And that was the problem. Hopefully, if pictures were taken, the magazines and newspapers would have the decency to blur them.

With that at the back of my mind, Al and I readied the kids to go outside into the cold. Clara had packed a good amount of clothes, and soon the kids looked like penguins, waddling around in their many layers. When we were done, Alex and I stood with hands on hips, surveying our handiwork. Alex was much more help than I had previously thought, and I was glad of him being here with us.

We pulled on our coats and scarfs, Al looked extremely adorable huddled into his scarf, and finally walked down to the front door. The wind whipped around us, and we moved close together, Piper in my arms, Charlie clinging onto Alex's hand. I looked at them all, and felt my emotions turn warm, the feeling of belonging becoming more than just a dream.

_"If I could be someone else for a week,_

_I'd spend it chasing after you"_

**I really really apologize for this being so late! So so sorry!**

**So yeah, not really into this chapter loads, but really looking forward to the next one for various reasons. So I have a question, how did you find out about this fic? I'm really generally interested.**

**Thank you again for reviewing, you are all my special wonders!**

**Sav xx**


	18. I Know

**-I Know-**

"_Suppose you've gotta do what you gotta do_

_We just weren't feeling how we wanted to"_

_-11th February 2012-_

Piper's cry of pain or outrage, I couldn't quite work it out, made me jump up of Alex's lap. I had been cuddled into his chest, keeping an eye on the kids that were playing on the climbing frame. We had however got distracted by each other, and now as I jogged back over to Piper, I felt a flash of guilt.

It turned out that she was enraged because Charlie had taken away the stick she had been playing with. On one hand it was a good thing because the stick was bloody filthy, and yet Charlie's worst habit was taking stuff from his baby sister. After I had scooped her up, and placed her on my hip, I had a word with the fluffy haired boy about his habit. He glared at me and turned away crossing his arms, I sighed, and realised it was probably time to head back. We had been out for a good couple hours now, maybe even longer, wandering around the streets, and then we had stayed in this park for what felt like an age. The wind was really picking up now, and the a black boiling mass of clouds could be seen off to my right. The last thing I wanted right now was us to get caught in the rain.

I held out my hand to Charlie, "Come on Cariad, lets head back. You're looking a bit cold."

He turned his head and inspected my hand before climbing down from his perch on the metal frame. However as soon as he was down, he walked straight past me to where Al was still sitting on the park bench. With a defiant look, well as much as he could muster, he grabbed Alex's hand. Well I had been shown. Holding back a smile, I trudged back over to them, careful not to step in the black puddle, which had a crisp packet floating it it.

"Shall we head back? They're getting a bit tired."

Alex yawned and nodded, standing up to his full height. I went to stand next to him, and we made our way out of the semi deserted park. Now I was next to him, I glanced at the side of his face that was level with mine. There was barely any height difference between us, and it was quite pleasant actually. I smiled, and thought that if I ever were to wear heels, I would probably be taller than him. I wondered if he would be the type of guy that, that sort of thing bothered him. Probably not, he had, had two tall models for girlfriends before. This turned my mind back to Alexa. Alex hadn't said anything more about her since he had mentioned that text from her. Some part of me was relieved that he wasn't one of those guys that always brought up their ex's, and yet, in the back of my mind I had a niggling worry. A worry that there was much more that happened between them. Alex still hadn't talked to me about it, not the full story anyway, and I wasn't sure if he just hadn't thought to, or if he was hiding something.

We stopped momentarily so that Alex could pick Charlie up into his arms, as the little man was started to droop. Charlie rested his head against Al's shoulder, and I watched as his eyelids started to flutter closed, his eyes becoming glazed.

Alex turned his head towards me as we walked past an old couple, and his lips twitched, "I think he's decided I'm alright."

I brushed my shoulder against his, careful not to jolt a dozing Piper, "I think he thinks you're a lot more than alright."

Alex didn't reply, but he smiled in a way that I knew he was happy. And this made me happy. We carried on in silence, only stopping when we had to re adjust the sleeping children in our arms, I had pulled Piper under the folds of my coat, and only her small white head poked out of the top. Alex would occasionally look at me and let out a small laugh, which told me plainly how ridiculous I looked. I didn't care though, her solid warmth against my chest made me feel relaxed and whole, as only a child can do to you. We finally arrived back at his, and with sore feet we ascended the stairs, pushing through the door with a relieved air. Undoing my coat, I laid Piper to sleep on our bed, and then throwing off the coat, and kicking off my leather ankle boots, I flopped down next to her. Not soon after, Alex lay down next to me, Charlie by his side. I curled up against his chest, and closed my eyes, breathing soft against his skin. His hand went to my neck, stroking. I hummed in contentment and he he let out a breathy laugh, "You're like a cat."

I smiled, "I've been called worse."

We were silent for a while longer until I could hold in the question no longer, "Have you heard from Alexa again?"

I felt his stiffen ever so slightly, his breathing stop for just a second. Just enough time for me to notice. I pressed my lips hard together. "Yes, I have.", he replied

I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't, so I spoke again, "What did she say?"

"Just ok really, nothin' much. Jus' that she understands it may be a bit early. That now I have you it's different." My eyes followed the thread in the neck of his top. Watched as his pulse bumped against his skin, warm.

"You know…," I stopped and breathed in, then out, "If you want, we could...maybe meet her together. If that would be better."

I felt him lift up his head, and I looked up. His eyes were dark and guarded, "Rhea, really everythin' is fine. There is no need for us to meet her, or vice versa. It's over." He removed his hand from my neck and rolled away from me, onto his back, throwing his arm across his eyes.

I sighed, and nearly rolled my eyes, but stopped myself. We stayed in a rigid silence, things were going unsaid, but neither of us really knew what they were. Not yet at least.

I closed my eyes and must have dozed off at some point, because I opened them again and Piper was sitting next to me palming my face, Alex and Charlie were nowhere to be seen. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, looking around the room that was filled with the late afternoon light. I thoughtfully brushed at Piper's hair, soft and smooth against my fingers. "Oh Pipes, what am I going to do?" She gave me a look and let out a small noise, "Am I being over sensitive about this? Should I leave it be?"

Turning away, she crawled to the side of the bed, and slide down slowly off the side, slumping to the floor. Pulling herself back up, she looked at me expectantly. I couldn't help myself and smiled at her, "Alright, I'm coming." I stepped down next to her, and whipped her up into the air, holding her high above my head. She let out a squeal, and giggled. I laughed with her, and my mood lightened. Putting her onto my shoulders, she grabbed fistfuls of my hair, I wandered into the other room. Through the kitchen and into the lounge where the TV was flickering, while Alex and Charlie stared at the actions of Tom &amp; Jerry. I watched them, both were slouched down on the sofa, eyes glazed over, a small smile on their lips. Piper riggled to get down, and I brought her down to the floor, letting her crawl towards her brother. They both started as she popped her head around the sofa. Charlie helped pull her up to sit next to him, and they continued to watch. Alex glanced behind him at me, and then turned back at the TV. Still off with me I see. This time I did roll my eyes, and walked back into the kitchen. I needed a drink.

Watching the steam curl from my mug, I flicked my phone on to check the time. My, had the day passed quickly, it was ten to four, Clara would be here soon. My body felt the long day, and I yawned, closing my eyes for a second. My moment of rest was interrupted by my body's need to cough, and I soon had to jump up to go and spit down the toilet. This really wasn't fun. When I arrived back I texted Jade for a while, and made a promise to meet up soon. We wouldn't be able to this weekend, as not only was I fully booked, but she also had too much on her plate. Jade was a keen photographer, and she was at the moment apprenticing at a small magazine. They were of course running her off her feet, she was the new kid after all.

The doorbell rang through the flat, and I heard Charlie shout, "_Mummy_." I listened to his small feet patter against the floor and through the door, Al must have let him out. Slowly I got up from the kitchen table, and walked towards the lounge, suddenly hesitant at the thought of being left alone with Alex. I wanted to talk about it, but how? I gathered up their belongings, and stuffed them as neatly as I could into the bag. I did a last look around and descended the stairs to where I could hear their voices. Alex was leaning up against the doorframe, arms crossed as he chatted to Clara and Dylan, who each had a child in their arms. I smiled at them, they looked very happy, and handed them the childrens shoes. This time as I stood next to Alex he didn't put his arm around me, and I didn't lean towards him. I felt the space, and I hoped he did too. I told the story of the day, Clara was anxious to know they hadn't been too much of a handful, I assured her, they had been wonderful. Alex would occasionally put in his point of view, and by the time they left it felt almost normal. Well it did until we got upstairs again. There was an awkward silence, which Alex eventually broke, "Do you wanna go out tonight? We could go to a club or summet. Go an' 'ave a drink."

I rubbed the back of my neck, a habit I seemed to have picked up from him "Urm, actually, I have stuff I need to do. Plus I'm really tired, I was kinda hoping we could just stay in. Have a quiet evening here."

"An' why doesn't that surprise me." He scowled.

I jerked my head up, "What's that supposed to mean?"

He rolled his eyes, "It means exactly what you think it does. Don't play dumb with me, god knows you study enough."

What the hell. "Well I'm_ sorry_ I have to keep up with my education. I would like to remind you that I am in fact doing a _degree_ at the moment."

"I _know_ that Rhea. I just thought that as I've just come back you would 'ave more time to be with me."

I took a step towards him, previous feelings of unrest coming up to the surface, "Look ok, I have worked _hard_ to get where I am at the moment. I've made that much clear all the way along. I don't know where you got the notion that I would just drop everything to be with you." I jabbed my finger in his direction, "The whole _fucking world_ doesnt revolve around you, you know"

He turned away from me and ran his hands through his hair, "Well I suppose that means you won't be able to come with me to Highgreen next weekend." His tone was hard and accusing.

It hurt, and I glared at the back of his head, "No, I can't. It's all I can do to make time for _you_ and _everybody_ else in my life, let alone take off time to drive all the way up there and back." I stepped closer to him, softening my voice, "Look, I'm honoured that you want to take me to your home, really. I just really don't have the means at the moment. I want to, so much, I just...time is so short at the moment." He was silent, his silhouette against the window was cold. I went and stood behind him. "Alex, I'm sorry." I touched him lightly on the shoulder, but he turned away from me, walking to where his jacket was slung over the sofa.

I threw my hands up, "Alex, I'm _trying_ ok." My voice cracked on the last word, and I saw him falter in putting on his jacket. Hope tingled through me, but then he shrugged it on, and walked past me to the door.

He stopped next to me, but continued to look ahead, "Well maybe you should try harder."

I gasped, and took a step back. That was it, "You _fucking dick_. You're not bloody perfect either you know. Don't think I don't notice the way you get all worked up when I mention Alexa. We all have to try and I am, what the hell are you doing?"

He whipped around, his face hard, "_Don't fookin'_ bring Alexa into this."

I shook my head at him, "And why _the fuck not_ Alex? If I don't, you won't, and there's too much shit around you two, to be ignored."

He waved his hand dismissively at me, "Rhea, look, I can't deal with your bloody low self esteem right now ok."

I breathed in sharply, "Don't you fucking dare make this about me. Don't you _dare_. This is your shit, not mine."

He had now made it to the door, and yanked it open, "Well if it's my shit, _leave it alone_."

I moved forward, "But Alex you're not alone, as much as you seem to want to be, you're with me now. This affects_ me_ too, this affects _us_."

He walked through the doorway, and slammed the door shut behind him. I stood frozen in place, staring at the white paint of the door that glistened in the light. Anger bubbled in my stomach and I let out a cry of rage and frustration, hitting the wood hard with my fist, angry tears pricking at my eyes. The loud bang seemed to bring me back to my senses, and I turned around, back to the empty room. Tom &amp; Jerry still played quietly on the screen of Alex's flat screen TV, and I moved to switch it off. It hurt my eyes.

My tea was still steaming in the kitchen and I clasped it between my hands, desperate for the warmth it gave off. Inside I burned, but my skin felt frozen and I shivered gently. I stayed staring out of the window, my mind racing over what had just happened, all the things I should and shouldn't have said. Groaning I bent my head, and covered my eyes with my hands. I needed to take my mind off it, off him. If I didn't I was just going to stew over it and make it much worse.

I rummaged in my bag until I pulled out what I needed. The reason I couldn't go to Highgreen next weekend was that I was already pre-booked to go and perform at a party. The lecturers and teachers at Circus Space knew a lot of us struggled financially, and were always on the look out for job opportunities for us. Hence next weekend. I was going to be dancing and doing some fire, plus a bit of aerial for this guy. He was obviously rich as it was booked at a seriously fancy place, but as long as he paid well, I couldn't care. The reason I was now pulling a half made costume out of my bag was that the poor seamstress who was making the costumes was so over worked that I had offered to make my own. She had given me the blue print of what I was meant to be doing days ago, but I had been preoccupied. With him. I zipped my bag up with more force than was necessary as he barged back into my mind, and stood up, bringing my stuff over to the bed. Turning on the lamp so that I would have more light, I sat down, cross legged, and set to work.

_/\\_/\/\\_

The needle jabbed in and out. In. Out. The silver thread glistened slightly in the light. My eyes were tired and my finger sore from where I had pricked it twice with the needle. I looked up, my neck stiff from looking down for so long. The only light in the room was from the small lamp that sat next to me, illuminating my work. Outside it was dark and cold. Alex still wasn't back. Earlier I had taken a rest from my work, and made myself more tea. While it brewed I stared down at my phone, wondering whether I should call him, or at least text and ask where he was. However I had pushed it away. He wasn't forgiven. Not yet at least, and I wasn't going to come calling after him, crying for him to come home, thats just not how I played this game.

Now the sun had set, and the niggling pool of worry in my belly was getting the better of me. I looked down at the costume in my hands, eyeing the neat stitches. The theme for the party was Burlesque, and this costume was based on one of the acts in the film with Christina Aguilera. It really was a beautiful design, all white, black and silver. I was at the moment sowing on the hand shapes that went over my breasts and butt. There was also a ruffled skirt that was meant to go over it, but had to be detachable. It was going to be rather fun to perform in, and despite my unrest, I smiled as I thought of next weekend. I started to sing to myself, as I sewed the white hands on the bottom of the black material, my fingers quick and deft. Totally lost in it, I didn't at first hear his footsteps on the stairs. I only heard him when the handle was turned, and the door was pushed open. My voice stuttered to a halt, and my hands stilled. I kept my head bent. My lips thinned, and I started to sow again. I heard his feet on the floor, all the way to the door to the bedroom, and then they stopped. I stared down at my hands as they stilled, a slight tremor in them. I slowly lifted my head, and looked at him through the dark room. His face was shadowed, and I could only just see his eyes, as he stood in the doorway. Now he was here, all the pent up emotions came forward and I swallowed back tears. I bit down hard on my lip.

He took a hesitant step forward, his hand went out, then back to his side. He looked down, and I waited. His voice broke the silence, "Rhea I'm sorry."

I stayed silent and stared at him, until he looked up at me and walked closer, "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it."

My face cracked, and I brushed a tear away. My voice was husky when I spoke, "Alex...I can take that shit from everybody else. Anybody else. Just not you. Not now."

His shoulders slumped when I finally spoke, and he made it all the way to the bed, standing over me, "I know. I don't know what came over me. I were just so angry, that you just wouldn't leave it alone. I just want to forget her."

I bowed my head, and put the costume to the side, my hands twisting together. The bed gave way as he sat next to me. He smelled of outside, and cold emanated off his jacket. Slowly I reached out my hand, and brushed it against his. He turned his around and grasped mine in his chilly ones.

"I want to forget her, but I think you're right. There's too much stuff between us to just push it away." His voice was soft, "I'm scared." His thumb brushed against the back of my hand and I looked up at his words. Our eyes met and I brought up my free hand and touched his face gently.

"I know." And I did . It made sense now. He was so scared to fuck up now, like he thought he did with her. I gently smiled, "But Alex I dare you to let me be yours. Just give in and give me the chance to prove I'm worthy. To prove to yourself that you're worthy. I know it's not easy to give up your heart, not again. But if I can make that sacrifice, then baby, so can you."

He looked at me with such an openness, that I felt like I had to look away. He spoke again, "It's funny, you say that you're the broken one, but I think it turns out I'm the one who needs mending." He leant forwards then, stopping just before me, as if asking permission. A smile touched my lips and I learnt all the way, brushing my lips to his. He was soft and frozen against me, I moved onto my knees so that I was above him. and cradled his head in my hands. He lifted his hands to my waist and held me there. Our kiss was made of our need for reassurance, our need to be forgiven and held. Fire flickered between us, and he pulled my down so that I lay over him. His hands ran up my body, and I let out a sigh of relief against his mouth. I littered kisses over his face and neck, needing him to feel me. I was here for him. Needing him to feel just how much I adored him, every bit of him. Even the bits that made me want to scream in frustration and anger. I buried my head in his neck, and breathed in his scent that was mixed with cigarette smoke and alcohol.

"Where have you been?" I asked, my voice muffled against his skin.

His arms were tight around me, but still he pulled me closer, his legs tangled with mine, "Just out. I went for that drink I wanted, smoked an' thought."

I breathed in and closed my eyes, "About what?"

"'bout Alexa, the past, future, an' of course you."

My lips twitched as he said this and I brushed my mouth against his once more, "Did it help?"

His lips were soft against my cheek as his spoke, "I think so."

"Good." And it was. This was step forward, and thats what we needed. "You're freezing." I stated after a while.

He laughed, "I know. I may 'ave to borrow your warmth."

"That's alright with me." I said, as he moved his arms from around me and pushed them up my dress. I let out a shriek as his skin came into contact with mine, and he kissed me again. He moved up above me and pushed my dress up higher, his kisses becoming more demanding. Gasps fell out of his mouth as I moved my hands between us, gentle but firm. He sat up and began to quickly undoe my dress, urgency in his movements. I helped him remove the clothing, lifting my body up to his. Next was his jacket, then hands everywhere, fingers digging into flesh, a need in every breath, every kiss, every moment of contact. My hands pulled at his hair, and his at mine. Skin was electric against mine, and I forgot about everything but him and me.

At the end of the day we had a hold over each other that couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't be shaken off easily. Sometimes I think we forgot it, and thats where we stumbled over our uncertainty of ourselves and each other.

When we spiraled down from the high of each others bodies, it seemed we landed in another world. The closeness that I felt to him, after hours of feeling very separate, made me realise how tight my body had been. Now sated and completely relaxed, I floated in his arms.

"What were you makin' when I came in?"

I opened my eyes to meet his, "My costume for next Saturday. I'm doing a Burlesque themed show for some dude, for his 21st birthday."

Alex lifted his head and frowned, "Isn't Burlesque like a strip club or summet?"

I rolled my eyes, "No. It's a sort of dance club, where they lip sing to the greats, sometimes singing themselves. There's usually a bit of circus thrown into the mix as well. That's where I come in." I stopped, and smiled, "And yes, the performers wear very skimpy outfits."

"Hmm, I'm not sure I like the sound of that." He said, only half joking.

"Well you could come and make sure nobody takes advantage of me. I'm allowed to bring two guests."

"I don't think I 'ave a choice." He stated.

I smirked, "_No_, I don't think you do. The birthday boys taken quite a liking to me."

He made a noise in his throat that sounded suspiciously like a growl, and nuzzled into my neck,"Yup, definitely goin' now. You're mine."

I smiled in satisfaction, and lifted my head so he could get better access to my neck, "So, how about some food then?"

He chuckled, "It's either food or sex with you."

I smacked his arm lightly, "Shut up you bugger and get me some food."

He sat up, and yawned, leaning over to pick his discarded t-shirt up off the ground, "I'll run and get some fish and chips from down the road."

I sat up next to him, "Yeah, sounds good." I gazed at him as he stood, pulling on his jeans, "Do you want me to come with you?"

He took one look at me huddled into his bed, and shook his head, "No, you stay right where you are. You're perfect right there."

I flopped back down and sighed, "You know you're the best boyfriend in the world right now."

He leant over me, holding himself up with his arms either side of me, "Well, I do try."

I stroked his arm, skimming my fingertips along him, "I know."

He brushed his nose against my cheek, "As do you."

I laughed and kissed his nose before he pulled away. Rubbing the skin around my mouth, it was ever so slightly sore, I said "And by the way Al, you need to shave."

He turned briefly, and saluted me, "Yes Ma'am."

"Oh, and get something for breakfast."

"Yes, yes. I'll get some Coco Pops.", he was almost at the door.

"There's also no Coffee or milk left."

"I'll pop into the corner store." He replied, while he vacated the bedroom.

"_You're amazing_.", I shouted after him.

"_I know_.", He shouted back.

I laughed until the door shut behind him, then just watched the place he had disappeared. There are many paths we choose, and I don't think we will ever truly know if we have picked the right ones. At the end of the day I don't think it really matters, as long as you have somebody to come along with you.

_"When you fit me like Sunday's frozen pitch fits the thermos flask"_

**So first argument since they got together. I hope it made sense. It was hard, but fun to write, although it made me kinda sad. Thank you for your lovely reviews, and please tell me what you think of this chapter.**

**Sav xx**


	19. Stained Glass Window

**-Stained Glass Window-**

_"When the rain is blowing in your face,_

_And the whole world is on your case,_

_I could offer you a warm embrace_

_To make you feel my love"_

_-14/15th February 2012-_

I bowed my head to the wind, and walked through it as it whistled down the busy street. My long overcoat whipped around my legs, that were clad in my skin coloured aerial tights. I was wearing nothing but my leotard, tights, coat and my Doc Martens. The coat was open, and yet I was still hot. My head throbbed, my breathing was fast, my stomach unstable. I ignored yet another questioning look from the person next to me, as I waited to cross the road, where cars rushed past, making me dizzy. Why now? I should have known this would happen. The last couple of days I had been feeling better than I had for a long time, but now I knew it was just the quiet before the storm.

I was on my way to meet Alex, as I had only just finished my day of training. We planned to go out tonight, as guess what, it was Valentine's Day, and now my stupid immune system was going to mess it all up. I was nearly there, I could see the lights spilling from the pub where we had arranged to meet. My feet quickened, and I licked my lips, tasting my lipstick against my tongue. Strawberry. When I had left Circus Space, I was feeling fine, however as I had rushed to be on time, I started to feel extremely peculiare. Now I had the overwhelming urge to just lie down, and sleep.

I looked up again, and brushed past a couple in matching suits. Shit. Oh god not now. Please. The barrels of cameras pointed at his face, as he leant up against the post outside the pub. But it wasn't a pub. No, it was a very fine looking club, exactly where photographers knew to look for well known faces. Fuck. I slowed when I neared them, hoping they wouldn't recognise my face, I hadn't been around for that long after all. My hopes were dashed, as a small weasel of a man happened to look in my direction. The irritable clicking reached my ears, and I knew I had been captured. Alex saw me at this point, and stepped down from the steps of the place, holding half a cigarette in his hands, taking off his shades with the other. I raised my eyebrows irritably at him as he neared. He had known this wasn't just a pub, and the least he could have done is told me. I swayed slightly, and a look of worry flashed across his face. He reached for me as soon as he was close enough, and I gratefully fell into his arms, but was careful not to make the movement too big. His lips looked for mine, and I automatically turned my head to meet his, letting myself briefly fall into nothing. He broke away, and took one last drag of his fag, then chucked it to the side, narrowly missing a photographer that was getting too close. There was only two of them, but I shrunk from their gazes.

"You alright love?" He said quietly, pulling me in the direction of home and hailing for a cab at the same time.

I hung onto him, "No. I don't feel very well. At all."

He frowned down at me, "You're very hot."

I nodded, "I feel like I'm on fire. Hence the state of undress."

He laughed, and moved his arm so it was inside my coat and around my waist, "Well either way, you look way too fookin' sexy for my likin'. Those photographers got to see way more than I would 'ave liked."

"You knew there was going to be a chance of photographers. That's quite a well known place Al."

"I didn't realise they would appear so quickly. I only jus' got 'ere in the last twenty minutes."

I sniffed, and coughed, "Yeah well." I coughed again, and he gave me a small squeeze with his hand, then kissed my cheek. I smiled, "So how's Matt?".

Alex had gone to meet Matt today for an hour or so at the gym, as both Brea and I were busy. Neither of them had been impressed with the situation, it being a special day and all, but they had coped. "Yeah, he's really good. Glad to be back 'ome, well in England again. We were chattin' 'bout doin' a music video for R U Mine? May as well, as we're 'ere for a little while."

I was starting to feel cold now, and my teeth began to chatter, "That sounds g-great."

Alex stopped and held me at arms length away from him, "You're really not well are you." It was more of a statement than a question, but I nodded anyway.

He started to look worried, and pulled me back against him, "C'mon , 'ere's the cab."

For once I didn't argue, and happily crawled into the backseat of it, shivering all the while. The photographers had been following us, and their flashes became more insistent as we drove away. Alex held me to him all the way back, occasionally brushing his lips against some part of my face. I closed my eyes for most of the ride, and they were welcome distractions from my pounding head. We finally, finally, arrived, just as I was about to freeze to death. Al took my bag for me, and paid the driver as I fished his key out of his pocket, and opened the front door. I staggered up the stairs, the world swaying ever so slightly. When I made it into the front room, I stood there, and gazed at the small bouquet of lilac and white Lavender on the table. It was my favourite, and I slowly walked over to smell it's heavenly scent.

"It's your favourite right?" He asked from behind me. I felt him approach.

"Yes, thank you." I smiled, "I wish I could smell them better. My nose is so blocked up." I sniffed again to prove my point.

He hugged me from behind and laughed, "Happy Valentines for the third time."

I laughed too, but then that turned into coughing, and I groaned as it made my head hurt even more. I turned towards him and shivered into his arms, "I think we may have to postpone tonight. I'm so sorry."

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Yeah, I think so, but don't apologize for bein' ill. It's not your fault."

"Maybe not, it's just my faulty immune system."

"Maybe. I think what you need is a bath. Shall I run you one?"

I poked him in the chest, "You saying I smell?"

He rolled his eyes, and tugged me in the direction of the bedroom, "No. I jus' think it's a good way to warm up."

I sighed at the thought of emerging myself in hot water. Yes, it sounded very good.

While Al turned on the taps for me, I stripped of my meager amount of clothes, and then huddled into a towel until the bath was ready. Letting the towel fall to the floor, I put my foot into the slightly blue water, testing it. Perfection. Gratefully I slid into the tub, and let out a groan of satisfaction as the water covered my body. Not only did it warm me, but relax my stiff and sore muscles

"Good enough for you?"

I closed my eyes and sunk down deeper, "You have no idea."

I heard him smile and pull up the chair to sit next to me, "How was your day?"

I was silent, trying to recall what today had consisted of, "Urm, just the usual really. We're focusing more on directing at the moment, so I've been partnered up with someone to do an essay on it. Very interesting. I just wish I had more energy for it."

"Would you like to direct shows?" He said, leaning closer so he could play with a strand of my hair.

I frowned and thought over this, "In a way yes. Although I don't think I'm, well, strong enough to. Directors have to be quite forceful people. They have to get their point across, and make people do stuff, and yet, to be a good one, the people you're working with have to respect you. I don't think I'm that great at that sort of thing."

"Actually I think you would be. Contrary to what you believe, quite a lot of people find it easy to respect an' like you."

I snorted and poked one of the taps with my toe, "Yeah, but you're meant to say that."

"Of course I am. It's jus' a bonus its true." He laughed out.

"Ah, what would I do without your smart mouth?" I smiled, kissing his finger where it skimmed across my top lip.

"Lead a normal life, but always 'ave the feelin' somethin' is missin', aka, my smart mouth" He suggested.

"You got that right." We were silent and I heard him yawn, the chair creaked as he slumped down, "You know, you don't have to stay here with me."

"Yeah, alright. I'm just gonna go an' get summet to eat, you'll want summet right?"

I shook my head, "Na, I'm alright. I'm really not hungry."

"Wow, ok." Giving my hair one last touch, he left the room, shutting the door softly behind him. I sunk down deeper, until only my face was above the water. Normally when I came back from a day training, I would be starving, and would barely talk to Al before I had, had something to eat. I hadn't eaten since breakfast today.

I lay in a sort of dozing bliss, losing track of time. However the heat built up and became too much for my already over heated body. I felt like I was being covered in it, and found it hard to breath. Pushing myself out of the bath, I swayed to standing, holding onto the wall for support. I dried myself, but not very well as every movement made my head throb more. Pain banged against the inside of my skull, and I groaned in discomfort. Putting on some pajamas was an absolute nightmare, and I bit back a sob of frustration as my weak muscles refused to cooperate with me. I finally managed to slide them on, and wound the towel around my dripping hair. Stumbling towards the door, I pulled it open, revealing the bedroom. I took a step inside. Then suddenly my eyesight started to cloud over. A massive amount of sound filled my head, and the world seemed to move beneath me. Oh fuck. Not now. There was a loud bang, and my vision became completely black, my body jolting as it hit the floor. My breath was punched out of me. The floor seemed to suck me downwards. I couldn't lift a finger. I couldn't even lift my eyelids that had fallen over my eyes. My whole body throbbed, like I was one big heart beat. I have no idea how long I was there for, floating in the darkness of nothing. All I know is that I eventually became aware of somebody calling my name. Over and over. I was being shaken. With a humongous amount of struggle I opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling. My hearing was coming back now, as was my eyesight, and I ever so slowly turned my head to the side.

"_Fook_. Rhea?_ Rhea?_ Are you alright? Jesus _fookin' christ_.", Alex leant over me, and I looked at him. His eyes were wild, hands on my face.

"I'm alright. Just get me onto the bed.", my voice was barely a whisper, but he heard me. Gently, as though I was but a delicate flower, he lifted me into his arms, and laid me on the bed. He sat next to me, and held onto my hands, "What 'appenened?"

I brought my finger to my lips, "Shh.." I just needed silence. The world was still moving around under me, and I was feeling slightly sick. Every muscles and bone in my body felt sore.

When I felt sufficiently more ok, I opened my eyes again, to meet Al's ones that watched my every movement, "I have low blood pressure, so I get dizzy quite easily. Then when I'm ill it gets worse. So going from a really hot bath to the coldness of this room, made my body just go 'What the fuck?', and I fainted".

He let go of my hand, and rubbed his across his face, "Jesus, it scared the shit out of me. I jus' walk in, an' you're passed out on the floor." He looked back at me, and I smiled a tiny smile, "Anythin' else you need to tell me, health wise?"

"Not really. Nothing that's important now."

A frown made its way onto his face, and I sighed, "Rhea? Are you sure?"

"Hmhm." I replied. There were times and places for things to be said, and now wasn't one of them.

He was silent, and then let out a long breath, "Alright well, is there anythin' you need?"

I sat up slowly, the world only slightly moving, and took the towel off my head, placing it on my pillow so it wouldn't get soaked by my wet hair, "Some water would be lovely."

"Ok, I'll be back in a minute, "He turned to go then hesitated slightly. I waved my hand at him, "Don't worry. I'm fine, it was only a small faint."

"Hmm.", was all he said before he left the room.

I turned over onto my side, my whole body aching, and pillowed my hands under my head. The light that spread out through the window hurt my eyes so I closed them. My skin vibrated with heat. I frowned, all my medical stuff was back at Sally's and I was in no fit state to go back and get it. I could possibly get Alex to, but I had a sneaky suspicion that he was going to be joining me in bed soon. Ever since he had returned, I had been waiting for him to fall ill. Normally after someone gets time to rest, after they've pushed themselves to the limit, they just collapse. Now I couldn't help noticing Al's red cheeks, the bags under his eyes, and the amount of times he was clearing his throat in the last two days. Hopefully for me, this was just going to be a one night thing, as I really couldn't spare any time to be ill. I had signed up to help a group at Circus Space, I had my essay, plus tomorrow I was supposed to be helping teach some of the BTEC students and I had a rehearsal for Saturday.

My mind started to fade into nothing, and by the time Alex was back, I was close to falling over the edge into sleep. As predicted, I felt the weight of his body lay down next to me, his hand lightly touching the small of my back. My lips twitched, and I went the last step, falling into nothing.

_/\\_/\/\\_

That night was absolute hell. My temperature raged, and dreams continued one after another. Except most of the time they weren't dreams for me. Nightmares clouded my every thought, and I tossed and turned in silent agony as memories slipped past the barrier of my mind, and seemed to become reality. His face, his words, my worst doubts and fears pushed and kicked into me, until I would wake, tears trickling down my face. Only to fall once again into the whirlpool of my past.

I finally blinked my eyes open, and for the first time in what seemed like an age, I didn't see some new horror before me. The first light of dawn lazily swam into the room, making me squint at it's brilliance. My eyes felt sore and swollen from the tears, and I rubbed at them until they felt sufficiently more alive. Turning over onto my back, my foot felt Al's leg and looked at him. Like me the covers were thrown off him, his brow shiny, his breathing fast and sharp. Lifting up my hand, I touched his forehead, heat instantly warming my fingers. Shit. Slowly, I sat up, and bowed my head, swaying slightly. Glancing at the clock I saw that if I hurried I would still have time to get to Circus Space in time for my second class. I didn't feel well, but I wasn't dead, and I could still train. I would train. Many other people came in when they were ill. Plus, if I was off class six times, I would get thrown out. I had already been off four times, I couldn't risk it. I would phone Matt or someone to look after Alex. Feeling bad about leaving him, I brought my feet to the floor, and stood up. Expecting to fall down again, I grabbed onto the side of the bed, but it turned out I was fine.

I was trying to make myself to coffee, when Alex shouted for me. I poked my head around the door, and looked at the bed where he was lying, "What?"

He was propped up on his elbows, his eyes squinting at me. He looked like shit, and still I wanted to kiss him. I didn't dare contemplate how crap I looked.

"What the 'ell are you doin'?"

"Getting ready to go out." What did he think I was doing?

He pushed himself up to sitting, putting his hand to his head briefly, before saying, "Rhea, you're sick."

I waved my hand at him, which made me sway slightly, I was careful to not let him to see, "I feel much better now." My body betrayed me at that point, and I coughed. The jolt of it made me clutch my head, as a sharp pain pieced it.

"Rhea, don't be fookin' stupid. You can't go in this state." His voice was forceful, but husky and raw.

I pressed my lips together in annoyance. He didn't get it, "Alex, I have to go. You don't understand."

"No I don't understand, 'cause you're bein' ridiculous. You can barely stand up properly."

I narrowed my eyes at him, and went to turn away. He spoke again, "If you go now, you're just goin' to end up damagin' yourself, or someone else." He coughed.

I stopped at his words. My will crumpled, and my legs gave way underneath me, making me sit down with a thump against the doorframe. My eyes teared up, "I have to. I said I would help people today, They're depending on me." I put my hands to my face, and started to really cry. Jesus, I was a fucking mess and he knew it.

"Oh god Rhea." This just made me cry harder, and I heard him get off the bed, and stumble towards me. His arms slid around me and I leant into his shoulder "Why do I always do this Al? I make so many commitments, driving myself, and then, then I just fuck it up and I can't do what I said I would."

He sighed and held me closer, "'Cause baby, your heart's too big, an' it gets you into trouble."

I snorted, and let out a wet sounding laugh, "You're too much of a sweet talker for your own good, you know."

"Well, it seems to 'ave stopped you cryin', so I would say it's a good thing." He replied, kissing the top of my head.

I sighed, the feelings piling back in my stomach. I lifted my head off his shoulder, and wiped my face, turning it away from his eyes, "Sorry." He didn't need to see my crying face at the moment. He of course had other idea's and captured my face in his hands. I closed my eyes as he kissed me, relief made me relax into his embrace. He pulled away, "You're still beautiful when you cry."

To my utter horror I felt myself blush, and once again covered my face with my hands. He pulled them away, and went to to stand. However, when he was halfway up, he staggered, and had to clutch onto the doorframe. "Fookin' 'ell.", he sat back down, and went onto his hands and knees. I watched from my position behind him, as he crawled towards the bed. Looking back at me, he motioned with his head, "C'mon love, lets not stay on the floor any longer." I copied him, and crawled towards the bed, pulling myself with great effort up onto the covers. I was breathing hard by the time I lay next to Al. It seemed my short spell of feeling better had disappeared with the good weather outside. Rain was now pattering against the window, lulling me into a haze of exhaustion. My stomach rumbled, I hadn't eaten in such a long time, but the thought of food made me feel sick, so I ignored it. Alex reached over and took my hand. I smiled. The rain pulled me away from the bed, and I slept once again. This time, though not deep, it was completely quiet in my head.

I came around and my mouth was completely dry. My fever was back up again. With shaking hands, I grasped the glass of water that Al had brought for me last night. Gulping it down, it spread through my body like ice, and I sighed in relief, placing it back on the side. I lay back down right next to Alex, who was nearly lying on top of me. He was burning up, and it didn't help my own temperature at all. Putting my hands to his shoulders, I gave a extremely pathetic shove, in a vain attempt to move him further away. He moved about half an inch, and I slumped back down, my muscles shaking. I was just readying myself for a second attempt when he stirred, and rolled over on his own accord.

"Al?", I whispered. He didn't answer, and I lightly pushed his shoulder, "_Alex?_"

This time he opened his eyes, and I watched until he was more awake before saying, "We need someone to bring us some medicine."

He rested his arm across his eyes. His voice when he spoke was rough and I suspected he had a sore throat, "Who though? The boys are all occupied…" He trailed off.

I thought for a second. Jade was working, Sally was out, the rest of my friends were at Circus Space, Mam was five hours away. I skipped through the options until I remembered him. He owed me big time, "There's J."

"What, the guy I met at the cafe?"

"Yeah. He owes me, plus it's his obligation as a friend to look after me when I'm ill."

He sighed, "Yeah, alright."

I moaned and sat up, "Ugh, I left my phone in the kitchen."

I heard him move behind me, "You know his number off by heart?"

"Yeah"

"My phones 'ere love" I lowered myself down and held out my hand to him.

Looking at the bright screen hurt my eyes to the point it was almost too painful. I squinted as I pressed in J's number. It only rang three times, before he picked up.

"_Hel-lo_"

"J, it's your girl."

"_Rhea? You got a new phone?_"

I put him on speaker and put the phone on the pillow next to my head, "Na, it's Alex's"

"_Oh, that guy you brought to meet me?_"

I snorted, "Yes, I brought him just so he could see you."

He laughed, "_Thought so. Anyway, babe, you sound shit, what's going on?_"

"You think my voice sounds shit, wait until you see me."

He groaned, _"You're ill aren't you? And that means…_"

"That means that I need you to help me. Us. We can barely get of bed, last night was an absolute nightmare, literally in my case, I need you."

He sighed, "_Did you have a fever?_"

"Yeah…"

"_Was it really bad?_" He wasn't just talking about the fever. He knew what they did to me.

"I've had worse."

"_Ok..., well Louis is here with me, so he's going to have to come._"

I smiled, and tucked my hand under my cheek, facing Alex, "It'll be nice to see him again. Just get here soon though. You know, bring all the usual."

"_Of course. You at Sally's?_"

"Nope. I'm at Al's."

"_Oh, really. Can I have the address then?_"

I looked at Alex, and raised my eyebrows in question. He nodded and I told J the address, then bid him goodbye. When he was gone, Alex started to get out of bed. I watched him, absently mindedly asking, "What are you doing?"

"I gotta 'ave a smoke."

I frowned, "Oh come on. You've got such a bad cough. It's going to do you absolutely no good at all."

He gave me a look as he slowly slid off the bed. I rolled my eyes, which really hurt, "Fine, just don't fucking breath it on me. I feel sick enough already."

He didn't answer, and stumbled carefully towards the desk where his cigarettes were. I watched him, "You know, if you insist on smoking, you could at least smoke the good stuff. Stuff that is more natural and not as bad."

He was now fiddling with the packet, shaking one out, "What like weed, or summet?"

"No. There's this stuff called Shamans Pipe, and it's not as strong. Plus there are just general other, healthier, organic stuff. If I smoke, that's what I'd smoke. Organic cigarettes."

He looked up and smiled, putting the fag to his lips, "Now thats certainly summet. An organic cigarette."

I smiled back, as he walked over to the window, and threw it open, "Yeah. Just give it thought won't you?"

"If you insist."

"I do."

I chewed on my dry lip and lazily watched him smoke out of the window. He grimaced as rain spattered on to his face, and I smiled. There were definitely worse people you could be ill with, I had hit jackpot with this one. At this point, I suddenly remembered something and sat up straight, "Shit, I forgot to phone in that I'm ill."

He turned to watch my expression of horror, "Well I'll phone them now. It'll make you seem even more ill if I phone."

I nodded, and slumped back down. I punched in the number on his phone, and handed it to him. It was a short conversation, and he was saying goodbye before he had finished his smoke. He eventually came back, and chewed gum until I proclaimed that he could now kiss me. Which he did with much we snuggled down and dozed, until the bell rung from downstairs. We realised then, that someone was going to have to walk downstairs to let them in. Fuck. It ended up that Al would go and get them in, because as he pointed out, it was his house after all.

When J came in to the bedroom, he took one look at me, and marched back out into the kitchen, proclaiming that he was about to make me a litre of honey and lemon. Louis quietly smiled in my direction, then followed J, he really is a sweet guy, exactly what J needed. Alex stayed with me, exhausted from his brief climb up and down the stairs, poor guy.

"Right ok, so here is all the stuff you need." J said from above me, when he had returned. I rolled over and squinted up at him where he loomed over me. "There's a flask of hot stuff here, a jug of cold here. Apple in this bowl, Orange in this one and all your medicine in this one. Do you need a sick bucket?"

I smiled at him, and touched his hand lightly where it hung near my head, "No, I should think it'll be ok. I doubt this is that sort of illness. Thank you so much J, you're really a wonder." Alex made a noise of agreement from where he lay at my side.

J waved his hand dismissively, "Don't worry about it. It's what friends are for right." He touched my cheek gently, and smiled sweetly down at me, "Now you rest, and try to eat something, you're looking extremely pale. And I would kiss you, but I don't want to catch anything, although to be honest I doubt this is contagious. Just you two crazy people driving yourselves too hard."

I laughed quietly, "You're probably right there hun."

He nodded, "Of course I am." He turned to go then stopped, "Oh actually, I almost forgot, I bought these clothes you've been mending or making or whatever, and the rest of your sewing kit. You know, as you will probably need something to do." He rummaged in his smart satchel that hung on his shoulder, while Louis watched him attentively, brushing his long brown hair away from his neck. J finally found them and laid the clothes across the back of chair which he had brought over as an extra table to put stuff on.

I brushed my hand against the material of a skirt I was in the process of making, "Thank you so much. You know me well."

His eyes were pensive as he did a one last look over my face, "Yes, well, I hope so." He bid us goodbye, Louis giving us a small wave, and bustled out of the flat, his job done.

"He doesn't talk much does he." Alex said from behind me.

"Who?", I asked, moving back so I was against his chest. His hand came to my bare shoulder, and he swirled his thumb against my skin.

"Louis."

I frowned, "Yeah, he's really shy. One of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet though, extremely funny when he feels comfortable enough. You should see his Gollum impression." My lips twitched as I recalled that particular memory. He had made me spit out my drink, I had been laughing so hard.

"Although he didn't let it on much, J seemed really worried 'bout you." He said, his voice questioning.

I swallowed, and closed my eyes briefly, "Sometimes, I urm, get quite ill. Not just physically, although being physically ill normally comes with it. You could say fevers and fainting are my specialty."

He was quiet for a minute, then, "What do you mean not just physically."

I hesitated, the spoke again, "Well, I think I've mentioned before about, er, well lets say an involvement I had with a man when I was fifteen. It was good at the start, so, so good, it was the nearest I had ever come to being in love. He was my everything. My one and only, he took up every minute of my attention, and I his." I stopped, and watched dust float, lonely in the air, drifting, weightless in nothing, "Well at least, that's what I thought. My family weren't as pleased with him as I was, and I guess they saw what I couldn't. He was a player, he was five years older than me, and most of all he took apart everything that I was and made me his own thing. His own play thing that he only had to call for and I was there. I was young and had no idea that such cruelty existed. Until I saw him with someone else. He was a sound techie and would be away for weeks on end, in that time he very rarely told me what he did, and I didn't mind. As long as he was with me when he was back, all could go along nicely. So he had recently missed my seventeenth birthday, and in the days afterwards I started getting doubts, as I was seeing more and more stuff that made me consider that he may be cheating on me. Eventually about a week and a half later, I saw the pictures. Him at a party with another girl, and lets just say you could tell they weren't just friends. At first I told myself that it wasn't him, the picture was blurry, he would never do that. However, when I talked to him, he was suspiciously vague about that party and the pictures. By the time he finally came back, and I saw him again, I was certain he had been unfaithful. I confronted him, and he…"

My lips stopped forming the words I wanted to make. They quivered and I licked them, overwhelmed by the emotion that I should have let go of a long time ago. Fuck that man. "He, er, denied it at first, but I refused to believe him. Seeing that I wasn't giving into his lies this time, he turned so nasty, Alex. Telling me I was nothing without him, I was his, I was worthless without his love. I fought back and called him some horrible names, finally calling him out on the shit he had done over the time we had been together. He didn't like that, no not one bit. Jamie didn't like to be challenged, it's not how his world worked, and oh, I should have known that. I should have seen it coming. He had threatened me before, and, well, this time he didn't just threaten me."

I started to tremble, my eyes filling, tears started to soak the pillow under my cheek, "Jade eventually found me in his apartment. He had done a run for it, presumably when he realised what he'd done." My words were coming in a jumbled mess now, my throat filling with past fear, "I was in hospital for a week. Four cracked ribs, a broken arm, concussion, black and blue and completely silent. Apparently I didn't talk for two months after. I don't remember. I had nothing to say. I was nobody anymore. Because of his manipulation, and my feelings for him, my friends had gone when I had no time for them, my plans for the future were dashed aside, I was a broken hollow shell of whatever I had been before him. And that is why I get badly ill, often brought on by normal illnesses. Fevers bring back everything I don't want. They make me remember and sometimes I can't forget for a long time." I couldn't go on, and cried silently into his pillow. I had, had counselling, picked everything up, worked fucking hard as shit to get where I was now. And now, here I was again, losing myself in another man. It seems the promises I made to myself, meant nothing when Al was concerned. The room was silent as my tears finally dried, and I realised he was no longer holding me. I turned my head to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the stark wall opposite him. I sat up too and stared at the bumps his spine made in the back of his t-shirt. I longed to touch them, but I dared not. Not now. I opened my mouth again, my voice was cracked, "There's nothing you can say that will make me feel better. It's all been said before, and I can't bare anyone else to say how sorry they're about it when, they have_ no idea_ what it was like."

"Then what can I possibly offer you?"

Relief coursed through me as he spoke, "You can be with me, and hold me, and treat me like a person, not some broken child. You can treat me like a normal person. And most of all, you be with me because I am me, not because I once had the misfortune of loving someone who was too damaged to see beyond his own problems. Don't be with me because you pity me."

He turned then, and looked at me like it was the first time. His face was flat and devoid of all life, except for those eyes of this. Oh the secrets they could tell me, if only I ever learnt how to read them.

"Then, that's what I'll do. But, I could never treat you like a normal person Rhea. You're one big, never endin' stained glass window, filled with so many beautiful colours that represent each part of you. An' I will give everythin' to adore an' except every single piece. Includin' the ones that cause both of us pain."

"Come here." I replied. He did as I asked and came and held me in his arms. He kissed me and lay down with me, holding me close to him until I fell to sleep. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and his spoke louder than if he had shouted it to all of the world. He still wanted to touch me, and oh how alive I felt.

That night all was silent in my sleep, the next day I was nearly better, and by Friday I was out of bed and back to work. We had been together for a total of fourteen days and I had the feeling that Alex might soon understand me more than I understood myself. Nobody ever tells you how scary that is, and how absolutely relieving it is, that it was all no longer down on you to understand everything. The sun's peeping out of the sky, where it used to be only gray.

_"When the evening shadows and the stars appear,_

_And there is no one there to dry your tears,_

_I could hold you for a million years_

_To make you feel my love"_

_Bob Dylan_

**Ha, so yeah, I feel good about this chapter. I think it was definitely about time Alex and you guys knew the whole story behind Rhea's fears. Hopefully you understand more now. Sadly this is happening everyday, all over the world, and in much more extreme cases. My Mam works with women, and men, who have been damaged and used like this. It is very much part of my life, and it makes me so upset to see it still going on in this day and age. Respect, understanding and most of all LOVE is the answer, and I beg of you to all remember this. Do not let somebody tell you, you're worthless or nothing. Do not let anyone manipulate, hurt or scare you into becoming someone you're not. Remember, you're all strong, beautiful and most of all free. Only you can put yourself behind bars, whatever they may consist of. I love you all, and thank you so much for your continuing support of this story.**


	20. Crazy

**-Crazy-**

_"You've been on my mind_

_I grow fonder every day,_

_Lose myself in time_

_Just thinking of your face_

_God only knows_

_Why it's taken me so long_

_To let my doubts go_

_You're the only one that I want"_

-Adele-One and Only-

_-18th February 2012-_

The face that stared back at me was something of beauty and pure sensual mastery. I licked my lips, so did the face in front of me. I smiled, and the blood red lips revealed my strong straight teeth. Jade had really done her best tonight, and oh, could you tell. Considering I had been sitting here for the better part of an hour and a half, I had expected something that made me go 'wow'. This took my breath away. She had relied greatly on the black eyeliner, silver eye shadow and red lipstick this time. My cheeks shimmered with fairy dust every time I moved my face, and I looked at Jade through the mirrors reflection, "Jesus, babe, you've really outdone yourself this time. Remind me why you're just doing photography?"

Her smile was relieved as she stood up straight and began to tidy some of the make up away, "Because you're the only one I enjoy doing make up on. You actually know the meaning of 'stay still'." I laughed, and watched my face in the mirror, I couldn't take my eyes off myself. I can tell you right now, if I saw myself in some club, I certainly wouldn't think twice about chatting me up.

I twizzled my chair around, and watched the medium sized dressing room spin before my eyes. I was currently getting ready to perform at that birthday party, and my muscles twitched with energy. I hadn't quite realised how excited I had been about it until I had caught the tube here, and remembered I was actually going to be performing tonight.

"So how's it going with Alex, may I ask?" Jade said from the other side of the room, where she was sorting through my costumes, "I'm looking forward to finally meeting him."

I stopped spinning, and faced her, "It's really, really good Jade." She looked up at the serious tone of my voice, "Oh god, is it really serious?"

I nodded, and grinned, hugging myself, "It's beyond anything I've ever believed I would have again."

She laughed at my ridiculous smile, "I am so glad for you hunny. It makes so happy to see you like this, especially after just being ill. I think this has to a be a record."

I looked down at my hands, the black nails shining slightly in the warm light, "Yeah, it must be."

"Anyway, come on, it can't be all perfect. He must have some disgusting habits. Does he fart in the bed then force you under the covers, or forgets to wash his clothes, or…" She trailed off.

I shook my head, "No, in fact he did my washing the other day, and he's been very apologetic if he ever does one in the bed. It's actually quite funny."

She rolled her eyes, "Oh come on, gives us some dirt."

I crossed my arms, and pointed my toes into the air, "Well, there's nothing like that. Just some days he gets really moody. Like take today for instance, first of all he _hates_ the rain, so of course it was raining, we'd run out of milk, then he got annoyed for me waking him up too early and for stepping on his bloody custom made jacket or whatever. Plus he's still not at his best, and I don't think he's totally forgiven me for not being able to see his parents this weekend."

Jade snorted, pulling a silver skirt out of one of my bags, "I swear some guys get, like, periods. So women get them once a month, but I bet you, at least once a week, there will be that one day where they're just moody fuckers, and all you can do is just keep out of their way."

I nodded my head in agreement, "I totally agree with you. And if you think about it, women get to vent all their shit on that one week a month, when do men get to do that? So I suppose they have to have their days, which is completely fair enough."

Jade made a sound of agreement, then let out a laugh, "Did he seriously get pissed at you for standing on his jacket."

This time I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, sometimes I think he cares more about clothes than I do."

"And that's saying something," she replied, bringing my first costume over to me. I stood up, and went to take off my big shirt which I had on over my underwear. Just as I was about to do this however, there was a knock on the door.

Jade made a noise of annoyance, "Please don't tell me it's another one of those bloody dancers. I swear he only has them here so he can fuck them afterwards, no matter their talent."

I agreed, Jade was referring to the birthday boy. The dancers he had hired had been a bloody nuisance, trying to get Jade to do all their make up, gossiping, and fiddling with my costumes. Jade went to the door, and pulled it open, "Look, I've told yo- oh, hello Alex."

I lifted my head up as she said this, and started to walk over. Jade opened the door further and I got to see it was him standing outside in the hall. His quiff really was on point tonight, and he was wearing my favorite white shirt, leather jacket with the high collar and black jeans. I couldn't help myself, and ran the last few steps, wrapping my arms around his neck, "Hey babe." I said into his neck, immediately forgiving him for his moodiness this morning.

He wrapped his arms tight around me and kissed my cheek, "Hello love." Letting go of me, he held me at arm's length, "Fookin' 'ell Rhea, you look good enough to eat."

I wiggled my eyebrows at him, "Well, maybe later."

Before he could answer, Jade butted in, "Ew gross guys. I may be like your best friend, but I just don't need to hear that shit."

I laughed and stepped back, "Al, this is the one and only Jade Sage Matthews. Jade, this is Al."

"Oh she gets the full name thing, but I don't?", Alex said, placing his hands on his hips.

"Oh, I'm_ so sorry_." I pointed at Al again, "This, standing before you, is Mr Alexander David Turner."

Jade shook her head at me, and stepped forwards to shake his hand, "Just can't get the right girlfriends these days can you?"

Alex sighed, "I know, I dunno know what I'm goin' to do 'bout 'er."

Throwing my hands up in the air, I span around, "Fine, I'll just leave then. You'll never see me again."

I gasped as his arms grabbed me from behind, "Not so fast tiger." His lips brushed my ear, and I sighed.

"Ah, get a room." Jade said, walking back into the dressing room. We followed her, Al shutting the door behind him, "You're only jealous mine has a quiff, and your last one hadn't cut his hair in two years." I said.

"Yes, that's definitely what I'm jealous about.", she replied. While she looked at me, a smile came onto her face, "I think it's time."

I tilted my head to the side, "For what?"

She started to twirl around, "The belly button piercing selfie."

I laughed, and so did Alex from where he was sitting in my chair, "Of course, how could I have forgotten."

"I really have no idea." She said, while getting her phone out of her bag. I walked over to the long mirror that stood behind where Al was sitting. He twisted to face its reflective surface, and I smiled at him. He reached up and stroked my bare back, and I moved closer, "Care to join the selfie?"

He shrugged, "Why not."

Jade came and stood on his other side, lifting up her top, and tucking it into her bra, so that her belly was visible, "You're gonna look like a right bloody pimp with us either side of you like this." She said, making us both laugh.

"Pff, I've looked like worse." He said, laughter heavy in his voice.

"Alright then, pose away my dears." Jade said, lifting the phone between us. I turned my head slightly to the side, and leant towards Alex a bit more, his arm tightened around me. There was a couple of clicks, and then it was over. Jade bent down and showed us. They looked bloody brilliant, me in next to nothing, Al pointing at the mirror and Jade with her tongue stuck out. I laughed, and moved away to where my costume was. It would soon be time for me to go on. Jade came and stood behind me, as I pulled on my dance tights. When they were on, I stepped into the leotard like costume, and lifted it up. With deft fingers, Jade zipped up the back, while I held my hair above my back, and watched a dust mote float down from the ceiling. When she was done, I pulled on my aerial boots, and laced them up as quickly as was possible. When I was halfway done with the last one I looked up, to where Jade and Alex were watching me, "Jade you should probably change, and Al, I would go back to our table, before somebody snags it." I nodded my head at Jade, "She'll join you in a minute."

"Well, 'er highness 'as spoken.", Alex said dryly. I smiled and stood up, so he could give my a quick kiss, "I'll see you in a minute."

I nodded and watched him until he was out of the door, then sat down to finish my boot. Jade in that time had pulled on her blood red mini dress, a small purple rose sat at a jaunty angle on her blond curls. I smiled at her quick transformation, she was so gorgeous. She gave me a wink, zipping up her boot, "And I'll also see you in a minute."

She went to go ,but I spoke, "Jade, you know way back, weeks ago, you asked to talk to Alex? When the first pictures of us came out."

She stopped, "Yes, what about it?"

"What did you say to him?"

Her face was serious, and I watched her eyes, "I said that if he hurt you, I would fucking kill him." With that she walked out of the room, and I was alone.

_/\\_/\/\\_

The crowds noise still echoed in my ears, as I walked slowly back to my room. Blood thumped through my body, and all my senses felt heightened. It felt so goddamn good to do that again. To feel all their eyes on us, on me. To show them all something that was so much a part of me. To hear them accept it with their cheers, just made all those hours of work worth it. And to know that he had seen it too. Finally he had seen the thing that made me feel more alive than pretty much anything. It's only rival was his touch, and to know I now had both made me so happy, that I let myself do a little jump down the hall.

It was silent, and thankfully cool in the dressing room. I went and sat down in front of the mirror, closing my eyes, and breathing deep and slow. My heart rate quietened, and my fingers stopped their twitching. When once again I felt that I wasn't about to float off up into the sky, I started to unlace my aerial boots that were starting to dig into my sore feet. I had half expected Al to be here now, but he wasn't and I guessed that Jade had told him to let me have a bit of time to myself. It wasn't something I often get after a show, so it was nice to have this moment to myself. Throwing the boots aside, I leant forwards, and unpeeled the fake eyelashes off my eyelids. They were great for when performing, as it made the eyes even more noticeable, but close up, I always thought they looked kind of freakish. Next I went over to my bags, and pulled out the silver skirt I had been making, and my old, gorgeous, comfy Doc Martens. They really were one of my most favourite things in the whole world. Oh what adventures we had been through together. I scrabbled my hands against my back for a minute, before locating the zip to my costume, and pulling the small bit of metal, freeing myself from it's confinements. Pulling off my tights, I swapped them for my black knee socks, then pulled on the skirt. For my top half I chose a short dark blue top that hung slightly off one shoulder. Quickly stuffing most of my stuff back where they belonged, I cleared the room so I wouldn't have too much to do tomorrow when I came to pick it up. When I was done, I sprayed some deoderant in all the right places, and fluffed up my already curled hair. Happy with how I looked, I opened the door and started towards the main hall where the party was being held.

I was welcomed with the noise of over two hundred voices, the heat of the many bodies enveloped me as I slipped into the room. I scanned the rolling crowd of people, looking for their familiar faces. Keeping my head down, I moved towards where I knew our table had been placed, in the far right corner. I could feel eyes on me as people started to recognise my face, but kept going, wanting to reach him. When I neared the table, I was greeted with the sight of his back, as he was turned away from me, chatting to Jade who was sitting on the side of the table, a glass of something held in her hand. She laughed, and made a motion with her free hand, shaking her head. She happened to glance up at this point and saw me, smiling, she stood up. I quickened my pace, and reached them, placing my hand on the back of Al's neck. He started and looked up. He'd removed his jacket, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up, revealing his rapidly healing tattoo.

"Well talk of the devil herself, we were just talking about you." Jade said, her voice slightly raised over the soft beat of the music that played in the background.

"Hmm, don't believe everything she's says.", I said, directing my answer to Alex, who was looking up at me, and funny expression on his face.

He didn't answer, but his lips twitched slightly, and his hand moved to cup my thigh in his hand.

"I'm just going to go and get another, " Jade said, holding up her almost full glass. With that she turned and walked away from our table, while I directed my attention by to Al.

"Did you enjoy?" I asked, moving so I could face him, and sit on the edge of the table.

He breathed in, and ran his eyes over me, "I think enjoy would be an understatement." He reached out and grasped my waist pulling me to straddle his lap. My already short skirt rode up my legs, and he ran his hands long them, "I've seen you dance, but I've never seen you dance Rhea. An' 'ow you were on that aerial hoop were just, well, rather extraordinary."

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face, and I put my hands to his on my legs, "I'm glad you thought so. You have no idea how much I love doing that."

He laughed, and pulled me a little closer, "Oh I think I probably 'ave and inklin'."

Thinking of seeing him on stage, I nodded then, "Yeah, you're probably right."

He held my hands in his, and rubbed at the redness that was spread across them. Bringing them to his mouth, he softly kissed the swollen calluses that appeared whenever I did aerial. I smiled and watched him, until he let go of them and brought his hands up to my face. Stroking my cheeks, he said, "Now that's done, 'ow 'bout a kiss?"

"Oh, only if you insist." I replied, letting a giggle escape my lips.

He leant his face upwards as I brought mine down, "I most certainly do insist." He said, just as his mouth touched. I completely relaxed into him, letting my chest drop and lie against his. I felt the thrum of his heart against my breast, and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him as close as possible, and still I longed to be closer. Forever wrapped in the warmth that was his embrace, there was nothing like it, and oh, how it made me feel whole and complete. If I said out loud half the things I thought, I would crumple in embarrassment, but here in the silence of my mind, I was free to think what my heart said.

The kiss lasted until we were content to just be close. He then buried his head in the side of my neck, his voice muffled by my hair and skin. He was telling me about hiding from some fans while he was picking up his rental car this afternoon, as he was going to see his parents in a few days, minus me, "So there I were, flattened up against the side of this car while they walked past, then the car dealer came back. He went to walk past me, then stopped, an' kind of 'alf looked at me, like he weren't sure whether to stop an' ask what the 'ell I were doin', or jus' keep on walkin'." I let out a snort of laughter at the image of Alex crouched and flattened up against a car, while a snooty car dealer walked past.

"It ended up, that he just kinda stayed there, an' waited 'til they 'ad gone. Then I got up an' we just carried on with gettin' this bloody car." He laughed, and it vibrated against my skin. His lips brushed against the underside of my chin, and I lifted my head up more so he could kiss it better. It was then that I noticed him approaching, the birthday boy, the one and only Sebastian Mason. I brought my head away from Alex's inviting lips, and nodded slightly, whispering, "We got company." I brought my leg over so I was no longer straddling him, but stayed on his lap, linking my arm around his neck. Alex's hand tightened around my hip, and I smirked slightly.

"Ah, Rhea darling, absolutely wonderful performance. Everybody just thought it was superb." Sebastian proclaimed, a wide grin spreading across his handsome face. In another world I would have coyly cocked my head to the side, leaning ever so slightly forwards and made sure to look at him invitingly. Now I was with someone who took my breath away with just a touch, the thought of doing that didn't even enter my mind. I leant back closer to Al and smiled gently, only aware of his arms around me, "Thank you so much Seb, I'm so glad you enjoyed."

"Oh I did, most certainly. I'm sure it will be the highlight of my evening." He replied, a gleam in his eye.

I felt Alex stiffen underneath me, and my lips twitched, "Seb, this is my boyfriend Alex."

A look of surprise, and maybe even disappointment, flashed across his face. Alex leant forwards and offered his hand, which after a brief pause, Seb took and shook vigorously, "You sir are a very lucky man. It was stupid of me to think that someone as wonderful as Rhea here, would not already be someone elses."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, and my mouth opened slightly now. Now I had expected something, but not that. Jesus christ. "Yes, she's pretty remarkable, surprises me at ev'ry turn does this little lady." Alex said, his voice deep and sure. I bit my lip and looked down, closing my eyes briefly. This evening was turning into one I didn't want to ever leave.

"I'm not surprised." Seb said, his voice soft, "I am looking forwards to later." He directed this at me, and I looked up, "Me too." I replied.

He smiled, and raised his glass to us, "Well I better be off, do the rounds you know," He chuckled, "I'm sure we will see each other again at some point tonight."

I nodded, "Probably." With that he gave us a last nod and turned on his heel, heading in the direction of the bar, where I could just about to see Jade chatting to someone.

"Poor bugger." Alex chuckled from beside me. I laughed with him and stood up reaching over to snag the jug of water that stood in the middle of the table, "He's a sweet guy really. Just another one of us who's not sure who they are, and is filling up the hole with booze, girls, and money. Hopefully one day he'll work out there's more to life". Al made a noise of agreement, as I filled up my glass and realised that next to the jug was a fruit bowl. A fruit bowl? I shook my head, and took a long drink of water. When I was done, I set it down and picked up two oranges and an apple. Throwing them up into the air, I started to juggle, throwing them behind my back and high above my head.

"Why is he lookin' forwards to later?" Al asked, while he leant back and watched me add another apple to my collection.

"He heard me singing, and asked me sing, tonight. Just one song."

He raised his eyebrows, "Why'd you not tell me?"

I set the fruit back in their bowl, and slumped down on a chair next to him, "It was going to be a surprise, but then he mentioned it so…" I trailed off.

Al tilted his head to the side, "You could 'ave jus' pretended it were summet else?"

I twisted my mouth to the side, and played with the hem off my skirt, "I could have, but I'm kind of nervous, so I thought I'd tell you."

"I've 'heard you sing Rhea, you do all the time, an' your voice is fookin' beautiful. You'll be incredible."

I laughed, "I think I should hire you as my own personal ego booster. If you carry on, my head won't fit through the bloody door."

He took my hand, linking his fingers through mine, "Ah babe, I think it's alright for you to think a bit more of yourself."

I wrested my elbow on the table, and put my mouth to my knuckles, "Hmm…"

He winked at me, and reached for his drink, his knee bouncing to the beat of the song that moved through the many bodies in the room. I turned my head to look back at Jade who was looking down at what I presumed to be her phone. She had been rather attached to it of late, and I had a feeling it might be time for a late night chat soon, the nights are for saying things you can't in the day right? And maybe I should follow my own advice. I turned to face Al again and watched him scan the crowd, his eyes taking in everything and everyone. There were quite a few well known faces here. Over in the corner there was that girl who's daddy owned that hotel that rich people go to. Over there was the boy who'd snogged that girl, and up on the dancefloor was the couple that looked like everyone else. Like I had said, Seb's father had made his way up by luck and maybe a little foul play, and now his son was reaping the benefits, so of course, he knew people.

"'ow long 'ave you known Jade for?", Alex asked, rubbing his thumb against his lip. I watched it, and smiled slightly, remembering, "Well I've known her since I was about four or something, but we were never really friends until I was about fourteen, as she happened to join the circus group I was in. So about fifteen years." I stopped, hesitant suddenly. Ah, fuck it, "She was the first one I ever got together with."

That made him look up sharply, "You mean, like, your girlfriend?"

I glanced back at her, "Yeah, she kissed me on my fifteenth birthday party, she was sixteen, and we were together for just over three months." Then I met Jamie, I added in my mind.

He nodded slowly, also looking towards my best friend. She seemed to sense our stares, and looked up at us. Raising her hand slightly, she smiled and turned back to the bar, grabbing something in her hand, then slipped down from the stool and began to walk over.

"Well that's summet you don't find out ev'ryday. Should I be worried?" He asked, his face straight, but a smile in his eyes. I shook my head, and laughed, "No, no, I'm not about to run off with her, don't you worry. It certainly wasn't just a faze, but our relationship was. It's very much over now."

"Good to 'ear. "He said, just as the girl in question made it to us. She grinned and set a glass in front of me, "You alright my lovelys?"

"Just peachy babe." I replied, and Al nodded, looking her over. I could see him processing the new information, seeing her in a new light. Hopefully a good one.

"What's this?", I asked, indicating the drink before me.

She was looking at her phone again, and took a moment to reply, "Urm...your favourite…"

I took a tentative sip, Jade could be a bit adventurous on the drink front sometimes. Flavour slid along my tongue and down my throat. Hmm, ginger wine, yum, "Thanks.", I said, putting the drink down, the ice clicked against the side of the glass. I loved ginger in pretty much any shape or form, and in wine, especially with a few cubes of ice. I pointed at the glass, "Future reference Al, ginger wine is the drink that makes me smile."

"I'll be sure to remember that." He said, and I leant forwards, kissing him gently, "Of course you will." Before I could pull away, he held the back of my neck, and brought me closer. I hummed against his lips, and he smiled, pecking me once, twice, then letting me go. I watched his eyes until Jade spoke again, "Yo, Rhea. You know that picture we took back in the dressing room?"

I turned, and sat down back against Al, and he kissed my neck. I just couldn't stop touching him, and he, me. "Yeah, what about it?"

She looked up, and briefly smiled, noticing how I was sitting, "Well I don't think I've ever had anything like it. The picture's just everywhere." She looked at Alex, "Your fandom's gone crazy mate."

He laughed, running his nose along the line of my neck, "Yeah, sorry 'bout that. Did you put the location?"

Her eyebrows scrunched up and her face twisted, "I didn't exactly, but I put who I was with, ie Seb, and he's quite well known, so people know he's having a party tonight."

"Hmm, well maybe when we leave we should take the back exit. I'm not extremely well known meself, but I don't wanna risk it tonight, the fookin' camera's can find you anywhere."

I nodded in agreement with him. "Sorry, I didn't think," Jade apologised. Alex shook his head slightly, "Don't you worry 'bout it. If we're goin' to blame somebody 'bout it, blame me, I'm the one they want."

"Fair enough." Jade said, "I blame you." She took the edge off her words by grinning at us both, and we laughed. The high from performing was starting to wear off now, and I was becoming aware of the fact that I hadn't eaten in quite a while, ""Where's the food?" I asked them both. Jade answered, "Behind you, against the wall."

I looked where she indicated and saw a few tables lined up against the wall, people moved around them, plates in their hands. I stood up, "I'll be back in a minute, just going to get something to eat."

Before they could properly answer, I set off in my hunt for food. My stomach rumbled, and I put my hand to it, pushing past a couple of tanned young men in casual wear. I felt their eyes on me, but kept going. I'm taken. It felt so good to think that, and I smiled to myself.

The food was interestingly displayed, but looked so good. My mouth watered, I grabbed a plate and began to fill it. I was just buttering a roll when there was a tap on my shoulder, and a soft voice said, "Excuse me."

I looked up in surprise, and was greeted with a smile from a tall woman who stood at my side. "You alright?" I asked, returning her smile. She seemed to relax slightly, and I noticed the cute dimples that appeared as her smile widened, "Yes, I'm wonderful as it happens."

I nodded, "Good to know."

She laughed, and moved her weight from one leg to the other, and stretched out her hand, "My name's Des, nice to meet you."

I took her hand in mine, setting my plate down at my side, "Rhea, you too."

"I came over because I just absolutely adored your performance, especially that hoop routine you did. It was beautiful."

"Thanks so much." I replied, not really sure where this was leading.

"How long have you been doing aerial training for?" She asked.

"Since I was thirteen, so six years."

"Yes, that makes sense, you seem very comfortable in it."

I sighed, "I can say without a doubt, it is one of the things that makes everything worth it, if you get what I mean."

She nodded, her short brown hair bobbing, "Certainly. Do you do it for a job?"

I was getting kind of suspicious of her questions now, "Kind of." I hesitated, "Why all the questions?"

She laughed nervously, "Sorry, I should probably explain myself. I run a magazine called Oh Comely, which centres on the alternative side of life, and I have been looking everywhere for something to do the spring issue on. I came here because someone invited me and seeing you up there, it's so different to what so many girls your age are doing these days, I just had to come and talk to you about it. To see if you would maybe be up for doing a little interview?"

I gasped, and put my hand to my mouth, "I know your magazine. I love it, it's just wonderful and so unique. I would be honoured to be a part of it." I thought I had recognised her. Oh my fucking god.

She grinned at me, "Fantastic." We continued to talk, and I got more and more excited. It turned out she wanted to do a bit more than just a little interview, she wanted photos. The more I found out about her, the more I liked her. Who would have known tonight would have turned out like this. Eventually I said I had probably get back, and we swapped numbers, promising to get in touch soon about further arrangements. On my way back, I practically floated to our table, only seeing their expressions when I got close enough. Alex had his hands over his eyes and was shaking his head. Jade lightly touched his shoulder and said something, her eyes sad. I frowned and watched them from my hiding place amongst the crowd. What the hell was going on? I stepped closer, shielding myself from their view with one of the curtains that fell on each side of the huge windows that looked out over the city. I was close enough now to hear Jade's soft voice, "... I know. I thought I had lost her, never had I seen anything like it. I just wanted to grab her, and shake her until she could see what was really going on. I even tried to tell her a few times, but it was like he had hypnotised her." My breath shuddered to a halt in my chest as I realised they were talking about me. About Jamie and me. "...I just got the feeling I was too late. So I just said to her that I would wait patiently until she could work it out for herself. To snap out of it. Now I regret it so much. When I found her, it was like the whole world came crashing down around me. It's like you know that shit happens, but you don't truly _believe_ it happens until you see it." Jade stopped and frowned, "I'm sorry, this must be hard for you."

Alex looked up from where he had been studying the table, "No, no, it's good to 'ear more of the story. When she told me I didn't want to ask anythin' 'bout it. She were jus' so upset, I jus' couldn't."

Jade nodded, and tucked her hair behind her ear, "Well all I can say Al, is that she's happier than she's been in way too long. And I think you have a big part to play in that."

Alex seemed to slump down a little further, "I 'ope I can keep it up."

"Alex, if it's meant to be, it'll work out, no matter the consequences. Everything happens for a reason, even the really really shit stuff, it shapes who we are."

"That sounds like summet Rhea would say." Alex said, his voice sounding a little lighter.

Jade laughed, "It sounds like something her mother would say. You just wait until you meet her Al, she's quite something."

I decided it was then that I should make my return, and I stepped out, coming straight into Jade's view behind Al. For their credit, they didn't look guilty when I came back, and I decided to let it be, I had exciting news to tell them anyway. Sitting down in the middle of them both, I began to munch on a piece of apple cut in a star shape. While I ate, I told them about what had happened. Like I knew she would, Jade was totally over the moon about it, as she had been an avid reader of Oh Comely for as long as it had been out. Alex was quietly pleased, and I may have even seen a proud little smile play at his lips. All he said at the end of my lengthy explanation, was that I deserved it. And that was enough.

Time passed, the minutes ticking by while we laughed, talked and drank, until finally it was time for me to do my last bit for the night. It was a good thing too, as I was starting to feel the affect of the drinks on my system. Seb went up on the stage that was at the end of the big hall. It was only raised about three foot above the floor, but from here it looked huge, and I gulped.

"Now, before we really start with the party, I would like you turn your attention towards someone I am about to bring on stage. I only met her a few weeks ago, and she caught my eye as soon as I saw her." He gave a dramatic sigh, "Alas, I found out tonight she is in fact someone elses, " Alex chuckled from behind me, and I allowed myself a small laugh, "however I may not be able to have much from her, but what I can do is enjoy her wonderful voice which I had the pleasure of hearing by chance the other day. Please welcome Rhea back on to stage." The crowd clapped, and I stood up, the air in the room was suddenly thick, and I found it hard to breath. But breath I must, and that's what I did, all the way across the floor and up onto the stage. With shaking hands I clutched the mic in front of me, and breathed in deep. Oh god, why couldn't Seb have chosen an easier song. And yet, in some ways it fit perfectly. The guitar started to pluck from the speakers, and my eyes scanned the many faces for his. I needed his reassurance, just something. Then I saw him, standing, he gave a small nod and I knew it was going to be ok.

I opened my mouth and let go,

_Found myself today_

_Singing out loud your name,_

_You said I'm crazy,_

_If I am I'm crazy for you._

_Sometimes sitting in the dark_

_Wishing you were here_

_Turns me crazy,_

_But it's you who makes me lose my head._

_And every time I'm meant to be acting sensible_

_You drift into my head_

_And turn me into a crumbling fool._

_Tell me to run and I'll race,_

_If you want me to stop I'll freeze,_

_And if you want me gone, I'll leave,_

_Just hold me closer, baby,_

_And make me crazy for you._

_Crazy for you._

_Lately with this state I'm in_

_I can't help myself but spin._

_I wish you'd come over,_

_Send me spinning closer to you._

_My oh my, how my blood boils,_

_It's sweet taste for you,_

_Strips me down bare_

_And gets me into my favourite mood._

_I keep on trying, fighting these feelings away,_

_But the more I do,_

_The crazier I turn into._

_Pacing floors and opening doors,_

_Hoping you'll walk through_

_And save me boy,_

_Because I'm too crazy for you._

_Crazy for you_

Later I would remember nothing of singing the song. I would remember nothing of the applause, if there was any, I would remember nothing of anyone. Anyone but him. After the song I remembered walking through the others like a dark tunnel with him at the end. I thought once I had known the meaning of seeing only one person. I hadn't known at all. Nothing compared to the acceptance that was in his smile, nothing compared to the way his kiss tasted against my lips. His smile makes me smile, his laugh makes me laugh, his joy gives me joy, his hope gives me hope. Mam once said that you should wait for someone who keeps you sane, but also drives you crazy in all the right ways. And hey, maybe I had waited long enough. Nothings perfect, and yet, I think you get a glimpse of it every now again.

_"For you, there'll be no more crying,_

_For you, the sun will be shining,_

_And I feel that when I'm with you,_

_It's alright, I know it's right_

_To you, I'll give the world"_

-Fleetwood Mac - Songbird-

**This was fun to write. I don't know, it's not my best, it's not my worst, but it's just...fun. Now I just have to say that I messed up and completely forgot about Alex getting his tattoo, so I just need you to imagine that he got it while he was in France or something. I'm sorry, I just can't go back and fit it in now.**

**Also does anyone still read this on here? Cos I've just got next to no reviews or anything the last few...so anyone still out there? **

**Sav xx**


	21. Love's Not Time's Fool

**-Love's Not Time's Fool-**

"_I let if it fall, my heart_

_And as it fell, you rose to claim it_

_It was dark, and I was over_

_Until you kissed my lips and you saved me"_

-Set Fire To The Rain-Adele-

_-27th February 2012-_

Time is a funny thing. It drags when we want it to speed past and it passes when we least want it to. Over thousands of years many people have tried to come up with a straight answer to all the questions that it places before us, but many have failed. And you know what? Maybe that's the beauty of it, thats why people sometimes dedicate their whole lives to unwinding it's mysteries. They choose time as their partner, they have _time _to explore everything about it, about them. If only I also had that. Unfortunately time had other plans and the weeks had passed in a blink of an eye, filled with something new everyday. And now, sitting on the edge of his, our bed, my eyes tracing the lines that time had made in his bags, I felt detached from myself. From him. I had seen over the last few days, he had been distancing himself from me, I had felt it in the way he held me. He was readying himself to let me go, and in a way I was too. And yet, his way was to push me away, where as mine was to hold on to him, until the last minute. This had caused trouble and now as the minutes ticked closer to when we were to say goodbye, I felt like I was running out of time to do...something. I wasn't quite sure what. His bags were packed, as were mine, the flat empty. Last night we had made love until we'd fallen asleep from exhaustion, and yet, through the whole time, he wasn't there. He was already miles away from here, from me, carrying on his life without me. How the hell were we going to manage?

I scrubbed my fingers against my eyes in an attempt to rid them of tears that longed to burst forth. I had kept it together these last few days, a few more hours couldn't hurt. But it did, and as the sound of the shower stopped from the bathroom, my heart gave a heavy thump. I ran my hand down my neck, past the tangle of my hair, and into a clenched fist at my breast. Taking a breath, I stood and wandered once more towards my clothing that was neatly folded on the desk. I had yet to get dressed, having tried to make myself before, I just hadn't been able to. There was something about acknowledging the day by getting dressed, acknowledging that the day had started, and things had been pushed into motion. I picked at the first piece of clothing on the pile, and then let it slump back down with the rest. As I outlined a knick in the wood of the desk, the door to the bathroom was pushed open, and he padded into the room. I glanced over my shoulder, but looked away quickly, I didn't want to see him like this. Naked except for a towel around his waist, his hair wet hair hanging limply into his eyes, he watched me from across the room.

"You're still not dressed?"

I took a moment to reply, "No, I, er, got caught up in my own thoughts." Pulling myself up onto the side, I crossed my bare legs and watched him pick up some underwear from the side of the bed.

"You've been doing' that a lot lately." He said, his voice soft, eyes not quite meeting mine.

"You noticed." My voice was harder than I had intended it to be, and it made him look at me. At least I'd got his attention.

"Of course I noticed Rhea, 'ow could I not?" He frowned, and looked down at his hands.

"Oh I don't know. I just didn't think you had time to notice that sort of thing anymore."

He stopped what he was doing and started to walk towards me, "Rhea, I always 'ave time to notice stuff like that."

I stayed silent as he came closer, and leant back onto my hands that were flat against the hard, cold wood. "What's wrong?" He asked.

Not answering his question, I asked one myself, "Alex, will you kiss me?"

His mouth opened slightly, then shut again. His eyes seemed to cloud with confusion, but something flashed across them that I didn't quite catch. He came closer until his legs brushed against mine, and he was close enough to touch my bottom lip, gently pulling my face towards his. Lips touched mine, and I molded mine around them, searching for something that was missing. Nothing. I pulled away and turned my head to the side, looking out of the window at the cold early morning light, "You can't even kiss me properly anymore." A leaf spiraled past the glass, and out of sight, falling away from my memory, "Are you really so desperate to leave, you start days early?" I asked, my voice hard and sharp.

He sighed, "You're bein' ridiculous."

I snapped my head around at him, sitting up straight. He took a step back, "_Don't _tell me I'm being ridiculous."

He looked away, his mouth set in an unforgiving line, nothing left of those full lips I longed to kiss again. My hands turned into fists, nails digging into the palm of them, "If you've wanted me to leave, you could have just said. You don't have to keep pushing at me, until I take the hint and topple over the edge." I got down, making him move out of the way, and pulled off his sky blue lacoste which I had slept in. I had hope to keep it, but maybe not anymore. Snatching up my bra, I twisted it around my body, and began to clip it up. If this was what he wanted, then I sure as hell wasn't going to stop him. I didn't have the strength to stand and fight for him to stay, not now anyway.

"Stop it."

I carried on and pulled the bra on all the way, my back still to him.

"Rhea stop it. I know what you're doin', an' I want you to stop puttin' on that fookin' bra an' look at me." His voice was utterly serious, and I froze, my muscles tense. "Turn around."

Slowly, I turned my body to face him, looking hard at his eyes, my face set. "Fine, if you want me to kiss you properly, I fookin' will. You wanna know why I've been barely able to touch you in the last few days?" He took a step forwards, I could smell his skin and my tongue darted out to lick my lips." Well I'll tell you then. I'm worried that if I let myself get too attached I won't be able to step out that bloody door. You 'ave no idea 'ow 'ard it's been not to fookin' smother you. I'm afraid that if I let myself, I won't ever let you go, an' I'll scare you away. You won't be able to breath, an' neither will I."

My breath shuddered through my nose and into my lungs. I took a step towards him until we were chest to chest. More calmly than I felt, my hand came up and grasped his jaw, pulling it closer to me. I could feel energy tingle through my fingertips "You don't get to make those decisions for us."

His eyes darted, looking into each of mine, "Then who does?"

I shook my head gently, "We do."

There was that split second where everything slowed and warped around us, time stopping still just for us. Then like someone cracking a whip, the moment was split in two, and my body jolted as he roughly pushed me against the wall. His hand slammed down flat against the plaster above my head, and his teeth collided with mine as he roughly kissed me. I was being crushed between the wall and his body, but I revelled in it, wanting him to let go and take me. Take me away one last time until we saw each other again. He angrily pulled me closer, and I wrapped one leg around his waist. Skin slipped against skin, lips sliding against each other. All the words unsaid in the last few days were translated with each touch, and I moaned as he sucked at my neck. Slipping his hand behind my back, he yanked my bra off, the material cutting into my flesh, and let it drop to the floor, moving his mouth away and down. I dug my fingers into his hair, and silently cried his name, my mouth open and silent. He came back up to find my parted lips, and pulled me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. Slowly we stumbled to the bed, falling down in a muddle of hunger. He leant over me and buried his head in my chest, nuzzling and kissing me. I let him until I could take it no more. Breaking away from him, I pushed him down flat, leaning over him and bit my lip hard. He just looked so good, I wanted to devour every part of him, mind, body and soul. He was mine, and I was going to make damned sure he remembered me the whole time he was away. His breath caught in his throat as I lowered myself down onto him, taking him away once more, where all he could see was me.

_/\\_/\/\\_

The sharp beam of sunlight caught my eye, and I turned my head away from the window, back to the empty room. Lazy tornadoes of dust motes swam in the air before me, and I blew at them, making them twist into a frenzy. There was a quiet laugh from behind me, "Playin' imagine are we?"

I smiled slightly, and grasped my hair into a knot, sliding the stick through it, as it was held in the silver curve, "Well you've got to do it sometimes, or you might forget how."

"True." He came a little closer, and I walked over to him, meeting halfway through the room. "You ready?" he asked. I nodded, and leant forwards to put my face into his neck. He wrapped his arms around me, and held me for a minute, before I pulled away, "Come on, you're going to miss your plane."

He sighed, and went to hold my hand, "If only." I didn't say anything, and in silence we descended the stairs, locking the door behind us, and getting into the waiting cab. The taxi was to take us both to Heathrow where I would say goodbye to him and the rest of the boys, then it would take me back to Sally's.

Over the past week, more signs had started to appear that he was leaving. On the 16th, he'd had an interview with Jo Whiley on Radio Two, then there had been the rising excitement of their fans online, and of course there had been the packing. I hated that the most. Watching what small, temporary home we'd made, just being taken away once more. I should be used to it by now, that toing and throwing from one place to another, god know's I'd done too much of it myself. However, this time it was different, like we'd made something permanent, something we both craved. Well, it wasn't there anymore.

R U Mine? was being released today, along with the little music video Focus Creeps had thrown together for them. It had been fun to film, and even Jade and I had, had a part to play, dressed up as cowgirls, and looking generally ace. Listening to their previous stuff on Suck It and See, I now realised that it was rather different to what they had been doing before. I had mentioned this to Al, and he'd simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "Summet of a new start right." He'd also been working on something else, I had only heard small bits here and there. He said it may be a B-side for R U Mine, when they released it on Vinyl on National Record Day. I was excited to hear it, as he had hinted it was another one based on me. I told Mam about it, as it had been long overdue that I had a good talk with her. She couldn't quite believe it at the start, but had soon got around to the idea, saying that I should watch out to not let my ego expand past the natural boundaries. I agreed with her wholeheartedly, Alex had simply laughed when I told him. Mam also asked when she was going to meet him, and had been frustrated to hear that she probably wouldn't meet him for a good few months. That brought me around full circle. Not only would she not see him, but neither would I. Looking at the cost of flights to see him, had been a blow to my heart. The cost was just insane, there was no way in hell I was going to be able to afford it, even if Seb had added an extra zero to what he paid me, the sneaky bugger.

"What're you thinkin' 'bout love?"

I looked away from the window of the cab and back at him, running my eyes across his face, memorising each line, "Everything."

"Even that bird that jus' flew in front of us?"

I smiled slightly, blinking and looking back out of the window, "Yes, even that small blue bird…" My voice barely carried, and I turned my head back to him, not sure if he heard me. My hand went to my neck where I knew a love bite marked my skin. He placed his hand on my leg, and gave it a small squeeze, "You alright?" I watched his fingers on me, and wondered whether I should lie, "Not really, but I'll manage." I always do anyway.

"Yes you will, an' that's one of the things I love 'bout you." He said this slowly, and it took a while for it to sink in. "One of the things?" I asked, my voice halting.

He nodded, and brought his hand to the side of my face, "Yes, one of the things." He whispered. I glanced towards the front of the car, at the back of the drivers head. I couldn't do this now, not here. "Don't make this harder Alex, don't say anything else." I leant over and wrested my head on his shoulder, and he put his on top of mine, "Ok." I swallowed and closed my eyes, the bumps of the road jolting every bone in my body. I felt like I could fall apart any minute, just the tiniest push, and I would shatter, falling down to the floor,scattering on his lap. Opening my eyes again, I watched the houses blur past in the light of the day. It would be Spring soon, new starts, the flowers budding. It was the time of year where I started to walk more, enjoying the crisp feeling of life against my red cheeks, going down to the duck pond to watch the baby swans take their first paddle. They were small things, but some of my most cherished memories happened around this time of year. The spirit of Spring slipped into your soul, reminding you that there is always new life just waiting to rise out from Winters death like grip. And even then, when the time came around again, you would welcome the chilly winds, and frost's masterpieces on your window. Because without everything, we have nothing.

We eventually arrived at the airport with plenty of time to stare out of the window, and wonder if we just stayed here, who would stop us? I pushed this thought away. Just off to the side of the doors into the huge building, I spied the others' minus their other halves. They were leaning up against the wall, enjoying a smoke before they embarked on their flight. My hand crept to my seat belt and I unclipped it, freeing myself, and opening the door. I heard Al do the same behind me, as I stepped out onto the concrete. I smiled and waved at the other's as they made their way over with their luggage piled on their trolleys. They were going to meet the rest of their entourage when they arrived in America, as the tour buses had been brought over days ago.

"You alright?" Matt said as he neared me. I couldn't help myself and ran forward to give him a hug, which he gave back in full force, "I've been better." His smile was understanding, "I know, we all could be."

I turned to give the others hugs, though not as big as Matt's had been, they were definitely more full of something than they had been before. Especially Jamie's. I had been chatting to Katie quite a lot recently, and it seemed that it had rubbed off on him. Pulling my coat tighter around me, I crossed my arms and watched Alex, with a little bit of help from the others, load his luggage onto a trolley. I ducked my chin into my collar so that it obscured half my face, and turned full circle looking around. There were many people walking, and sometimes running, around us, flying away, coming home. I watched a family walk out of the doors, two children hung off the man as, what I presumed to be his partner, walked beside them smiling. They practically radiated joy, and I couldn't wait until that was me. Welcoming him home again. I turned back as I heard Nick call my name, "Rhea, we're jus' goin' over 'ere." I nodded and followed them to the sheltered place they had been before. Alex took out a cigarette, and lit it with his lighter, which had Suck It and See inscribed across the front. I watched his fingers and leant up against the wall next to him. He turned to me and smiled, letting a stream of smoke curl out of the corner of his mouth, the wind took it away, and it disappeared against the white sky. I reached out and took his hand in mine, "You'll phone me as soon as you can right?" I asked quietly, not wanting my question to carry to the other's ears. He tilted his head to the side, taking another drag, "Of course." We stayed like that until he had finished, and it was long over due that we part ways. Tactfully the other's bid me a last good bye, and started into the building, leaving us alone for what time we had left. I watched a shrub bend under the wind over his shoulder, while the silence stretched, what the hell were we meant to say?

"There's summet in your bag for you. It were your Valentines present, but I never got to give it to you, then I forgot 'bout it until last night."

I looked at him in surprise, "You got me something? I've never...done Valentines presents before. I just assumed we wouldn't do anything like that." I closed my eyes briefly, "I didn't got you anything. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's alright. One of them hasn't cost me anythin', an' the other I were goin' to get you anyway." He smiled as I widened my eyes, "You got me _two_?"

"You'll understand when you see them."

I shook my head, "You and your little presents. You know I'm going to start expecting one everytime you go on tour now."

He stepped closer, and brought me into his arms, "That's fine with me, as long as you're waitin' for me when I get back."

I breathed in his scent, and suddenly my throat seemed to close up. Tears started to pool in my eyes, and I blinked rapidly. Not now, just a little longer and then you can let it go. "I'll be waiting. I promise." I managed to get out. I swallowed again and wrapped my arms around his neck, "Now you really must go, you're going to miss your plane." I couldn't help myself, and a lonely tear rolled down my cheek, "Oh god Rhea.." He wiped it away, and pressed his mouth hard up against mine. I held onto him so tight, and he me, that I could hardly breath. We finally broke apart, and I looked into those eyes of his, "I…" I started, my tongue went to the roof of my mouth, ready to shape that letter L. But something stopped me and I just couldn't force it past my lips, "...I'll miss you." I whispered out. He didn't seem to suspect anything, and brushed his lips against mine once more, "An' I'll miss you." He stepped away, putting his hands to his trolley. Hesitating, he darted forwards, and gave me one last brief kiss that left me standing, frozen in place. As he walked away, I waved, then put my hand to my mouth, holding back the shout to tell him to wait. To stay. I watched until he was in the door, then turned away, walking back towards the taxi.

When I got in, I instructed the driver on where to go, then pulled my bag towards me. This time I couldn't wait until I got home. This time, he wasn't just away for four days. While the cab moved away from the airport, I triumphantly pulled out a package that had been placed right at the bottom of my bag. How the hell had he gotten it in there, while I didn't notice? Dismissing the question from my mind, I ripped the silver paper off it. I gasped, and let out a small laugh, putting my hand to my mouth. He remembered. In front of me, sitting in the seat of my lap, was a polaroid camera. There was a few bits and bobs like ink for it, and also a folded piece of paper. Picking it up, I unfolded it to find there were in fact two pieces, one that looked like a note and the other that looked like a song or something. Frowning I read the note first,

_Rhea, by the time you read this I will probably be on a plane, flying further and further away from you. The thought of this saddens me more than I care to admit. Hopefully I have kissed and held you long enough that you know that I can't wait to be back with you._

_I know I have been quite distant in the last few days, and I apologize, we all have our ways of coping with things, and this is mine, to push you away. And I am sorry I'm like this. I see that it hurts you, and I wish I could bare to comfort you, but I'm so afraid I won't be able to let go. You have no idea how many times I have thought of just abducting you away form here. Away to some distant place where no one can find us. No tours, no shows, no Circus Space, no gig's, nothing. Only you and I. But then I would remind myself that all those things are part of who we are, part of our life, as much as we are now part of each other's lives. And that is how it must stay. That is why I have left you these. I was supposed to give you them on Valentine's day, but that kind of got overrode by other things, things that were more important. So I give them to you now. The camera is to remind you of our time in Paris, those two nights with you were the best I'd had in a long time, and walking down that street with you telling me about how much you wanted to have a polaroid again, well, I just couldn't help myself. _

_The poem is unfortunately not by me, but by somebody who changed my life. I first heard it one mind numbing school day when my English teacher at the time, decided to read it to us. It was like nothing I've ever heard before. It made me look at everything so differently, see things from so many different angles. Just like you. I wish I had time to read it to you myself, but time is short, so you will have to do with my handwritten copy. Thank you for the past weeks, they've opened up so much more to me. You've opened up so many knew things for me._

_I'll miss you, Alex xxx_

I looked back out of the window, and held back a small sob. A couple of warm tears dropped onto my wrist, I watched them trickle off and slide onto the seat next to me. The bastard. The fucking heart breaking, selfish bastard. He knew he had me in the palm of his hand, and now to write me a letter like this, then give it to me on the day he was to leave me for months. Well, all I wanted to do now was curl into a ball and hide. My gut twisted, and my hands clenched into fists. I was so fucking done. Blinking rapidly, and pursing my lips together, I reached for the second piece of paper that had the poem on. The title made me gasp. I knew exactly what this poem was. Moving my eyes down to his writing, I began to read again.

_I wanna be your vacuum cleaner_

_breathing in your dust_

_I wanna be your Ford Cortina_

_I will never rust_

_If you like your coffee hot_

_let me be your coffee pot_

_You call the shots_

_I wanna be yours_

_I wanna be your raincoat_

_for those frequent rainy days_

_I wanna be your dreamboat_

_when you want to sail away_

_Let me be your teddy bear_

_take me with you anywhere_

_I don't care_

_I wanna be yours_

_I wanna be your electric meter_

_I will not run out_

_I wanna be the electric heater_

_you'll get cold without_

_I wanna be your setting lotion_

_hold your hair in deep devotion_

_Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean_

_that's how deep is my devotion_

With shaking hands I laid it down on my lap, and closed my eyes. Rubbing my thumb against the paper, my mind flashed back to the first moment I'd met him. All those new things I had noticed about him, they way they'd captured my attention like nothing else. I wonder, if I had known back then what the future held, would I still have walked over to him? If I had known how hard and fast I would fall for him, would I have still brought him home, letting him talk me away into his imagination? Back then that was the sort of thing I avoided the most, I didn't want to let my walls down. As typical as it sounds, I'd believed that feeling that way for someone made me weaker, less able to stand and live. Who could blame me really? And now? Well all I know is that he's made me say and do things that never would have crossed my mind before. Things that make me strong, and more of who I am. This may not last long, it may be a fiery few months where we take up everything of each other, but god know's I wanted to find out. I wanted to find out if we would be able to last just a little longer than Summer. Our relationship had been born in the middle of Winter, when we are the coldest, and most alone, un-wanting. If that didn't say something about us, then I didn't know anything anymore.

"_Seperated_

_There I face it_

_Love like thunder_

_Love like falling snow"_

-Electricity-Arctic Monkeys-

**Thanks for the views and comment, Sav x**


	22. Mascara Stained Pillow

**-Mascara Stained Pillow-**

"_The seed of all this indecision isn't me, oh no,_

_'Cause I decided long ago._

_But that's the way it seems to go when trying_

_So hard to get to something real"_

-Feels Like We Only Go Backwards-Tame Impala-

_-13th March 2012-_

The sound of my shoes on the pavement reverberated through my brain, as I shifted a shopping bag in my hand. The plastic handles dug into the skin and I tried to flex my fingers in an attempt to get blood flow back. A bit of my hair was stuck in the corner of my mouth, and I unsuccessfully tried to spit it out. With a sound of annoyance, I let the bags hit the ground, and yanked the hair out, flicking it all over my shoulder. For the first time in a long time, I had forgotten a hair band and now I was kicking myself. My hair was getting longer, and was starting to irritate me beyond belief. It was time for me to have my usual trim, but I was wondering if I should let it grow out this time. Although it got in the way of pretty much everything I did, there was something rather luxurious about having long hair trailing down your back. And the hairstyles you could do, well the possibilities were endless. Now that the hair was sorted I picked the bags back up, and carried on, on my way. Normally I quite enjoyed shopping for food, and the journey back wasn't great, but it was still nice. However, today I was late, and I hurried along, but not fast enough for my liking. We hadn't been able to talk properly for two days, and he was waiting for me. This weekend I had been in Paris, as group of us had been chosen to go and see Cirque Du Soleil with two of the teachers. It had been an absolutely extraordinary experience, and I had once again been blown away by what the human body could do. I had taken a notebook with me, and through the whole thing I had been jotting down move after move, until by the end of the show, my hand had cramped so bad it had taken ages to be able to move again. Through the whole weekend, it had been extremely hard to find time to talk to Alex except for a quick text here an there. Now I was desperate to have a proper chat with him.

It had been hard for me the first few days he had been gone, and I would find myself waiting to get home, back to him, then remember he wasn't there anymore. There had of course been distractions, and my friends had been wonders, taking me out, trying to take my mind off him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but I was still glad for their help. I turned the last corner onto my street, and marched along the row of houses. To my right, one of our neighbours raised her hand in greeting, and I smiled at her, unable to raise a hand in return. Finally I made it to the house, and quickly stepped up to the doors, untangling myself from the bags to open it. Once I pushed it open and put in the code, I practically ran into the kitchen and dumped the bags on the floor. Unzipping my backpack roughly, I pulled open my laptop, and furiously rubbed my finger on the mouse to wake it up. Come on, come on. The screen buzzed to life, and I waited impatiently for Skype to load. For the first week we had relied on texts and phone calls, but it just hadn't been enough, and finally having had enough of Al's moaning, Matt hooked him up with Skype. Just as I pressed on it, the familiar ringing started, he was calling me. I clicked on video and stood up straight, "Hello lovely." I said, smiling down as his face came into focus. He smiled and awkwardly waved, "Hey...I can't see your face."

I leant back down, "Oh sorry, better?"

He nodded, and the image went pixelly for a second then back to normal. I laughed slightly, "And you're too close, you're all fuzzy."

He seemed to move back and I caught a glimpse of bus behind him, through the window I could see a pine tree. Grasping the laptop in my hands, I moved it to a pile of my books on the kitchen table, so that I could stand up straight, "All I can see right now is your breasts." His voice said from the speaker. I laughed as I placed it down and leant over it, giving him a better view of down my top, "That better?" There was a laugh from someone who definitely wasn't Alex. I quickly moved away and squinted at the screen where Al had turned his head to look behind him, "Who the hell is that?" I asked. He turned back and rolled his eyes, "It's Cookie, who _is jus' leavin," _He said, shouting the last bit. "I'm goin' I'm goin'" Jamie said from behind him, and I heard the door shut after him. I grinned and shook my head, "Ok, so I literally just got back, and I had to do shopping. I have a load of stuff I have to put in the freezer." I turned around and pulled the bags onto the side, taking out the stuff and placing it on the side. "I also need to start on the dinner, as it's a long one, so just let me land, then I'll be all yours ok?"

I looked back at him to see him smiling gently at me, twirling a pen in his fingers, "That's fine darlin' I'm not goin' anywhere." I put my fingers to my lips and touched them to the camera, "Thank you." Shrugging off my coat, I threw it over the armchair, and started to quickly move around the kitchen, frequently jogging out to the freezer. He would occasionally comment on something, but was mostly quiet, which was fine. It was so good just to be able to glance around and he was there. Eventually it was all away, and I started on chopping the veg, "Ok, I'm here, how are you?"

He looked up from whatever he'd been writing, a fag smoked in his left hand, "I'm alright love, enjoyin' touring again, y'know?" I nodded in sympathy, and tucked my hair behind my ear, "Was the show good, you're in Canada now right?"

He nodded, "Yeah, it were good, I'm definitely enjoyin' bein' back doin' it. It's quite different bein' a supportin'' act again. A whole new addictive experience."

I chewed my lip, "I'm sure." Pushing the carrots into a separate pot, I carried on, "I suppose there is a certain addiction in doing the shows. At least, I know _I'm_ a total adrenalin junkie, and I'm just addicted to it. The rush you get before and after is just…" I struggled to describe it, "...well, it's just like you're high on electricity. Plus, I'm sure there is a whole new level if you're supportin'' someone. A new challenge to win people over."

He made a noise of agreement and hastily scribbled something. I frowned, "What you doing?"

He raised his eyebrows and smiled mischievously, "Jus' ideas." I rolled my eyes at him, "Fine, be secretive then." He opened his mouth, then stopped and leaned forwards,"An' 'ow are you doin'? 'ow were Paris?"

I closed my eyes, and a big smile appeared on my face. He laughed, "That good?" I shook my head at him, "Al, I can hardly even begin to explain how it was. The way it made me feel was just ridiculous. Seeing that sort of thing just rekindles that fire in me, until its so big I'm worried it's going to eat me alive sometimes. It's like my dream is right there in front of me," I widened my eyes, " so close I can almost touch it. I want to be up on that stage feeling the adrenaline pump through me as thousands of eyes watch my every move. I want to do that hoop routine that brings people to tears, just by the way I move." I let out a long breath, "One day, that'll be me, I swear it."

"You will one day, trust me."

I looked at him, his face small on the screen, "I do."

He smiled happily, "An' did you do anythin' else? You went for the whole weekend right?"

I nodded, concentrating on the knife in my hand as it sliced through an onion, "Yep. I went to have a look around some of the shops with a couple of mates, Grace and Shannon, but we didn't buy anything, as it was all fucking way over our budget. Then had dinner and just enjoyed the sites really. It was nice to be back again. Memories right?" I gave him a playful wink.

"Ah yes. 'ave you taken anymore pictures with your camera?"

I nodded happily, "Yes, loads. I took it to Paris and got some fantastic shots, it's truly wonderful what a polaroid does to a picture."

A smug smile played on his lips, "I'm so glad I got it for you darlin'."

"Me too." I said, while I put the onions into a frying pan, "So anyway, what have you been doing?"

He rubbed his hand across his face, "Ah, not that much really. Jus' playin' too many video games, an' watchin' box sets. There's not much else to do really."

"What you watching now?"

His face lit up, "The Wire."

I snorted, "Again?"

He nodded jerkily, "Of course, it's fookin' brilliant. You gotta watch it with me Rhea."

I rolled my eyes, "Hmm, maybe."

He spread his hands, "Good enough for me babe."

I shook my head, "OK, so just to recap," I raised my eyebrows at him, "You're eating crap, playing video games, watching box sets and sitting on your arse all day, except that hour and a half in the evening?"

He opened his mouth, and put a finger up, "No. We've been doin' all that _an' _playin' table tennis, we've had tournaments, which I am currently at the top of I might add, plus we've 'ad plenty of workout sessions too."

I continued to look at him. He sighed, "But yes, we do sit on our arses a lot too."

I pointed the knife at him, "Exactly. And have you been drinking enough stuff apart from alcohol, like the juices I recommended?"

He smiled and looked at me fondly, "Yes Rhea, I 'ave been on tour before you know."

"Not while you've been with me you haven't. I will not be happy if I see you again, and you've turned into a blob with a quiff."

He laughed, throwing his head back, "A blob with a quiff?" He managed to get out before he started to chuckle again.

I nodded my head. He stopped laughing and thoughtfully gazed at something above the camera, before giving a another small laugh, "You make such a mess when you cook Rhea." I glanced down at the pile of onion peel and other various things that were now strewn across the worktop, I shrugged, "As long as it's all cleaned up in the end, I don't think it matters that much." I looked at him and laughed, "Just because you're a perfectionist and have to have everything nice and tidy. I've been able to let my inner cook out now you're gone."

He laughed with me and took a drag of his cigarette. I watched his lips for a minute, until he spoke, "Ah, fookin' 'ell darlin' do I miss your cookin'. Like I've said, we've jus' been livin' off absolute crap."

I puckered my lips in sympathy, "Aw, you poor thing. You do know there are such things as recipe books right?"

He sighed, and waved his hand, "You know what I mean. It's not the same as your homemade cookin'."

I nodded, "I know. Well I promise to cook something lovely when you get back."

"Thanks."

I smiled, "You know, its a shame you're not here, because J and Louis are coming over and I'm making one of your favourites, meat and vegetable pie. And for pudding, I've got some leftover puff pastry and mince meat from Christmas. I'll mix the mince with some grated apple, then spread it over the pastry, and there you have it, dinner sorted." I spread my hands out in a 'Tada!' motion.

He groaned, and playfully turned his head away, "Don't. It's too much to take."

I laughed and turned the heat on under the frying pan, "By the way, I had my interview yesterday."

He lent forwards again, interested now, "Oh yeah, 'ow'd it go?"

"It was great actually. Des was there the whole time, and this other woman called Emily, and they just asked the usual questions."

"Like what?"

I looked around and scanned my brain in remembrance, "Oh you know, stuff like how long have I been doing circus, what made me start, what's my favourite thing to do, what my week consists of, why I do it."

He was silent for a minute, then, "And why do you do it Rhea? I've never asked you, I jus' see it now, an' it's so much a part of you, I don't question where it came from an' why it came 'bout."

I looked at him, serious now, "Because it's what I fear the most." He frowned, I carried on, "My greatest fear is judgement from other people, and I believe that's why I was drawn to it. Up there on that stage, I am basically paying people to come and judge me, but up there Alex, I have power. Power to alter what they see and judge, power to make them like what they see. It can of course go either way, because if they don't like it, then that hurts a lot, because as you said, it's a part of me. It's who I am." I leant forwards, running my thumb gently across the sharp side of the knife, "But Alex I'm good. I'm really good at what I do, and I know that, and that can make all the difference. I'm good because I turned around and faced my fear, and turned it into a weapon of my own, through it I found myself again, and I can never forget that."

I turned my head away from the screen, suddenly embarrassed about all I had just said. Even to me it sounded a bit ridiculous.

"An' did you say that to them when they asked why?"

"Of course. As crazy as it sounds, it's the truth."

He nodded slowly, and let smoke curl from his mouth, "I'm proud of you."

I cocked my head to the side, "Why?"

"'Cause I know sometimes in interviews it's 'ard to say what you mean, 'ard to stay true to yourself, an' you did."

A warm feeling swelled through my body as I looked at him long and hard, wishing I could meet his eyes, "If...if I was with you right now,...I'd kiss you."

He rubbed his temples and sighed, "I know. An' I wish I could kiss you back."

I swallowed and looked away, shuffling the veg around into separate piles. I had to distract myself. Us. Taking a breath I said, "So I'm going to my parent's next weekend. I finally told my Dad about you."

He hesitated, but took the bait, "Oh, an' what did he 'ave to say?"

"Well obviously he wanted to know everything, how we met, how you were treating me, don't worry I gave you high marks," He smiled, "and said that he was going to read everything about you as soon as he put down the phone."

"Oh, god, I 'ave no idea whats so ever, what there is 'bout me. I hope it's not too bad."

I shook my head ay him, "No, it's alright, there's nothing really bad, just the usual, drunk acceptance speeches, a few interesting things you've said, etc."

He chuckled, "I should probably know what they're all sayin' 'bout me, but I jus' couldn't give a fook."

"You don't need to, I'm on it. I'll let you know if there's anything too bad. You can stay in your blissful state of ignorance of the ways of the internet."

He full on laughed then and I laughed with too. God I missed him, " Thanks love, I appreciate it."

He went to say something else but stopped, and leant forwards, "Your arm alright." I stopped chopping a leek, and looked down at my bare left forearm, as I had just rolled up my sleeve. Covering the skin just above my wrist was a white bandage , "Yeah just a burn." He leant backwards again, but still looked a little worry, "'ow'd you do that?"

"Playing with fire last night..." I replied, "I was maybe just a little drunk." I laughed, and glanced at him.

"You went out on a Monday night to do fire an' get drunk?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged, "It wasn't the plan." I cleared my throat, and turned down the flames under the frying pan, "Jade and I went to hang out with Seb, back at his place, " I glanced at him, "Totally innocent, don't you worry. And he has this roof garden, we went up there, and as I had just come from Circus Space I had my fire hoop with me. So we drank a bit more than we meant to, and I did something stupid, resulting in this. Good night though."

"Hmm, glad you're 'avin' fun."

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him, "I still miss you all the time."

He sighed, "Me too."

I winced slightly and stopped stirring the onions, pressing my hand to my lower abdomen, "You alright?"

I glanced at him and shook my head, "Yeah, I'm alright. Just bloody cramps are killing me, I think I'm near the end, because it's always the worse." The moment of pain passed and I carried on with what I was doing, "I came on a few days after you left and this one has been going on for fucking ages. Probably why I was being so emotionally when you left, crying and all that…"

He nodded his head, then cocked it to the side, "You didn't cry that much when I left."

I closed my eyes briefly, and with my back to him said, "Not when you were there."

He was silent, while I tipped the fried onions into a separate bowl, and then started on the mince. "Rhea, I gotta see you. It's been what, just over two weeks? I'm goin' out of my mind."

Turning off the heat so I could give him my full attention, I twisted around and sat in a chair opposite the screen, "I know Alex, and I am too. I can't tell you how many times I have looked at flights to come and surprise you." I shook my head sadly, "But, they're are insanely expensive, and even if I have more money than I usually do at the moment, there is no way what so ever that I can afford it."

He lent forwards, "Listen, I can pay for you. I know you've got the Easter 'olidays comin' up, you'll have at least two weeks off."

I looked up to the ceiling, and rubbed my neck, "Al, I refuse to be one of those girls who just uses all her boyfriends money."

"Well then when the 'ell are we goin' to see each other? I'm on this tour until the fookin' middle of May." I chewed on my lip, and looked down at my hands that were clenched together. "Rhea, you've said yourself that I 'ave too much money for my own good. I've gotta spend it on summet, an' the best thing I can use it for is payin' for you to come an' see me."

He was right. Of course he was right. But I just couldn't seem to get past that bit that hated the idea of using his money. I refused to be the woman the paper's and fan's thought I was, I was not a gold digger. But these past two weeks had been the hardest that I could remember. So many things would happen through the day that I would long to talk to him about, but by the time we could schedule a phone call, the moment would pass and it just wouldn't be the same. Even Skype wasn't helping much. I longed to touch him, to kiss him, but on here I couldn't even look him in the bloody eye.

"Please."

I looked back at him, seeing the grim set of his mouth I let my head drop into my hands, and made a small noise. Why did everything have to be so complicated. Then again, maybe it wasn't and I was the one over complicating it.

I threw my hands up in the air, and got up, "Fine. Fine, I'll have a look at flights and dates."

"Jesus Rhea, you don't 'ave to do it if you don't want to. Nobody's forcin' you."

I turned back to him, "Of course I want to. Fuck, I just, I hate using your money. It goes against everything I want to be."

His eyes seemed to darken and anger flitted across his face, "And what 'bout me then? While you're goin' over your whole honorary thinkin', I'm in fookin' Canada longing for my girlfriend, who at the end of the day, doesn't seem to even want to see me."

I turned and looked at him, my expression incredulous. He had spoken so fast that the speech had been muddled, but I knew what he said, " Alex, don't fucking try to guilt trip me into this ok. I will come and see you. I_ want_ to see you, because this morning I once again woke up with mascara staining my pillow, because again I had cried myself asleep for my boyfriend who's halfway around the bloody world."

He was silent, his eyes slightly widened, lips parted. He closed his eyes, and frowned, "Rhea, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that."

I huffed, and looked up at the ceiling, then back at him, "I know, just don't do it again. I _hate it_, I've had enough of it already."

I walked back over to finish what I had been doing, and busied myself in that for a while. I heard him get up and do something, and for a minute or two his chair was empty. He came back and sat down, watching me. I heard him take in a breath, then speak, "Your hair looks so soft today." Staring at the wall opposite me, I paused then let a small laugh escape my lips, and tugged at a lock that hung near my hand, "Oh I don't know about that. The wind had quite a go at it today, so I think looks may be a little deceiving."

"Well today, look is all I can do, so it doesn't matter."

"Soon you'll be able to run your fingers through it, and even if you don't want to, I'm going to make you." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

He snorted slightly, "Oh really? An' 'ow will you make me?"

Turning to him, I put one hand on my hip, "Well it's pretty simple really. You ain't getting any of this," I ran my hands down my body, "until you do. Simples."

He shook his head, grinning, "That may just work, except," He put one finger up, "I don't think you'll be able to resist this." He brought his arms up and flexed, pouting his lips. I burst out laughing, and he joined in, the speaker crackled as his humour came out. It carried on in this way as we chatted along about things that may not seem important to others, but to us they were a lifeline to what we used to have. It was hard though. It was hard to sense what we really felt. At the end of the day, words could only do so much, and I longed to watch him properly as he spoke to me. To be able read what he was saying without him having to utter a word. That was what I needed, and so did he. It was a necessity that we see each other soon. We were learning to use each other as means of recovery, and just like a pill, we were becoming addicted to each others taste.

"Is that a new dress?"

I stopped rubbing my finger around the rim of my mug, and looked up at him, "Yeah, finally got a new one."

"It's really suits you."

I ran my hands down the length of the black dress, all the way to where it ended just above my knees, "Well aren't you full of compliments today," He shrugged, " Jade helped me choose it. It took ages, as she was trying to find ones that fitted around my shoulders. Bane of an aerialist life are our upper bodies." I lifted my hands up and pointed them at the camera, "Oh and _look._ Look at these babies. They finally actually _look_ like nails." I hadn't bitten them since he had left, determined to have proper nails, "Now when I paint them, they won't just look like blobs of colour on the ends of my fingers."

He looked at them and nodded, playing with the ring on his little finger. His smile had a forced edge to it, and I brought my hands back down to my lap, playing with the hem of my dress. I watched his fingertips twist it around and around. Taking a sip of my tea, I waited for him to say it. He took a breath, his chest moving under his House Voodoo shirt, "I 'ave to go."

I looked down at the hot substance in my cup, the smell tickling my senses, "I know."

"Same time tomorrow?"

I shook my head, sighing, "No, sorry. It'll have to be a little later, as I'm not helping Rae tonight, I've got to go in tomorrow. I'll text when I know the exact times." My eyes ran along the screen's borders, "Sorry."

"S'alright love, we'll work it out."

I bit my lip, "Yes we will." Placing my hand on my chin, and went to hover my finger over the mouse, ready to click on that red button, "I'll have a look at dates and times, then I'll have a look at your tour schedule ok?"

"Perfect." He leant forwards and held up his hand, "See you later love."

"Bye." He smiled slightly, then there was a click, and the screen went black. I sat there and watched my reflection. There, that was it. No parting words that cushioned my heart where it was locked in the box of his absence. I felt like crying but pushed it away. Even though letting it all out can help in many ways, here crying would get me nowhere. Outside it was darkening, twilight snaked across the sky in beautiful colours and I thought of home. Now Mam would just be getting dinner ready, my various siblings nosing around for snacks, Mam shooing them away. Soon, John would come in from working in the woods, his rigger boots covered in mud, getting it all over the stone floor. But nobody would care, because that floor hadn't been washed since Spring last year. Spring. I smiled slightly, my eyes catching on all the light greens in the tiny front garden. What I would love to be able to experience all that with him. I was nervous about him meeting my family, then again, I was quite sure they wouldn't judge him from the first meeting. Hopefully they would let him grow into himself around them, then really see what he was made off. I laughed quietly to myself at the thought of him in our kitchen, surrounded by us all at dinner, the noise could sometimes be overwhelming. Even with me, Alex would sometimes take himself off, even if it was just to the other room, to have a moment to himself. I hoped he would be able to do that with them, and not feel as though he had to be someone he's not.

I sat up straight and took a deep breath, a quick sip of my tea, then woke the laptop up again. Right, now to plan my holiday with him. My toes curled in excitement and I couldn't help letting out a small squeal.

_/\\_/\/\\_

Staring at the phone in my hand, I hovered my finger over the buttons. Who to call? I wanted advice, I wanted to talk to someone who would understand. I turned my head, and looked out of my bedroom window. It was completely dark except for the ever present glow that covered London at night. My eyes searched for stars, but I could only find the lights of an aeroplane.

Dinner had been a success, Lious and J complimenting my cooking and having thirds. The evening had passed by with ease and soon the coats were all on and I was waving goodbye to them through the glass of the door, a part of my heart following them through the night. Sally had sat to read the paper next to the fire, and I had excused myself to my room, needing time to think. Needing to talk to someone. Sighing, I pressed in a number, and lay back on my bed, putting the phone to my ear. It rang and then her voice brushed against my ear, "_Hey sis_."

I smiled at hearing her voice and instantly relaxed, "Hey Fey."

"_You alright_," She said, finishing with a yawn.

My eyes traced my ceiling, lighting upon the far corner where a cobweb floated, "Yeah, I'm alright. You?"

"_I am so tired. Still not recovered from the weekend."_

I giggled and curled up on my side, "Oh really, and what did you get up to may I ask?"

"_I got up to way too much. I went over to Aaron's house, and well, you could say we didn't sleep much." _

"What have you two lovebirds been upto then?"

"_Nothing I want to explain to my sister about._" She said, her voice high.

I laughed, then sighed, "Must have been nice to see him again. He was away for a week wasn't he?"

"_Yeah, he was._" She stopped, then, "_And that's why you've called me isn't it_."

"What do you mean?"

I could practically hear her roll her eyes, "_I mean that you're missing your boyfriend, and you want to talk to me about it._"

I closed my eyes, "Yes. You've always been too good at reading my mind."

"_Well that's what sisters are for right?_"

"Right."

"_So what's going on?_"

"He wants me to go and tour with him over the Easter Holidays."

There was silence as she took it in, "_And you don't want to?_"

I frowned, "No. I just...ugh, I'm scared. Out there, I will be at complete mercy to him. There will be nowhere for me to hide. I can't just run back home if it gets too much."

"_Well it sounds to me that's exactly what you need Rhea._"

"What do you mean?"

"_What I'm saying is that when you came over all you talked about was him. And that's ok, because god knows we all want this for you, and fucking hell do you deserve it. If you think this might be serious, this will be the perfect way to test it out. He's tasted some of your world, now it's time for you to have a sample of his life. Of being stuck for hours on end with him in a bus. You wont be able to run and hide, you'll have to face what ever scares you. Whatever that may be_." I was silent as this sunk in, "_Come on Rhea, you should know this. If anything you're the one that lectures me on it all the time._"

I shook my head in disbelief. Fey was a special one, "Hmm, you're probably right. I'm just so close to the situation I can't get a clear view of the whole picture. It's like my face is pressed up against the mountain and I am blind except to what is right in front of me."

"_And what's right in front of you, is that you're scared._"

"Yes, I think that's at least part of it."

"_Just go for it Rhea. Take a leap again._" She was utterly serious, and my heart clenched in love for her.

"Seriously?"

"_Seriously. I think you've let that bastard command your life for long enough._"

My breath puffed out off my mouth, and I ran my thumb along the sharpness of my new nails, "Hmm, I think you're exaggerating a bit there."

"_Am I? Because I don't think I am._" She was silent until she realised I wasn't going to say anything, "_For god's sake, all those decisions you've deemed yourself unworthy to take on because of what he said. And what about Damon, the poor guy would do anything for you, but you just couldn't commit to it because of him. You've pushed away happiness because you feel you're toxic. You're not and you should know that by now._"

Damon had been someone that I tried to want after Jamie, but I just couldn't do it.I lowered my eyes, and bit my lip, "Yeah...I know."

"_No you don't. Not yet. Not fully. So do this for everyone that loves you and go and meet this dude, please, I'm begging you._"

I paused, then nodded slowly, "I will."

"_Good, one question, where are you meeting him?_"

I grinned, and let out a small laugh, "Argentina."

"_Rare is this love, keep it covered_

_I need you to run to me, run to me, lover_

_Run 'til you feel your lungs bleeding__"_

-Run-Hozier-

Hope you enjoyed, Sav x


	23. Not As Kind On The Eyes

**-Not As Kind On The Eyes-**

"_I'll do whatever it takes_

_When I'm with you I get the shakes_

_My body aches when I ain't_

_With you I have zero strength_

_There's no limit on how far I would go_

_No boundaries, no lengths"_

-Spacebound-Eminem-

_-5th April 2012-_

Tiredness thrummed through my body, mixed with excitement and a dash of fear. My nails skimmed the skin on my arm, and my lip was a nervous wreck under teeth that continuously gnawed at it. Colours were blurred in my vision that took nothing in, except the time, and I stared at the line between my dress and the seat that had held me for the last thirteen hours. My body was stiff and sore, shaped in the curve of the seat and I longed to get up and stretch. Turns out that soon I would be getting my wish, as in twenty minutes we would be landing in Ezeiza International Airport, Argentina. Bringing my hand up to my teeth I started to chew on my nails before pulling them away, mentally telling myself off. I had kept it going for this long, I wasn't going to give up now. It had all started when he had left and now thirty eight days later they were beautiful and strong, covered in silver that sparkled in the light. Thirty eight days since they had dug into his skin. Thirty eight days since I had held him to me, touched his lips to mine, woken up to him beside me. And now like an addict who had been ripped away from her drug, I was so far down in the hole of withdrawal people were glad to get rid of me. The phone and Skype calls had only teased me into a frenzy of need. Like watching someone else snort that drug through a glass screen. I needed him.

The call for seatbelts came and went. I did as I was asked, clipping myself down, as we hurtled to the ground. Down to him. It was finally the day that I would see him again. There had of course been second thoughts about coming out to meet him. I was going to be away for fifteen days, and some people hadn't been so happy with me being away for so long. Yet, the ones who mattered had seen what the distance between us did to me and let me go. I licked my lips, the air was stuffy around me and I couldn't wait to take a breath of fresh air. The fine hairs at the back off my neck were stuck to the skin, and I lifted it up fanning myself with the book I had tried to read. I had kept the hair long so that it now fell well past my breasts. It had been a beautiful asset to my photoshoot. The photographer had complimented it, the make up artists decided to leave it be, saying it was perfect just the way it was. When I had been in front of them, I could feel the barrel of the camera on me, I could already feel all the eyes on me, judging. The tips of the blond ends had brushed the bare skin on my exposed back as I had lifted my hands up above my head, reaching for the hoop. Lifting myself up onto the round metal, I had looked into that camera and dared anyone to make assumptions about me. Flash after flash blinded me to everything but who I was and what I was doing. A certain thrill had filled me. Then it had been over. Make up off, clothes on, hands shaken, cheeks kissed, and away, back to the real world. Back to missing him. Back to the emptiness that had settled into my stomach the moment he'd waved goodbye.

My body shuddered as we hit land, and my breath escaped my lips. I reached over and stuffed my belongings back into my bag, fingers shaking. We wouldn't have much time alone. As soon as I was getting off this plane, we were on the tour bus, driving to Brazil. We would manage though. A smile pulled at my lips and it quickly turned into a grin. I let out a small laugh and sat up straight as we rolled towards the airport. Energy buzzed around me and my stomach was a mess of nerves. I unclipped myself on command and stood, pulling the rest of my hand luggage down to me, readying to move away from my seat. I was too early though, and had to wait a while for the rest of the world to move catch up. I tapped my foot against the floor in impatience, my eyes flitted around the plane, watching but not seeing a thing in front of me. All I could see was the future, the one I had dreamt about for the last week. Eventually the door was thrown open and the people around me started to walk towards the exit. I moved in to the flow of bodies, most of whom were shorter than me. The sun had darkened their skin to rich browns that made my Welsh skin stand out. My feet stumbled on the flat floor and I stopped, making everyone behind push past. I stayed there, the flow of people parting around me, until I was at the back of the crowd. And breath. Now there was space to move, I carried on towards the exit, my mouth dry.

It turns out that when you are looking for something, it somehow evades your gaze, no matter how hard you look. That was what was happening now. However in my case, it was more that I was seeing him everywhere, but it wasn't him. All around me people were being greeted by families, lovers and friends, and I was just standing up against the wall, looking. He said he would be here. I decided to move on, out into the open air, where there was less people and more space to breath. They were probably late, caught in traffic. I could wait, or at least I hoped I could. The sun beat down on my face, which I lifted upwards, closing my eyes to the blue sky that stretched on, with not a cloud in sight. The warm air brushed up against my skin, and I smiled slightly, loving the exotic feel of it. It had been too long since I had been away, and I mean really gone away, to a country I had never visited before. With my eyes closed, all my other senses were on high alert, sounds and smells strong and vibrant. My skin tingled on my left cheek and I opened my eyes again looking in that direction.

And saw him.

My breath came out with a gasp and I stood frozen as he approached. He hadn't seen me yet. And I took him all in. Jeans that clung to him, dark shades that gave an air of mystery and arms bare and brown. I swallowed and then without really knowing what I was going to say, I shouted, "Alex. I'm here." He stopped, rigid, then swung around to face me, his face emotionless. His mouth shaped my name. There was a beat, as we took in each other, but then I burst forwards and ran to him, my face split into a shaky smile. He started to walk towards, me and we collided. I jumped and wrapped my legs around him, feeling his arms pull me to him once more. The kiss was something that only you read about. That only happened in dreams when you miss him in the middle of the night and you're all alone. His fingers dug into my thighs and I held him tighter, kissing him with all that I was worth. A moan of absolute satisfaction escaped my lips. It was only when I became aware of a wetness that dropped onto my arm, did we pull apart. Slowly he let me down to the floor, still holding me as close as possible. I sniffed and laughed slightly, running my eyes over every single bit of him that I could. Should this be the last thing I see I wanted him to know it's enough for me because all that he is, is all that I'll ever need. Another tear slid down my cheek and I brushed it away, trying to get the words out, but all I got out was "Sorry." I closed my eyes and then opened them again, "Oh my god, I can't believe you're here." He shook his head and kissed me again, still silent. Finally, finally we were back together. A weight I didn't know I was carrying disappeared from my shoulders and I felt so light, I might have just floated away, if it wasn't for his tight hold on me.

"Ah, fook, I 'ave missed you Rhea." He voice was low and heaven to my ears.

I lifted my hands to his face and kissed his nose, cheek and then mouth once more. I was starved. "You have no idea." I replied, my voice shaky with barely contained emotion. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I had stopped crying now, but I felt even more all over the place. I wanted to scream and shout, but also wanted to go somewhere dark and quiet. Just me and him. Now the initial greeting had passed, I was aware of the other guys, plus Brea waiting off to the side. There were no words to describe how I felt at the moment. All I could do was smile and lift my face back up, laughing quietly. Thank god. I hadn't been sure how much longer I could have lasted without him. His hands cupped my face, tracing it with his fingertips. I let out a small sob, putting my hands on top of his. He kissed me again, then let me go. Then kissed me once more. Still holding me tight to him, he twisted around so that we faced the direction he had come from. Without a word, we moved together, over to my luggage and I pushed it over to the huge tour bus that now sat around the corner. I couldn't take my eyes off him as he lifted up the door of the compartment under the bus, where I was to place most of my stuff. He smiled up at me, his eyes bright, a light brown in the sun as he had now removed his sunglasses. I bit my lip and helped him move the luggage, brushing up against him more times that was necessary. Just to make sure he was really real. Brea was now at my side and I turned to give her a hug. She was small and light in my arms, her favourite perfume tickled my nose. It wasn't just Alex who I had missed. I had missed all of them. My new family. Her hug was of relief and happiness. Her smile was loving and bright, and I couldn't help pulling her in for another one which she gladly gave.

"Alright you two. Where's mine then?" Matt's voice made me instantly smile, as I turned to give him a fierce hug. He pulled me close, and whispered in my ear, "Thank god you're 'ere Rhea. It's been a nightmare." I pulled away and frowned at him, questioning. He nodded his head ever so slightly towards Al who was watching us carefully. I closed my eyes in acknowledgement and turned back to my lovers arms. He held me all the way into the bus, only letting me go greet Jamie and Nick, then the door shut behind us all. I looked around the narrow space. We walked past the cooker and sink which was piled high with washing up, and all the way down to where the walls were lined with sofas. "Well, home sweet home." I looked around at him, and my lips twitched, "It's actually rather nice." He grinned and shook his head at me, flopping down into one sofa which had his guitar leaning up against it and a book lying face down, pages spread out to either side. He reached out with his foot and hooked it behind the back of my knee, pulling me down almost on top of him. I giggled and he laughed with me as I landed next to him. He brushed his lips to mine again and sighed, "I feel like I'm at a complete loss for words." I nodded slightly, feeling the hum of the engine start. The others were up the other end of the bus, I could hear their quiet voices, "I know what you mean." I stopped and traced his jaw with my index finger, "I suppose it's not like we haven't been able to talk for over a month. What I've missed is being able to do this." I kissed him, then drew back, "And that doesn't need any words."

"Exactly. You've read my mind." We watched each other's expressions taking it all in. I couldn't quite believe that if I wanted to, I could touch him. Right now. "How long until we stop for the night?" I asked.

He raised his eyebrows slightly and smirked, "Gettin' a bit impatient are we?"

I rolled my eyes, and brushed my hand against his inner thigh, a sigh escaped his lips, "Oh, and you aren't?"

His eyes were dark and sultry and I pursed my lips slightly, giving him a small wink. He breathed out, "More than you know love." I looked away, back towards the others who were very nicely staying at the other end of the bus, "We'll just have to distract ourselves until we get there." He carried on.

"And how long is that going to be?"

He frowned in annoyance, "Well it's 'bout a twenty summet hour drive to Sao Paulo and we 'ave to be there by the seventh. Shows on the eighth…"

I nodded. I had pretty much worked this out for myself. Well the drivers were going to have to rest at some point before we got to Lollapalooza in Brazil, so there would be time. At this point we were joined by the rest of the group and the journey really began. Time passed with card games, kisses, drinks, food and laughter. I was introduced to two of their bodyguards who were good natured big guys who welcomed me into the group with smiles and jokes. As the hours passed I seemed to emerge from wherever I had been the last few weeks. Every time he touched me my mood lightened just that little bit more, every time I was included in a joke and was shared food and drink I felt more at home than ever. More than once I would catch Alex staring at me. Whenever he could he would hold me to him and kiss some part of me. It was satisfying beyond belief and I revelled in being held again. He had changed as well. Over just a short space of time he was hardening up. It wasn't a bad thing, more that he was pushing that wide eyed boy aside and welcoming that yes, he was in fact a rock star who was allowed to enjoy the life that he now had. The clothes, booze, parties and the celebrity lifestyle was now becoming very much a part of him. I didn't really mind. For I knew that he still enjoyed reading the dictionary before bed, tinkering with a car and going down to the local pub. But now he had something to fall back on. A front of sorts that he could pull up when he was on stage or in front of those flashing cameras. We all have one, and I just think that he was smartening his up a bit, pulling it out of the box and showing that he could be that person. I thought about this as I gazed out of the window, watching the road speed past underneath us. The countryside was spectacular and I watched it with an avid fascination. My face was cupped in my hands and I tapped my fingers against my temple to the beat of a song that was lazily coming out from the surround sound speakers. Music had been a constant through the whole of today, along with the never ending Fifa competitions. I see now why Jamie had said they played a disgusting amount of the thing. I have never quite got all the hype behind video games, and had watched in puzzled wonder as people whiled away hours on the things. I wasn't judging them, I just had other things I would rather be doing. I turned my head and yawned, tired from my day of travel. Brea lay next to me, immersed in some magazine, while Jamie, Nick and Matt played another round of Fifa. Alex was somewhere up the other end of the bus. He had only been gone for a little while, but I was already starting to feel his absence.

"You alright?" I cast my eyes down to Brea, whose head was near my bent knees. Her brown orbs stared up at me, "Hmm, just enjoying the view." I replied. I massaged my left forearm and grimaced slightly in pain.

She smiled, giving the window a quick glance, "Yes, it can be quite something."

I cocked my head to the side, "You don't find it very interesting?"

She shrugged, laying the magazine down on her chest, "It's all beautiful in its own way, some views I prefer more than others, but to be quite honest with you Rhea, it all blurs into one after a while." I nodded in understanding, "I expect it does." I chuckled, "Well I'm going to enjoy it while I still want to." She laughed with me and picked her magazine back up, "You do that." And I did. That is, until he returned. His hands found my neck and wound his fingers through my loose hair. I leant back against his stomach, feeling his solid warmth. His hands started to knead my neck and shoulders and I groaned in pleasure mixed with pain. "Your muscles are so stiff Rhea."

All I could do was moan as he hit a particularly painful spot. When he moved into a slightly softer part of my back, I said, "Well our teachers like to get the most out of us before we go away. Just in case we forget what we're coming back to." I shifted to the side, "Ah, not there. That's a bruise."

Al's hands pushed the neck of my dress aside to reveal my lower shoulder and let out a slow whistle, "Fookin' 'ell babe, what 'ave you been doin'?"

I winced as he brushed his fingers gently across the discoloured flesh, "Falling over."

He let out a snort of laughter, "I don't even wanna know."

My mind flashed to the backflip gone wrong, "No, you probably don't."

Brea sat up at this point and grinned at us, pulling out her phone. I rolled my eyes, "Ah, no." Grinning, I pulled Al's t-shirt up and over my head, turning so my cheek was flat up against his skin. I breathed in and closed my eyes relaxing. I opened them again and watched the light from outside try to push through the minute holes in the fabric. I could just about see Brea's shape through the material. "That is such a cute picture." Brea exclaimed from through the clothe. I smiled and lifted it back up so that I could see again. Alex's laughter bounced against my head and I couldn't help laughing with him. I gave Brea permission to post it and settled down with Alex on the sofa. It was now late evening and the light was rapidly failing. I turned to the side, my back to Al's chest and watched a spectacular sunset appear, then drop away off the side of the earth. The colours were beautiful and I longed for my camera which was unfortunately in the lower compartments of the bus. "It's so beautiful." I whispered. I felt Al turn away from his inspection of my hair and look in the direction I was. The last rays of the sun were still poking up over the horizon, making it look as though if you just could reach it, that was where heaven would be.

"I would rather look at you all evenin'. It's just not as kind on the eyes."

A small smile touched my lips, "Sometimes I wish I could write down all the things you say. I wish they'd just magically appear in a notepad that I could take around with me."

"Or…" His mouth kissed the hollow behind my ear, "You could jus' 'ave me around all the time, then all you 'ave to do is be you an' you'll be showered with the words..."

I turned my back on the horizon and looked at him, brushing his hair off his brow, "Alright." His kiss was gentle, like the flutter of tiny wings against my lips. Who needed the horizon when I had mine right here? Beautiful, mysterious and full of never ending secrets. I would chase it for the rest of my life, and still he would surprise me with words like that.

Without saying the real reason why, everybody agreed that we should stop tonight at a hotel and then carry on early the next morning. It was now nearing seven and I was tired. After nearly two days of travel, plus the three hour time difference, it would be ten at night in England, I was exhausted. And hungry. Giving Al's hand a squeeze I stood and wandered over to the kitchen area where Jamie was finishing off the last of the washing up. He had gone a bit over to the top with bubbles and they were in danger of spilling onto the floor.

I smiled at him, "Liking the bubbles there are we?"

He grinned and shrugged, "When I picked it up, the bottle of liquid, it slipped an' ended up squirtin' loads of the stuff in." I raised my eyebrows and nodded, "Oh really. Yes lets just pretend that's what happened shall we. Nothing to do with the fact that you just can't get enough of the bubbles."

He widened his eyes, "I swear."

I spread butter on a piece of bread, "Hmhm."

He made a noise of annoyance, then I felt wetness splatter across my face. I jumped back with a laugh as the bubbles flew through the air, "Ah, you dick." He laughed and I joined in, reaching across him and snatching up a handful of the bubbles. He shook his head, "Na, you wouldn't dare..."

I pursed my lips, and flicked my fingers against my wet cheek, "Oh, I wouldn't would I." Before he could react properly, I blew the bubbles off the palm of my hand, right into his face. He turned away just a little too late. I shouted in triumph as he wiped them off, giving me a false look of irritation. He couldn't keep a straight face for very long and cracked into a laugh. We laughed together, wiping the wetness off. We continued to chat as he washed up and I made and ate my sandwich. The sky darkened to complete blackness, and the lights were dim in the bus. My eyelids were heavy, blinking shut more times than I would like. I also couldn't stop yawning. There was a lull in our conversation and I let out a particularly big one, my jaw giving a small crack. Cookie shook his head at me, "You look fookin' exhausted Rhea."

I shrugged, "Time difference isn't it, plus I've been run off my feet for the last week."

He gave a cheeky grin, "Well you better keep your energy up. We're goin' to be at the hotel soon."

I frowned, "What do you mean."

He put his finger to his lips, and did an exaggerated expression of thought, "Hmm, well lets think. You 'aven't seen Al for what? Just 'bout over a month? An' to be quite honest, you 'aven't been able to stop lookin' at each other for the whole of the journey..."

I covered my face with my hands, "Alright, alright. Shh. I'm not going to have this conversation with you." He laughed hard at my embarrassment. I flapped my hands at him, "Shut up."

"What's James done now?" Alex said from where he had appeared behind me. Jamie raised his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, "He's just being inappropriate."

"Jamie bein' inappropriate. _Never._" There was humour in his voice, and I smiled at it, turning to look at his face. He leant up against the counter next to me, laying his arm across my shoulders.

"By the way, we'll be stoppin' in the next hour or two."

I nodded, "Thank god, I'm bloody exhausted." To prove my statement, I yawned again.

"Well I hope you're not too tired babe." He said quietly next to my ear. I shivered slightly.

Jamie's expression turned smug, "See."

I gave him a look, shaking my head, "Yeah, yeah you two."

Alex finally caught on and chuckled, "Rhea, he's my brother. We talk." He raised his fist as Jamie did the same, they bumped them, wiggling their fingers after. I snorted, "You two are ridiculous. You know that right?"

Alex gave me a wink, "An' that's why the ladies love us."

I gave a sigh, "Indeed." Al's hand squeezed my upper arm and I laid my head on his shoulder. Jamie gave me a small smile and walked back down to the seated area. I watched him go, warm in Al's arms.

"It's so weird 'avin' you 'ere again. I keep rememberin' an' lookin' up an' seein' you there. I 'ave to pinch meself just to make sure I'm not dreamin'." His voice was quiet, ready to stop at any point.

I closed my eyes and turned so my head was in his neck, chest to chest, "Yeah...it's crazy. I'm so scared if I sleep, I'm going to wake up and all this will just be a dream. I used to dream of seeing you again, then wake up, back in London, my bed cold. I've been sleeping so badly Alex."

"You an' me both love, but I can tell you right now, I'm not goin' anywhere without you." I lifted my head up and kissed him, parting my lips against his. His hands ran down my body, fingers like electric. Hunger that had been waiting for weeks was burning in me. He fingers were like fire, lighting it all up. I twisted my hands in his hair, fingernails catching. With a huge amount of effort I drew back, turning my head to the side. He continued to kiss my neck, "We better get to that bloody hotel soon." I grumbled. He chuckled, "Hmm, or else I'm afraid I might 'ave to 'ave you up against this side, right 'ere."

My mind filled with the picture, and I scrunched up my eyes, trying to get rid of the image, "Oh Al, please don't."

"Hmm, you'd like that wouldn't you." His voice was deep and right next to my ear, his lips soft against my skin. His leg was between mine and I pulled him closer to me. His breath huffed out as I brushed up against his hard on. I smirked, "Yes I would, but maybe not when we have an audience."

He graoned, "Fook, I'm not sure I can wait."

I pulled away, "Well you're going to have to."

And wait we did. For two more hours we waited. Roads passed underneath the wheels. Beautiful new places passed by without me knowing, for all I was interested in was him. It ended up that I fell asleep, head on his lap, only to wake, what felt like two minutes later, Alex gently shaking my shoulder, "We're 'ere love." I blinked open my eyes, head still nestled into his stomach. Putting my hand beneath me, I pushed up so I could see out of the window. There were houses everywhere, the bus was moving slowly through the streets. I blinked tiredly at the sites and turned to him, "Thank god."

He smirked slightly, "Hmm."

Looking up at him under my lashes I yawned, then turned away and stood up. Brea and Matt were nowhere to be seen, while Nick and Jamie were playing with their phones. They lifted up their heads as I stood. I winked at them and stretched my hands above my head, my shoulders and elbows crunching. By the time I had finished stretching, we had pulled up outside a decent looking place, which I assumed was the hotel. "We aren't going to be able to stay at hotels every night, but tonight I think everybody wants to." I nodded as Al told me this. We had this night at least. Now we had stopped, all of us grabbed extra clothing from around the place, I shrugged on my light jacket, and walked out of the bus. Having taken my boots off in the bus, I was barefoot on the warm pavement and Al's lips twitched at the sight. We got many interested looks from passers by and some stopped, openly staring at us. Looking around I realised I actually had no idea where we were. Somewhere between Argentina and Brazil probably. I was never very good at geography so came to a complete blank when I tried to work it out in my mind. To be honest though, I didn't really care. I was here finally, and I was happy, over the moon to be back with them all, with him. That was all I needed at this moment in time. I felt a tug on my hand as Al took it in his, pulling me towards the hotel doors. In his other hand he had one of my bags which had my essentials in it and I gave him a smile of thanks. He still remembered what bags I kept what in. Crazy man. He couldn't even remember how to spell 'people', but remembered what bag I needed. He seemed to read my mind and shrugged, putting his arm around my waist. With the others behind us, we walked into the small hotel, followed by the eyes of the locals. We had a slight trouble getting the rooms as none of us spoke any of the language, but we got there in the end as they had a decent amount of English up their sleeves. The key to our room felt like a talisman when they placed it in my hand, and I held onto it tightly. There were three floors all together and it turned out that we were the only ones on the second floor out of our group. The lift was small and once again were squished up against each other. It was fine though, and all Brea and I had to do was look at each other to dissolve into a fit of giggles. Gasping for air, Alex and I reached our floor first. I shrieked as he jumped out of the lift, picking me up as if I weighed nothing and threw me over his shoulder. This only started Brea off again and the rest of the guys laughed "'ave fun kids." Matt shouted out after us.

"Oh you bet we will." I shouted back, my body bobbing along as Al ran down the hallway towards our door. When we got there, he let me down but I kept my arms around him. Pulling one of my arms from around his neck, he uncurled my fingers that were around the eyes met. I watched as he pushed it into the lock and the door swung open revealing a one room hotel suite. I walked in ahead of him holding my bag in my hand. I threw it onto one of the two chairs that were situated around a small table. A vase of lilies sat in the centre of it. Three feet away was a neatly made bed. Light blue covers lay over white sheets. Simple but affective. There was a thump as Al let his bag fall to the ground. I looked at him and breathed in through my nose and out of my mouth. Now the moment was here I wasn't quite sure how to proceed. All humour had gone from our faces and I swallowed. Alex kicked off his white converse. A smile touched my lips. I curled my bare toes up against the thin carpet at my feet. I raised my eyes to his, "So what's it going to be? I undress myself while you watch, or would you like to do the honours?"

The side of his mouth twitched, then he was serious again, his dark eyes raking over my body. I felt them like his touch. "Oh, please carry on."

Alright then. I slid my hands down to the bottom of my skirt and pulled it up and over my head so that I was just in my underwear. I threw it onto the floor. "Actually, fook this." Alex said before walking forwards and pulling me to him. Mouth on mouth we let go and consumed everything that we could give each other. I couldn't move fast enough to remove every layer of clothing so we could be skin on skin. While he bit gently onto my neck, my hands went down between us, and I quickly undid his belt buckle, my fingers once again knowing exactly what to do. Muscle memory. Whipping the belt away, I undid the button, but stopped as his hands undid my bra strap and he ripped it from my body. He moved his face down to my breasts kissing each and every bit of them. He moaned into my skin, "Jesus I've missed you."

I took a step back, "Just so we're clear," I got out between gasps, "I missed more than just making love to you. The fact that you make me feel like this from just a touch, is just icing on the cake."

He shook his head at me, "Oh I know. But I'm only human an' if you don't get back over to me right this instant I won't make it for that much longer."

"You got that right." I said, then kissed him. Next was his t-shirt off. I marvelled at his chest, running my hands all over it. Kicking off his jeans, he pushed me down onto the bed. I lay there as he gazed at me. Slowly he lent down, and pulled off my knickers. Starting at my knee he kissed higher and higher, loving each bit of me. He was nearly there when he reached back up to kiss my mouth. I could feel him hard against me though his boxers and I rubbed up against him, feeling exploding through me. I moaned his name, and dug my fingers into his back. My toes curled as I lifted my legs up and around his back, holding him to me. I closed my eyes and surrendered to him once again. He pulled me away into rolling waves of pleasure, but I always knew that at the end he would bring me back to the safe harbour of his arms. This was how it was meant to be. When you completely let go and trust someone else. Sure over time I had slept with plenty of guys, but nothing came near to someone really loving your body and in that way, really loving _you_. Someone making love to you. In my mind fucking, sex and making love are three completely different things. The same way that stabbing someone and performing life saving surgery are different things. They both involve cutting the skin with a knife, but for radically different purposes. The way I see it, fucking is purely selfish, all about getting off for oneself. Sex is mutually fun. Making love is not about sex, it is an emotional connection when someone wants to be as close as they can be to another person, and you can't get any closer than being inside them. I as a woman was letting Alex get as close to me as was humanly possible and if that wasn't an act of absolute trust and devotion, then I had read it all wrong. Now after weeks of solitude in this department, my body was completely hyper reactive and in no time at all I was screaming his name as we went over the edge together. That didn't stop us there. We stayed up later than was good for us and loved and talked. I told him things that I didn't know I had been waiting to tell him until now. Things that just couldn't be explained without him really being there. To touch, to look at, to hold and love. And that was just it. Love. Like an itch that gave pleasure when you scratched it but was so painful you almost stopped. Love was at the back of my mind. But I hadn't really put it into that word yet. I was still using all those other words. Devotion, affection, appreciation, friendship, passion, respect, tenderness. There were so many. So many words that you could use instead of that one four letter doing word. The one that almost paralyzed me with fear.

Now looking down at him, sleeping, his head on my breast, I was trying not to cry. I just couldn't do this. Slowly but surely I pushed his head off me and moved away to the side of the bed, the covers soft as they slid off my naked body. Swinging my legs to the floor I bowed my head. I needed air. There was a small window that looked out onto the street below us, lined with houses. I stood, pulling one of the sheets with me and walked to the glass. When I got there I pushed it open and breathed in the city smells. I sniffed, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. What had I done? I never wanted this again. To bare myself completely to another person. The thought filled me with such despair and panic it made me shake. A part of the sheet fell from my shoulder, baring my skin to the night air. I shivered. I was cold now, frozen even. I closed the window again and turned back to him. The warm light from the bedside lamp cast shadows over his sleeping figure under the blankets. His hair was mussed, hand curled softly lying on the pillow, palm towards the ceiling. I had been so happy to be here. It was like I had been waiting my whole life for them. For him. All of them understood me like friends that had known me for years. They saw me for who I really was and that terrified me. Like I knew I would, I wanted to run. I wanted to run back to my home, back to what I knew. Back to things I knew how to deal with. But I couldn't. Here I was, in a city I didn't know the name of, naked, with a man who knew more about me than I ever wanted anyone to know. Shit. My breath was coming in short gasps of air and I steadied myself on the white walls. My vision swam, so I closed my eyes. It just made it worse. I slid down the wall, until I was curled up against it, my knees up to my chin. A ball. I couldn't stop the tears now and they flowed freely down my cheeks, soaking the sheet around me. My lips shaped the same word over and over again, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…" Twisting my hands into my hair, I clung tight to myself. I had never meant for this to happen. To be honest I wasn't really sure what I had wanted. Maybe it had just been my need for companionship. My need for all those words I had said earlier. All I knew for certain was that I had never meant for this to happen. Not even when I had let him believe that I had given him my all. I had really done it this time. I had fallen in love with him.

Fuck.

"_But help me heal these wounds,_

_They've been open for way too long._

_Help me fill this soul,_

_Even though this is not your fault"_

-Wounded-Good Charlotte-

**Hope you enjoy, Sav x**


	24. The Idea Of Him And I

**-The Idea Of Him And I-**

"_I'm confident_

_But I can't pretend I wasn't terrified to meet you_

_I knew you could see right through me_

_I saw my life flash right before my very eyes"_

-Stranger-Secondhand Serenade-

_13th of April 2012_

Pocking out my bottom lip, I blew up, making the dark hair at his nape move away from my nose. He squirmed, hiding his neck from me. I blew again, laughing ever so slightly. "Hmm." He said irritably, but at the same time, turned in our squashed conditions and buried his head in my breasts. I smiled sleepily down at him, running my hands through those nut brown locks. Looking up, I squinted through the cracks in the curtains that covered the tiny window that looked out of the side of the bus. The sounds of Coachella were starting leak through the walls, and it filled me with sleepy excitement. We had arrived in the early afternoon yesterday after making our lazy way from Brazil where they had performed at Lollapalooza to sixty thousand. It had been incredible. As soon as we arrived in Coachella Valley, they all had gone straight to do sound checks for their show today. The days so far had been full of sun and laughter, with only a few small dark clouds that had passed as quickly as they had came. We were getting quite good at working through stuff now. I suppose that's what happens after you spend a decent amount of time together, you start to understand. After the first day together and that night that I had freaked out, it had got better. I was slowly coming to terms with the feelings, but at the same time, was starting to worry over if he was feeling the same way. I would have to be blind to not see that his feelings for me ran deep. But how deep is deep?

Al's hand slid to my bare thighs, slowly stroking with his fingertips. He was still half asleep, but I knew he would wake soon. He had an interview with KROQ before the show tonight anyway. I pulled gently at his hair, brushing my lips up and down his forehead. We were currently squished together like two bubbles that molded around each other, in one of the small beds on the bus. There were four buses all together, two beds in each that were just over the normal width of a single bed. Matt and Brea were accompanying the one across from us. Our small one was shielded from the rest of the bus by a thin curtain that opened into the pass between the beds, heading to the kitchen area. I fingered the cheap material of the light green curtain, playing with the idea of getting up. I dismissed it promptly. I had absolutely nothing I needed to do. Well except clear up from last night, as we had, had a little party of our own. Basically consisting of a few bottles of wine and some weed that someone had got hold of. My belly felt slightly unstable but all together I was fine. Later I would help with the getting ready of the show, as the techie crew had quickly found out that I was a dab hand at all that backstage stuff. I had told them with some pride that my great uncle was actually the one that invented the movable stage that they all worshiped so much. Since then I had been seen more as an asset than a hindrance when I was around.

"You're thinkin' pretty 'ard darlin'" Alex's muffled voice came out from just below the covers.

My lips twitched, "Am I?"

"Hmhm, your toe is twitchin'."

My big toe was in fact slowly moving up and down. I let out a snort of laughter, "And that means I'm thinking hard?"

"Yup," He said, popping the last letter, while bringing his head into the light. He blinked at me, then smiled sleepily, breathing a heavy sigh. I watched as he moved onto his back, bringing his hands up to his eyes, and rubbing life back into them. He went to stretch his arms above him, but hit the fake wood of the wall above his head. His knuckles gave a resounding' thwack' as they hit the wall. He withdrew them quickly, "Ouch." I took them in my hands, kissing the skin softly, "How long have you slept in this bed now? Surely you should know you can't stretch in it."

"You were distractin' me." He said, his voice sulky.

"Aw, fuck you."I rolled my eyes, smiling.

"Alright love, if you insist." I nudged his leg with my knee, which made him dramatically jerk away, hitting the other side of the bed that was flat up against the wall, "Ah, stop beatin' me up," He widened his eyes at me.

"Oh, that was totally all your fault."

He was about to answer, but stopped and frowned. Lifting his hips up, he rummaged underneath him. I watched until he triumphantly pulled the book I was reading out from below the covers. He held it up and raised his eyebrows at me, "What is this?"

"My book…"

"An' what 'ave we said 'bout 'avin' things in the bed? Nothin' apart from us can fit in this bloody box."

I shrugged and yawned, "Must have left it in here from yesterday. Sorry."

"You couldn't sound less sorry if you tried." He chuckled, leaning back down and holding the book up, opening it's battered pages, "Do you draw in all your books?"

I moved closer to him, which wasn't much, and looked at the cream pages. Doodles were drawn up the sides of them, random quotes and words were scrawled in between them, "Pretty much."

"Aren't they a bit distractin'?" He asked, tracing a spiral that swirled in and out of random lyrics that dotted the page.

I shook my head slightly, "Na...I'm not really aware I draw them, and I'm even more unaware of them when I read."

He was silent, seeming to contemplate something. Sunlight streamed through the cracks in the curtain, and I watched as they rested against his face, dancing across his skin. After a while he simply sighed and put the book aside, then leant over me, brushing his nose against mine, "Mornin' Rhea." A smile touched my lips the same time he moved to kiss them. I ran my hands down his back, as he brushed the hair away from my face, holding my head gently in his hands. His lips kissed the soft skin under my eye, moving down my face back to my mouth, "You know…" He said, his voice soft against my skin, "...It's time likes this that make me want to pinch myself."

I snorted, "What? Squashed in a tiny bed, not had enough sleep, with a woman who drank too much and hasn't brushed her teeth?"

He lifted up his head and grinned down at me, "Yeah…."

The humour left me and I ran my hand down his cheek, "Me too."We looked at each other and it started to feel like he wanted to say something. I waited. Just as it got to the point I was going to ask him to say it, he pulled away, pushing the curtain aside, and sliding down to the floor, '"Jus' gonna go to the loo." I watched him disappear. Sighing, I swung my legs out of the bed and stepped to the floor. My head felt fuzzy as I crouched down to pull open the draws that were under the bed. Pulling out some pant's, a bra and shorts, I pulled them on. It was already warm in the bus, and I knew over the day, it would only get hotter so I didn't bother finding a top right then. I wandered down the bus and opened the fridge, taking out a carton of orange juice. Just as I did this, the bus door opened and Matt, Brea and Nick traipsed up into the space. I smiled at them as they plonked themselves down on various services, "Morning."

Matt yawned and Nick rubbed his temples, Brea was the only one who smiled and replied, "Good morning."

I held up the carton, "Anyone want some?"

Three heads nodded in unison. I opened a cupboard above the sink and took out four glasses. "I'll 'ave one too please love." His fingers brushed against mybare side, as he walked past, opening the bus door and leaning on the doorframe, taking in the day. He'd changed into some jeans and his black and white chequered shirt. His feet were bare and he was still in the process of doing up all the buttons on the shirt. I turned away from him, taking another glass in my hand and pouring the juice equally into the glasses. The last drips fell into my glass and I added orange juice to the list of food we needed to get. Maybe I would go shopping today. I also needed to find a place to wash our clothes.

It turned out that breakfast soon became a much larger event as Stan and Cal, the bodyguards walked in and I felt obliged to feed them too, not that I minded at all. Not soon after Zack, Zackery Mickael, sauntered into the bus. I liked him a lot. He was a photographer and he had been with us since we had been at Lollapalooza. His photo's were just superb and I could say with pride that I had now been in quite few of them. Brea ended up, getting up and helping me, assisting in making the day have a great start. We decided on making a sort of fruit salad thing, plus the usual toast, eggs, bacon and all that shit. As we were cutting up the last of the fruit, there was a pause in Brea and mines conversation. I was just about to peel a banana, when Al caught my eye. The tiniest smirk was in the corner of his mouth and his eyes were hooded. Slowly I ran my fingers to the top of the banana and gently pulled at it, breaking it and peeling the skin back. My lips were trembling, I was trying so hard to hold in my laughter. I had never been very good at this sort of thing. Just as I was about to the bring the tip of the banana to my mouth, eyes connected with Al's the whole time, a pillow flew out of the air and hit him on the side of the head, "Guys that's gross, save it for later." Turning I caught sight of Matt and laughed at his face of comic disgust. I glanced at Alex who was sending him a scowl. Stepping forwards, I grabbed onto Al's winged belt buckle and pulled him to me, chest to chest. He put his hands on my hips as I glanced at Matt and said, "Shut up you. Five thirty this morning, you and Brea going for it like anything." With that I turned away and kissed Alex's waiting mouth. I was vaguely aware of laughter from the others, but let myself have a brief respite in his kiss. When I pulled away the corners of his eyes were crinkled up in a smile, which made me kiss him again.

Times had changed. No longer do I look at him with a wary eye, ready for him to bolt. Then why do I still feel like I was still waiting for something? Something just wasn't quite finished, one more piece needed to be put in place. Now as we moved around each other, a touch here, a word there, I was aware of his need also. But need for what? Did I need to say it first, would that start the flow? What if he wasn't ready for that and it was something else? These questions paraded around my mind, some seeming brighter than the others, but all caught my eye, all played with my attention. So much so that Alex had to say my name more than once from where he sat at my feet. We were sat outside, the grass smooth and warm under my bare feet that were on either side of Alex who sat between my legs. He had returned from his interview with KROQ about half an hour ago, the others were nowhere to be seen. A cigarette smoked in his hand, glasses covering his eyes, "Rhea?"

I blinked, "Yeah, sorry…"

"S'alright." He turned his head, twisting so he could look at my face that was half covered by my sunglasses, "I need to talk to you 'bout summet."

My mind sharpened as he said this, "Mmm?"

"I've been talkin' to the boys quite a lot 'bout what we wanna do after we finish this tour. All of us agree that we wanna settle down for a bit, an to be quite honest with you Rhea, I'm itchin' to get back to recordin' again. I've got so many new idea's" He stopped and took a drag, his hand flat on my bare knee. The soft wind rippled across my white cotton shirt, pulling at it, revealing my bare stomach where the buttons weren't done up properly. I ran my eyes over the view of Coachella Valley, it's views mostly took over by the buses around us, but it was there. Desert. When we had arrived here I had sat and just looked over it for a good half hour before I could do anything else. I was snapped back to reality when he spoke again, "Basically we wanna go somewhere quiet, with a good studio. Other night I were talkin' to Josh, " Aka, head man of Queens of The Stone Age, " an' he were sayin' 'bout the Sage an' Sound Studio's in LA…" He trailed off as if waiting for me to say something.

My mind hadn't quite caught up with his words yet so it took a minute for sound to pass my lips, "So your saying you want to go to LA to record stuff?"

"Yeah. Also LA has a such rich history in music, I always extremely enjoy it when I'm there. It's like…" He trailed off and frowned, " It's like knowing that so much historic music has been made in that place, makes the juices start flowin'." He looked up at me, "I've 'ad my eye on a house there for a while now."

My stomach felt weird, "How long is a while?"

"A few months. The idea started before we got together."

His hand felt strange on my skin and my toes curled uncomfortably in the green grass, "Alex, if you do that, when the hell are we going to see each other?"

He seemed to frown. I hated trying to have a conversation like this when I couldn't see his eyes, "Well I were hopin' you would come with me."

I sat up straight, removing my own sunglasses, pushing them up onto my hair, "Al, I can't move to America." My voice was high in shock. He was silent. "You're set on going aren't you?" I asked, my voice softer.

He nodded, "I really feel like I need to do this, like we as a band need to do this."

I leant back in my seat. The sun that had once gently warmed me felt too hot on my skin, the wind pulled at me, the day felt already too long. I sighed, watching his cigarette smoke disappear, "My whole life is in London, I've built something there. America is a very long way from home." As I said this I questioned myself though. How many times in the last months had I thought he was more like my home than home? How many times had I realised I had that urge again? That need for change, for movement, for new things. At the end of the day, I owed him more than I could ever let him know. Could I move away, thousands of miles away from everything I knew?

"Rhea, I know this is a big thing. You probably need to think 'bout it."

My eyes flicked to his face, then away, "What if I say no Alex? What if I stay in London?"

He swallowed, "I don't know. I want to be with you Rhea, for a very long time. Those weeks we 'ad together in March really made me realise 'ow much I wanna build some sort of home with you."

"Then why can't you do that in London, or maybe not there. You could go back to Sheffield-" I stopped abruptly as he stood, and turned away, "No. I can't go back there. I've moved away from there. I'm not the same person I were when I lived in that place. I've seen too much, done too much to be able to survive there." He started to pace. Nobody was around, the only sign of people was the low rumble of the festival coming to life around us, "I don't really know what it is. It's like I _hate_ the rain, I hate the dark depressive air of London, of England. I want sunsets, beaches, warmth. I want you with me in the studio. I want to be in a place where I can escape. Somewhere where there are no more reminders of England to affect me." His last words came in a rush. He dropped his fag down, and ground it into the earth at his feet, digging up the dark soil through the grass. I played with my nail on my index finger, "I don't know what to say." If I thought about it realistically I could come and live with him from June to August, it wouldn't be ages. I would have to be back by September for my second year at Circus Space anyway. Still uncertainty gnawed at my confidence in this plan. We had been together for just over two months and a month of that he wasn't even fucking there. Anger started to curl into my system. How could he just throw this at me? It was like he had already decided. Sliding my glasses back over my eyes, I stood up, "So say I come and stay with you in LA. What happens while I'm there? I wont be able to work, I'll be under age, I won't know anybody except you and the others and the Summer is when I make most of my cash. Plus, what happens when I have to go back in September?" If I was being honest with myself, money wasn't much of a problem at the moment, as performing for Seb had opened quite a few doors, as had the interview and photoshoot. People had gotten interested in me and were willing to pay a decent amount. I certainly wasn't rolling in the cash, but I currently had more than I had ever had in my life before.

"We can work it out Rhea, step by step. I just needed to tell you 'bout it, talk it through with you." He had stopped in front of me, where I stood arms around my waist, staring at my feet. I looked up at him and frowned, "Step by step isn't good enough Al, this is a big thing for me…" I looked away, turning my body slightly towards the buses, "Jesus Al, we haven't been together that long...we haven't even…" I trailed off, not seeming to be able to get the words out.

"Is that what this is? Is it gettin' too serious for you? I don't know 'bout you Rhea, but I know things 'ave moved fast, but it feels right. I wanna to start buildin' a life with you." He took a step forwards so I had no choice but to look at him. He had taken off his sunglasses and was looking straight at me, I did the same and he spoke, "Listen, I don't really know what you want out of this relationship. At the end of the day it may be that you just needed someone to want you again, an' that's ok, but for me it's gettin' more than that now. If you feel like that's all you wanted, someone to hold and say they need you then that's ok, but I need more than that Rhea. So I need you to stop an' think 'bout this 'cause if you don't feel how I do, this isn't goin' to work."

I spun away from him, as his speech ended, my emotions in complete turmoil, "Fucking hell Alex, of course I want more than that. Of course I want to build a life with you, more than anything, it's just…"

"It's just what Rhea?" His voice was harder, but full of uncertainty.

I whirled around to face him, and the words tumbled off my tongue, "I just don't know if you want me how I want you, so I'm worried that we're going to get there and it's all going to fall apart."

He stilled as I said this, then spoke, his voice low, "Rhea, my feelin's for you are insane, you should never doubt them."

"_Then why won't you say it?_" My voice was nearly a shout and it bounced off the buses. I became aware again, this certainly wasn't one of the most private places to have a conversation like this.

"I 'ave said it. I've said over an' over again, 'ow much I need you, want you, desire you, adore you…" I stayed silent, my face set, my stance closed. He sucked in a breath, "But those aren't the ones you want are they." I swallowed, feeling shaky as I watched his mouth move, "Yes that's it isn't it. You want the truth? " I froze, suddenly scared of the words that were about to come out of his mouth. A small smile appeared on his lips, "I love you. A lot. You make me so happy, you're smart, you're different, you're a little crazy an' awkward an' your smile alone can make my day. I'm in love with your voice, your body, your laugh an' your eyes. You've changed my perspective on so many things, brought summet in me back to life, an' for all of these things I love you so much it consumes me when I least expect it to. One look or touch from you an' I have to check that I'm not dreamin'."

He moved forwards so he was so close that I could smell his scent. I looked up, eyes meeting his. I was numb, feelings floated, curled and jumped in my body. Without my notice I spoke, "Why didn't you tell me before?"

He tilted his head to the side, "I wanted to, so bad. I wanted to tell you all the way back when I left. I wanted to tell you when you arrived, when we made love. I wanted to tell you this mornin' when we were talkin' 'bout your fookin' book an' I wanted to tell you when you kissed me in front of everybody." He touched my face gently, his face changing, eyes turning sad, "But Darlin' I didn't wanna scare you. Whenever I tried to get too close, you seemed to withdraw into yourself. Like when we were in the car to the airport, I tried to start tellin' you, but you stopped me an' I thought you must 'ave 'ad at least an inklin', but when we met again, you didn't mention anythin' about it, so I assumed you hadn't noticed or didn't want to. Then after we 'ad that first night together, you acted so strange afterwards, distant even, that I started to question all I 'ad thought I knew." He shook his head, "An' now you say this, you confuse me so much. One minute I'm sure you love me, the next, I would bet anythin' that you wouldn't care if I walked away right there an' then."

I brought my hand to my mouth, it trembled against my lips. I shook my head, "Alex, no. If you walked away now, it would be the end of me. I've been so selfish. I didn't want either of us to say it, because I knew that, that would be it, there was no going back." My words seemed too big in my mouth that I was trying not to choke on them, "I was absolutely terrified of taking that huge last step towards each other." I took his hand in mine, "But that night after I arrived, I realised that I was so fucking madly in love with you and that was it. I know at first I acted strange, I didn't quite know how to deal with it. Then there was the fact that you weren't saying anything about it." I looked hard into his eyes, trying to make him see how much I meant this, "But yes, I have absolutely, completely, stupidly fallen in love with you." I took a moment before saying it, " I love you, and I'm _so_ sorry I didn't tell you before."

My chest felt like it could barely contain my heart, like it didn't belong to me anymore. The look on Alex's face was enough for me to realise how stupid I had been to not to see it before. No one can ever quite describe love, for I believe it is different for every person out there. For me it was like falling a great height and just when you thought you would hit the bottom, he caught you. Now looking into those eyes of his, I couldn't help tears welling up in mine. Light headed he held me against him. Now in this valley where the sun seemed to shine forever, I realised that maybe I was worth it. If somebody like Alex could say with such honesty how he loved me, then maybe, just maybe, I was worth the risk. We were worth the risk. His fingers brushed my skin, the expression on his face could only be described as wonder. I was starting to feel high from him just being there. I grabbed his hand in mine, eyes flicking over his face, "Alex, just kiss me you idiot." I gasped out. Without any hesitation his mouth was on mine and I was taken away into our world. The one where no one could touch us. In it, we were invincible. Real life was but a distant memory, as I wrapped my arms tight around him. No longer did I feel like a part of me wasn't quite finished. Finally that hole that had slowly been filling because of him, was full to the brim. Full of him. His hands slid under my shirt and lightly pressed up against my skin. Wind gently tumbled around us, making my hair fall into a dance against his, entwining together. Light and dark. Day and night. I had no idea yet who was who. We eventually broke apart when my legs started to shake from either lack of air or maybe something else entirely. As his lips left mine, I threw my head back and laughter escaped the confines of my lips, breaking into the air. My face was wet from tears that flowed with my joy, and I sniffed as Al grinned back at me, his eyes intense. It was at this time that I heard the voices of approaching friends. Sure enough, Zack, Brea and Matt rounded the corner, coming into view of us, where we stood, arms still holding eachother tight. Taking a hand from Al's neck, I wiped under my eyes, my fingers picking up the last of my tears.

They didn't seem to notice anything until they were only a few feet away and Brea stopped in surprise and said, "Rhea, are you crying?"

I laughed, sniffing again, "Yeah…I was..."

She frowned, eyes flickering between our faces that I knew both wore ridiculous smiles, "You alright?"

I nodded, licking my lips, "Yes, very, very good actually."

She tilted her head to the side, putting her hand on her hip, "Ok." She stopped, glancing at Matt who was looking just as confused as her, but had a smile on his lips. She looked back at me, "So want some lunch?"

I nodded, "Yeah, that would be great, thanks." She smiled, and turned, Matt giving me a small wink and following her. Zack hesitated, then lifted up the ever present camera in his hands "May I?"

At that moment in time, I would have said yes to anything, as long as Alex would be there with me, "Of course." Al didn't object as I glanced at him, the silly smile still pulling at my face. He looked down at me, an equally big smile painted against his lips.

Later I stood at his side, as he waited to go onto stage. I was complete. His hand was tucked up against mine, thumb sliding against my skin in rhythmic circles. The future looked like the sunset that was blessing the sky ahead of us. Beautiful, free and full of secrets, it spread across the sky, enticing me towards it's heavenly depths. We had talked more about my moving to America with him, and things were looking up. He had pointed out that we would have to come back in July anyway as they had the Olympics to rehearse for and perform at, so I would have a chance to see family and friends. This had made the decision easier to consider. There was still questions that needed to be answered, people that needed to be talked to and logistics to be looked at, but for now those shackles were at the back of my mind. We were here, we had each other. Giving my hand a squeeze, he caught my attention once again. I turned my head to his, receiving his kiss before he let go off my hand and walked onto that stage, amidst the roar of the crowd. Just when I thought he had forgotten me, he looked back and gave me a smile. I thought I understood it. Love. But I didn't, only the idea of it. The idea him and I. And now he was helping me understand.

"_And I wish you all the love in the world,_

_But most of all, I wish it from myself._

_And the songbirds keep singing,_

_Like they know the score,_

_And I love you, I love you, I love you,_

_Like never before, like never before"_

-Songbird-Fleetwood Mac-

**Enjoy my lovelies, Sav x**


	25. Understand Me

**-Understand Me-**

"_She needs wide open spaces _

_Room to make her big mistakes _

_She needs new faces _

_She knows the high stakes" _

-Wide Open Spaces-Dixie Chicks-

_25th of May 2012_

"Wait, wait. I've forgotten my book."

"Oh for god's _sake _Alex."

Giving me an apologetic look, he opened the car door, jumping out into the light rain. I shook my head at his disappearing figure, then leant back against the headrest and sighed. This was the second thing he had forgotten to pack. You would think he would have a bit of a system by now, considering, but no. Then there had been trying to get him up in time. It was just ridiculous. I was tired, coldy, nervous and had, had just about had enough of his tardiness. The rain fell in soft rivulets down the windscreen and I watched it's silent journey. We were on our way to Wales, to my home. I was overly excited and extremely nervous, although I was careful not to show it, nevertheless I was sure he had picked it up. As Alex had got back from America on the 16th and that weekend, we went straight to see Penny and David, his parents, plus his Grandma and many friends back in Sheffield. It had been a nerve racking experience, but I had enjoyed it immensely. I had been welcomed with open arms and smiles into their small terrace house in High Green. It probably helped that I had talked to them a few times over Skype when Alex had been talking to them. I found it sweet that he kept in touch with them so much. Penny had been joyous and happy, reminding me of my own mother at times in her way of saying exactly what she means, when she wants. There was no time for bullshit with her. David was a whole other kettle of fish. He was mostly quiet, portraying a silent warmth that made you like him straight away, something I think Al had picked up from him. Although he didn't speak much, when he did everybody listened, just like Alex. I also saw where Al got his quiet confidence from. Although they didn't show it much, I saw that they were both immensely proud of their son's success and showed him in small affectionate comments and moments of support.

I was pulled away from these memories, when the car door opened and Alex slumped back into the seat next to me. I glanced at him, drops of silver in his hair, then away, back to my window.

"Rhea?"

"Mmm…?"

"Look at me love."

I slowly turned my head, my eyes hooded in annoyance, "What?"

"I'm sorry." His eyes were earnest, but I also detected a flash of humour in them.

"I know." I gave him a small smile, taking his cold hand in mine, "Now drive."

He raised an eyebrow, "First things first I think." I couldn't help smiling as he kissed me then let me go, turning back to the wheel and switching on the engine. I sneezed and he squeezed my thigh briefly. We were currently in a rental car, something sleek and shiny he had insisted upon getting. I did say to him that it was going to have a hard time on the track to my family's house, but he had shrugged. I gave in, saying that the only condition was that I would get to drive it. Que his surprise at my ability to drive. I had been driving since I was thirteen.

Getting out of London took a while and I watched the streets with a new interest, saying goodbye. It had been decided that I was going to temporarily move with him to LA. We were leaving on the first of June as us circus folk had our summer holiday early as the teachers knew we had to make money somehow. I neglected to tell them I was going to be whiling away the months on beaches in the sunny country, instead of working at festivals in the mud. I would be back by September of course, and back before then in July for the Olympics. It was still undecided as to what would happen when I came back. I had made it clear to him that I did not want to permanently move to LA because England and Wales were the places I loved and lived. Pus to be able to get a visa that said I could live there, I would have to be earning a certain amount of money ,which I sure as hell wasn't going to be doing anytime soon. So we still needed to talk about it, but I was pretty sure we could manage it one way or another.

Quite unceremoniously we burst out of the city and were suddenly on the M4 heading South. My stomach was full of something that was making my hands ball into fists then back out again. Alex flicked a glance at them and briefly took one in his hand, rubbing the agitation out. Now we were out of London, I relaxed and settled into the drive, letting myself daydream to the strains of The Velvet Underground and The Stone Roses as we sped across the country. It was a funny thing driving with Alex. Like most times, I was aware that he was never a hundred percent there, always slightly away with the fairy's, most probably thinking up some new tune or lyrics. If I didn't trust him with my life, I would have been a little bit worried driving with him, such was the amount of times he got lost in his own head. Like now. I had my head to the side, watching his face. He didn't seemed to have noticed, as if he had, he would have looked at me by now. His skin was still glowing from the American sun, making me remember the couple of weeks I had stayed with him over the tour. It had been a blissful respite and an adventure. There was one more date in June and the weeks of having him to myself stretched out ahead of me. Knowing in my heart of hearts that he loved me was making it a whole lot easier to brush over things that before would have made me question his devotion to me. My fingers tapped against my thigh as my eyes took him in. So lucky was I to have him.

"Do you want me to drive soon?" I asked a while later from where I had halfway slid down my seat, feet on the dashboard.

He glanced at me, sunglasses covering his eyes against the sun that pierced through the windows, "Yeah, soon, but not now. 'ow about when we stop for lunch at the next services, then we'll swop?"

I nodded, looking down at my book again, "Sounds good to me, I'm starving."

He laughed, "I'm not surprised."

I shot a small smile his way, before returning to my book, Girl With The Pearl Earring. About an hour passed before he pulled off the motorway and drove round the corner into a services. I looked up from where I had been lost in the book, blinking slightly. Taking my feet off the dashboard, I wiggled my toes, trying to get the blood flow back into them. Alex relaxed against his seat, twisting to look at me as I stretched. I smiled at him happily. We had just crossed the border into Wales and I already felt like I was home again. I hadn't been back to Wales since the weekend before I toured with them for a bit, so just over a month or so. It was going to be hard as this would be the last time I saw this country and my family before we moved to America. I pushed the door open, placing my bare feet on the concrete below me. It had been warmed by the sun, sending a pleasant feeling through my skin.

"Shoes Rhea?" I looked back at him, where he was holding up my leather ankle boots. I considered them for a minute, before taking them out of his hands, "Thanks.

He smiled then let himself out, locking the car behind us. I reached for his hand, which he slipped into mine as we walked across the crowded parking lot towards the sprawling building. He bought our lunch while I went to the loo, then we sat outside on a grimy bench and enjoyed the watery sun. I bit into a particularly crunchy piece of lettuce, chewed and swallowed, "You looking forward to going?"

"Goin' where?"

I looked at him out the corner of my eye. He was smoking again, "America."

"I'm lookin' forward to leavin' like leavin' home for the first time."

I looked at him, then looked away again, "Makes sense."

"Are you?"

I pondered this question for while, coming to the conclusion that I wasn't sure I knew the answer yet. I told him as such, which ended the conversation. He threw away the fag, popped in a piece of gum and stood. I followed his lead, throwing my salad packet in the bin and walked by his side back to the car. It started to rain again as I slid into the drivers seat. He watched with a small smile on his lips as I slipped off my shoes and put my bare feet on the pedals, "You don't like shoes very much do you?"

"I see them more as a hindrance than an asset. There's a lot more you can do with bare feet, a lot more you can sense." I started the engine, looking behind me, and reversed out of the parking space, "Most of the time when I was a kid I didn't wear shoes. It was only when I realised that people thought it was dirty and just plain unhealthy did I start to obey to society's rules." I glanced at him, "Then again, I never have been much for their rules."

Time passed and it wasn't long before I started to see familiar sites. We passed through miner town after miner town, through factory towns near the sea where black smoke and flames burst out of chimneys and terraced houses lined the grey streets. Still we drove further, leaving behind the thick smog and welcoming the rolling hills of my county. Every now and again I would point a place out to him, but was mostly silent, taking in my surroundings. Eventually we came to a T junction which I turned up, past a couple of houses on the corner and up a steep a hill, a bluebell wood running along on our left, fields on our right. I was aware of Alex taking it all in. I slowed down as we neared the crest of the hill, and turned down a track that had a simple sign in Welsh that loosely translated into Swamp Meadows. We bumped down the old track, past a field lined with baby trees, a small caravan sat at the end of the grassy bank. A man stood, leaning up against the side of the caravan, his waist long white hair plaited down his back. I waved to him briefly and he held up a hand in welcome, "That's Chris, he's lived there since I was about eleven and I've known him pretty much since I was born. He's an absolutely brilliant flute player." I told Al, my voice quiet. He nodded as we passed through a gateway, and I turned down another track, the red stone rushed past under our wheels, "If you look over there," I pointed to my left, "You should be able to see some polytunnels, that's Dad's farm." We carried on along the track, down a hill, until we came to a small river, only about seven foot across and passed over it on a small bridge. It regularly flooded, hence the huge holes that had been made by the continuous amount of water flooding over the concrete. I had always been scared it would snap when we drove over it. Finally, passing through a gate, we drove through one last field where cows stared at us and came into view of the house. It was a white farm house, a grape plant climbed up one half it it, while a cottage was attached to the other. The cottage was actually the original house, but when times changed, the people who lived there decided to build a more modern house next to it. The house and it's two rather large gardens were surrounded by a hedge that was in the process of being laid. Next to the house, two large horse boxes sat, smoke curling from the small chimneys. I pulled up into a small two car parking space just beside the gate into the house. Turning off the engine, I sat in silence, crossing my hands over my belly. I snapped my head over to him, to see he was already looking at me, "Ready?"

He took a breath, then let it out, "As ready as I'll ever be."

"First things first though right?" I whispered as I leant into kiss him. I had undone my seatbelt so he was able to pull me across his lap, his hands spread on my lower back. I let myself linger in his touch, then pulled away, "I love you." His face cracked into a grin and he brushed his mouth up against mine again, "An' I love you." He let me go and I slid back into my seat, reaching down so I could pull on my boots.

The evening was warm for April and I breathed in a lung full of country air. The only noise around us was from the far off main road, but even that was so distant you could block it out without even trying. The car door slammed behind me, announcing his exit of the vehicle. Following my lead, we walked down the small slope, through the old iron cow gate and towards the door. It's green pain shone in the evening light and when I touched it, it was still slightly warm from the day's sun. I turned the key in the lock, it was only ever removed when we went away, and pushed the door open. The familiar smell surrounded me and I couldn't help smiling. Memories right? Just as we shut the door behind us and got our bearings in the dim hall, the kitchen door was flung open and Art flew through the doorway, his thirteen year old body knocking the air out of me. "Woah there babe, lets try not to kill me on the first day shall we." He merely grinned and squeezed his thin arms around my waist, before letting me go and turning to Al. Brushing his dusty blond hair away from his eyes, he stuck out his hand, "Art, you must be Alex?" Alex smiled and took his small hand in his equally slender one and shook it, "Yeah, that's me. Nice to you meet you mate."

"Wow, you really do have an accent." Art burst out. I couldn't help laughing and Alex joined in, "Well it's not as strong as it used to be, but I guess it's still there."

The kitchen door swung open again and Mam stood in the doorway, a big smile on her face, "Well hello there."

I grinned at her, and walked forwards to give her a hug. She smelled of the kitchen and my mouth watered at the thought of what she might be cooking, "You alright."

She nodded and let go of me, looking past my body at Al, who was standing slightly awkwardly, "Well Rhea, you certainly weren't lying, you got quite a stunner." She walked forwards to him and embraced Alex in a warm hug, which he returned, "Nice to finally meet you love, it's about fucking time." Alex laughed and nodded, "You could say that." Mam gestured towards the kitchen, "Anyway, come in and meet the rest of them. Don't worry, we won't judge if you can't remember all our names." She chuckled and walked ahead of us into the brightly lit room, followed by Art. I smiled at Alex, my eyes searching slightly. He blinked in reassurance, but took the hand I offered anyway. I watched with a careful eye as he greeted the rest of my family with quick remarks and a steady confidence which they picked up on quickly. Dana nodded at me from across the room in an approving way. I rolled my eyes at her. We had arrived right on time for dinner, and after we popped out to get our luggage, we settled down to one of Mam's specialties. A good old venison roast. Alex soon lost his air of shyness and threw himself quite admirably into the hustle and bustle of my family, although I was acutely aware of his hand searching for mine under the table more times than he would care to admit. As I looked around my childhood home, I felt this really was the last time. It certainly wasn't the last time I would come here, but more that it was the last time I would see it as my home. Before, when I lived with Sally, I saw it that I was only staying in London for a bit and would return home every weekend, now it was so different. Now my home was in the form of the man at my side. His embrace was the wall's that would shelter me from the weather of life, his kiss the love that would feed me and words the land that fed my soul. I had once been told not to put all that I was on one island that was a relationship, and to always keep a bit apart, on my island, so if it didn't work out, I wouldn't go back to nothing. I took this piece of advice to heart, and although it was hard to not give him absolutely everything that I could, I still kept a part of me for myself. A bit of me that would always keep him guessing, a piece that would he would always chase, but never quite catch, because that piece was mine. Nobody had any right to it except me.

The sky darkened, the mood mellowed and we moved into the bottom half of the cottage that had been turned into the lounge. A log fire was the centre of the space, the whole room arranged around the glowing furnace that was the only heating in the whole house. The wood beams above us, were hung with many things. Above the fire, woven god's eyes slowly moved in a dusty dance, their bright colours lighting up the white wall. On an old meathook which we had never removed hung a small blue velvet bag. In it was a charm. I had never seen exactly what was in it, but I knew it was important, for the two times that it had been lost, Mam had not been able to rest until it was found. We weren't exactly a family that believed in all that magic and stuff, but we sure had a healthy respect for the small charms that made life easier. I watched the pouch, it's dark material glowing slightly in the fire light. I was curled up against Al's side on the large sofa, Fey's head in my lap, running my fingers through her dark, dark brown hair. Alex's hand was curled around the back of my neck, fingers twisted in my hair. He was listening intently to the music that flowed from across the room. Tamsin and Robin, with their nine year old son Tan, had come over from their trucks just after dinner and settled down with us. Robin had brought over his guitar, Tamsin her penny whistle and they had set up camp with their music across the room. John hadn't been able to resist it and had got his drum down, Mam got her penny whistle and they proceeded to jam. The acoustic music filled the crowded room, my foot slowly moved to the beat. I smiled at Al's fascination at their movements. I knew he was itching to have a go and join in, but was nervous. He had said to me before that although him and the other guys played so well on the stage, they were never the sort of band that jammed. I looked at Mam as she walked past, a couple of empty glasses in her hands. She caught my eye and ever so slightly jerked her head to the side, towards the kitchen. Gently lifting Fey's head off my lap, I extracted myself from Al's embrace. When I was on my feet, I leant over him and briefly kissed the corner of his mouth, "I'll be back in a minute." I nodded my head towards John, "Go grab John's spare guitar and join in, I know you want to." With that I stood up straight and followed Mam into the kitchen.

A pot of stock from the left over venison and veg bubbled on the cooker, making the room smell deliciously edible. Mam was rinsing the glasses under the tap. I walked over to her and leant up against the side, waiting for her to speak. When she had placed the glasses to dry, she turned to me and gave me her full attention. She spoke in Welsh and said, "So how's it going."

I nodded slowly, my mouth moulding itself around my native language, "Good." I stopped and started again, "Really, really well. It's hard sometimes, we have our differences and sometimes I just want to..." I made a strangling motion with my hands, "And yet, on the whole it's so much easier now he's here."

"Yes, he's seems like a seriously decent guy Rhea." She smiled at me, "It's very lovely watching you to together. One of you moves and the other one does exactly the same. You seem very aware of each other the whole time you're together."

I shrugged, my lips twitching, "It's weird sometimes, it's like I can feel where he is without even having to look, or know how he's feeling or what he wants without asking. Of course at times it can be completely different and I just don't understand what's going on in that head of his..."

She raised her eyebrows at me, "It's quite something that you've found this sort of relationship so young, " She cocked her head to the side, "But then again, you've never been the one for doing things you're supposed to when you're young. Sometimes I wonder if you're the oldest one out of our family."

"Oh, I have my moments, just like everybody else."

She thought for a minute then, "So, I know you've said that you're looking forward to going to LA and all that, but I need to ask you in person. Is this what you want?"

I answered without hesitation this time. After Alex had asked me at the services if I was looking forward to going, I had mulled over the question, "Yeah. I feel it's something that needs to happen. At the end of the day Al is a very private person and that's one of the things I love about him, so I think he needs to escape for a while and hide. As for me, I need change, I need to go and explore again. I've been stuck in London for too long now. I certainly don't want to stay in LA, and I have told Al as much, but this is an adventure I am looking forward to taking." I picked at a mark in the side, " I think that not only do I need a change in scenery, but also I need a change in myself and I think moving away for a while and getting to spend a decent amount of time with Alex is exactly what I need to rebuild a few things."

I saw the sadness cloud Mam's eyes, but she smiled anyway, "I think you're right. When you told me, I had the feeling that this was going to change quite a few things. When you come back you're not going to be the same person anymore, I know that. I've noticed it already, you're growing again, growing and filling yourself up again and it's wonderful and heartbreaking to watch."

I nodded, "Yeah, it's true. We'll all adapt, I'm sure." The sound of the music echoed around me and I smiled in happiness as his voice sailed towards me. Seems he had got over his nervousness after all, "It's like in his quietness I can rebuild myself with his steady support. Sometimes all he has to do is look at me and I feel better, like I know what I need to do." I laughed slightly, "When he came back from the tour, he came back early without telling me and I went back to his flat, as I had been sleeping there the last few nights, making it more homely for his return. Anyway, I came back and was fucking exhausted so I went straight to his bedroom and there he was, just lying in the bed, out for count. Seeing him there, I couldn't move. I hadn't seen him for weeks and suddenly he was there, I thought I was seeing things. It was one of the best moments of my life, the weird thing is, is that I don't even know why. It was just that at that moment I was home, again, after being away, he was back, so I was home. That's when I knew for certain that I would follow him away to LA and probably anywhere." I was slightly embarrassed as this all came out of my mouth. It was all very well thinking it, but to tell it to someone who wasn't Al was slightly weird. I wasn't sure anyone could really understand. It probably just sounded like a load of sappy bullshit to anyone else. Oh well.

Mam was looking at me in a peculiar way, "I understand, in my own way, I know what you're saying." She frowned slightly, "I know with that certain person, sometimes it can burn so bright that it's hard to see past it. The trick is to not lose yourself in it. Don't lose sight of yourself and what _you_ need." Her words struck something in me and I knew I would remember them. The conversation turned to less deep things and I told her about seeing his parents, what my plans were, how the packing was going. After a while of discussing the problems of getting my aerial hoop to America, it had been a nightmare, Mam changed the subject to tomorrow. As this was the last time in a while I was going to be here, a few people were coming over tomorrow night to say goodbye. I had laughed at the idea when she had suggested it, as to be realistic, it wasn't that long I was going to away for, but still she had insisted, "Damon was over yesterday."

My ears perked up at the mention of my ex, "Oh really? How's he doing?"

"He's good actually. Finally stopped smoking so much pot and got a good job now, working in the woods with Mark."

I sighed in relief. I had always worried about how much he smoked, "That's really great. Is he coming tomorrow?" I asked this because not only had we had a brief, disastrous relationship, but our families had known each other for years, so it would make sense for him to come over.

She shook her head, her light grey eyes shining with light, "No. You know as well as I do that it would be hard for him, especially as Alex is here. He still carries a very bright light for you."

I was saddened at the news, although I had suspected it myself. He was still my friend and some part of me missed him, "That's a shame. I'll miss him."

"I sometimes wonder what would have happened between you if you hadn't moved away and weren't still so confused about Jamie." Her voice was soft as she said this and I knew she was being careful not to say anything that would upset me.

I smiled at her, "Me too. Well, I used. Somehow, I don't think it would have worked out though. It only happened really because we got to that point in our friendship where we just couldn't go any further without becoming more than just friends. At the end of the day, we both wanted comfort from someone, but we didn't suit, even if he still thinks we would."

She brushed her wild grey hair behind her ears, "Yes, I suppose you're right." We spoke a few more words, but soon we turned together and walked back into the lounge. The atmosphere had changed. It was quieter, only Robin humming to himself and drumming a slow beat. Tamsin, Dana and Fey were giggling to each other in the corner. I went directly to Al who was slouched on the sofa, eyes closed. I lowered myself next to him, careful not to jolt his body in case he was sleeping. As soon as I sat at his side though, his arm curled around my shoulders, pulling me close, "You alright love?"

"Yeah, just been tal-" I stopped abruptly, realising I was still talking in Welsh. He laughed and I smiled back up at him, "Can't believe I just did that."

He smile had a tinge of sadness to it as he met my eyes, "I love that 'bout you."

"What? That I get languages mixed up?"

"Well, yes it's quite funny. But what I mean is that you sure as hell haven't let go of where you come from, watchin' you here, makes me realise you'll never let go of it easily."

I shook my head, "Never will I ever forget what the people and land here have done for me. I will never be able to repay the debt, so all I can do is keep coming back."

Later that night as we lay in bed together, my childhood bedroom shrouded in the darkness, he turned to look at me. His breathing was soft and whispered against my cheek. My fingers were wound through his, head on his arm. He took a breath and spoke, "I think I'm begginin' to understand you."

"You are?" I answered, my voice hitting his ear quietly.

"Hmm, comin' here, seein' what began you as the person you are now, you're startin' to make a bit more sense."

"Only a bit?"

He lips smiled, "Rhea, you've never made any sense to me until now an' I doubt you ever truly will."

"I'm not sure whether to take that has a compliment or an insult."

His lips searched for mine, dragging across my cheek, "Oh, it's a compliment darlin'," He whispered just before he kissed me. I closed my eyes.

"_Ever since you walked right in the circle's been complete_

_I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street_

_In the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun_

_I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun"_

-Wedding Song-Bob Dylan-

**Hope you enjoy xx**


	26. Something Sunset Coloured

**-Something Sunset Coloured-**

"_If you knew how lonely my life has been_

_And how long I've been so alone_

_And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along_

_And change my life the way you've done"_

-It Feels Like Home-Chantel Kreviazuk-

_3rd of June 2012_

The droplet of water slid off my hair, journeying slowly down the skin of my back, to where it dropped onto the stone beneath me. My eyes were hooded, an almost non-existent breeze fanning around me. I waved my feet gently, making ripples in the swimming pool, the early morning light casting a silver sheen across the water. Ahead of me, the garden ran downwards, stopping at the start of an Oak tree that stood tall, shadowing the grass beneath. Above the branches, a blue sky stretched over the many houses that were just waking to the morning. I breathed deeply of the foreign air and let myself slide under the water once more.

After two nights of goodbye parties we had finally departed for America. Alex and I had arrived in LA yesterday evening, drove straight to our new home and fallen asleep before we could even begin to look around. Although going to sleep had been easy, staying asleep had been nearly impossible. I had woken more times than I would have liked and had finally given up at about six in the morning, rummaging through my bags of clothes, pulling out my bikini and taking my first dip in the swimming pool. That had been about forty five minutes ago. The others had also bought houses close by, but it would be a couple of days before they were all here. It had all happened so startlingly fast that I felt like I was still running to catch up. It was like I was in a dream and would wake up any minute, stumble out of bed, run out into the drizzling weather and try and live my life in the grey streets of London. Here it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Everything here had a slight haze over it, like it wasn't quite real, though under the surface I knew there was many unexpected things. It was a welcome relief and in this moment in time I felt the most free I had in a long time.

The water ahead of me cut in half as my body moved through it, smooth and lithe. As I came up for air, my breath came out in a short gasp and my eyes found Alex standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He had slid back the large glass doors and was leaning against the doorframe, presumably waiting for me to surface. A black t-shirt clung to his chest and rapidly pulled on jeans hung invitingly from his hips. Putting my hands on the edges of the pool, I lifted my body up, water streaming in rivulets off me. My footprints made small puddles at my feet as I walked over towards him. I took my hair in my fist, squeezing out the water. By the time I got to him it was already drying as the air around was rapidly heating up. Joy. Alex held out a towel in his hand which I took without question, "Good morning."

"Mornin' love." I dried my limbs and then ruffled the towel through my hair. He spoke again, "I knew you'd be in there first thing. 'ow long 'ave you been up?"

I threw the material over a chair that leant up against the wall, it would dry in the sun, as would I, "Since six. I couldn't be bothered to try and sleep anymore."

He leant forwards and pulled my against him so my back was to his chest, his fingers pressing gently into my waist, "You should 'ave woke me up."

I smiled at the sky, "What? So that both of us could be yawning all day? No, I think not."

He ran his lips along the slope of my neck and shoulder, making me sigh and relax into him. He didn't say anything and we simply watched the view ahead of us. I took a breath from the air around me, "I can't believe we're actually here."

"I know, it's quite extraordinary. I almost thought it wouldn't 'appen." He hesitated, "You know, if you 'ad been really against comin' 'ere, I wouldn't 'ave moved, I would 'ave stayed with you."

I had been pretty much certain of this the whole way along in the journey of making the decision, but it was a relief for me to hear it anyway. I nodded, clasping my hand over his, "I know, but I think this is what we both need. A place to escape to and hide for a while." My mind flashed back to the start of our relationship, "It's been pretty much non-stop since we got together, or met even." I smiled, twisting so I could look at him, "Do you remember meeting in the pub?"

His face split into a smile, "Of course I do. Thank god for that glass that brought us together eh?. If it 'adn't of smashed, would you still 'ave come over?"

I thought back to that particular night, "Probably one way or another, just so I could get a close look at you. Just so I could make sure that I wasn't dreaming."

He shook his head slightly, "I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like now if you 'adn't."

"Me neither. All I know is that it would be a very lonely place."

I turned fully, chest to chest. He brought his face closer, almost brushing his nose against mine, "You've got that right." My lips tingled as I watched his mouth move. The next words that came out of it almost made me want to cry, "Well, we're not alone now."

Putting my hand to the back of his neck I kissed him and pressed my body hard up against his. He stumbled back into the house, leaning up against a wall for support. Feeling his fingers slide up my back to the clip at the back of my bikini, I laughed against his mouth. My body flooded with feeling in anticipation for what was to come. Still the fire burned strong and bright between us. I had heard of couples that after a few weeks the overwhelming need died down, becoming something that only popped up when it had been a while. You could say it was the opposite for us two. It may have been the fact that we were so often separated, but it seemed over time the hunger had only grown. Like we knew what we both have to give and that made us only more hungry for each other. The rooms were heating up now and I felt the light touch of perspiration on my skin. Breath escaped from me. The taste of him on my tongue. The touch of skin against my fingertips. The smell of his body invited me further away from myself, closer and closer to him. My bikini top dropped to the floor and I was a gonna.

Later we came around sweaty and panting. I gave him one more kiss and sauntered into the shower. The water from the shower was heaven on my healing skin. I was still covered in bruises, burns and scrapes, but they were slowly fading. I fingered a rope burn on the inside of my forearm. In a way, these blemishes on my skin are a trophy and I'm sure any circus performer will tell you the same. They tell you and others that you work hard, that you try over and over to get perfection. When I got my first ever bruise on the backs of my knees I had done nothing but smile for hours after. I stepped out of the shower, dried myself and put on the necessaries, before padding into the bedroom where my bags of clothes littered the floor. Alex lounged on the bed, smoking at the ceiling. Over in the corner, his record player hummed a melody that I didn't know, but appreciated none the less. I bent to look through my bag, picking out the necessary underwear. While I was doing this I happened upon something that I had bought just before we left. Saying goodbye to London had been easier than expected, saying goodbye to the people had been another matter or course, but I realised the night before we were to leave that I had one more thing to do. Go to my favourite shop in the whole world. The little old shop in Camden where I had once bought Al's birthday present. Good thing I did too, because as soon as I had walked in the dark room I saw it. The cheetah print coat. Before I showed it to him, I pulled a snow white cotton slip over my head, as I was going to wear a dress today that was so light, it could be see through if I wasn't careful. When that was on properly, I pulled the coat from the bag with a flourish, slipping my arms through the holes, the bottom of it brushing me mid-thigh. I pulled it close around me, "Hey Al, look what I bought the other day."

He sat up, sitting in a cross legged position. The cigarette smoke blew upwards from his lips. His eyes ran up and down me, lazy desire stilled curled in the dark recesses of them, "That...is an extremely magical lookin' coat." He tilted his head to the side , "Now, there isn't perhaps just a slip underneath it?"

I bit my lip, slowly opening the coat to reveal the slip that rested against my body and did a small twirl, dancing to the music. Alex laughed and I joined in, letting the coat fall to the floor and jumping onto the bed next to him. Flicking his cigarette into an ashtray on the side, he pulled me down with him.

_/\\_/\/\\_

The box was heavy and my body strained to carry it as I walked through the hall from our bedroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Al turned to watch me as I came in, walking past him and dumping the box on the island in the middle of the room, "Somehow this ended up in the bedroom." I had assigned myself to the bedroom, unpacking the many boxes and making it into our space. Alex was sorting out the kitchen as that was the most pressing thing at the moment. There was still another slightly smaller master bedroom, an office at the end of the landing, dining room and then the whole of the open plan kitchen and lounge to do. Basically the lounge and the kitchen was the whole back of the house, it's light coming from the huge windows that lined the walls that looked over the swimming pool and garden. We would leave the extra rooms for now. Somehow a box of plates and bowls had made it's way into the hallway to our bedroom. My eyes scanned the kitchen, taking in what we needed. I knew our top priority was food at the moment, so I would have to do a quick look around for the nearest shops. I was brought away from my planning as I realised Alex had stopped putting the pots and pans away and was gazing at me with a peculiar expression. I raised my eyebrows at him while I rolled my wrists, small clicks and cracks echoing from them.

"Do you 'ave any idea 'ow impressive your body is?" He leant up against the side of the island, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

It took a minute for me to process what he said. I frowned, "Well that's certainly a word and a half to describe it." I ran my hands down to my sides, slightly self consciously. Impressive good? Impressive bad? "Why do you say that?"

He seemed to think for a minute, eye's on me the whole time, "It's like there's no doubt 'bout it that you're a woman. Some women's body's jus' look like little girls an' I don't know if it's jus' 'ow they are or if it's the way they keep it or if even if it's jus' they way they carry themselves." I agreed with him on this and I was pleasantly surprised to hear him voice it, "Now your body is as I said, it's impressive. So lithe an' well designed. I never thought I would be so attracted to someone who's so well muscled. It's like, I know men who 'ave less muscle than you."

I snorted slightly at his words, "You make me sound like I'm some experiment woman designed in a lab or something."

He shook his head, his brows coming together, "No, no I'm not explainin' myself very well. It's like for example Ariel used to complain 'bout 'avin' to be careful that she didn't get too much muscles, 'cause I don't know, it's supposedly not what's done these days. But you Rhea," He took a step towards me and I was surprised at the intensity in his movements, " You're your body. You're every single muscles, every single bruise, cut an' burn. You don't hide from it an' try an' be someone else. You accept it an' in turn you become a woman who is sometimes so overwhelmingly attractive an' jus', well, plain god damn impressive." He finished in a slight rush and took a deep breath, "You're made of outer space baby."

To say the least I was slightly stunned and stood there for a minute not quite knowing what to say. Still he could surprise and fucking hell did I love him for it. My bare feet were cool on the stone tiles beneath me. I was suddenly aware of all my senses, as if he had made me remember my body. The unknown smell of our new home tickled my nose, the noise of unfamiliar sounds reached my ears, the dent of the box was etched into the palm of my hand. I stepped forwards, feet sticking ever so slightly to the floor, "Well that's one way to make this woman want to lock you away forever." I was nearly chest to chest with him now, "If you ever say that sort of thing to anybody else, I know it truly will be the end."

He reached up and cupped the side of my face, "Ah darlin', it's only you who will ever be on the receivin' end of those words. They will only ever be meant for you."

I laughed, scanning my eyes over his face, then back to his eyes, "I wish I had the words to tell you things like that, but every time I try, they never seem right." I hooked my fingers through the loops in his belt, pulling his hips to mine.

He shook his head, "Rhea love, you don't need words to tell me things like that. It's in the things you do that make me know you see those things in me. We all 'ave our strong points an' mine just 'appens to be in words." He through his arms up, bringing the house back into my vision, "I mean fookin' 'ell Rhea, you've moved to bloody America with me. That say's more than you'll ever know."

I grinned at his enthusiasm and excitement bubbled through me. I let a small squeal slip past my lips, "We're in America Alex." I spanaway, jumping around, suddenly feeling extremely light, "We're on America, _America_. We've got a house. We've got our own lives." I laughed outloud and ran back to him, pulling his head towards mine and kissing him with as much love and excitement as I could.

The rest of the day pretty much passed like that. I would be completely immersed in something, then look up, and see where I was or meet Al's eyes and it would all come back again. We were here. And all I could really think was, finally, all I could really feel was relief. The skies above our new home became hazy and dreamy as the sun passed over it in it's endless arch of light. It watched as the rooms that had once been bare and empty, became us. Became Alex and I. Our touch was rapidly spreading everywhere. Our colours, sounds and memories building up the walls. I was sure I had a smile on my lips through the whole day. We only stopped to eat, but eventually my energetic doings slowed down and I found myself in our bedroom, sitting on a box and staring out of the big windows that looked over the garden. I had just finished putting up the curtains and they moved gently in the breeze from the open windows. I played with the hem of my light blue dress, my knuckles brushing up against my bare legs. There was a creak from the floorboards behind me as he trod towards where I sat. His hands pushed past my hair and clasped my shoulders in their steady grip. He stayed like that and watched with me before speaking, "You wanna go to the beach an' get summet to drink? Give the old motorbike a spin?"

A smile crept onto my face. Alex had recently purchased a rather fancy bike which he had been itching to take for a ride even since. He said he had been waiting to move here to drive it. God know's why. All I knew was that I too had been looking forward to having a go on the machine. I tipped my head back to look at him, "Do you even have to ask?" Although tiredness was making my eyes itch, I knew that as soon as I got out of the house and went and did something that didn't consist of moving boxes around, then I would wake up.

He nodded, a gleam in his eye, "That's my girl."

I grabbed onto his hands on my shoulders before he went to move away, "Comes at a price though." He sniggered and leant down to kiss me, his chin brushing my nose. Upside down kisses, way to go.

I ran into the bedroom to get a jacket and shoes on, while Alex did the same downstairs. Bounding down the steps, I almost smacked into him as he was sitting on the bottom step, doing the laces of his boots up. Bending my legs, I leapt over his him, the tips of my toes just brushing the hair on his head. He jumped as I landed in front of him and I laughed at his surprised face. It didn't last long though and we were out of the door and on that bike before I knew it. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I put my head to his back, the helmet tight around my head. The engine growled to life and Al lifted his legs off the ground, driving out of the gate and onto the road. The wind was warm against me and the skirt of my dress billowed around my legs, but I had rather skillfully tucked it under my body so nothing was showing that shouldn't be. The drive probably took longer than it should've because I was aware Alex taking his time, plus the traffic was rather bad, but I didn't mind. Seeing the cars, houses and people flash by was like a dream. I felt completely safe. My hands had crept beneath Al's leather jacket and were touching his stomach, fingers hooked around his belt. Every now and again when we stopped for the traffic, he would reach down and stroke my hands before setting off again. Eventually we came to the seashore, people milled around as we drove along the road. I became aware that I wasn't actually sure what day it was, I knew it was the weekend but my mind just refused to work out which day. While I was puzzling over this, we pulled up next to a row of other motorbikes, and Alex kicked the support thingy down. I had never bothered to learn the appropriate names. Sliding off the bike, I pulled my helmet up and away from my head, my hair tumbling down over my shoulder. I shook it out, while eyeing my surroundings. I had no idea where I was, but it was near the sea, there was bar's aplenty and the sky looked beautiful. What more could I want right now? In answer Al grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the path that ran along the side of the sand. I moved closer to him as a girl on roller scates sped past. Breathing in deep, I walked with a bounce in my step. I had been right, getting out was exactly what I needed.

"You seem happy?"

I bit my lip and looked across at him, his shades reflecting my face back at me, "And that my dear, is because I am very happy."

He grinned and lightly kissed my nose, "As it 'appens, I am too."

"Well then, we're well suited for each other aren't we."

His look turned soft, "You could say that." I smiled a small smile at him. He squeezed my hand and pulled me towards a gently lit bar that was almost in the beach, "'ow 'about this one."

I nodded, "Looks good to me."

We weaved our way around the people, until we found a small table on the deck that looked over towards the sea. I sat on one of the stools, hooking my feet around the wooden legs of it. "What d'you want then?"

I met his eyes, "Don't suppose they have dandelion and burdock here…"

He shook his head and laughed, "I doubt it love."

"Well, I don't mind, just something with ice please."

He nodded, "Alright, be back in a sec." I watched as he walked towards the other side of the deck and into the small building. I turned my attention out towards the view again. It wasn't as busy as the paths around it, but here and there people walked, sometimes alone, sometimes in the company of others. I leant on my elbows and propped my chin on my hand, the table hard against my skin. The sun was casting a golden shadow over everything in front of me, splitting through the cloudless sky. The first thing Jade had said to me when I explained that I was moving away was that I better fucking appreciate the beauty. She had been itching to get out here for years and was going to kill me if I got back without seeing it all. This brought me to thinking of Joshua Tree in the desert. Matt had told me that it was a must that they record something there and that I see it. To be honest I was looking forward to it a lot and was planning on taking so many pictures. Ah, pictures, why didn't I bring my camera? I needed to take a few pictures of the house as poe-, "Excuse me."

I jerked my head up and my eye found a man standing in front of me. Well maybe not a man, he was probably closer to boyhood than anything else. I blinked, "You alright."

"Oh my god, you're English."

I laughed, "Welsh actually, but the accent isn't really there anymore."

He grinned and slid into Al's seat. I started to feel a little uneasy, but kept a patient smile on my face, "No, no. Actually your accent does have a weird kinda lilt to it, that must be the Welsh."

"That's nice to hear." I replied, eyeing him. He was one of those typical over muscled tanned boys, with floppy dusty hair and dark eyes that stared at me. I decided I didn't like him. The way he watched me made me feel like a piece of meat.

"So, want a drink?"

I shook my head, trying not to roll my eyes, "No thanks, someones just getting me one now."

He was the one who rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, that's what you all say. C'mon just let me get you one."

I flicked my eyes away and they caught sight of a group of guys, watching us and whispering together. Jesus fucking christ, please tell me this wasn't a bet or something of that sort. I turned back to him, "Seriously dude, I'm telling the truth. You're not getting anything from me."

As he was about to answer with what was probably going to be more bullshit, I spied Al walking our way, two glasses in his hands. "Oh, c'mon one drink. I gotta impress the guys and you're a sexy ass lady." He grinned as if he'd said something that might change my judgment of him.

I shook my head at him, sitting up straight, "Look, I am not going to be some fucking thing that boosts your bloody ego."

It was at this point that Alex reached us. I looked up at him, telling him with a look how irritated I was. He scowled, setting the drinks down on the table and stood at my side, "What's goin' on 'ere?"

The boy across from us took Al in with a glance, his protective stance next to me and stood up, "Just keeping the lady company, she looked thirsty."

I snorted and glared at him, feeling Al's hand clasp around my shoulder. His next words made me smile, "Look mate, she's my girlfriend, so just do us all a favour an' piss off will you."

The boy put up his hands, "Alright, jeez, I'm going…"

He turned and left, rejoining his group of idiots where they gathered around him. They all took a last look at us and I seized the chance to hold my middle finger up at them, then dismissed them from my vision.

"Fookin' wankers." Alex muttered as he sat opposite me. I laughed and he couldn't help smiling with me, "I leave you alone for like five bloody minutes an' you're already gettin' picked up." He shook his head, "I would say that I will 'ave to keep a better eye on you, but I'm pretty confident you can 'andle it. An' I'm absolutely sure you're not 'bout to run off with someone else."

I nodded, "You can be completely certain about both of those. Why anybody would even look at those little boys I will never know."

He smirked, "Well after you've 'ad some of this, you'll never look anywhere else." He put his fists on his hips and puffed his chest out. I giggled and raised my eyebrows" Indeed my love, indeed." A smirk still on his mouth, he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and put one against his lips. I watched as the flame of his lighter tried to lick and lite the thing, but the wind was insistent in it's blowing. Smiling I reached over and cupped my hands around it, shielding the small orange flame. It caught and Alex breathed in, the smoke warming my fingertips as he blew out against them.

The evening carried on with relaxed conversation and long silences where neither of us had anything to say. And that was ok. To be in each others company was enough for us both. I slipped off my shoes and rested my feet on top of Al's. Before we left he had showed me a song he had been working on, he wasn't sure of the title yet, but it would along the lines of Fuse or Fireside. It was an extremely beautiful one. As he had played it me I had felt an overwhelming love for music, for the feelings it built up in me. For the belonging it gave him. To see him getting back into writing and playing was going to be a joy for us both I think. Now I thought about it, we were both extremely lucky. To find something that lit up our souls so young, well it seemed that many people these days spent their whole lives searching for what they are meant to do. I mean, it probably changes as you age and grow, but I doubt it differs very far from that first thing that chose you as it's artist. Through each person flows what they're meant to do, they are the gateways to those talents and it's such an awful shame that most of our lives we are steered away from what we need to do. I was lucky in that performing opened a wide range of possibilities, like for example, I got an email last night. The photographer who had took my pictures for Oh Comely magazine contacted me and said that she wanted to use the many extra photo's for a gallery show she was planning on doing. I was shocked and pleasantly pleased at this news. I said it was fine, I was completely happy for her to do it. She even said that she would pay me a good amount of money for them out of what they sold for. I had said to her that she didn't need to pay me, all I had really done was prance around, she was the one who'd done the pictures. She'd insisted and who I was I to refuse really? As I told Alex this his eyes took on a soft light that seemed to see more than who I was sitting before him. He never really said much when I told him about these things, but I knew that he shared my excitement and happiness. I liked that he did this. He didn't gush or ask loads of questions about it, he was just silently happy for me. Sometimes his silences said more in these moments than words ever could.

By the time we headed back the sky was dark, but for the glow that floated over LA. I clung onto his back in a daze as we sped home, the streets dramatically emptier than before. When we reached the house, all was silent and still. The only sound was a warm wind blowing through the few Palm trees that towered over us. When we shut the door behind us, I shook off my shoes and they hit the wall of the hall with a loud smack. I glanced at Al and we burst into laughter. It died away and he moved forwards, wrapping me up in his arms. I snuggled my head into his neck, my eyelids heavy. He brushed his mouth up against my forehead and I felt him take deep breath. My hands slid down and spread, palms flat against the skin of his back. Through them I could the feel the vibration of his body. Alive. His presence followed me upstairs and I was aware of it the whole time as I prepared for bed. His reflection in the bathroom mirror, the smell of his skin released as he undressed, eyes searing into my body. Our room was dimly lit by one small lamp on a discarded box. I pulled my dress off, letting it fall away to the floor. Stepping out of it, I reached under my slip for my bra and undid the strap, unhooking it from my shoulders and putting it on top of the dress. I hummed to myself as I stripped back the duvet off the bed and settled down on the mattress, lying on my side and staring at the wall. Nothing adorned it yet except the blooming of shadows. There was a click as Al turned the bathroom light off and appeared behind me. The mattress gave and his body aligned with mine. His breath appeared on my neck and I felt his teeth bite gently down on my shoulder. I smiled and reached behind me for his hand, pulling his arm around my waist. The soft feeling of cotton slipped against my skin, his hand wrinkling it up in his fist. He found the edge of it and slid his fingers beneath, soft against my thigh, seeking. A sigh escaped my lips.

"_Since you're such a stunner, _

_Send us something sunset coloured_

_Lets make love to one another_

_Run for cover"_

-Vertigo-Mini Mansions-

**Can you spot the Arabella lyrics? Hope you've enjoyed it! Sav x**


	27. Kiss Me Under Electric Stars

**-Kiss Me Under Electric Stars-**

"_And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young._

_It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run._

_We're searching for meaning..._

_But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?"_

-Lost Stars-Keira Knightley-

_7th of July 2012_

The Oak tree had a comforting smell. With my face pressed up against the mossy trunk, I swung my legs and inhaled the scent. The sun was like a warm blanket on my body, the bark etching it's pattern against my skin. I listened to the wind as it sailed through the heavy green leaves and the sound of conversation below me. I was hiding. To be honest I wasn't trying very hard though. Maybe it was because I wanted to be found. If anyone tried hard enough they would spot me in the branches of the Oak tree at the bottom of our garden. Which was probably why I could see Jamie walking at a steady and purposeful pace towards me, two beers in his hands. Above him, up the slope of the garden people mingled, not too many, but enough to make me want to get away. It was Nick's birthday party. It had been decided a few days ago that Alex had the best barbecue and that meant the small gathering was to be held at our house. There was no reason for me to object back then and even now I was happy they were here. I was also having one of my days where everything felt a bit shit. Of course I didn't want anyone to see this, lest I ruin Nick's birthday, hence my choice in taking refuge up the tree. I liked the tree very much. It had become a prominent thing in my life here now. So far we'd been here for just over a month and things were really great. Of course it was a little hard getting used to everything, the new social etiquettes and all that. Plus being under age really, really sucked. Three times now I stayed back here, while Al went out with his mates and went to a club or something. I honestly didn't mind him going, in fact I was glad he did sometimes, we all needed space, but it would have been better if I could at least go out with my friends sometimes. Our time was spent mostly between our home and the studio, and this Al and I did together. We needed space sometimes. Then again, I was always extremely happy when we met afterwards. Even if he was so drunk he couldn't stand up properly.

Jamie was now directly below me and I looked between my legs to where he was looking up at me, "You gonna come down?" I shook my head and I saw him sigh, before putting down the bottles against the roots and grabbing onto one of the branches near his chest. With a gruff noise he pulled himself up and continued to climb up to my perch, moss and twigs falling down under him. I couldn't help smiling. When he had settled himself as comfortably as was possible on a branch opposite me, he stayed silent for a while before taking a breath and turning to me, "You alright?"

I shrugged, looking away from his eyes, "I'm alright."

"Just one of those days?"

I nodded, feeling slightly guilty. Why did I have to get them, today of all days, "I just needed some space." I looked up and added, "But I'm glad you're here."

He smiled, running his hand through his short hair, "Well I thought you looked a bit lonely."

"Thanks."

"An' thank you for sortin' this out for Nick, I know he appreciates it."

I dismissed his praise with a flick off my hand, "I didn't do much Jamie, don't exaggerate."

He shook his head, "Rhea, you got all the drinks an' cooked all the other food for the evenin' meal. The only thing we're doing is eatin' an' drinkin', plus making a few burgers an' stuff."

"Fine, but it wasn't just me who cooked. Al did a fair bit, he's pretty handy in the kitchen." As I mentioned his name, my eyes flicked back to the group of people, searching for him.

"Yeah, talkin' 'bout Al, you two alright?" Jamie's voice was corcious and soft.

I turned back to him, a leaf had landed in his hair. I reached over and pushed it off, "Yeah, yeah, we're good, just like you said, it's just one of those days." I cast my eyes to the ground far below us, "You know how he is, he gets quite caught up in things, they take over his attention until you wonder what's left for you. I got a bit irritated with him this morning and we haven't really made up yet."

Jamie laughed dryly, "Yeah, I know that Al alright, he's given us quite a bit of trouble in the past. I mean it's great when he get's really into summet, loads of ideas an' all that, but he can get a bit consumed with it sometimes. " He looked at me kindly, "The best thing is to jus' point it out to him an' he'll come around."

I raised my eyebrows, "Hmm, maybe. I just feel bad and like I'm being needy. Silly of me really, but I can't help it."

"No Rhea, he needs to equal it out, it's not ok for him to jus' abandon you, or anyone, when he finds a new tune or song or whatever it is this time."

I smiled, "I think it's those songs, the One For The Road one and Fireside."

Jamie nodded, "Yup, he's quite into them." He reached across and patted my knee, "Don't you worry, it'll be alright."

I was feeling less bad about it now, "Thank you. It's a relief to know that someone else know's what I'm talking about. I felt like it was only me."

He shook his head, "It's alright." He sat up straighter, "Now 'ow 'bout we stop bein' antisocial an' drink those beers. They're lookin' rather lonely down there."

I laughed, feeling much lighter than before, "Only you would say that a beer looks lonely."

He rolled his eyes, seeming happier now I was laughing, "Yeah, yeah. C'mon, let's go."

I followed his lead down the tree and swung down from a high branch, landing in a crouch next to him. "Show off." He pronounced before handing me the cool, sweating bottle. As we turned to walk up, I let my hand dance along the hoop that floated from one of the branches above me. I'd put it there a few days after I arrived and had tried to have at least an hours session on it each day. So far, so good. Putting his arm around my shoulders, Jamie and I slowly made our way back to the real world. There were mostly people I knew like Zack, Ian their manager, Cal and Stan, Katie, Brea and even Kelly and Miles were here. There was also some new faces which had been a pleasant surprise. I dived into the conversations and moved around the people, laughing and eating, letting myself be drawn into the party. Well not completely. I was ever aware of Al's where abouts, may it be in the house or only a few metres from me, I knew where he was. Katie also asked me if I was alright and I gave her an abbreviated version of the events. She gave me a hug, giving me much the same advice as Jamie which I received with gratitude. While I was taking a small break from talking and sitting with my bare feet in the soft water of the pool, Miles sat down next to me, "Hey." I whispered.

He met my eyes, "Hey." He whispered back, "What you doin'"

"Sitting with my feet in my swimming pool. That alright with you?" I answered, a smile creasing my cheeks.

He laughed, "As long as you cleaned your feet first."

"I didn't."

"Good thing it's not my pool then innit?"

I nudged him with my shoulder, "Yup."

He took my hand in his and sighed, "Ah Rhea, ain't it jus' fookin' glorious 'ere."

I nodded, "Yes, it most certainly is my dear Miles. All the better for you being here though."

He fluttered his hand, as if he was getting too hot, "Oh wow, a compliment from the great Rhea herself."

I giggled, placing my head on his shoulder, "Now you're just being over dramatic."

"Oh no love, I was bein' completely serious." His voice lost the playful edge to it, "You're quite the celebrity with my loved ones at the moment." He glanced at me, "And with me as well of course."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that every person I've talked to 'ere has brought you up somewhere in their conversation an' nobody more than our very own Alex."

My eyes followed a ripple I made with my toe, "Hmm...that's nice."

" You know, I remember when he first told me 'bout you. The girl who abandoned him on the train platform, the girl who he literally jus' slept with, the girl who made his head spin, the girl who he wanted so very bad to know."

I jerked my head up at this, "Really? He's never said anything about all the way back then."

He nodded, smiling at me softly, "Well he certainly talked 'bout it enough for me to feel a little jealousy."

I rubbed my cheek against his shoulder, "Aw, that's sweet. I must admit I was jealous of you the first time I met you in Paris. Then I realised how much you meant to Al and how much it benefited him you being around and how happy you made him. It made me glad you were there, just so you could make him smile when I couldn't or wasn't there."

Miles nodded, "Exactly. You've explained it perfectly. Nothin' has made me as 'appy for a long time as when I realised 'ow much he loved you, 'ow happy he was about it."

I bit my lip, "I never told anyone about him when I first met him. I think it was mainly because I wasn't sure if I wanted to make him real. Because if he was real he could leave and that would be painful, so at first that's the reason why I was the one who left him. Plus after I knew he was here for sure, I didn't want anyone to know, because I wanted to hide him away so he was just mine. I was selfish over him, then he showed me he loved me and I learnt to share."

"Yes, it's quite easy to be selfish over him." His voice was low.

We fell silent and watched birds flit across the late afternoon sky. I was warm next him and content. "You sow." Miles stated after while.

"I do."

"What an' why?"

I blinked, clearing my mind of what had fallen over it in the silence, "Well, I sow costumes if I have to and occasionally a piece of clothing if I have time." He waited, "And I sow when I can't sleep."

"Al said he's been wakin' to the sound of you hummin' an' sowin' in the middle of the night."

I nodded against his shoulder, "Yes...I've been sowing quite a lot recently." My feet were getting cold in the water and I pulled them out, tucking them up against me. Miles wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "I've been sowing his words. It may be something that's he's said in passing or maybe a lyric and even a memory. I've got quite a stash now."

"Hmm...that's quite summet. You'll have to show me at some point." He answered quietly.

I frowned slightly, "Why do you ask?"

He shrugged, making my head jolt, "Just wonderin' really. You've never seemed like someone who would sow to me. It's too...normal I suppose. You're very modern Rhea, very independent and self assured. Sowing I guess is summet I see someone doing for someone else, you do it for yourself."

I laughed slightly, "If you say so."

He laughed with me, rubbing my upper shoulder. It still surprised me sometimes how quickly we had connected. It was like we had gone from being slightly envious and suspicious of each other, to just knowing who each other were. It was like one of those songs that you hear and you don't like it at all. But it intrigues you. You wonder why everyone else is over the moon about it so you start to listen to it again and slowly it grows on you until you can't imagine life without it, until it becomes one of your favourite songs. At least that's how I saw Miles and I.

Time passed, the sky dimming, people mellowing and I disengaged myself from the group to take refuge in the kitchen, readying the food that Al and I had prepared earlier today. My hands busied themselves with putting stuff into bowls and warming the rest up. I could hear the laughter of people outside and the hum of music. I couldn't help smiling. Ah, this was what I wanted really. A family to love me and take care of me. Out there were people I would die for. One of them had my heart in the palm of his hand and I felt safe knowing it was in his keeping. The familiar sounds of Champagne Supernova reached my ears and I loudly sang along as I made a salad in a big glass bowl. As I reached for a knife to cut up some cherry tomatoes, my skin prickled. Sure enough a hand came and slid down my neck, slipping all the way down to my hand and winding it's fingers through mine. My lips twitched slightly and I leant back against him, but only long enough to make sure it really was him.

"Hey." He whispered, lips close to my ear.

I breathed in, "Hi."

"I've been lookin' for you."

I chopped one of the red fruits in half, "Well you haven't been looking very hard."

"You still pissed at me?"

I glanced at him, "When am I never just a little pissed at you about something."

I heard he smile, "Probably never. Good thing you love me then innit." He said, putting his hands on my hips. "Yeah…" I couldn't resist him any longer and let myself fall back against him. Knowing he'd got me, he turned my body to face him and kissed me. It was the first kiss of the day between is and it was nearing late evening now. I had been up early, we'd fought as soon as he woke up. Great start to the day right. I moved my lips against his and opened my mouth to his insistence and my need. His hands reached up and slipped under my shirt, pulling my hips closer to his.

"Hmm…" The sound passed into his mouth and I smiled, "Why hello there."

He pulled away, but only to rest his forehead against mine, "I have sorely missed your kisses today."

"Really? I thought you'd forgotten about them recently." My lips shut and pursed slightly. Just because I had kissed him didn't mean all was ok.

He sighed, "Ah Rhea, never will I forget about them. They're what get's me up in the mornin'"

I raised an eyebrow, "Well if that's true, you should still be in bed at the moment."

He seemed to sense that he wasn't getting anywhere with this, but gave it one more shot anyway, "I 'ave. Well maybe I 'aven't literally been in bed all day, but I sure as 'ell 'ave been asleep all day. Let's rephrase it then. You're kisses wake me up."

I rolled my eyes and turned away, "Whatever."

He ran his hand through his hair, the locks falling over his fingers, "Jesus, nobody can hold a grudge like you. I came in 'ere 'cause it's true I've been feelin' shit all day 'cause of what 'appened this mornin'." He looked at me and I met his eyes, challenging him with a look. His mouth was set in an unhappy line, "Jamie came up to me jus' now an' said I needed to sort my shit out with you, so 'ere I am."

"You came because someone else told you to." I stated.

He looked up at the ceiling, a frown etched in his brow, "No..yes, but that's not the point. I thought you'd jus' be pissed with me if I came near you." I turned away, "But then again I should know better really. When you 'ide, all you really want is attention an' I should 'ave seen that." I swallowed. He was right, of course sometimes I really needed space, but yes, most of the time it was a call for attention. "Rhea, I'm 'ere to say sorry ok. I know I've been a well shit boyfriend recently. I feel really fookin' shit 'bout it."

I turned to him and shook my head, "No, you haven't been really crap, not really." I touched his bare arm, "It's both of us. And I know you're sorry, I just needed to hear you say it." He took my hand in his. I looked down at it, "I suppose I just get a little freaked out here. I mean, I don't really know anyone yet and when you get all consumed by something and don't seem to have time for me, I just get afraid and feel very much alone."

He sighed, bringing my knuckles up to his mouth, "I know love, really I do. It's just these songs, all these idea's get all mixed up in me, they start to blind me to other things." He looked up at me, "In this case, it was you."

"Well, now you've said it, it should be easier for you to spot it." I touched his cheek, "And Alex, I know sometimes you do need to get completely immersed in it. I realise that's what it takes sometimes."

He smiled, "Of course you do." He slipped his hands into the back pockets of my shorts, "I'm so lucky. Many wouldn't see it."

I smiled and shrugged, "Well, I do try."

He laughed and leant forwards, whispering just before he kissed me, "You always do."

I closed my eyes and immersed myself in him, only pulling away when there was a voice from the doorway, "Rhea, you need some he-" I stopped kissing him and looked towards where Brea was standing. She smiled, "Sorry, I will just be going." She turned to go, but I called after her, "Oh no you don't missy. You come here and help me."

She span back around and danced back into the room, "Alright then." Al let go of me and stood back. Brea took it all in, "I'm glad you two seem to have made up, it's rather unpleasant when you two are at odds with each other."

I raised my eyebrows, "Oh really, I thought we were hiding it pretty well."

She snorted, "Rhea my darling, this is the first time I've walked in on you today or even seen you touch. If all was ok, I would have found you two like this more times than I care to admit."

I laughed and Al chuckled next to me, "You're probably right."

"Of course I am. Now, what do you need?"

I turned around, "Well just setting stuff out, the icing for the cake and all that shit." I looked at Al, "Babe, can you get all the plates and stuff out, set it all up in the dining room?"

"Yes, Ma'am." He saluted me and I rolled my eyes. Brea came and stood next to me, finishing off the last of the leaves for the salad, while I started on the icing for Nick's birthday cake. Mam had given me three cooking books when I left saying that nothing makes a good home, like having a decent cook in it. Having lived with her for most of my life, I agreed completely. My favourite one had been the huge cake book, that was just filled with every cake imaginable. Al had complained that he was going to be completely over weight by the time we went back, because I was baking so much. This only made me force him to join me in my morning workout sessions, swims, and stretches. I had to keep my fitness up anyway, I was not going back to Circus Space with all my fitness gone. He eventually started doing them with me after days of me asking, but refused point blank to do any stretching. He said, with a suspicious look in his eye, that what I was asking him to do was unnatural. I had simply shook my head and fell into my box splits.

Brea and I chatted while we cooked and the time passed quickly. Soon we were all settling down, crowded around the table and eating what we had prepared. A good old British roast dinner. Many glasses were raised to my choice of food and I simply said it was everyone else as well. When it was time for the cake, all us girls ran out and hastily put the candles in, giggling as we tried, and nearly failed, to light them all. With us all carrying the monstrosity, we walked into the dining room, where the lights had been turned down, our voices raised in song. We set the bright cake down in front of a grinning Nick and stepped back. The faces around the table glowed in the light and I looked at them all with a heart that was filled to the brim. It was one of those moments where you have to question the existence of all you know, because it seems so perfect. As we finished the song and Nick prepared to blow out his candles, I looked up at Alex. He was smiling at everyone and as he met my eyes, it became bigger. As the candles were darkened, I wasn't sure, but I thought maybe I had seen the smile fall from his face, his eyes looking to the floor. Probably just my eyes and the light playing tricks on me. Wine and cake flowed. We relocated to outdoors and the drinks became more experimental and stronger. It came to the point where I had to tell myself three times to stand up and go to the toilet. As I stood the world span and a giggle escaped my lips. Noises seemed overly loud and my eyes struggled to focas as I tripped over something. A hand grabbed my wrist to steady me and I carried on. It was only when I had struggled halfway up the stairs that I remembered the toilet downstairs. I stood waiting for my mind to make a decision. Up or down? My body decided and I carried on up stairs, my feet weighing a tonne each. I flew around the bannister, or at least I felt like I did, and walked the small distance to the bathroom door. There was a struggle to undo the button on my shorts, but I finally sighed with relief as all was released. When I was done, I tried washing my hands, but ended up dropping the soap and splashing water everywhere. There was a window that looked out over our neighbor's house and now I stared out of it. Searching for the moon. I finally found it, half hidden by the corner of the window. There were no stars. When would I see a star again? Maybe when I went to Joshua Tree. There was no city there. Just space. Space to run. Space to look up and see them above me. Maybe Alex would look at them too. He would hold my hand and kiss me under their gaze. I had to tell him. Now. I stumbled out of the room, the door making a sound as it hit the wall when I pushed it out of the way. Slipping on the bottom step of the stairs, I grabbed onto the banister, steadying my world, "Alex." His name pushed past my open lips. He didn't appear. Maybe if I said it louder, "_Al-ex." _I rested my head on the wood before me, before slipping down onto the step, "_Alex, you dick, come here_." I blinked and shook my head trying to rid it of the buzzing inside my brain. I suddenly wished I hadn't drunk so much. I wanted a clear mind.

"Rhea…" A slurred version of my name was said from behind me. "Rhea...where are ya?"

"Here." I whispered.

There was a sort of bang, "Fook," and then he was in front of me. Eyes taken over by the shining of whiskey. Could he see me through it? I patted the step next to me. He fell into it, half landing on me, "Ouch."

He grunted, "Sorreh love."

His accent was more pronounced by drink and I smile at it, "Alex." I started, struggling now to find the words. What was it I wanted to say? Stars. Right, "Al….loving can hurt sometimes…" I stopped. Was that what I wanted to say? "...but Al, it's the only thing, I, I really know." I turned my head, to see he was trying his best to focus on me by the way he was leaning forwards, his eyes flicking around my face. I opened my mouth, "And when it gets hard, 'cause y'know it can get hard sometimes, but, but it's the only thing that like, makes us feel alive."

He frowned, " Why ya sayin' this?"

I widened my eyes. Ah, fucking drink, messing my mouth up, "'Cause loving can heal, you, your love healed me." A laughed surprised me by bursting from my mouth. What was I even trying to say? "An', I just, just think..er, stars can do that too." There, finally. Stars.

He put his chin on my shoulder, his breath smelling of smoke and his favourite Bourbon. My eyes slid over his face. His eyes were very dark. "Stars?" Eyes puzzled and wondering over me.

I nodded, poking his chin with my finger, "Yeah, stars. They make me feel better. Just like love, your love. Sometimes I don't feel very well Alex." I swallowed, suddenly realising what I was trying to say. My eyelids clapped over my eyes, then back up again, "I wake up in the night. You asleep. I have horr'ble rem'berings of him. Sometimes it scares me a lot." I pointed up at the black ceiling, "Just like your love, stars make me feel better." I shook my head, "No stars here Al, no stars to kiss me under. No stars to make me feel better. I need stars. I need stars and you under the stars. With me."

His eyes narrowed, "We'll find stars for ya Rhea. Then I'll kiss you under them, I promise."

I nodded, "That's why we have to go away to Josh tree, " I closed my eyes, "I mean Joshua Tree." I looked at him hard, "There'll be stars there."

He didn't speak, but turned away from me, I could see he was struggling to keep his mind on the right track. Fuck drink. "I'm sorreh, Rhea…" His head swayed from side to side, "I'm sorreh, 'cause I've been so shit to you. Past weeks, so bad, so sorreh love."

I searched for his hand, "S'alright Al. We're all a bit shit sometimes. Otherwise we wouldn't be human would we?" I touched his face. Well I meant to, but ended up kind of pushing it away, "And anyway, you've been good to me. There isn't only the bad. You kissed me and said sorry. I forgive you now."

He shook his head, putting it in his hands, muffling his voice, "You're too good for me, too good. Too lovely, an' carin' and lovin' and all that. Why me?"

This time I managed to touch him gently, "'Cause you're too good for me. We don't make sense and maybe that's why it works."

He sighed, rubbing my hand with his fingers. Suddenly he lurched up to standing, holding onto the stair railings for support. I frowned up at him, surprised and unfocused by his sudden movement, "What'ya doing?"

He thrust out his hand, "C'mon, come with me. I gotta tell you I love ya, gotta sing it to you."

I reached up and slid my hand into his. Complete trust. We made our unsteady way into the lounge area and towards the CD player. I watched as he fumbled around with the many disks there, muttering choice swear words every now and again. I held myself up by the side of the sofa and watched his body move. Finally he made a shout of triumph and there was a whirring as the CD was eaten by the player. There was a moment of silence as Al turned and stared at me. Then guitar burst forth, loud and demanding. My breath caught. His mouth moved around the words he'd wrote, _"Darlin' tell me something I don't know, be my baby, be my GTO_…" Closer and closer he stepped. I reached out my hands for him. He took them and pulled me close, "_Didn't see you sneak in but I'm glad you stopped…_" Our feet moved away from the obstacles around us. His voice in my ear, lips brushing against my skin "._.kisses to fill me with electricity_…" Breath pulled away from my lungs. The world started to spin. Feet stumbling around. Wild eyes meeting mine, "..._be my midnight, be my ebb and flow_…" Hands, moist and around mine, pulling me faster and faster, ".._.it takes over_…" We span. World turned into blurred nothing. The sound pulled at me, "..._separated, there I face it._." Faster and faster. Harder and harder. Spinning away. Losing myself, "..._love like falling snow…_" Love. Hold me. Time slowed. The noise becoming a backdrop to his eyes, to his voice. Growling, needing. There was a sudden discomfort as the backs of my legs hit something. Glass smashing, spreading over the floor in tiny drops of flashes, ".._.fill me with electricity_…" I panted against his mouth. Sitting on the table, I grabbed onto whatever part of him I could. So much feeling. So much want, need, pain. I needed to disappear. Alex, take me away. Steal me away. Hands pulled my hair away from my scalp. Need. They pushed away my clothing. Lust. Fingers found the sweet spot. Desire. His voice, my moans. The song repeated, "_...love like thunder…_" I couldn't think. Only the feel of him next to me, on me, in me. Want me. Need me. Words jumbled around my mind, "._..love like locked horns, love like dominos…_" I was hot, cold, high, low. Nothing without him and he knew it.

Maybe it was the fact that we'd had too much to drink or maybe it was fear of something that was only beginning. All I knew was that by the morning it was all a loud blur. My head throbbed with mismatched memories, drink and thirst. Opening my eyes was a matter of will more than strength but I finally did it. There was a red stain on my pillow. I lifted my hand to trace it and saw the cut marking the skin there. What the fuck? I sat up fast, but nearly cried out in pain as the light from the window pierced my skull with it's glare. The room was but a white blur of pain before it started to focus before me. Spilled glass of red wine on the floor next to my side of the bed. Clothes spread across the floor. I lifted up my hand again. There was indeed a cut going from the bottom of my thumb to the beginning of my wrist. It didn't look deep, but was sore and when I moved it, small beads of blood welled in a few places. It was now that I looked to my side and saw Al sleeping next to me. A weird stirring in my stomach began as I looked at him. Shit. I ripped the cover away from me and dashed to the bathroom, only just reaching the toilet before all of last night came up. It didn't last long, but was painful. Personally I found drinking spirits was never entirely pleasant, having them come back up was just plain disgusting and extremely uncomfortable. When it was done, I hung over the bowl, breathing hard. I felt so bad. My stomach was a hollow mess of nothing. Pushing myself up with all the strength I had left, I swilled my mouth out under the sink tap and pushed past the bathroom door, wobbling into the bedroom. Al was on the verge of waking up. He was groaning and holding his head between his hands, curled into a ball. I lowered myself back into the bed and waited for him to surface. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of my body complaining. Finally I heard him take a breath and peeked at him from under my eyelids. "Me mouth tastes like summet has crawled into it an' died."

"Try throwing up, then get back to me on it." I whispered, my voice raw.

"That were you bein' sick?"

"Yes."

"I thought it were in me dream."

I smiled slightly, "Nice dream."

"You alright?" The bed rustled and he turned towards me.

"All I can say is I haven't had a hangover this bad in a long time, nor have I threw up from drinking in even longer, so not really"

"Come to think of it, I've never seen you throw up."

"That's because I don't. Until now that is." I held up my hands, "Oh and also I've cut my hand somehow."

"What the 'ell? Seriously." He took my hand in his, gently cradling it, "'ow did that 'appen?"

I frowned slightly, "The table last night, it still had a lot of stuff on right?"

"Which table?"

"Lounge one."

"I think so, not sure really." He blinked, still holding my hand. I turned on my side to face him, his face was soft and puffy from sleep. I brushed the hair away from his eyes, "Well whatever we did on that table made me smash something and I guess that's where it came from. I just remember a loud crash, music and you and me on the table." I yawned covering my mouth with my free hand.

He laughed and covered his eyes with his hands, "Oh fook, I rememeber now. Did we seriously 'ave sex on the table on Nick's birthday party?"

I couldn't help laughing too, "I think we may have. Oops."

He sobered and looked at my hand again, sighing, "I'll go an' get you summet for this."

I sat up with him, "I'll come two, I need water desperately."

"Alright." I followed his lead unsteadily out of the room and carefully made my way downstairs. When I came to the kitchen I eyed the mess with a untrustworthy eye. How had that happened? On the side was a piece of paper that look decidedly tidier than everything else. I walked over to it and picked it up, thoughts of water sliding away from my mind. Katie's writing ran along the white paper,

_Morning, Afternoon, Evening or whatever time it is there for you. Sorry it's in such a state, we just wanted to get home. We'll come and help clear it up at some point, just text me when you feel ready. Everybody else is staying over at ours, Matt's or Nicks. We thought we'd better leave you two. Love you and take it easy yeah? Katie x _

Did they see? I would probably find out later. "'ere, let's see that hand then." Al said from next to me, a cloth and plaster in his hand. I smiled at him, dropping the paper on the side, and sat on one of the stools around the island. Holding out my hand, he took it and gently dabbed the edge of a wet cloth against it. I sucked in my breath at the sharp small pain that came from it. I swear he took longer than he should have over it. I think he liked doing it, taking care of me. When he finally finished, he placed a plaster over the cut, put the stuff away and came and sat next to me. "What d'you wanna do today?"

Outlined by the sun, his profile glowed. I answered without a second thought "Nothing," but be with you.

"_Forever isn't for everyone_

_Is forever for you?_

_It sounds like settling down or giving up_

_But it don't sound much like you girl"_

-Snap Out of It-Arctic Monkeys-


	28. My Demon In The Dark

**-My Demon In The Dark-**

"_Contempt loves the silence_

_It thrives in the dark_

_With fine winding tendrils_

_That strangle the heart"_

-My Skin-Natalie Merchant-

_14th of August 2012_

Sun gleamed across the skin of my thigh. My lace up boots rested against the side of the bike, reflections of houses passing by could be seen in their surfaces. My fingers dug into his jacket, my bitten nails no help at all as I clung on. I didn't need them though. My body was relaxed on the back of the bike, the warmth of the sun and him keeping me steady. I followed the line of my arm as it snaked around his waist. The skin had the glow of Summer on it, brown and lean from days of swimming and sunbathing. The hair that blew behind me had been touched by the sun's fingers and was enlaced with bright blond strands, painting away the dark being I'd been when I arrived. I glowed. And inside my mind was a storm cloud that twisted and boiled with all that was slowly drowning me

Time had walked away without a second look at the past. Weeks merged together. Days passed full of things I couldn't remember. I had got used to where I lived. We travelled to record at Joshua Tree and Alex and I had got lost in the desert there, only to find each other again. I could say with certainty that being there was one of the happiest times of my life. We only stayed week or so, but I swear I could still feel the desert dust lightly drifting onto my skin. Still felt the joy of waking up to the freedom of the landscape. There Al was all mine. He taught me to play music, showed me how to record, sang with me, loved me. That was where he still knew me, still saw me for who I was. Then we came back. I suppose the perfection couldn't have carried on forever. The sun has got to set at some point, throwing us into darkness, making us search blindly for what had been seen so easily before. No sooner had we got back, then we were travelling to England so they could play at the Olympic games. I don't think I had ever been so proud of them, of him, until that moment. Watching him on that stage, millions of eyes trained on him, I knew for certainty that, that was a part of him I would never understand. That was the part of him he kept from me. And in that moment, looking up at him from under the stage I don't think I had ever felt so separate from anyone before. I should have known from there it was going to be tricky. I should have realised that going home would affect me so much. But I didn't and I came back to our home expecting it all to go back to normal. The truth was I missed it. My life was so smooth, so perfect, all sunsets and beaches. Nothing happened. I just carried on with what I had, but soon I realised that it wasn't enough. Not without him at least. Each day since we came back I would accompany them to the studio where they spent most of their lives now. At first it had been a joy and a privilege to sit in the two room studio, watching them play, coming up with one wonderful tune after another. However, slowly as the weeks passed it started to lose the allure it once held over me. The walls started to feel claustrophobic, closing in on me. Trapping me within them. I started to venture outside more and more, walking the streets, the hills, the beaches. Trying to find what it was that I needed. Somewhere in the consuming journey of moving here and falling in love with Alex, I had lost something. We lost something. No longer did I fly on my hoop, becoming part of it. That said more to me than anything else. How could I fly when I was so heavy with all that I couldn't say? The truth was I missed home. I missed my country. I missed the sting of rain on my cheeks. I missed the iron grey skies of my homeland that flew over the lush rolling hills. I missed being able to go into a coffee shop and not getting a weird look when I asked for just tea. I missed fish and chips. I missed knowing my people. At the end of the day home is where the heart is and at this moment in time my heart didn't know where to be. For no longer did it's home seem to want it anymore. I hadn't told Alex any of this. How could I when he was still caught up in the magic of LA? Staring off into sunsets, writing, drinking, smoking and making music. It's all he seemed to want anymore. He didn't get tired of the false smiles of waitresses, the copious amounts of white washed teeth and parties. These days when I saw him, he made me feel like I was see through. I was pretty certain he knew something wasn't right, but like me he couldn't utter the words for fear of digging things up. I try to find things with my eyes that indicate that we're in trouble, but I find nothing. All I really knew was that there was this feeling in the air that was numbing us towards each other. In the past I had tried to bring things up, even played briefly with idea of stepping out the door, but even the thought made my heart bleed and burst. Because as he tore his way through me, I would forgive him each and every time. All he had to do was give me a touch and I was completely his again. It's like the meaner he treated me, the more eager I was to please him and persist in this relationship. And why not? Alex had built me up to more than I had ever been before, but then just as I got to that point, he left me alone. Alone to fight off every thought of mistrust and anger. I've tried my best to keep myself up, keep it going, but there is only so much I can do on my own, before I need someone else to help me. Support me. Now the only support I ever got off him was when he would hold me close and tell me he loved me. I would look him in the eye, trying ever so hard to get it past my lips, to remind him that love is a doing word. Those days were long passed. Once he'd understood it, but somewhere between now and then, it had been snatched away. We seemed to be so close, but so far away from each other. The truth is Alex is my strength and my weakness, my faith and my doubt. Now there is a silence between us that is filled with all the chatter of unsaid things. It's like we're afraid to be idle, so we fill up the days, we run on the treadmill, keep slaving away until there's no time for talking. And now the doors are all closed between his heart and mine. Locked away from each other, they are crying out for more love. Love that would flow in between us, take us and hold us above all this shit that was building up between us. If there is an answer to any of our recent troubles, it was more love. But I was struggling to find it on the now barren landscape our relationship. Sometimes he would look at me and I would get a glimpse of it in his eyes. When he kissed me it still danced against my lips, but to catch it I would need him. Need his help. Now if anybody could tell me where to find that, I would do anything to get it.

The rumbling of Alex's bike was cut off as he halted in the back drive of the the Sage &amp; Sounds Studio. Pushing these thoughts to the already overcrowded back of my mind, I swung my leg over the seat of the bike and pulled the helmet off. Really there was no reason to drive, it was only a fifteen minute to half hour walk from their houses, but they loved their bikes. There was no reason not to, it wasn't like we had anything else planned. Cradling the helmet to my hip, I followed the guys through the open door of the sprawling building. Through the dim hall lined with pictures of past artists. The talk of the others trickled into my consciousness. I could be somewhere else today, Brea had offered to take me out, but I had refused, there was only so many shopping trips I could go on. We slid into the first part of the studio, the smaller of the two rooms. One side of the wall was lined with many boards of slides, buttons and flashing lights. Three spinning chairs sat along it and I threw myself into one, looking out through the glass divider into the large recording room. It was spacious, fairylights lining the walls. My world suddenly span as someone pushed the back of my chair, making the lights blur, "Hey." I said, sticking my foot out, slowing myself down. Jamie's laugh came from behind me. I twisted around, camera held in my hand and snapped a picture of him. He held up his middle finger at me. I laughed, "Looking good there Cookie."

He did a small bow, "Well I do try."

I smiled and looked down at the small screen of the camera. I had made it my job to record the months we were out here, may it be with pictures or video. It was fun and I had some absolutely superb pictures. As I flicked through the photos I came across the last one I had taken of Al. He had his fingertips to his mouth, frowning down at the notebook I'd bought him. The majority of photo's were of him.

"Rhea love, can you turn up the volume on me guitar please." Alex's voice floated through the just closing door to the part of the studio he was in and I snapped my head up, glancing at him through the glass, before leaning over and sliding up one of the dials. Putting a pair of headphones over my head, I looked up at him as he picked at a few strings of his Fender, frowning, his headphones at an angle on his head, "That alright?" I asked, speaking through to his headphones.

"Maybe just a bit higher."

I did as he asked until he nodded, pulled the things around my head to my neck and switched on my phone. I was greeted by Al's face glancing at me, the sun casting gold in his hair. I swiped across it, I had been in the middle of a conversation with Jade when we left. Conversation went on with her for a while, but the time difference got in the way and soon she had to say goodbye. Putting my phone away I bobbed my booted foot along to the beat of something Matt was doing on the drums. I fingered the strap of my camera and stood. As I walked out into the hallway, the back door opened and Katie skipped in, hair in a long plait over her shoulder. I smiled at her, "You look happy."

She came to walk beside me, taking my arm as we entered the studio, "That's because I am. The sun's out, I'm here with people I love and I just bought some new art supplies that look incredible." I couldn't help getting caught up in her excitement and laughed, To be honest though it wasn't a surprise she was so happy. She still wasn't quite over her high of Jamie asking her to marry him while we were in the desert. I had cried for them both when they announced it, done the appropriate screaming session with her and Brea before we calmed down. The guys had viewed us with amused smiles. Jamie and Katie had been going out since all the way back in 2006 and they were the most in sync couple I had ever met. It was a general joy to watch them together. As I thought this Jamie got up from his perch on a stall, putting aside the acoustic guitar and walking over to us. I couldn't help but turn away as he embraced her, careful not to meet Al's eye. Looking down at my camera I turned it on and switched to film. Settling down in a cross legged position on the floor, I proceeded to film Matt as he beat the drums to an inch of their lives. He noticed me after a while and proceeded to do an impressive display, before flicking a drum stick up and catching it in his teeth. I laughed and clapped, jolting the image so it blurred. He jerked his head, "Come over 'ere."

Setting the camera down, I stood up and walked over to him, "What?"

"I think it's 'bout time you learnt some drummin' from the rhythm panther himself," He announced, a playful gleam in his eye. It was true he was the last one to teach me something, Nick, Jamie and Al already having shown me the ins and outs of their instruments.

"Alright then, budge over." He did so, getting up from his stool and standing, while I settled myself down in his place, "So, what you going to make me do."

"Well you 'ave a decent sense of rhythm already so that will 'elp, let's start with a simple beat an' flick." It turned out that was just hitting the big drum at my foot and then the other higher ones above it. I picked it up the basics fast enough and soon I lost track of time as Matt taught me. After while I took a break and left him to do a lot more complicated moves which I couldn't even comprehend. I sat back on the floor and took a pen and paper in my hands. There was always one of the two somewhere around the room, may it be for lyrics or the music, they were needed. Now I watched the ink pen moved around as it formed one of my doodles. There was a sigh next to me and I looked up in surprise as Al came and sat down beside me. I couldn't help a smile and my stomach did a little sumersault. What did he want? "Do you remember if I left me notepad back at the house? I can't find it anywhere."

I looked away from him. So he wasn't just sitting down with me for the sake of it, he just wanted something. I pointed into the other room through the glass divide, "It's in my bag remember? You put it there when we left last night."

His face brightened and I smiled slightly, "Ah, yeah. Thanks love." I watched as he went to move away, but then he stopped, looking down at the picture I was drawing, "What you doin'?"

I glanced down at the small piece of paper in between my bent legs, "Just a doodle really, nothing much."

He crouched back down, "It looks like a face or summet."

I laughed, "That's because it is. It's Matt, but I've kinda turned him into a devil of sorts."

He chuckled, "Yeah, I can see that now." His face turned thoughtful, "I never draw much, never really stuck out to me as summet to do."

I held out the pen to him, eager to keep him with me as long as possible "Well have a go, draw something."

He took the pen but held it gingerly, "I dunno where to start…"

I took his hand and pulled him closer to me so he had to sit, legs brushing against mine, "Just try. Why don't you try and draw something you know well."

He frowned slightly. I glanced at the soundesk pointedly. He followed my gaze, "You sayin' it should be summet to do with music?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

He put the tip of the pen to the paper, arm resting over my leg, and took a few tentative strokes. They turned into the smooth lines of a soundwave, getting bigger and then smaller as he carried on. I clapped my hands, "Well done. That's exactly what I mean, plus you can do and add so much more to that."

He grinned, "Maybe." I looked into his eyes and the smile fell slightly from my face. My lips tingled and his eyes turned serious. He reached over and gently touched my cheek with his fingers, "Thanks love." He stood up and I felt disappointment curl through me, "Anyway, I'm gonna go an' get the pad." With that he turned and walked away. I watched him go, but then looked away. Was he going to see me again? Be my wave, my demon in the dark. He was my soul, my heart, and he was pulling everything apart.

The smell of coffee was the thing that woke me up from my thoughts a while later. I looked up to see James, Ford, walking towards me, a small smile on his lips. He had been here for just over a week now, helping the guys with the harder parts of recording. He set a take away cup on the side next to me and gave me a proud smile, "I got you tea. One sugar and a bit of milk right?"

I couldn't help grinning at him, taking the cup and holding it to my nose, "Oh thank you, it's exactly what I needed." When the guys had got down to some serious music making, I had relocated back to the sound desk room, leaving them to do their stuff. He sat in a chair next to me, looking through the glass to where Alex and Jamie were head to head, intent on their guitars, "Well you were looking a bit gloomy, so I thought I would try and make you smile with something of home." He glanced at me, "I know it can be a bit hard on some days. Gets a bit too much."

I cast him a suspicious look from over the rim of the cup. Had he been talking to Brea about me? Brea had been a wonder over the last weeks, there to listen to my worries and fears. My longings and wants. "You could say that." I flicked my eyes to the floor, not willing to meet his eyes. He was very good at hearing things people only said in their heads. There was a small noise from my headset and I held it up to my ear, "Can you do Cookie's acoustic." I sighed and did as Al asked.

"You don't really wanna be here do you?" James's inquisitive stare saw right through me.

"Not really, but there's not much else to do, plus Al likes me here." I hesitated, "I think."

"Aw fuck him, if he wants you here or not, go and do something else Rhea." He pointed a finger at me, "I know for a fact it's been ages since you've been on that hoop of yours."

My lips twitched, "Yeah, you're right about that."

"Don't you have any people you could go and hang out with?"

My stomach hit the floor. I asked myself the same question everyday. "To be quite honest with you James, I've found it hard to connect with anybody here really. I like to say I am an adaptable person, but there's only so many times I want to go out and shop, or drink fucking disgusting juices which are supposed to change my life. Don't even get me started on the fucking beauty treatments." I threw my hands up, "Then the people I actually would like to hang out with are hanging out where I can't because I'm under age, " I took a breath, "Or they're not here." I jerked my thumb towards Al, "Plus he gets all bitchy when I go out on my own too much. Normally I wouldn't give a fuck at him over it, but it's about the only time he shows any proper interest in me. Gets passionate over something I've done." I finished in a rush.

James wore a surprised look on his face, "Jesus christ Rhea, what the hell is going on with you? Have you talked to Alex about this? You seem really upset about it."

Oh god, why did I say all that? "I'm sorry, I don't…" I couldn't do this with him. It didn't have anything to do with him. I couldn't be here right now. I stood up in a rush, "I gotta go. Thanks for the tea James." I picked up my bag and nearly ran out of the room, completely forgetting about the tea. Hesitating near the door that led into the studio where Al was, I decided to quickly tell him I was going back. Pushing open the dark wood door, my ears were blessed with the sound of his music. I recognised it as the solo for Fireside. Al had his eyes closed and was completely lost in it. I couldn't help staring at him. The music took my breath away and struck something inside of me. I whirled around, just as his eyes opened and he saw me, letting the door slam behind me. My feet hit the floor. I yanked the back door open and marched out of the building, the sun shining almost too brightly down on me. The heat was surrounding me and I wished for the coolness of rain. My breath was coming in short gasps and I was finding it hard to breath. I was feeling so heavy I just couldn't bare it. My feet moved faster and faster. I needed to take my mind off him, off it all. How could I think we were still strong when I felt the air beneath my feet. Felt like I could fall any day. The darkness that had once haunted me was beckoning to me once again. I felt it at the back of my mind. I had been a fool to think it couldn't touch me anymore when I was with him. I had lost control of us. He had no idea how easy he was to need. And now that Alex didn't seem to need me so much anymore, I didn't quite know what to do. I needed someone to tell my I wasn't alone in this. I needed someone to tell me this all wasn't just in my head. My pace picked up even more. Staring ahead of me I marched home, doing everything I could to think about it no longer.

The sun was just over halfway around the sky when I finally arrived. I fished the key out of my pocket and unlocked the door, my vision blurring. When I stepped inside the cool hallway, I dropped my bag on the floor, the sound of it hitting the ground echoed around the empty house. Distraction. I jogged up to our room, rummaging through our wardrobe for a box. In it was copies of all my performance songs, separated onto dozens of plain CD's. I rifled through them, searching for one of my earliest pieces. Finally I found it and slipped it out of it's thin plastic case. Yes this was the one. I stood up from my crouch, my ankle clicking. My hand slid down the bannister, the smooth wood warming my hand. Walking into the lounge, I looked at all the pictures that now lined the shelves and walls. So many of us smiling. My eyes strayed to one college that took over a good bit of the opposite wall. It was a present from Zack showing pictures of mostly Al and I from all the way back in Lollapalooza to when we went to Joshua Tree. So many with his arms around me. His head in my lap, running my fingers through his hair. Teaching me to play the guitar. Kissing me, laughing with me and just looking at me. My lips twitched as I looked at one where I had been topless by the swimming pool and Al came up behind me, covering my breasts with his hands. I was laughing, hands on hips while Alex glanced down at me. Zack took it without me even noticing. There had been a complete freedom there. I swallowed and turned my back on it. Walking away, I slipped the CD into the player, pressing play and closing my eyes. It started to play, the delicate notes of a violin splitting through my dark mood. I breathed through my nose and out of my mouth, slowly opening my eyes. My body relaxed and moved away from me. My feet brushed against the cool floorboards. It knew what to do. I could always rely on it, always knew it would take me away. Take me away to the place where all that mattered was the music and me. I twisted, flashes of my skin catching eyes, bare feet light against the floor. I danced until I was painted with emotion and the CD ended. Still it wasn't enough. I slipped in another one, forcing myself to carry on. If I stopped I would collapse. Winding my leg around me I span around and around, hair flying in a golden halo around my head. Muscles contracted under my skin and I gasped. Keep going. I stopped, bending so the tops of my hair brushed the backs of my knees.

And he was there.

Slowly I stood straight, letting myself breath before facing him. Dark eyes met mine and I stared back into them, unblinking. The last strains of sound fell away from the air. My chest moved up and down, sweat beading my brow. I flicked my eyes down to the glass in his hand, golden liquid around ice cubes. I tensed and the magic of the moment, of my moment, was lost.

"I've forgotten 'ow good you are at that. You're breath takin'." His lips moved, catching my attention like his words couldn't any longer. I stayed silent, turning away from him, brushing my hair over my shoulder. "Why'd you leave so suddenly? I came back as soon as I could. Rhea, you seemed upset."

My eyes caught sight of the clock on the wall. I felt disappointment, " It obviously didn't matter that much to you. It's over an hour since I left."

"Well I wanted to finish what I were doin'. Did you hear what we were workin' on? It's really startin' to sound good."

Of course he had to finish the fucking song. I glared at him, "What a surprise you were more interested in your song than why I was upset."

His face fell from it's relaxed expression, eyes hiding emotion from me, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly what you think it means."

He sighed, his whole body already impatient. It angered me beyond belief, "Rhea, what's goin' on?"

I took a step towards him, "Oh you really want to know or are you just doing it out of duty?"

He frowned, "Of course I wanna know."

My eyes narrowed, "Fine. You want to know what's going on? Well for a start, you walk in here and tell me you've forgotten how good I am at something that is so much a part of me, it's like forgetting a part of who I am. You're forgetting about me Alex that's what's going on."

His face was pale under his tan, eyes hard, "That's fookin' bullshit. It's not my fault you 'aven't danced in so long that I were surprised, an' pleasantly so, when I saw you dancin' again. And 'ow the 'ell can I forget 'bout you? If you 'aven't noticed I'm basically writin' a whole fookin' album about you. Is that not enough, is that not what you want?"

I shook my head in disbelief, "Have you stopped to think why I don't dance anymore? And no Al, I don't want you through your bloody music. I want you here with me now. When you hold me, I want you to be in that moment, not off thinking up some clever lyrics."

He rolled his eyes, "Rhea, this is who I am. I'm a musician, you know this, we've already talked 'bout this."

I threw my hands up, "Yes of course I know that and I love that creative, wonderful part of you. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you and am still very much in love with you. But Alex, if you played me with as much love as you play the strings of your guitar then I'd play a love song too. But you don't, not anymore," My eyes prickled with long overdue tears, "It's like you've forgotten how."

He was silent, frozen. When he finally spoke his voice was soft, "Well I'm sorry I'm not livin' up to your standards of a perfect boyfriend, but I can't change who I am. I'm no different to 'ow I were before."

I dropped my gaze, "Then I've truly lost you. You loved me through you, with your hands and body. You were there to support me when I needed it. Now you're not there. All you do is sing and play, smoke and drink. I don't understand you anymore. You can't love me through a love song Alex, it's not how it works. I need you physically and emotionally here."

"Well what if it's the only way I know 'ow to?"

"But Alex, it's not and you know that, we both know that, so I have no idea why you're deluding yourself with that assumption now."

He widened his eyes, "Fine, but why 'aven't you said anythin' 'bout this before?"

I held my hand out to him, but put it back at my side, "Because there is no space for me to tell you. No silence for you to hear me and listen anymore. You fill everything up with noise. No longer can you seem to have a comfortable silence with me. You don't talk to me, you don't let yourself really have a good conversation anymore." I stopped, searching for the words, "It's like you're scared you're going to say something, scared I'm going to see something you don't want me to see. I love you Alex, so much it scares me, but you're not seeing me or letting me see you anymore, is slowly killing me." I clenched my hands into fists, " It physically hurts me and I just _can't_ do this anymore."

Alex rubbed his hand tiredly across his face, "I really don't know, I just, I gotta…" Without looking at me, he turned away, walking towards the kitchen and the door. I followed him, fear suddenly waking in me. He set the glass of whiskey on the side, I opened my mouth, "Where are you going?"

"Out."

I stopped in my tracks, "Out where?"

He threw an irritated glance back at me, "Just out ok. I need to about think it."

I couldn't help snorting in disbelief, "More like drink about it." I took a step towards him, "Come on, stay Alex. We can sort this out together, me and you. Please don't walk away from this."

He shook his head, taking purposeful steps towards the front door. I could hear the jingle of his motorbike keys in his pocket, "No Rhea, I need to be alone."

A saw red. That was it, "Alex, don't you _dare_ walk away from me." My eyes narrowed, "Why is everything with you so complicated? Why do you make it so easy to need you, but so hard to love you? I _hate_ it Alex. If you really want to be alone, I throw my hands up 'cause I have _tried._" He continued to the door, opening it and walking out. I followed him, almost on the verge of tears, and raised my voice "Did you know your Mam's been calling up? Wandering why her son never talks to her anymore. It's not only me Al, people know somethings up. The people who love you are worried, and nobody more than me. Please don't go." My voice wobbled, "I don't know what you're running from Alex, but it's going to catch up with you soon." He didn't even look at me as he pulled his bike helmet over his head. How dare he ignore me. My feelings turned hard and dark. I wanted words that would hurt him, make him feel what I was feeling, "That's it Alex, just run away. I know you don't like the truth coming from my mouth, so there you go running away again, not confronting it" My voice was now raised, the hard concrete of the drive digging into my feet. The engine growled to life and he turned the bike around, drowning out my last words.

And he was gone. I stood there, not quite believing he'd just ridden away from this. I was shocked at how fast it had escalated. I had known something was seriously wrong with us but never had I thought it was so bad he wouldn't even recognise it. He would be back though. I was sure of it. He'd be sorry and apologize, shower me in attention, kiss me, love me, but then in a couple days he would be back how he was now. Alone in his world. As I turned away, back into the house, I vowed to myself this time it would be different. This time I wouldn't fall back into his arms, forgive him and forget. This time we would talk about it and he would hear me and he would understand. My eyes flashed across the kitchen. They caught on his discarded glass of whiskey. Fuck him. Pure rage seethed through me and I marched forwards, swinging my hand back and smacking it into the side of the glass. It spanaway, golden liquid flying everywhere. With a loud crash, it hit the floor, glass bouncing across the tiles. I stood shocked by my violence. That anger was for him. I'd wanted to hit him with it, not the glass. What was happening to me? How could he do this to me? How could he watch me sleep, then wrench my dreams away from me? I needed him to tell me the truth, was I losing him? We used to kiss all night, now we can't touch each other without something unsaid blocking the way. I've given everything to him, all I could and still I got the feeling it wasn't enough. I felt like I was fighting for his attention, but from what? He had the shotgun and it was aimed at my heart, one slip of his hand and I would fall into his arms. We had found something in us both that was worth fighting for, then why was fighting all that we're good at anymore. And no matter how much we would say, the words we never said still rung in our heads.

I looked at the broken pieces on the floor. We had never been this bad before. My vision blurred and I felt my legs give way from beneath me. I lurched forwards to hold onto the side of the island. Tears trickled down my face and I put my head in my hands letting myself cry. I hadn't cried for what felt like an age, too scared in case I couldn't stop. That fear gripped me now and I jerked my head up. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. This was bad, the worst it had been between us, but we would fix it. Sniffing, I wiped my eyes and looked around. I would cook something nice for him, for us. Food always made him happier. If we were happy we could talk and this time it would work. I wouldn't shout, because this time he would have no choice to listen to me. Because this time there was the door and I only hoped he would follow me through it.

"_Well, is it dark enough?_

_Can you see me?_

_Do you want me?_

_Can you reach me?_

_Or I'm leaving"_

_-My Skin-Natalie Merchant-_


	29. Forgive Me First Love

**-Forgive Me First Love-**

"_I catch my breath, we're just one beating heart_

_And I embrace myself, please don't tear this apart"_

-Bound To You- Christina Aguilera-

_15th Of August 2012_

Lying on my back, I closed my eyes and watched the light from the sun dance on the backs of my eyelids. The grass was soft and cushioned my body against the earth below me. I could hear the breeze brushing against the leaves of the Oak tree above me. I felt the shadows of our clothes blowing above my head. The smell of the fresh washing entwined with the natural smell of the land. It was late morning and he still wasn't back. After he left, I cooked, finishing just as the sun set. And I waited. Waited until my eyes stung with tiredness and thoughts of where he could be became too much. Going to the bathroom I had slipped myself a sleeping pill, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own, and let myself fall into dreamless slumber. I woke to an empty bed and had robotically tinkered around the house, readying myself for what I was going to say. Getting ready for what I knew I must do. A bird twittered in the tree and I picked at the grass with my fingers, yanking it away from it's roots. Why was it with life that every time I tried my hardest to love and be loved it all got fucked up? I was never enough. What was I supposed to do to make him want me properly again? I knew his feelings for me still ran deep, but I just didn't know where they were anymore, because they certainly weren't with me. I was tired of trying now I wasn't getting anything back. I didn't have the energy. I didn't know where he had gone when he stayed behind. Yet I'm still waiting for the day where he will once again say that I make him feel a way he's never felt before and I'm all he needs and that he'll never want more. When I look at him for these words, waiting for him to say it, all I get is the look that shoots me down each and every time. I wished with all my heart that he would tell me why he was wasting our time, when his heart was obviously not satisfied.

My ears pricked up as I heard the rumble of his engine in front of the house. I snapped my eyes open. Sitting up I took a few seconds to calm my breathing before standing up and turning towards the house. The glass doors showed me my blurred reflection as I neared them. My hand reached out to push them aside, letting myself step into the kitchen just as I heard the front door open and shut. I left the door open behind me, needing the fresh air to keep me standing. Al walked into the kitchen, eyes weary as they flickered around the room, feet heavy against the floor. The thing that caught my eye was the small bouquet of lavender in his hand. My heart gave a squeeze at the sight of them. He walked towards me, his feet obviously wanting to be somewhere else. I waited until he was in front of me, eyes directed at the floor. I waited for him to speak first, which he did after a couple false starts, "Rhea, I'm so sorry." He stuck out his hand with the lavender in. I just looked at it. Flowers were not going to make this alright, neither were those words. He sighed, glancing at me, before setting the bouquet on the side next to us. He turned back to me and reached over, cupping the side of my face in the palm of his hand, "Rhea…" I closed my eyes at his touch, using all of my will not to turn into the warmth of his skin. I felt his breath of my lips and had only a moment to prepare before his was on my mouth. The kiss was tainted by unsaid words that pricked the back of our lips. The lavender was just salt in the wounds they made. We both pulled back and I felt sick, the weight of everything weighing like a rock in my stomach. I knew neither of us could bare to meet each others eyes, but I had the feeling it was for different reasons. His appearance was a mess. He stank of smoke, sweat and drink. He wore the same clothes as yesterday and they were rumpled, looking like he had tried to sleep in them. The circles under his eyes gave me more clues to where he had been, but I couldn't bare to put them all together, to join the dots.

He swallowed, "I'm gonna go an' shower."

I said nothing and he turned and left me alone standing in a beam of sunlight. I stayed there until the sound of water hitting the shower floor snapped me out of wherever I was. Moving to the lavender, I picked it up and held it to my nose, letting it's scent calm me. It brought back memories of happier times and I smiled sadly, letting them flicker past my eyes. Baths, kisses on the neck, dinners, dancing, laughing, jokes, reading together. I remembered when he had sat on the edge of our bed and sang me awake just because he felt like it. Just because he wanted to see me wake with a smile. Holding the bunch gently in my hands, I walked over and took a small glass down from the cupboard, filling it with water. I placed the lavender in it and set it on the table, watching the light dance against it's sides for longer than was necessary. The flowers were delicate things, but would last for ages, their beauty staying alive, smell still filling your senses. That's why I loved them. They went against everyone's expectations. They just kept going, beautiful and smelling of pure heaven. The sound of the shower was eventually cut off and I turned to walk upstairs, I couldn't wait any longer. It seemed to take longer than normal to get to him. Time passing at a pace that made me wonder if it all was on slow motion. When I reached our room, the walls were bright, a stark contrast to how I felt. In another time, another world, this would make me smile. Now I eyed it with distrust, knowing that no matter how bright the sun shone it had no affect on what was really going on. I could hear Al in the walk in wardrobe, rummaging around for something to wear. He eventually came out, unbuttoned jeans hanging on his hips, chest bare. He looked young and harmless, incapable of hurting someone. How looks could be deceiving. Surprise flashed across his lovely features as he saw me leaning up against the doorframe. I let my lips curl up slightly at the corners. Just because all this was going on didn't mean his face didn't make me smile. Just because I wasn't sure what was real anymore, didn't mean I didn't want to run into his arms and kiss him until we made it all better. "Hey," I said softly, my voice giving nothing but my tiredness away.

He met my eyes before grabbing a towel that was thrown over the bed and running it over his dripping hair, "Hey love."

"Where did you go last night?" I asked tentatively.

He let the towel fall away, "I went out an' drove for a long time, before goin' back to that bar we went to when we first came 'ere. Drank, then went to a party, ended up stayin ' there."

I felt sad that my prediction that he would drink had come true. I had hoped by saying it, he wouldn't do it, "Do I know the person who was hosting the party?"

"Not really. Kinda vague friend of Blue's, she was there." He said this as he buttoned up a dark grey shirt, fingers swiftly doing their work.

My mind flashed to the image of a blue haired young woman in my mind. She had eyed me with distaste and treated me like I was a child, "I see." I licked my lips, "Al, I need to talk to you about something."

"I know."

I took a breath, "I've decided I'm going back to England. I can't be here anymore Alex." He was still as could be, "And I want you to come with me, I need you to come with me." Finally saying the words didn't make me feel better, but they had to be voiced. I still loved him so, so much, this wasn't the end, I just hoped it could be the end of whatever this was that was tearing us apart. "Forgive me Alex, but I just can't be here anymore. I know you know I haven't been happy here for a long time. I need to get away to feel again, to live the life I want to again. And now I am asking you like you once asked me, to move with me, because I feel like this is what I need to do." I swallowed hard, "I know this is earlier than we planned…" He took a step forwards and I automatically took a step away. I couldn't let him get too close so he could change my mind. I needed him to wipe that look from his eyes that was bribing me to doubt myself. I was a fragile thing that could shatter if he said the right words. He knew it and I knew it. It was his choice now if he used them against me. Took me in his arms and whispered sweet lies in my ear, saying it would all be alright. Drifting into my head and turning me into a crumbling fool. And if I stayed I would turn into a lie, choking on words I'd always hide.

His mouth was open but no sound came from it. He looked around, running his hand through his tangle of hair, "Rhea, I can't go jus' now...I need to stay 'ere to finish what I started." I felt my face lose all hope. He saw it and he rushed to speak, "But only for a while, I jus' need to stay 'ere a bit longer."

I felt mistrustful at his words, "How long will you stay here for?"

He looked away from my eyes, "Well for a while, so y'know, maybe like, another month or so."

I stood up straighter, strangely shocked. We wouldn't be able to last like this. We had a chance if we were together, if we weren't around each other there would be no hope. Bringing forth what strength I had left I drew myself up, "Alex, you know unless we sort this out, whatever the fuck it is, we won't be able to make it without each other. You may as well tell me to leave now."

"Rhea, I need to think," His eyes darkened, "You've jus thrown it at me Rhea, I mean, unlike you, I like it 'ere a lot, and me life is 'ere now."

I glared at him, finding it hard not to raise my voice as I spoke, "Well given the circumstances, I would have thought that it wouldn't have been such a hard choice."

His mouth was in a hard line, "Is that was this is Rhea? A test or summet?"

I shook my head, "Alex you can see it anyway you want, but I can tell you now that you have a lot to think about because if your past words have meant anything, then you will make the right choice." I struggled to get the next words out, "Leaving here without you or knowing that it will be ages until you come back is going to rip me apart, but I will Al. I will walk out that door whether you tell me to stay or not. You're the fucking love of my life Alex, please don't let me down on this."

He turned away from me, looking out the window. Not a word passed his lips. A gasp pulled away from my mouth and I turned from him, pushing past the door. I needed to get out of here. Down the stairs the white walls swam, darkening with happy memories in frames that lined them. He promised me he would follow me to the ends of the earth. He said he would be there when I broke. Now where was he? He was looking away, back to me, so that I had no idea of what he was thinking. That's what he was doing, thinking. I would leave him for a while, give him space to make this choice. I snatched my phone from the side, zipped up my boots and marched out of the house. Slipping my phone into the back pocket of my jeans, I took a left down the hill. Walking past houses I shut my mind off. More homes, gardens watched me pass, taking turn after turn, until I passed through a dark alley and emerged on a hill. It was the start to the wildness around LA. Sparse grass bent in the breeze on brown dusty earth. Small puffs clouded around my feet as I walked higher and higher, the sun beating down on my head. Finally I found as small crest that looked down the valley before me. I sank down onto the ground, pulling my knees up to my mouth. My eyes filled and a sob blocked off any feeling that wanted to come up. I put my hand to my mouth, holding back whatever sound wanted to burst forth. How the fuck had it come to this? Fey once said in one of her moments of reflection that love comes so slow and goes so fast. Back then I had no idea what that really meant. And even now I thrust the idea away. I still loved him. I loved him with everything that I was. I've been around through every one of his moods, I had been there when the world was beating him down. I lifted his head up and looked into those eyes of his and told him it was all ok. He's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest asshole. He makes me want to scream, he can ruin my day and save it at the last minute. He drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, sometimes I hate his guts and he's everything I ever wanted. He had me and I him, we would work it out. Something like that just didn't disappear. He made my head spin, he was my downfall, my worst distraction. Always drawing me in to the point I needed his help to get back out again. I rode his magical mystery ride because he needed me too I gave my all to him and he gave his all to me. That sort of thing did not just slip away for good. Somewhere, _somewhere _along the line we lost sight of each other, losing each other in mundane tricks of everyday life. We just needed to find it again. Somehow. We were caught in a love landslide, tumbling further and further away from where we wanted to be. I managed to cry myself raw, until I felt exhausted and my eyes felt sick and tired of the tears. My bum got numb and I stood, forcing myself to walk back down. I had been stupid to leave him alone. I was no better than him just walking away. My feet stumbled all the way home, never quite wanting to go as fast as I wanted to.

When I arrived I was shocked and confused to see Matt's bike in the drive in. Frowning I walked to the door and pushed it open. The deep rumbling of low voices reached my ears and I turned into the kitchen. Matt stood with his back to me, while Al faced me, talking in a quiet voice. He stopped as he caught sight of me. I met his eyes and shook my head at him, showing my absolute disbelief that he had brought Matt here. My voice came out laced with a dark feeling of hate that scared me, "Fuck you Alex, he has _nothing _to do with this. This is about us." This was the last straw. I turned away feeling betrayed and in pain at his choice.

"Rhea-" I whirled around to where Al was going to make after me, "Don't come near me." He stopped dead, hearing the seriousness in my voice. I glanced at Matt who was staring at me, his eyes wide. I practically ran up the stairs to our room. Slamming the door behind me, I yanked my suitcases out from under the bed and ripped them open. I was leaving tomorrow. I pushed every single ounce of feeling to the bottom of my heart, needing to feel nothing anymore. I proceeded to pull the space apart, packing every bit of mine that I could. I couldn't believe that he had called Matt here. This hurt me more than I could understand. He needed someone else to confide in? Wasn't it obvious enough to him what he should do? There was no more shouting of my name and all was silent from downstairs. Slowly energy leaked out of me and the more the room fell apart at my hands, the more sick of the sight I got. Eventually I couldn't pack one more single thing, I couldn't do it anymore. I fell on the bed, the bump of my phone knocking into my bone. I pulled it out and turned it on, not sure what I planned to do with it. It opened on the last page I had been on, my Instagram feed. I automatically flicked my finger down.

My heart stopped.

Every single ounce of me stilled to the point I wasn't sure I was even there anymore. None of that mattered. I couldn't breath. A while ago I found a lovely fanpage of me and Al made by a sweet girl from back home. I had followed her ever since. Now her picture was the thing that was making me struggle to breath. My hands shook and the mobile fell from them. I couldn't move. Her arms around him, lips on his. Her hands in his hair, eyes closed as she kissed him. His hands wrapped around her tiny waist, face half hidden behind her brown curled hair. No, this couldn't be real. This had to be an old picture. He was wearing that jacket last night, but he had worn it dozens of times before. Jerkily I sat up and with trembling hands went back to the picture. I felt like I was going to be sick just looking at it. It was tagged. I tapped on the small icon and Blue's name came up. The picture was her's, but that wasn't her kissing Alex. No, I would recognize that woman anywhere. How could you not when her picture was everywhere. It was a picture from last night. My mind raced. He'd been there all night, same clothes, guilty look in his eyes. I fell off the bed into standing, hands over my mouth, "No, no, no, no…" I whispered over and over again. No. It couldn't be really. It was an edit. It had to be.

I had to ask him.

Time was nothing as I passed through the door, down the stairs and back to where they sat, talking. There was a sound in my head, "Alex." My voice was barely a whisper. He saw me anyway and stood up, walking to stand in front of me, his eyes searching, "Rhea, I'm sorr-"

Those words meant nothing to me, "Alex where were you last night?" My lips trembled.

He stilled, but only out of confusion, "I told you, I were at Blue's an' that bar."

"Who was at the party?" I stared into his eyes, waiting for any sign.

He took longer to reply this time, "Just people. I don't think you've met a lot of them."

"Alex, was Alexa there?" There was complete and utter silence as I said this and after. Every word has it's consequence, every silence too. My voice shook, "Tell me, was Alexa Chung at that party?"

His voice was emotionless, "She was."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I already knew the answer, but I wanted him to say it.

He swallowed, "Because last night I did summet that I would do anythin' to undo."

I couldn't look into his eyes anymore, "I saw pictures, of you ." I didn't give him time to react to my words, "Alex is this the first time you've seen her since we got together?"

His hand clenched and I swayed slightly, "No, I've seen her before now, tonight would 'ave been the fourth time." I turned away. I heard him take a step towards me, "Rhea you 'ave to know that last night I didn't mean to see her. It weren't arranged, she's a friend of Blue's you know that. The only time I ever meant to see her were when I first got together with you an' both of those times I swear to you we only talked. We needed to. Third was by accident, as was last night. It was the first time anythin' 'appened between us. I don't think we did anythin' but kiss, I can't remember." He paused, "Rhea, I am so sorry, please this doesn't mean I don't love you, please…"

His words blurred in my mind, "You_ think_ you _only_ kissed." I saw red and my hand connected with his face, the slap ringing out around us. Before I knew what was happening, a pain bloomed in my side as he pushed me away so my hip hit the side of the island. It was now that Matt jumped forward, "The fook guys…" I barely noticed him. All I could see was Alex, his face reddening from where I had hit him. We stood in shock of what we had both done. My hand stung numbly from where it hung at my side. My hip ached. What had become of us? I was falling a great height. It all made sense now. His absence in the last few weeks. Everytime he felt like he could get close to me he would feel guilt at what he had done, what he was feeling and pull away. He must have seen her, must have been talking to her. It all fitted now. After the fight we had over her I never raised her in conversation again and neither did he. She became something to be brushed under the carpet and he wanted that more than anything. Because he didn't want to face what was really going on. The world moved under my feet and I grabbed hold of the side, steadying myself. I rocked back and forth, "No, no…" Tears started to spill from my eyes, my voice a whisper, "How could I have been so stupid? So, so _fucking_ stupid." I turned away from him, "It all makes sense now, so clear..." I whirled around, my finger pointing at him, "_You, you, how could you do this to me?_" My breathing was coming in short gasps now, "You're still in love with her aren't you?" I looked up at the ceiling, then back at him, "You _never_ stopped loving her did you? After all _she_ was the one who broke up with you, _she_ was the one who ended it not you. You weren't ready for it to end." A sob was choked out of me, "How dare you let me fall in love with you. How dare you let me believe this could work."

Alex stood, his head bent, his whole body broken, "I love you Rhea, I do. Everythin' I've ever said to you is all true, every time I've said I love you, I meant it, every single time."

"Oh, what, everytime you said she was nothing? Just something you wanted to move away from, that was all true was it?"

He shook his head and took a step towards me, hands reaching out. I jerked back, my feet stumbling as I moved away from him, "Don't touch me. Don't you dare come any closer." I was sobbing now, my vision blurred. His face was a mess, his expression of desperation. I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him anymore, "Leave me alone. You have no right, no right at all to come any closer." I jerked my finger at him, "You have broken all your promises. You will _never_ touch me again." The sound around me was closing in, my eyes were barely able to focus. Couldn't do it. I whirled around, needing to get away from him, away from this. I stumbled up the stairs, reaching our room just in time. As I walked in my knees gave way underneath me, hitting the ground hard. The pain was nothing to me, nothing compared to the absolute agony that was tearing through me now. I wrapped my hands around my waist, doing everything I could to hold myself together. My face was soaked with my misery and as I opened my mouth a moan pushed past my lips, filling every part of me. I didn't hold it in any longer and let my grief out in a loud cry that ripped through my body.

Downstairs Alex still stood in the very same position. He only moved when the sound of Rhea's cry echoed through the house. It was he who collapsed this time, falling to the floor and putting his head in his hands, shoulders gently trembling. Matt looked down at him, his face white. All that he had seen today was something had never thought to witness in his entire life. He had only come over because he urgently needed to talk to Alex about a new idea for One For The Road. He had found Al slowly packing some of his stuff. One look at him and Matt knew something was wrong. Over a drink Alex told him everything. Told him how he planned to go back with Rhea, even if it was just a little while, just so they could sort things out. He never uttered a word about Alexa. Now looking down at Alex, his lifelong friend, his brother, he suddenly felt like he had no idea who he was anymore. The Alex he knew would never break a woman's heart, much less one who was everything he had ever needed. With his voice low in shock and anger he spoke, "What the fuck have you done Alex?"

"_Do you remember the way_

_That you touched me before_

_All the trembling sweetness_

_I loved and adored?"_

-My Skin-Natalie Merchant-


	30. Burn In Our Mistakes

**-Burn In Our Mistakes-**

"_Your face saving promises_

_Whispered like prayers_

_I don't need them_

_No, I don't need them"_

-My Skin-Natalie Merchant-

_15th of August 2012_

Chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm, we are just that close. Eye to eye, cheek to cheek, side by side, he is sleeping next to me. Arm in arm, dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn we lay next to each other. My eyes are wide open, watching him, time and her pass lightning fast before me. I don't know where she is but I can feel her watching us. I try to turn to him, asking him to hold me, tell me it's all just in my dream. He sleeps on. The room lightened as an invisible beam of sun comes in through the window. I watched paralysed as the door opens, memories of us flashing in and out of focus on the white walls. His smile, my laugh, his touch, my feelings portrayed openly on my face. They disappear as she appears and I sit up in alarm. Her cat like eyes watch me and I am transfixed. She shifts her gaze to the one who lays beside me. I begin to shake my head, trying my best to get the words out. No, you can't have him. He's mine. But I already know it's too late and white colour blares against my eyelids and things become too real.

I woke with a start. Eyes wide and staring at the ceiling above me. For a moment I floated in surprised innocence. Then like a thief in the night my memories came back and stole what contentment I had left in me. Oh god. I stayed still. The house was silent around me. Bits and pieces of last night stumbled drunkenly into my mind, mixing together with the dream I had just witnessed. I had cried. And cried. Cried until there wasn't an ounce of me that could stomach any more tears. There had been shouting from down stairs, Matt's voice raised loud and frightening and Al's a low rumble that only reached my ears every once in a while. I had blocked it from my mind. With automatic movements started to finish what I had began, packing all my belongings away. It made me realise how little I actually possessed. When we had moved here most of the furniture had come from Al's flat, the only stuff that I brought was my desk from my room. All the rest was clothes and the bits and bobs that you gather around you as you live. I stripped the whole of the upstairs of me, leaving it bare, only possessing what was left of him. He didn't venture upstairs and I didn't go downstairs. Matt did crack open the door as I was staring at a picture of me and Al sometime after midnight. I had screamed at him to leave me alone and not soon after I heard the front door open and close, the low rumble of his bike. I felt bad about it, but right now I didn't care what anybody else felt. All that I noticed was the hollow feeling of my whole body. All the energy and life that had once filled me had slipped away with Alex's words, leaving me alone with my grief. I was mourning. Mourning a death. The death of what we had been. An ice cold tear trickled down the from the corner of my eye, soaking into my hair where it spread across the pillow. I wiped under my eyes, getting rid of any more that wanted to fall. I would go mad if I cried anymore. My head throbbed. My body felt like I had been repeatedly kicked everywhere, eyes swollen and sore. Lights danced in front of me from the window. It still seemed to be morning, the sun wasn't that bright yet. I gingerly sat up, the cover pooling around my waist and swung my legs to the floor, setting my feet flat. I had no recollection of falling asleep. Pushing my hair out of my face I realised I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. I needed to clean myself up. I needed to wash the tear tracks off my face, wash the dirt from my knees, wash the memories of his touch from my skin. Never would I let him set his hands on me again and I couldn't bare to have the stains of old ones on me. I stood and walked to the bathroom. I kept my face away from the mirror and stripped off. As I stepped into the shower, the bruise on my hip caught my eyes. I touched it softly, biting my lip to stop a moan escaping my mouth. I had hit him and now he'd left me one last mark on me too. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. What a mess. I left the bruise alone and turned on the water, the cold hitting me hard, making me cry out slightly. My eyes widened and my mind sharpened. I didn't bother to turn the warmth on, nothing could keep me warm today. I washed my hair, then stepped away, dripping onto the floor at my feet. I dried myself, then let myself look at my face in the mirror. The only way I could describe what I was seeing was to liken it to a worn rock you find on the beach. I looked away and walked back into the bedroom, unzipping a suitcase and staring down at the neatly folded clothes. I would leave him with an image to remember. One that would stick in his mind everytime he closed his eyes. Everytime he spoke her name he would remember me and hurt. I would make sure of that. The sadness that had pulled me down last night was now being rapidly replaced with a hot burning anger. I crouched and pulled what I needed out. Sitting on the bed, I pulled the socks up to my knees slowly, feeling the fabric tighten around my legs. Next I did up my bra and walked to the mirror, feet soft on the floor, make-up bag in my hand. I pulled the blood red lipstick out, lining my lips with the colour, puckering them and blowing a kiss to my reflection. Next I coloured my lashes with mascara, dabbing a small amount of eyeliner under and at the edges to give them a cat like quality. When I was finished I watched my image. It certainly wasn't a drastic change to how I had looked, but it wasn't just make up, it was my war make up. It was my protection, my war paint that would strike an ever lasting image into my enemies mind. Then again Alex wasn't my enemy, he was so much more than that. I completed my outfit with a midnight blue dress that finished above my knees, sleeves just brushing my wrists, and my old leather jacket. I left my hair down, falling over one shoulder. It curled as it dried. Picking up my phone I typed in the number for a cab. In a moment of clarity last night I went online and brought forwards my flight to this afternoon. It had cost a large amount to move it, but I had used his money. The least he could do for me is pay for my escape. The cab agency said it would probably take a whle to get there, but I said I was happy to wait. Happy wasn't the word really, but it was the only one that worked in that moment. I put the phone away and cast an eye around the room, doing a last check for anything else I had forgotten. Of course there was a lot of my stuff downstairs, my CD's, records and other things that I couldn't count. I would get someone to send them to me. Brea would help me, I knew I could trust her for her support. Seeing nothing, I picked up the biggest of my suitcases and opened the bedroom door, my old Doc Martens making a soft sound on the floorboards. I swallowed as I neared the ground floor. Where was he? My question was quickly answered when there was a noise from behind me as I got to the bottom step. I didn't dare look around and carried on in to the hall. I lent the suitcase up against the wall and walked back. He stood there. I raised my chin and met his eyes. What I found there shocked me. They were glassy with unshed tears, the rims red from what I could only assume was crying. I had never seen him cry before. Never had he shown any sign of it. He looked awful. My hand went to my stomach as it wallowed at the sight of his sadness. I opened my mouth, "My cab will be here in about twenty minutes, I'm leaving for home today."

His shoulders slumped and his eyes briefly closed, "Please don't go, please I'm beggin' you…"

I stayed stiff and straight, "It's too late for that Alex. You and me, we made a promise, for better or for worse. I can't believe you've let me down, but you have and now I have to go. I can't bare to be in your presence anymore." With that I walked past, up the stairs to get the rest of my stuff.

When I came back down, he was waiting, "Rhea, I love you…"

I narrowed my eyes, meeting his, "No you don't, not like I love you. I would _never, _ever do this to you. If I ever fell for someone again, I would never let you suffer for weeks on end, just because I couldn't get up the courage to tell you. It's a cruelty I never thought you possessed."

His face tightened at my words, "An' what I 'ave done will haunt me for the rest of my life. But if you say you love me so much, why don't you stay an' fight?"

I took a step closer to him, my voice soft, "If you don't know the answer to that then you're a fucking _blind fool._ I have fought. I have fought for you _every single _bloody time you thought of her, every time you talked to her or touched her. I just didn't know it. I have given this relationship every single ounce of me I could, fought for it every step of the way. I have _nothing _left to give and that wasn't enough so there is no reason I should stay here any longer."

"Rhea, you 'ave given more than enough, more than I ever deserved. If you'll let me I will come back with you right now. We can do this together. " His voice went higher with hope, "While you were out I were gettin' ready to come with you, back to England, I made the choice you wanted me to, the choice I wanted to make. You mean the world to me, I wouldn't let you walk away without me, I realised that."

I closed my eyes to stop from screaming at him, "Alex, even if you had come back with me, would that have only been the quilt that brought you with me? Would you never have told me about it? How can I ever trust you again when you would so easily lie to me?"

He shook his head, "I would 'ave told you, I swear, when were were on better grounds."

"How many times do I have to tell you, _you_ don't get to make those sort of decisions for us. When something like that affects us like that, you have no right to keep it to yourself. Because even if you try and hide it, it will leak out. Something like that has to be said."

He swallowed, "I know, but seriously, I was dyin' inside 'cause of it. I didn't want you to feel the pain of it." My eyes flicked to his hands, trembling, "I realise now that was my mistake. Please, I will make it up to you. I swear."

I put my hand up, a shield against his words, "I have loved you for many months and somewhere along the line I wasn't enough. Wasn't enough to keep your mind from straying. Alex you've made me realise my deepest fear by tearing us apart with your lies. Even though you say this now, your heart is unobtainable, even though god knows you have mine." I was finding it hard to say this now, but I had to make him understand, "If I stay, or you come with me, I will always wish I was her, every time I do something wrong, I will live in fear that you will go back to her." I softened my voice, looking sadly into his eyes, "I _get_ that you can love two people at the same time, I _get_ that you can't control those emotions, I mean you're a fucking evidence of that for me. But what you can do is control how you _deal_ with these situations, and I can't let go of how you dealt with them. I can't stay because I physically and emotionally cannot live with you knowing you have feelings for another woman and that you went to her about it instead of me. It will_ tear me apart_."

"Rhea, I don't ever want to see her ever again. The thought of touchin' her makes me feel sick, all I want is you. I made a mistake, please let me try an' make it up for you." His voice was desperate now.

My throat was closing up, "Alex can you say to me truly that you have no feelings whatsoever for her anymore?" He opened his mouth, but no sound came out of it. In that moment all hope that had been left died, "I thought so. Don't you dare tell me anymore lies Alex."

I heard the rumble of a car from behind the door and I felt like I was going to faint. I breathed deep and turned away, reaching for the door handle. My fingers curled around the cool metal and I pulled it towards me. Sure enough the cab was here. I stood stock still as the driver got out, opened the boot and then got back in. Not looking at Alex, I started to walk back and forth, delivering my belongings to the back of the car. On my last trip Alex caught my arm. I shook it off, my skin crawling.

His face was dead white, eyes wide, " What 'bout all the promises you made me? Do they mean nothin' now?" The breath in my chest shuddered out, "'Cause just so you know, the moment you step out of that door, will be the moment everythin' I need, want an' love most in the world will leave me. I am askin' you one last time to please stay." His voice cracked.

I looked at him, trying to not show how much I was dying inside,"Well I suppose now we'll be equal." It took everything I had to turn away from him, " We'll both have destroyed each other, broken all the promises we made."

His shoulders started to shake, "Please, please don't do this, please…"

I stepped forward, walking away from my life, from my whole world. There was only the noise of his crying from behind me. The cracks in my armour started to take their toll. Wind whipped my hair around my neck. I opened the car door with numb hands. Sitting down I said in a hollow voice to drive to the airport. Slowly as the engine started, I looked once more at him. His mouth was open and I heard his voice pushed through the metal of the car, his mouth shaping my name, "_Rhea, please…"_

Meeting his eyes from my seat, my lips moved as I whispered his name and the words that were the only true thing in the world anymore, "Alex, I love you." It was then that I fell apart, my face cracking, my heart dying in my chest. As he saw my collapse, he also broke, swaying and falling to the floor. That was the last image I had of him. Him on his knees shouting my name. My body shook as silent sobs ripped through me. I didn't care that I wasn't alone. All I cared about was the man I was leaving behind. My lips formed his name over and over again as I cried into my hands.

I didn't want this anymore. I wanted the feeling gone. Everybody was a liar. Love heals they said, love with be all you need, love will make you whole. Lies. Every single one of them. Love tore you apart, leaving you in pieces that nobody could pull back together. Nothing hurts like love. Nothing at all can take everything you are and throw it all to the wind like love. It was a sharp and merciless weapon that people mistook for a easy path to take. Never again would I be the same after this. In my heart there would always be a piece missing. Always a piece of me that would forever be with him. Why do we think love will fix us and make us whole? When in the end it leaves us more broken than before. We took a chance from time to time, putting our necks out on the line. He had broken every promise he ever made me and I will love him anyway. He has cursed me when there is no one left to blame. He has broken every fucking rule and I will always want him back. I could have been his only dream, his shining Autumn light, his crashing waves. I wonder if she said that she still loved him. No, no I didn't want to know. For months he's turned me upside down, showing me a whole new way of looking at the world. I didn't want to be the right way around. I knew I would begin to tell myself that he never loved me, that I never loved him, not really. I'll say to myself that he was someone I loved years ago in another life. I lifted my head up and looked out of the window. On the car's radio a song played, it buzzed around me. I watched as tree's bent under the wind and tiny droplets of water hit the window. Time has cast a spell on us both, but he would never forget me. He would never get away from the sound of the woman who loves him. And I will never forget everything he ever gave me. Everything we gave each other. My island was a desolate land, nothing left. The island of our love, now a flaming ruin of all that we ever were. I closed my eyes and a tear slid from under them, falling onto my hand.

Oh, how burned in our mistakes.

"_I've been treated so wrong_

_I've been treated so long_

_As if I'm becoming untouchable_

_I'm a slow dying flower_

_Frost killing hour_

_The sweet turning sour_

_And untouchable"_

-My Skin-Natalie Merchant-

**It's only the end if you want it to be**

**Sav xx**


	31. Author's Note

So there we go, that is the end of Well, We're Not Alone Now. I know some of you might be shocked at how it ended and why it ended and all that, but I just felt like that was how it needed to be and how I wanted it to be. I have planned it to end this way all the way from the start. The dedication of you readers has just been absolutely incredible and I am so thankful for every kind and supportive word. And I am thankful for your criticism and advice which I have truly appreciated. Now I can honestly say this is one of the best things I have ever done, I have enjoyed writing so much, I can't even explain. Being able to see your imagination take form and people appreciating it is just wonderful. And that is why I have this question for you. **Would you read a second addition to Rhea and Alex's story? **To be quite honest with you I don't think their story is finished, I still think they have a long way to go yet. But at the end of the day there's no point me writing if nobody will read it. I have so many idea's for a follow up to this and I would really like you all to read them. If you would like to read more, please, please tell me in the comments and I will certainly do so.

I am currently in preparation for all my exams and am in the midst of revision and all that. This is partly why I have ended it now because I just wasn't so sure how to keep up a steady stream of chapters when I am so short of time. So it would be a little while before book No.2 started and I would alert you all by putting an extra chapter on here to tell you. And if you follow my Instagram account ( aerialarabella ) I will also put a notification up on there. Or of course you could follow my account on here and it would tell you too. I really, really hope you do want to read more and that Well, We're Not Alone Now was something you really enjoyed. I know I did!

Thank you so much for everything, Savannah xx


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